Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Ok, as I write, I had sex with my H just over two months ago... it's bad when it is such a momentous thing that you remember the date!
We've been married 4 years, and been together for 6 years. I know he was a bit of a male floozy in his life before me, and so I know that he likes sex or has at least liked sex at some point in his life.
When we do have sex I feel slightly wrong about it - like we are going through the motions, but there is no emotion, passion, fun or play involved in it. I'm a bit of a romantic and love passion and the feeling of being really wanted by a partner. Maybe I have been spoiled by having partners like this in the past.
I love my H, and I know he loves me, but love isn't everything. I wouldn't even be too bothered about not having sex too often if at least knew that he wanted me, desired me. I really don't think that he does. He says he does, whenever we chat about sex - although I've given up on conversation about it now. What he says just doesn't match up with what he does.
He, ahem, masterbates. I know that. He has a very busy job that has him working all hours and he can stay away a lot (I hear those alarm bells guys - don't think he's unfaithful, but would kinda be a relief if he was). So he's tired a lot. I have tried to initiate sex in the past, but I get subtly turned down...
Friends tell me to walk around the house naked - turn him down next time he does want sex (tick, tick, tick...). I do walk around naked sometimes - used to sleep naked in fact. Now, I've decided to cover up, hoping that this will make me less accessible - more intriguing, mystical, sexy...
It isn't just the sex. He's withdrawn from me as a person, and can't even kiss or cuddle me without lightening the mood. He'll tickle me or make a joke rather than let the moment happen. I know he has issues due to a bad childhood and a mother who was, well just crap really.
He adores his father, and spending time with his best mate... he gets more excited about spending time with them than spending time with me. I don't begrudge him that. Men need time with other men - that's great! But I just feel that there is nothing he enjoys about time with me.
Me? I've not changed at all. If anything I'm more chilled and happy in myself than I used to be. Other men do fancy me, and I am attractive (maybe not first thing in the morning...lol). I've recently lost a bit of weight - although I've always been slim. I can't see anything that I may be doing to be less desirable to him.
What is going on? Has anyone else had a similar story? Is there any hope for my marriage? What can I do? Help please.
I am 46 - married 20 years to a loving and lovely 46 year old woman. We connect twice a week. I still crave her - as a person - she is cute and funny and saucy. And I crave her body and sex.
I do feel strongly about a few things. Masturbation and even porn are not "harmful" to the relationship UNLESS your spouse feels sexually neglected. TWO months is a long, long time. I truly feel that he should totally stop masturbating and focus ALL is sexual energy on YOU.
I practice what I preach. Went to KL in Malaysia 3 months ago. It is FAR from home so I was gone for 15 days. I did not touch myself the entire time. I never masturbate anymore. I stopped a few years ago when I realized how great sex feels when you haven't orgasmed in a while. So my first night back from KL was GREAT.
Your HUSBAND vowed to LOVE you. Marital love is sexual love. He is in breach of his marriage vow if he is masturbating regularly and leaving you alone for months at a stretch. That is wrong - plain wrong.
If it were me, I would "force" the issue. I would install spector pro on his computer/laptop and see what the heck he is doing. Because you deserve way better then this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdsong
Ok, as I write, I had sex with my H just over two months ago... it's bad when it is such a momentous thing that you remember the date!
We've been married 4 years, and been together for 6 years. I know he was a bit of a male floozy in his life before me, and so I know that he likes sex or has at least liked sex at some point in his life.
When we do have sex I feel slightly wrong about it - like we are going through the motions, but there is no emotion, passion, fun or play involved in it. I'm a bit of a romantic and love passion and the feeling of being really wanted by a partner. Maybe I have been spoiled by having partners like this in the past.
I love my H, and I know he loves me, but love isn't everything. I wouldn't even be too bothered about not having sex too often if at least knew that he wanted me, desired me. I really don't think that he does. He says he does, whenever we chat about sex - although I've given up on conversation about it now. What he says just doesn't match up with what he does.
He, ahem, masterbates. I know that. He has a very busy job that has him working all hours and he can stay away a lot (I hear those alarm bells guys - don't think he's unfaithful, but would kinda be a relief if he was). So he's tired a lot. I have tried to initiate sex in the past, but I get subtly turned down...
