Originally Posted by MsStacy
You could make millions teaching this to husbands everywhere!! What I wouldn't give.... Outline a class, teach seminars, but please share...teach...guide!
I am really interested if you think this approach (details below) is "fair" to the woman. I am happy with it, my wife says she is, just curious what a third party thinks.
This type of interaction only works if it is - symmetrical. Meaning my wife is as committed to not hurting my feelings as I am to not hurting hers. We have a fairly common situation and I think a somewhat uncommon solution. What is common is that we have a high drive spouse and a low drive spouse. I am high drive - we have been married 20 years - are both 46 and are each others "highest" priority. Actually the 3 kids are her highest priority - which is as it should be. She is my highest priority and the kids are number 2.
Sexually we have I think a somewhat atypical, and very nice arrangement. If it was totally up to her, we would have sex 3 times a month. Totally up to me - 15 times a month/every other day. The compromise is twice a week which is a happy middle ground for both of us. But there are a few key ground rules here that we are both really, really good about.
First is that rejection is mean. Saying I am "not in the mood" is different then rejecting someone. For us, the rule is when asked for sex (regardless who is asking me or her) you can either day:
- Yes or
- I will rock your world tomorrow - and then tomorrow you follow through
My wife is like most women in a long term relationships. She has 3 types of modes:
1. In the mood wants to (this is nice the 3 or so nights a month it happens)
2. Not "in the mood" to start but capable of being aroused by my patient loving touch - hands, lips and tongue
3. Not fully arousable - just can't get over the finish line that night no matter what. These nights are what most guys would call "mercy sex" - she makes it great for me - but I know that it is just for me
So when do you think I feel the most loved. Number 3 is the "most" followed by number 2. Why? Because 3 and 2 are choices, she is choosing to love me, to focus on me, to make me happy. Just like I focus on her and what she wants on a regular basis. It is easy to have sex with your spouse when you are aroused. Anyone can do that. Very different matter to consciously decide - I am going to love my spouse because they deserve my love even though my body is going to take a while to warm up.
I am not religious - but I go to church every Sunday rain or shine, tired - I suck it up, headache - I take an asprin. I dress nicer then she and the kids do because I want her to know that I am going with a generous spirit - and want to set a good example for the kids.
So we have some simple rules of engagement - but before I get into those I just want to point a few things out. As the "high drive" spouse I did a few things from the beginning that are maybe a little different then most guys.
1. We talked about this. I told her - I know I have a much higher drive then you do, so I need you to teach me how to get you in the mood when you start out not aroused. And she did. I said teach me by "doing it" to me. Give me a massage the way you want me to start out massaging you. Kiss me the way you want me to kiss you. And then simple basic stuff I always shower just before bed - she buys the soap. I always brush my teeth just before bed. I avoid any foods that have aftertaste issues she doesn't like. And yes she does the same.
2. I also make the effort to stay in shape. Sorry but if you are the higher drive spouse, don't create physical reasons for turning your spouse off like letting yourself go. That makes no sense. I love my wife way, way more then a carton of Ho Hos. And I know she likes muscle so I make the effort to have it.
3. I am sensitive to behavioral things that turn her on/and turn her off. Try to do more of the former and less of the latter. I remember the first time I said something - that I still say once in a while. We had been married almost 10 years - wife was "out of commission" that night and I had just gotten back from being away on a trip for a week. She said "I am sorry we aren't making love tonight". I looked at her and said "I am always making love to you baby". And I know how that makes her feel inside - but it only works because it is true.
4. I am aggressive with her - in a playful way. I use the muscle between my ears to banter and tease her and make her laugh. The shoulder and arm muscles are used to be physically dominant in a way that is not violent - but is firm enough to trip some deeply buried wiring inside that creates heat.
5. I am not whiny or "needy" but I do make requests. But I ONLY make requests when I have good reason to believe there is nothing problematic happening. So I might smile at her after dinner and say "I want you". That is it. Honest direct statement. And usually she just says - I am yours. But I rarely push beyond our compromise frequency because it is just as selfish to push a loving spouse for too much sex as it is to deny your loving spouse enough sex for them to feel delighted with you. But if my wife started making excuses - by the way - I am tired is a valid excuse for one night - but if someone really is so tired that it is preventing sex with the most important person in their world, then they should goes to bed early enough tonight so they are NOT tired tomorrow. Claiming "too tired" regularly is deceitful and is usually a symptom of some type of sexual aversion.
6. Because my wife is so cool about making sure I am happy with our sex life, if I sense that anything is "off" with her, I mask all desire because I don't want her to feel bad. Just like she does not make me feel like a loser the nights she gives me mercy sex.
I do think guys should take a course in "how to keep it interesting" before they get married. I would guess that a lot of guys don't realize that when a woman sees her man as strong she is turned on, when she sees him as "weak" she is turned off. And so the tightrope the man walks can best be described as this:
- If he tries to "get his way" half the time or more, his wife will just think he is a very difficult, aggravating person and they will have a LOT of conflict which will kill their sex life.
- If he simply strives to avoid conflict because he wants at all costs to avoid her getting angry at him, then she perceives him as weak and over time her body tells her to STOP mating with him.
- If however he can carve out a healthy area - maybe it is 10 percent - for us we call it my 5 percent - of topics where he is not reasonable, not rational, not movable. This is his "live free or die" stuff - and if he can assert himself in a hard, if needed harsh (but never violent with wife/kids) manner on those topics then she will find him to be worthy of respect but not infuriatingly argumentative.