Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-29-2009, 05:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

I have been married for 10yrs, I love my husband very much, and Iam very attracted to him. He is a country boy all the way, loves to hunt, hang with the guys and any other outdoor thing. But the one thing he dosen't want to do is have sex. I don't understand. Iam willing and ready when ever he wants to. Iam not ugly or fat, so its very hard for me to understand. He tells me he just doesn't have a high sex drive. But recently he has told me he and some of his guy friends are planning a trip to the beach for a weekend, and they will be going to a strip club. Well, this bothers me because I can seem to get his attention at home with me. It really hurts to think of him being in a place like that getting lap dances and whatever eles when he will bearly look at me in that way. He said I am over reacting, that his guy friends just want to go and he isn't going to do anything. But lets be real it's not like he's going to sit there w/ his eyes closed. We have been fighting over sex in our life for a long time. It makes me feel like he just isn't in to me anymore. I just don't know what to think. What should I do? He has had his friends call me and ask me to let him go. It makes me look like a fool, and it's not just that the sex is gone in our life we don't really do anything together. I work take care of our 2 kids the house and pay half of bills in the house. I want to be a part of his life too. He goes and comes as he pleases and I just sit around and wait. He has made nasty comments to me about the way I am acting and that it should be good enough that he even comes home at night. But makes it clear that he'd rather be some where eles. Our 10 year anniversy just past and I didn't get anything. Not a card a hug nothing. I got him a card and a gift and planned a night out for us, but insteed he went hunting. I just don't know what to do. I love him very much, but can't see myself living the rest of my life with someone who just doesn't have some sort of romanic side to them. what to do?
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Old 08-29-2009, 06:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

He is no longer into you my dear for whatever reason. God only knows. Sometimes people just take each other for granted. That said, YOU need to go out and have fun. How about you and some girl friends do the same thing. He'll probably not enjoy a taste of his own medicine and it may wisen him up. Sometimes, sex is used as a control device. That is how my husband used it. This may be the issue. Are you guys having any other issues in the marriage?
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Old 08-30-2009, 01:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mmstrong_2000 View Post
But recently he has told me he and some of his guy friends are planning a trip to the beach for a weekend, and they will be going to a strip club. Well, this bothers me because I can seem to get his attention at home with me. It really hurts to think of him being in a place like that getting lap dances and whatever eles when he will bearly look at me in that way. He said I am over reacting, that his guy friends just want to go and he isn't going to do anything. But lets be real it's not like he's going to sit there w/ his eyes closed. We have been fighting over sex in our life for a long time. It makes me feel like he just isn't in to me anymore. I just don't know what to think. What should I do?
Your H is a jerk! I wanna smack him. I cant believe he actually had his friends call you like that. I cant believe he acts like its not big deal that he's going off to the beach and then a strip club! wow. You are not overreacting. Your husband needs a reality check.

personally if it was me, Id tell him he better pack all his crap and dont plan on coming back.
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Old 08-30-2009, 04:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

Your right about getting out, I went out last night for the first time in a long time, kids spent the night off, didn't have to worry about anything, husband worked till 8pm and he came home. I didn't come in till 1:30am. I really had fun but, in the back of my mind I felt soooo guilty. I don't know why. I wasn't doing anything wrong, just sitting around with the girls talking and enjoying each others company. Iam nuts for putting up with it for as long as I have. I recently droped 20lbs, to try and make my self look better, so I thought. I've been working out getting into the best shape of my adult life. I get more attention from men that come into my store to where you would think I would be so sure of my self, but I'm not. All I want is to hear from him, " Wow you look so nice today." But whatever it never happens. Iam really going to try and stick to being my own person, doing more and feeling better about my self, It's just hard..
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Old 08-30-2009, 04:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

Blanca, you aren't the only one who wants to slap him. That was cold, and for his friends to do it, is even worst. I don't get some men. I don't understand how they think. Why? Why would you do that, if you know your wife will be upset. I can't count how many times I have told my friends that I wouldn't go some were w/ them because I knew it would make him mad, or upset. It's just respect for the others feelings. I'm just tired of not having a backbone when it come to him. I need to stick to my guns, and not let him run over me anymore! I want him to come around, but I don't want to waste my life away before that happens.
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Old 08-30-2009, 08:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

My oldest daughter is 18. If she ever posts something like this I will literally cry. I am sad for you. As a man, I don't know why other men do stuff like this. I would never do this to my wife - and she is very good to me as well.



Quote:
Originally Posted by mmstrong_2000 View Post
I have been married for 10yrs, I love my husband very much, and Iam very attracted to him. He is a country boy all the way, loves to hunt, hang with the guys and any other outdoor thing. But the one thing he dosen't want to do is have sex. I don't understand. Iam willing and ready when ever he wants to. Iam not ugly or fat, so its very hard for me to understand. He tells me he just doesn't have a high sex drive. But recently he has told me he and some of his guy friends are planning a trip to the beach for a weekend, and they will be going to a strip club. Well, this bothers me because I can seem to get his attention at home with me. It really hurts to think of him being in a place like that getting lap dances and whatever eles when he will bearly look at me in that way. He said I am over reacting, that his guy friends just want to go and he isn't going to do anything. But lets be real it's not like he's going to sit there w/ his eyes closed. We have been fighting over sex in our life for a long time. It makes me feel like he just isn't in to me anymore. I just don't know what to think. What should I do? He has had his friends call me and ask me to let him go. It makes me look like a fool, and it's not just that the sex is gone in our life we don't really do anything together. I work take care of our 2 kids the house and pay half of bills in the house. I want to be a part of his life too. He goes and comes as he pleases and I just sit around and wait. He has made nasty comments to me about the way I am acting and that it should be good enough that he even comes home at night. But makes it clear that he'd rather be some where eles. Our 10 year anniversy just past and I didn't get anything. Not a card a hug nothing. I got him a card and a gift and planned a night out for us, but insteed he went hunting. I just don't know what to do. I love him very much, but can't see myself living the rest of my life with someone who just doesn't have some sort of romanic side to them. what to do?
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