Friends tell me to walk around the house naked - turn him down next time he does want sex (tick, tick, tick...). I do walk around naked sometimes - used to sleep naked in fact. Now, I've decided to cover up, hoping that this will make me less accessible - more intriguing, mystical, sexy...
It isn't just the sex. He's withdrawn from me as a person, and can't even kiss or cuddle me without lightening the mood. He'll tickle me or make a joke rather than let the moment happen. I know he has issues due to a bad childhood and a mother who was, well just crap really.
He adores his father, and spending time with his best mate... he gets more excited about spending time with them than spending time with me. I don't begrudge him that. Men need time with other men - that's great! But I just feel that there is nothing he enjoys about time with me.
Me? I've not changed at all. If anything I'm more chilled and happy in myself than I used to be. Other men do fancy me, and I am attractive (maybe not first thing in the morning...lol). I've recently lost a bit of weight - although I've always been slim. I can't see anything that I may be doing to be less desirable to him.
What is going on? Has anyone else had a similar story? Is there any hope for my marriage? What can I do? Help please.
Friends tell me to walk around the house naked - turn him down next time he does want sex (tick, tick, tick...). I do walk around naked sometimes - used to sleep naked in fact. Now, I've decided to cover up, hoping that this will make me less accessible - more intriguing, mystical, sexy...
It isn't just the sex. He's withdrawn from me as a person, and can't even kiss or cuddle me without lightening the mood. He'll tickle me or make a joke rather than let the moment happen. I know he has issues due to a bad childhood and a mother who was, well just crap really.
I've tried walking around naked, too. its pretty demoralizing when he looks, and then looks away. a few days ago my H came in when i was taking a bath. mind you we havent had sex in at least two weeks. he sits next to me, smiles, touches my back (a pitty touch im thinkin') and then says hes going to bed. lovely.
I used to try and figure him out. I used to constantly try to understand what his problem was- his childhood, anxiety, our fighting, me, etc. And you know what i found out? even if i know what his problem is, even if under some miracle i figured out the answer (which to a few things i have), it wont change a thing. He has to do the work for himself.
And if you get so wrapped up in trying to fix your H, in trying to make him want sex with you, you're going to be so busy that you wont realize he's crushing your heart. One day you'll come out of it and realize that you're demoralized, have no self-esteem, you'll be angry and bitter. dont let that happen. dont get so wrapped up in it that you forget to take care of you. protect your heart. if it hurts dont do it. if having sex with him makes you feel wrong- dont do it. dont walk around in front of him naked. dont try and talk about it. let him bring it up. that doesnt mean you have to hate him. I dont hate my H anymore. i think he has issues that maybe i do or dont understand, but either way, i dont like how it affects me and so i have to take care of me.
Wow, thank you so much Mem11363 & Blanca. I really appreciate the fact that you have both individually taken the time to read and respond to my thread (it was rather lengthy!).
It's strange. I've only properly just realised how much this whole thing is upsetting me. I haven't been as frank with my friends about it - they seem to assume that sex in a relationship is physical only and don't seem to recognise the emotional importance of it also.
MEM11363, you sound like you are a lovely man who really cares, loves and adores his wife. You have really helped me realise a few things - thank you. I will try to work out what he is doing to satisfy his sexual need if he isn't satisfying it with me. I can't (and probably wouldn't) monitor his computer usage in that respect. It's password protected anyway (so's mine, but I have told him my password - I've nothing to hide) - perhaps that should ring alarm bells with me...
I guess, when I think about it, it's quite clear that I'm not getting the full story here and, thinking about it, he is quite protective of what the full story may be... Hmm. I don't want to intrude on his privacy, but I do deserve more. I will have to do it my way though, which is to carefully talk to him and try to work out what's at the bottom of all this.
Blanca, you may be right. Talking may not be the answer. We do have to protect ourselves, but I am a strong person (my life experience has ensured this). It's not been unusual to go a month or longer without sex... and without feeling attractive in this sense to him... but I still feel sexy within myself - I am never going to let a man (or anyone) make me believe I'm not worthy in any way (been there, done that).
