Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Just playing devil's advocate here; what did you do for her on anniversary day? Do you think she was expecting anything from you? Does not sound like this may be the case as she told you that sex was in the plans after aunt flow left, but maybe?
I actually wanted to do something special with her, even if it was just going out for a coffee or a drink. But we spent quite a bit of money on our weekend away and we had been busy the last week traveling so she was quite insistent that we not go out, she wanted to spend a quiet night at home and order in some good Chinese food. I had already bought her an expensive piece of jewelery that she got on the weekend but on the actual day I gave her a nice card and a nice bottle of wine she likes. I texted her several times through the day expressing my love and anniversary wishes. We just watched a movie and ate in but I gave her a nice foot rub while we were 'hanging out'.
Hmmmm??? I agree with Hubby - did she have expectations on your anniversary that you didn't meet and maybe she is still waiting as well??? I know from most posts on here that sex for men is their way of showing their spouses they love and care for them and being rejected is very hurtful, however keep in mind that sex is not the only way and usually isn't the way your spouse sees or wants to be shown that you love and care for them. More often than not its a lot more about moral support. Sure rub her back, tickle etc - but if it isn't what she wants, your really wasting your time. Example - I work, take care of kids, cook, clean, laundry - blah blah blah and the pure stress of the day, dealing with kids, homework, etc - sex is the last thing on my mind. I just want to go to bed. However if my hubby were to come home and pitch in say like set the table, clear the table, help fold the clothes sitting at the end of his feet while he is watching tv, pick up some of the kids homework so it is not always my struggle - I am just about willing to do anything for him!! But that is because that is what I need in return - it is give and take. By helping me he is showing me that he cares about me and wants to help relieve some of my stress, so then I want to reciprocate that feeling that I care for him too - which is sex. But you need to find out what it is for your wife that will give you the undivided attention you want and deserve if you are trying to fulfull those needs for her. It has to be a two way street though and someone has to give in first - what have you got to lose. You can't always give and never expect to receive anything in return either and maybe I am way off here and you do those things already. If so you should consider counseling (or a reality check of some sort) so that she realizes what her actions are doing to her marriage and what you are considering if this goes on much longer.
i do alot around the house, i find the more i do the more that is expected of me (i am also the sole breadwinner). unfortunately it hasnt ever translated into more or better sex (i know, here we go with the "reward" thing). but it does make me not give a **** if i help her or not.
and BTW, what he claims to have done for her for the anniversary sounds like she should be thrilled. weekend away, jewelry, wine, card.......plenty.
still reeling - I get what you're saying and I do those things. I'm the primary cook in the house. I cook almost all the meals, I get the kids ready for bed and tidy up after they go down. I do pitch in a LOT. Sometimes I feel like okeydokie where the more I do the more is expected of me.
Believe me when I say there isn't anything I won't do if I know it will make her happy. I guess I'm feeling like that isn't reciprocated, ya know?
Just a quick note from someone that does all these things, but was not in the marriage from an emotional level... back off on some of the things around the house and connect emotionally. that is what I screwed up with my wife, because our expectations were all out of whack which caused my feelings and emotions to get all out of whack. I am sure she appreciates the things you do around the house, the cooking, , the cleaning, the kid stuff, etc. However, look at me... Read my posts... I did those things too, way too much of them. When things got bad, I did more of those and that is not what W wanted, and that frustrated both of us, to the point of an affair, and divorce.
She wanted me to hold her, to talk to her, to spend time with her doing what she wanted, to be in bed with her, to share feelings with her. To make her feel needed. To make her feel safe. To make her feel secure in herself and her marriage.
I wish I could do that now. I wish I could go back in time and do that with her. Right now, she won't even speak to me. I am looking at finances to see if I can afford an apartment so one of us moves out as she wants to grow her affair into a relationship.
DON'T DO WHAT I DID!!! You will get what you want only when she gets what she wants
In my case, that is what she was asking from me when we still had a chance, but my head was in the sand. That is what she talked about with our pastor, and what he then communicated to me that she was looking for. However now it is too late.
You are right. Maybe I am just throwing my experience around. I'm sure its not the same in every case, but it definately was in mine. In threads I read here, I see that as case. I have talked to probably a dozen close friends/family from recent divorces and asked them to help with my issues. The overwhelming issue there, probably 10 of the 12, was the emotional differences between the two of them. How they communicated emotionally and what they needed from each other. I'm not saying that you have to change who you are, or become all softie on issues, but being there to connect at a deeper level and understand what is making her tick, not necessarily solving her problems but listening and truely feeling what she is feeling.
I never did that. I played the engineer/technical/problem solver in the relationship and that only tore things down.
Just a quick note from someone that does all these things, but was not in the marriage from an emotional level... back off on some of the things around the house and connect emotionally. that is what I screwed up with my wife, because our expectations were all out of whack which caused my feelings and emotions to get all out of whack. I am sure she appreciates the things you do around the house, the cooking, , the cleaning, the kid stuff, etc. However, look at me... Read my posts... I did those things too, way too much of them. When things got bad, I did more of those and that is not what W wanted, and that frustrated both of us, to the point of an affair, and divorce.
