Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 05-18-2013, 04:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

I desperately need advice. My husband of 24years considers masturbation a betrayal. He made me promise not to about 2 years ago. I did, I thought it was stupid, I thought he was being unreasonable and he'd never find out anyway, so I promised. Well apparently he's been 'monitoring' our bedroom. He checks how things are placed, I kinda suspected I was being spied on. He came home the other day and I'd had the day off - and I'd placed the lube back in the drawer ever so slightly differently than it had been and I was busted. He yelled and said 'we're done!'. WTH???? Done? Over that? We've never threatened the other with divorce before. I need to make it clear this is not something I do often. Maybe every few months. We have no problems in the bedroom. Our sex life is about 2-4 times a week depending on our schedules. He does seem to ask me frequently if 'that was alright?' to which I constantly reassure him.
I'm finding it hard to believe that he's prepared to leave an otherwise good relationship of 24years over this. He's prepared to hurt our teenage children with a divorce over this. I'm hurt, depressed, furious and embarrassed. I feel betrayed about being spied on to which he says I forced him to take that action. It's my behaviour that's brought us here.
We had a screaming fight and I suggested that he needed to talk to someone - which he refused because it's my problem. I've told him I don't want to end our relationship but I can't make his decision for him. I stayed at my mothers for a couple of days (the kids didn't suspect anything because she's been unwell). Now I'm home, and I've basically ignored the whole issue, because as far as he's concerned I'm totally in the wrong and I should be apologizing. He wants to talk tomorrow. What the hell am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say that hasn't already been said? Why does he have such an issue with this? As far as I can tell it's a control thing and nothing else. Why do I not understand this? Is this a man thing that I'm clueless about? Advice please.
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Old 05-18-2013, 05:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Your husband belongs in the 10th century.

He serious problems, the most obvious of which is a fear of female sexuality.

He only wants you to experience sexual pleasure with him. He can't stand the idea that you could pleasure yourself without him or anyone else. This is the worst kind of control obsession there is, because it's your sexuality that he wants to control and when he can't, he gets angry.
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Old 05-18-2013, 05:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

So, it's not me right? This whole thing is ridiculous. But what the hell am I supposed to do? Let my whole relationship go up in flames over something so ridiculous?
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Yes this is a control issue. Most men get turned on by a women masterbating. As long as your not doing it and neglecting him....he should not have an issue. If you are not turning him away...I say your good. My big guy found out I masterbate daily in the morning (I am very HD) now he likes to show up for the show...some times he helps and sometimes he just watches and drinks his coffee... ;-)
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

It is ridiculous. But it was also ridiculous to make a promise to him that you did not intend to keep. So you need to apologise for that. On the other hand you do not, in my view, need to promise never to do it again.

Do you know why he considers masturbation a betrayal? Does he masturbate?
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

I think it ridiculous as well. I dont understand why you need to masterbate? Is your H not touching you the right way? think your H is unhappy with this marriage and trying to come up with a reason to get out of this marriage.
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

I agree, and I have apologized for breaking a promise. At the time I made him promise not to masturbate either, and I stupidly thought it would make him realize that the whole deal was unfair. I assumed he did masturbate, but either he's had no problem keeping to the deal or he doesn't do it at all. I don't keep tabs, I don't spy on him so how would I know? As long as it doesn't negatively effect our bedroom activities I don't think it's any of my business. I don't know why he feels the way he does, I think it's because he's insecure and controlling. But at this point I'm so confused I just don't know. Either way, it seems to be a deal breaker to him.
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClimbingTheWalls View Post
It is ridiculous. But it was also ridiculous to make a promise to him that you did not intend to keep. So you need to apologise for that. On the other hand you do not, in my view, need to promise never to do it again.

Do you know why he considers masturbation a betrayal? Does he masturbate?
Yeah, I'd also LIKE to know if He masterbates ?

Me & my husband missed each other in the past, because I DID ...and we never talked about it (too taboo)......and here he DIDN'T...wanting to save every orgasm for me (I never knew this -or how he felt about it)...when this finally came out in the open, we were both shocked...and I felt really bad as he always wanted more sex than me and I was wasting my thrill sometimes in the middle of the night.

Now we both desire to save every orgasm for each other....but if one was more horny and the other not there, it's not a big deal at all...total freedom & enjoyment -we have no issues with the act.

If you are not withholding from him and he is sexually satisfied at
2-4 times a week.... not really getting it...

Quote:
juno 42 said: He does seem to ask me frequently if 'that was alright?' to which I constantly reassure him.
I think this may be the root here... he is sexually insecure for some reason... but WHY... did a previous GF enjoy doing herself over being with him..

Has he been religiously indoctrinated to feeling masterbation is wrong ?

Do you also initiate him..any complaints there on his end? .....If he has to ask if it was good, maybe he is questioning your desire for him.
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Since May is masturbation month, you've picked a great time to have this issue.

It's a shame your husband is so sexually anxious and insecure that he is worried you may fall in love with your own hand and love your hand more than you love him. It's a shame your husband feels restricting and controlling is the best way to ensure your relationship stays strongly committed. It's a shame your husband is so easily threatened.

It sounds like he needs a LOT of HELP!
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

His actions seem extremely controlling. Was he always like this? Apparently, he associates masturbating with being unfaithful...how did he link the two together? There must be something that triggered this from his past. Also, like others have asked, does he masturbate? Do you both ever talk about this subject, aside from the promise not to do it????
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

We have a great sex life. He probably initiates 70% of the time and I only give him a 'rain check' if I'm tired, sick etc. We've been together since we were 18 and so prior relationships were just kid stuff, so no lasting damage there. It's not a religious thing. We have talked about it, but his pov is that if it hurts his feelings so much I shouldn't do it - end of discussion.
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

He says he doesn't masturbate. I don't know if it's true or not.
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

Is your sexual pleasure only supposed to happen in his presence so he can control it and be responsible for it?
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

There must be something else going on for him to do this -- an affair? There has to be something else. I'm having a hard time believing this situation is even real. If I were you, I would go all nympho. Don't hide it at all, but make him watch. Don't let him control you with this. One up him. Make him beg. Tell him there are a lot of guys who would love to take you if he isn't willing, because guys go crazy over women who are horny like this.

Call his bluff.
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband leaving me over masturbation. Desperately need advice

You know, Id kind of like to be a fly on the wall when he tells people he's leaving his wife and kids because she masturbated. Maybe you should call his bluff and inform a few well chosen friends your husband wants out because you masturbate a few times a month. "It's not like I turned him down for sex..."

He will be the laughing stock of the neighborhood!
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