The really hard part I think is not taking the low-desire partner's lack of sexual interest in you as a reflection on who you are. What is f*cked up is that we commit to being with one person for better or for worse, but then you're stuck having to drag the low-desire partner to bed and are not allowed to go out and find someone that actually desires you....not that casual sex is anywhere as beautiful as sex with the person who knows you in and out.

Obviously your husband is taking you for granted...the real question is, Can you turn him around? Are you willing to say that you deserve more and walk away if he doesn't come around?
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Old 09-01-2009, 07:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

I could have wrote this myself. My husband has a low desire too. The advice I got as well is to go out with my friends, and leave him hanging a little, but not too much. Some advice he gave me was to stop talking about our sex life, even in therapy. I said to him that when we didnt talk about it, we still had the same issue... but it was not an issue to him bc we were having the right amount and timing and type of sex for HIM... so there was no issue. It is a difference between men and women... liking to talk about stuf vs not talking about stuff.

For what its worth, I have backed off talking about it, and he has now said yes to me when I wanted it (albeit once, but it was still a yes). He also just put his arms around me when he kissed me goodbye this morning (usually its just a kiss with his arms at his sides).

You have been together much longer than we have so the patterns and resentments are much further entrenched than ours. So the advice here to go out and do your thing (I got the same advice) seems like a good thing to do. Getting yourself into awesome shape is a definite plus... men are visual. Now, stop talking about it, and that includes any little comments that have anything to do with sex, period, for a while. Let him go on that trip and say get a lap dance for me! Maybe not that, but say to him "I know I have not been wanting you to go on that trip, but it seems very important to you, so go have fun you awesome husband of mine!" Show him that you trust his fidelity going out with the guys and doing that by saying this to him. Its worth a try isnt it, what have you got to lose? He may feel trapped and resentful at your not wanting him to go... perhaps he may even feel like you are trying to control him. Be his cheerleader, and maybe he will become yours again.
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Old 11-14-2009, 06:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Unhappy Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

You are not alone. My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years and we are having some serious problems. The biggest one being that we haven't had sex in 6 months. He has recently (2 yrs ago) retired and is going through some depression issues. It's driving me crazy. He has jobs around the house that he's started and hasnt finished, he doesn't do anything around the house unless I nag him to death. I work about 16 hrs a day when you figure in commute time. I dont have time to come home and deal with feeding the kids, laundry, or finishing these projects. The big deal is that he is not in anyway affectionate towards me but has lately been talking about "hooking up with another couple". He says he's bored with me but instead of trying to spruce things up, he basically wants to trade me in, at least for sex. I am in the best shape of my life, started bodybuilding last year and guys everywhere make me feel special and desireable. It frustrates me that he is not attrated to me. He already goes to counseling and I try communicating with him but I have had little luck. I dont know how much longer I can put up with this. I want to be with someone who finds me attractive and makes me feel beautiful. This is the first time I have tried one of these sites, but I dont know what else to do. I am so frustrated and feeling hurt right now.
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Old 10-19-2011, 04:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

I am in the same situation. Other men have said I am attractive but my husband ignores me. I don't want to have an affair but I am so frustrated by my husband's behavior.
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Old 10-19-2011, 05:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Why doesn't my husband want me anymore?

If your husband has ALWAYS had low desire (from the very start of your marriage) it is possible that he is gay but is not ready or willing to be honest about it.

But you also describe your marriage in a way that makes me think that he is almost emotionally abusive to you. He sounds selfish, immature, and really, really insensitive.

So my question to you is - WHAT is it that you love about him? He is not a good husband, does not care about your feelings, doesn't spend any time with you, doesn't have sex with you, and insults you on a regular basis. So what do you really love? My guess is that you don't think you deserve any better, deep down.

So you already know that if you keep doing the same things, you will get the same results. So you need to figure out 1) what you want 2) how you are going to get it.

I hope that at the very least that you try to focus on yourself and build a life for yourself. This does not mean going out to bars to see if other men will give you attention. That won't make you like youself any better. If you go to the bars to have fun with your girlfriends, that is great. How about start a new hobby?

The other thing I would do is to STOP doing anything for your husband. Don't do his laundry. Don't cook for him. Don't make his lunch. Ignore him and pretend he doesn't exsist. Go out and have him stay home with the kids. If he doesn't like it, tell him to leave.

Also, tell him you don't care if he goes on the strip club trip. Frankly, if he's not already cheating, there is nothing you can do to make him be faithful. So let him go. Stop asking him for attention. Stop giving him attention. Stop asking him for sex. Stop giving him sex. Stop chasing after him like a puppy dog. Act like you have pride and self confidence. Don't chase him!!

He doesn't sound like the type of guy to go to therapy, but I would recommend that you do. You need to figure out why you are with someone who isn't meeting your needs. You deserve love and respect and attention from your husband!
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