She wanted me to hold her, to talk to her, to spend time with her doing what she wanted, to be in bed with her, to share feelings with her. To make her feel needed. To make her feel safe. To make her feel secure in herself and her marriage.
I wish I could do that now. I wish I could go back in time and do that with her. Right now, she won't even speak to me. I am looking at finances to see if I can afford an apartment so one of us moves out as she wants to grow her affair into a relationship.
DON'T DO WHAT I DID!!! You will get what you want only when she gets what she wants
Ladies - am I wrong here?
THIS.
She didn't marry you 'cause she wanted help around the house. You didn't marry her (most likely) because you wanted help around the house. That's why when people start talking about how much they're doing around the house and why aren't they closer?... I feel often people are missing the point. Yes it's true if one person is pulling more weight in housework, or whatever has been agreed upon, resentment can build up. But... when you were dating is that what your dates consisted of... help around the house? I doubt it.
My husband can be very helpful around the house. In fact, sometimes he's too helpful, it's like he's trying to prove his worth by rattling off a list of all he's done that day. "I went to the market, washed the dog, put away laundry, now dinner on the BBQ..." Okay great. But when was the last time he just sat with me and gave me undivided attention and didn't run off to doing some activity that seems that it's real purpose is avoidance...
So my wife and I had out anniversary this last week. We actually went away for the weekend and had sex once. She started her period and I won't have sex that time of the month, it grosses me out extremely. Anyway so our actual anniversary was in the middle of the week following our weekend getaway. I didn't push anything at all or ask for anything sexual. But in my head I was thinking that this was our anniversary so shouldn't I get some sort of a treat? We weren't going to have sex but am I a jerk for thinking that she could have given me head or hell even offered a handjob?
Just FYI I stopped coming onto her or asking for anything sexual a couple of weeks ago because of the huge fights it's created where she ends up getting mad and blows up at me after a few days because I'm "pushing her all the time to have sex" and "I just won't stop". So I told her I wasn't going to do that. I've told her and she knows very well that any time on any day I want and am ready for sex. I'm horny all the time and it has been one of the biggest things we've fought about so it's not like she didn't think I wanted anything. It had been 5 days since we had sex so I was (and still am) super horny.
She did make a comment when we were laying in bed that night after saying how tired she was that she would give me some great sex after she finished her cycle. Well she was done 2 days ago and still nothing It makes me as sad as it makes me angry. She doesn't get it even though I've explained it to her a hundred times. I feel pissed off that I'm walking around with blue balls but I feel hurt like I really don't matter to her. And it's bad enough any week of the year when this happens but I guess it makes me feel a lot worse when it's our anniversary and what I want still doesn't matter.
A lot of ranting for the basic question - shouldn't anniversary sex (or some sort of sexual act) be one of the few times a year that it's a gimme?
I have a bigger question. Forget about the day to day fights about sex - those suck - and most married people have had at least some of that - I know I have.
1. What is it that you do that turns your wife on? Do you even know?
2. What is it that turns your wife "off"? Do you know that?
What is your ideal frequency? What is hers? Has she taught you how to "get her in the mood" when she does not start out aroused? My wife did teach me that, because she often does not "start out" aroused. And that is a COMMON theme for women. But the difference is, wives who are willing to let their man get them turned on, have sex way more often. Those who do the "I am not in the mood go away" thing, have sex way LESS often.
My wife knows that twice a week makes me happy. So she makes the effort to have sex with me at LEAST that often. Making my wife happy is a priority for me. Not because I want her to spread her legs on any given night. But because making her happy makes me feel - warm inside. And the opposite is true. Some nights she has sex with me just to make ME happy. Because making me happy pleases her.
But I have laid a LOT of groundwork over the years. I have learned her sense of humor and make her laugh all the time. I run/lift to have a fit/muscular body - maybe that sounds shallow but at 46 it is nice to be fit, and even nicer to have wifey run her hands over my shoulders and give me a huge smile. I learned to give her a killer full body massage to relax her as a type of "pre-foreplay". I have learned what she likes/dislikes sexually as she has for me.
Last - and this is only 5% of the relationship if you have it, and it becomes 95% if you don't. I have an "edge". I am "alpha". This means that I use tone/body langauge to inflict emotional discomfort/pain/intimidation when other people are jerking me around. This includes my wonderful wife who loves me - but also respects me. Part of respecting me as a person is respecting the fact that as a MAN I don't feel loved without a certain amount of sex. And it is not that I will be cranky/grumpy start a fight if I don't get laid on any given night. Because I won't. I am patient and loving. BUT, if there is a pattern of neglect I just say "other things in your life that have no business competing with me and my needs, are getting in the way of our connecting as frequently as I want. Why is that"? And then I listen. If I don't like what I hear I just say "If I were to prioritize YOUR needs - especially your emotional needs - that way - would you be happy"?
And then if she says "yes" I do that - I deprioritize her - I don't engage in conflict - I simply mirror her priorities. And then I ignore the situation until she says "UNCLE". And I don't mean to seem like a prick but my marriage is based on a delightful symmetry. For much of it that has meant we both make each other our number 1 priority.