My problem is that I made a vow to love him "til death do us part" and I always meant to hold on to this promise...but then it was a two way promise and actually, you're right, marriage has always been the "permission" to have a sexual relationship with a life partner. Otherwise, we might as well be good friends with a legally binding agreement to stay together - good friend wouldn't need that assurance. Thank goodness we have no children (chance would be a fine thing!).
Blanca, what have you decided to do? Are you trying to find a way to work it all out, or do you just accept your life as it is? Would you ever leave your H? Stay strong!
I am very lucky. I married a wonderful person. Just remember something. Talking about sex - when the sexual relationship has gotten "off track" is very scary. And the really sad part about that is the "low drive" spouse will make a MAJOR effort to not let the "high drive" spouse address the issue. Just so you are forewarned - and this is from lots and lots of reading, the primary tactics used by low drive spouse:
- Denial of problem (they will say in a indignant voice, all relationships have ebbs and flows, this is totally normal. Stop worrying about it, everything is fine). This is a lie. They know it is a lie. No sex for 2 months is NOT close to normal.
- Attack you: You are the problem.
You are nagging, you are mean,
you are critical, your shirts too green. This is all nonesense too. If you were all these bad things - you would already know that, and know that you were driving him away. You are fine - he is using a tactic.
- Intimidate you: This is usually "relationship" intimidation. They get really angry and try to project that YOU are risking the entire relationship.
- Soft shoe: This is where they swirl you around the room (figuratively speaking) with promises of the rapture to come. It never does. You might get one night of mercy sex
- Direct Lying: "Baby I am so sorry, I have been really stressed at work."
Liar, liar pants on fu*king fire. For a MAN, sexual desire is cumulative. It is like physical hunger. The longer he goes without, the more his desire rises. This is just basic physiology. I have had some very stressful jobs. At worst that cut my desire in half. At the absolute worst. This is purely a cross gender tactic. NO GAY MAN would ever try this with his partner. Because the partner would fall on the floor laughing hysterically - then get up and say - if you ever tell me such a blatant lie again we are done. Lets try again - why are we not having sex.
There are lots of other types of direct lying. Many are predicated on the fact that - not being a man - you have no idea how man actually feel.
But I will tell you this and this I mean. Lets say my wife gained some weight - like enough for me to be bummed out. Yes it might reduce my desire level for her (sorry just being honest) but because I don't have a masturbation habit/porn habit all that would happen is that it would take a few extra days for my desire level to build to the point where I want her. Not weeks, sure as hell not months.
Sorry for the rant - I hate the lying associated with this stuff. Not because of the lying itself, but because of how harmful it is to the spouse being lied to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdsong
Wow, thank you so much Mem11363 & Blanca. I really appreciate the fact that you have both individually taken the time to read and respond to my thread (it was rather lengthy!).
It's strange. I've only properly just realised how much this whole thing is upsetting me. I haven't been as frank with my friends about it - they seem to assume that sex in a relationship is physical only and don't seem to recognise the emotional importance of it also.
MEM11363, you sound like you are a lovely man who really cares, loves and adores his wife. You have really helped me realise a few things - thank you. I will try to work out what he is doing to satisfy his sexual need if he isn't satisfying it with me. I can't (and probably wouldn't) monitor his computer usage in that respect. It's password protected anyway (so's mine, but I have told him my password - I've nothing to hide) - perhaps that should ring alarm bells with me...
I guess, when I think about it, it's quite clear that I'm not getting the full story here and, thinking about it, he is quite protective of what the full story may be... Hmm. I don't want to intrude on his privacy, but I do deserve more. I will have to do it my way though, which is to carefully talk to him and try to work out what's at the bottom of all this.
Blanca, you may be right. Talking may not be the answer. We do have to protect ourselves, but I am a strong person (my life experience has ensured this). It's not been unusual to go a month or longer without sex... and without feeling attractive in this sense to him... but I still feel sexy within myself - I am never going to let a man (or anyone) make me believe I'm not worthy in any way (been there, done that).
My problem is that I made a vow to love him "til death do us part" and I always meant to hold on to this promise...but then it was a two way promise and actually, you're right, marriage has always been the "permission" to have a sexual relationship with a life partner. Otherwise, we might as well be good friends with a legally binding agreement to stay together - good friend wouldn't need that assurance. Thank goodness we have no children (chance would be a fine thing!).