But there was a time when her friends and family would get lots of evening attention on the phone, and then she would do all this late night housework stuff and come to bed too tired or just too late - meaning I had to stay up later then I wanted if I wanted sex. And I simply asserted myself until that changed.
My husband can be very helpful around the house. In fact, sometimes he's too helpful, it's like he's trying to prove his worth by rattling off a list of all he's done that day. "I went to the market, washed the dog, put away laundry, now dinner on the BBQ..." Okay great. But when was the last time he just sat with me and gave me undivided attention and didn't run off to doing some activity that seems that it's real purpose is avoidance...
Thank you. This is kinda part of my point. Speaking as a guy, and an engineer guy, this is what I do. What I understand. I feel "wired" to "do stuff", rather than "feel stuff". I do that all day long for the last 20 years. Its not that I am trying to avoid your attention, its just out of my comfort zone. In my situation, it was like I got no help pulling me out of that comfort zone. I don't actually mind being out of it either, once I am out of it. It helps me balance things in life out. It just takes a little tug and smile and a reminder that its ok. Then I am there. Oh, yeah, and encourage me to do it, and I will get better at it. Belittle what I do express, and I won't try any more.
Aren't you the same guy who masturbates every day - what do you care if you did not get any gimmme sex on your anniversary. You probably took care of it yourself anyway.
Aren't you the same guy who masturbates every day - what do you care if you did not get any gimmme sex on your anniversary. You probably took care of it yourself anyway.
After my wife and I connect I have this glow inside. Comes from feeling very loved. Funny thing - never gotten that feeling from my hand.
srena200, The fact that you even asked this question makes me wonder if you have an amazingly good vibrator - one that is better then your lovers.
Lots of interesting points in this thread for a new reader like me.
I liked what was said about priorities as a couple when you're dating versus when you're married and have kids. When you first meet (if it's earlier in life), your job probably isn't your big focus. You don't have as many "things" that require $$ to pay for them.
You probably aren't really keeping score since you're happy to just enjoy each other's company.
My case is a bit different. I grew up with 2 sisters and a mom who was pretty much my dad's equal (though he was the final decision maker...think that's one of those biblical type arrangements my mom was raised to expect). My wife on the other hand grew up with parents who were very self-centered and had melded their 2 families after the biological mom died. The step-mom (what a b*tch) seemed to love her kids more and never really did much mom-type stuff with my wife (like, for instance, teach her to cook or give her a shoulder to cry on). So when it comes to opening up emotionally, my wife's like a guy...keeps it all bottled up, is good for about 10-15 minutes in a discussion, then shuts down.
My wife has had a problem with sexual desire apparently since before we married. When we met, she hadn't been in a relationship in maybe a year and was all alone in the big city, so she says she was really looking to meet a nice guy like me at that time and things would have been clicking sexually. 9 years later I recall that we didn't fight about sex then but it wasn't your typical "do it on every surface and for every reason" new couple sex...there was never that wild honeymoon period.
After the newness wore off, we settled into a very dysfunctional sexual relationship. I was still the guy that "rescued" her and supported her in every way I could (back rubs, romance, dishes, errands, shoulder to cry on....), but she never wanted to have sex. If I asked often enough, eventually she would say yes....and would seem to enjoy sex during. Years later I found out from her (after she admitted that she had been in an abusive relationship...or should I say in a relationship that I didn't know previously was sexually abusive) that she basically gave in because she was raised to believe that was what a good wife should do for her husband (biblically?). I made it very clear to her after I caught her for the first time (I must have been blind before) actually laying there and pretty much checking out...that I didn't want her to ever have sex with me if she wasn't feeling it BUT that I needed her to work on FEELING IT more often.
I'd LOVE to have a certain day or days of the year be extra special sex time...that f*cking BIRTHDAY SEX song on the radio drives me nuts because that soooo isn't the reality of my sexual relationship with the Mrs.
I liked what Mr ALPHA had to say even if my relationship isn't quite like that. I HAVE had to "man up" and be more of a man that can give my wife "boundaries"...her dad was a cop...but I've also been kind of an a*shole in making her feel bad about some recent things in the past (see my other thread about swinging) by getting into constant fights...fights that are justified to me because she isn't working on her desire problem with me but fights that end up hurting her emotionally...I even got to the point after all these many years of pretty much pleading for sex of saying that, if she wasn't going to work on her desire, then how'd she expect me to just be with her? She had suggested earlier in our relationship (out of depression and a knowledge that she wasn't doing enough for me intimately) that I get a girlfriend...so I brought that up as a way to take the pressure off her...amazingly after we did swinging now she just wants a normal family...wife and husband only...funny how that works.
Isn't anniversary sex a gimme? 
It makes me as sad as it makes me angry. She doesn't get it even though I've explained it to her a hundred times. I feel pissed off that I'm walking around with blue balls but I feel hurt like I really don't matter to her. And it's bad enough any week of the year when this happens but I guess it makes me feel a lot worse when it's our anniversary and what I want still doesn't matter.