Blanca, what have you decided to do? Are you trying to find a way to work it all out, or do you just accept your life as it is? Would you ever leave your H? Stay strong!
Got ya! Wow, you're good! It is so lovely to hear a man's perspective on it all. I have experienced a lot of what you write here already - I can recognise these excuses/lies. I feel a little more prepared now I know that's what they really are. This means that I am ok - really ok! Thanks!
Maybe talking will do no good, but I either try or I know I'll just end up leaving....eventually... I don't want to just give up everything without trying at least (not sure the dog would forgive me - she loves him!!)
It isn't just the sex - there is more to this. It's anything intimate at all. He just won't share with me. The result of all this is that I am pulling away from him too (self protection). I don't trust him enough anymore to reveal too much of myself.
I'll see where this all goes. We're spending a day together tomorrow (very rare these days!). Maybe we'll chat then...
One other thing about this whole sexual shutdown. It seems very, very common (and we have good friends where this is exactly how the man is) for the man to completely shutdown in terms of "touch". I admit to not understanding this since "touch" is my love language. So even if I got neutered in an accident I would still love to lie arm in arm in bed with my wife - love to hug her - caress her. I love to touch and be touched. I really though most guys were like that. But whether "most" are or are not, the low drive guys seem to really avoid affection which is so very sad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdsong
Got ya! Wow, you're good! It is so lovely to hear a man's perspective on it all. I have experienced a lot of what you write here already - I can recognise these excuses/lies. I feel a little more prepared now I know that's what they really are. This means that I am ok - really ok! Thanks!
Maybe talking will do no good, but I either try or I know I'll just end up leaving....eventually... I don't want to just give up everything without trying at least (not sure the dog would forgive me - she loves him!!)
It isn't just the sex - there is more to this. It's anything intimate at all. He just won't share with me. The result of all this is that I am pulling away from him too (self protection). I don't trust him enough anymore to reveal too much of myself.
I'll see where this all goes. We're spending a day together tomorrow (very rare these days!). Maybe we'll chat then...
Blanca, what have you decided to do? Are you trying to find a way to work it all out, or do you just accept your life as it is? Would you ever leave your H? Stay strong!
Right now ive decided i need to take care of me. My situation got so complicated and out of hand that i think im taking a mental vacation. one thing i know for sure though, im done trying to figure my H out.
I dont know if i would really leave or not. its hard to say. im not particularly pissed off today so im more inclined to say i wouldnt. but, ask me tomorrow and i might just be packing my bags!
When I was younger and mostly under 35... I used to pray
I would have less interest in sex and a lower sex drive because all it ever did was get me into trouble or involved with the wrong men.
Now that I'm older and my sex drive has decreased...
I will tell you something.... its much better. Life and sex in general are much better....
I can see things better, made a better partner choice... and can stay out of trouble.
Sex is very over rated... I do not associate sex with love but at one time I did... and in my mid 30's... my sex drive made me make some really awful relationship choices.
I am grateful to experience low sex drive... I hope everyone can as its a new and wonderful thing
least it is for me
Hooray for menapause, it should happen to women before menstration would be a far better world with happier people !
women should first go into menapause at age 11 or 13.. and stay there until you find a good and loving partner....
then go into menstration at about age 35 to 40... and have babies then...
wow, what a different world it would be !
A few things I would say about the posts in this thread as a guy who can't ever imagine being the low-desire male partner in a relationship...
Birdsong, I'm glad you followed back up with your own comment about this being an intimacy issue with your partner. In my mind it's unacceptable for him to masturbate so much if he is not also spending his sexual energy with you two. A book I'm reading right now called Passionate Marriage promises to help with problems like this, but I haven't put it into practice yet. There is a huge difference between the casual sex he had with people before you and sex in a committed relationship. He is probably threatened by intimacy and reacts by pulling away from you...I should know, my wife pulled that move after being together for 9 years when I came home from an assignment that had me away from her for 100 days...it was the strangest thing and really shook my trust in her.
To those that say sex is overrated...I'd have to say that casual sex is...but sex between 2 loving people has the potential to bring you closer together and affect how you are in other areas of your life...but you have to be able to be in the moment with your partner, not worry about how great of a job you are doing but also be turned on by your partner's reaction to what you are doing.
In terms of how to get your partner to be involved with you again, I'd repeat what some others have said...you have to make it clear to your partner if you have tried so many other means that this is something that is important to you and that, if they have given up on a sex life with you, you are prepared to leave...if it is that important to you...since things changed with my wife in the Fall, I've chosen to threaten to walk away twice...once when she put her relationship (chatting) with other guys above me and here recently when she said she had given up on fixing things between us sexually...did I want to RISK IT ALL? Hell no! Did I think I deserved a beautiful sexual relationship with the woman I adore and serve? You bet your ass!
A few things I would say about the posts in this thread as a guy who can't ever imagine being the low-desire male partner in a relationship...
Birdsong, I'm glad you followed back up with your own comment about this being an intimacy issue with your partner..... He is probably threatened by intimacy and reacts by pulling away from you...
Yes, it is much more than an issue than just sex. "Intimacy" is the key word and everything that it means. Sex is the touchstone of a relationship - it is a way of expressing how you feel about your partner. It shows them that you trust them and that you feel comfortable enough to reveal the most hidden, secret part of yourself. Sex is just one way of showing intimacy and can be an indicator of how healthy a relationship.
I've had a good chat with my H, and told him all about how I feel. The intrinsic problem seems to be that I am just simply not "first within his heart" (a chat with my Mum helped me coin this phrase). Other things seem to have had greater importance to him than me, and actually, that's wrong!
I know I am a good natured (perhaps too good natured), kind, considerate, attractive and sexy person. I recently went away with a girlfriend and was shocked by the interest I got from other men (kept looking behind me to see what they were ogling at). I completely didn't realise that I could still be considered attractive, desirable by any male, let alone my H!!
I am not shallow and don't believe that I live my life to be adored - I just want to be fully appreciated and wanted by the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care what other men think if HE wants me, loves me, enjoys spending time with me. If he doesn't then what the hell am I wasting my time for?
He'll probably make a bit of an effort after our chat, but time will truly tell. If he wants to be with me for the right reasons, and if I can find it in me to trust him fully again, then there just might be a future for us.....
I just read your post. My husband was the same way, with a high drive before marriage, baby, stress... I can totally understand what you are going through, if you figure out what works let me know because I've tried it all.
And if you get so wrapped up in trying to fix your H, in trying to make him want sex with you, you're going to be so busy that you wont realize he's crushing your heart. One day you'll come out of it and realize that you're demoralized, have no self-esteem, you'll be angry and bitter. dont let that happen. dont get so wrapped up in it that you forget to take care of you. protect your heart. if it hurts dont do it. if having sex with him makes you feel wrong- dont do it. dont walk around in front of him naked. dont try and talk about it. let him bring it up. that doesnt mean you have to hate him. I dont hate my H anymore. i think he has issues that maybe i do or dont understand, but either way, i dont like how it affects me and so i have to take care of me.
It's so true. The low libido spouse would just trivialize your need and call you "sex obsessed." I've told my H time and again, it's not just physical fulfillment, but more so emotional. I didn't feel loved when he didn't feel the need to make love to me and try to please me when we were at that. It's very damaging to relationship.
His low self-esteem (I think the fact that he loved cyber sex was the part of his low self-esteem complex) brought down my self-esteem in the process.
I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately... I am not convinced that my H does have a low sex drive (it just seemed the obvious cause of our problems). I think the lack of attention is due to something else.
If I jumped him in bed, I know that he would respond. I just don't feel like jumping him in bed... actually not convinced that I am that sexually attracted towards him. Never have been that well suited in the bedroom department. I just thought that it was something that would develop with the relationship. It hasn't!
My recent contemplating and chats to my Mum (who is an amazing support) have helped me to define the problems in my relationship a little better (I obviously don't talk to her about my sex life). The major issues are not to do with the lack of a sex life, as that is just an outcome of our issues. I need to write about it but will find a more suitable section...
You're not attracted to him? I wonder why you thought it would develop. If it isn't there at the beginning it is rarely something that crops up later. If anything, attraction seems to wane over time for most relationships.
What Zengoddess says about their behavior bringing down self-esteem is the truth.
He's just not interested in me anymore. 
Re: He's just not interested in me anymore. 
