First year problems.
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-07-2009, 12:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default First year problems.

It's our first year, 1 year as of 10/11/09 (just around the corner) and ever since just a little before we've been married there is no sex life. I'm a very analytical person so I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what may be causing the sudden lack of it. I'm lucky if my wife and I have sex once a month, and its our first year together as husband and wife (almost 3 years knowing each other) no kids. I've tried tons of things, flowers, chick flicks (Yeah I go get the ones she mentions interest in). Candles (she says I'm cheesy). Everything I can think of.

I have tried talking to her about it and she says she's too stressed, not in the mood, or just doesn't feel attractive. Lets address her concerns:

Adressing the first concern. We met in college during an english class, we were both full time work full time school but we made time for each other. I'm full time at work now, out of college. She's still full time college full time school. Not much has changed there.

2nd concern. If she's not in the mood I don't want to obligate her at all if she doesn't want to I'm not going to force her.

3rd concern: Since she and I have met she has gained 15 lbs. I've gained about 30 (Just hit the gym, loosing it now, down 6 lbs in 3 weeks and toning up, its going well). She is loosing weight too however I don't keep track of it since i still think she looks stellar. She say she hasn't noticed the weight gain on my person either, but I have difficulty believing this as I'm sure she does when I tell her the same about herself.

Here is a breakdown of our days: We get up at different times, so often one of us is telling the other good bye. We go to work / school. Come home. She will rant about her work (quite often, I know she doesn't like her job) and then eat dinner, watch tv, then go to bed. That's what she does almost every night except she will sometimes drink herself to oblivion. (Another thing, she only comes onto me when she's drunk, not sure what that means been that way for a while now.)

Other things that have happened in the relationship that may be effecting this:

We moved from my home state to hers, where her family is. (Maybe she doesn't need my support / attention as much since her family is here?)
She works for the same company but a different branch, hates working there.
Her classes are somewhat harder in college, but she never studies.

Any advice / input would be appreciated.
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: First year problems.

Hey there,

The first year is always the toughest. I think the thing that kept us together was I was too afraid to tell my dad after paying for the wedding I think I made a mistake!

But we persevered, have three kids and love each other.

One red flag I see right away is the drinking you mentioned. That is a sign that there is a deeper problem. Something is troubling her and you need to talk to her about that.

Also, change that nightly routine. I think the television can great at times and other times it robs us of life. Turn it off and go do something. Go for a walk together, ride bikes, or something physical, so you can do it together and get some physical exercise.

Physical exercise helps increase sexual desire in addition to just making you feel good. Sitting in front of the tv drinking makes you feel like a lump.

Also, try setting up get togethers with other people. Even during the week you can get together with another couple for a couple hours.

Yes times are tough, but if she hates her job, encourage her to start looking for another. Even in bad times, there are some jobs out there and she may find something she is much happier at. Worse case she keeps the one she has. At least she feels like she is taking action.

Try these few suggestions and see what happens.

good luck,

Nina
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Old 09-07-2009, 07:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: First year problems.

This is not a first year problem. This is a huge problem that just happens to be occuring in your first year. This has nothing to do with "getting used to each other". A few quick things - I have been married 20 years - and my wife has never starved me of sex. We have had other issues for sure, but not that one.

So lets start at the beginning. You are approaching this totally wrong. You are asking "what do I have to do to be the perfect husband so my wife will desire me". Your desire/need to feel "loved" by your wife is completely normal, and it is not possible for her to truly fullfill her vow to "love" you without having a reasonable amount of sex with you.

You will never be perfect. Your current approach is to bombard her with attention, gifts, love and other stuff when she is IGNORING your most basic marital need. - which is the need to feel physically loved. So you are reinforcing/rewarding this bad behavior of hers. And you are doing a few other things as well:
- Communicating in a very powerful way that YOUR NEEDS are not important, only her needs matter
- Showing weakness, you are not willing to assert yourself as a male and say - "you need to tell me why you have lost your desire for me"?

If you continue down this path you will simply be in a long term sexless marriage which will slowly consume your heart, your self esteem, your love of life and your soul.

It is possible that she only pretended to like sex to get married. That is sad but happens. It is also possible she just is not into you any more for some strange reason. Often that is not fixable.

If she is unable to have sex with you without alcohol then she most likely has a "sexual aversion" to you. Meaning this is not about her having a low drive. This is about her being "turned off" by you. The thing is that it might have nothing to do with your weight. It could simply be that when she started to turn you down sexually, you started to "for lack of a better phrase - grovel/beg" instead of addressing this with a healthy does of "edgy masculinity".

Instead you started to analyze YOURSELF and try to fix what you were doing that was broken.

I think wives "test" their husbands toughness on a regular basis. I tell my wife "if I didn't have a titanium steel spine, a blowtorch for a heart, and double the normal amount of testosterone in my veins you would have crushed my spirit and ground me into the dust a long time ago".

You know what her response to that is? She just laughs. Then she says "I am not that much of a bitc*". Then she laughs again - which means she absolutely is every bit that much of a bitc*. And I LOVE that. She is tough on me, and tough in a loving way on the kids. She is just plain tough. But you know she sure is LOTS of fun to ride, long as you understand you will get thrown sometimes and bit every once in a while.

If it was me - I would just sit her down and say something simple like this:
"I am not sure which of us you are treating worse me or you, not sure it matters though. You need to stop drinking and we need to find a way to reconnect sexually since I have no interest staying in a marriage where my need to feel loved and desired is being totally ignored". And then just shut up and let her talk.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingMyB3st View Post
It's our first year, 1 year as of 10/11/09 (just around the corner) and ever since just a little before we've been married there is no sex life. I'm a very analytical person so I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what may be causing the sudden lack of it. I'm lucky if my wife and I have sex once a month, and its our first year together as husband and wife (almost 3 years knowing each other) no kids. I've tried tons of things, flowers, chick flicks (Yeah I go get the ones she mentions interest in). Candles (she says I'm cheesy). Everything I can think of.

I have tried talking to her about it and she says she's too stressed, not in the mood, or just doesn't feel attractive. Lets address her concerns:

Adressing the first concern. We met in college during an english class, we were both full time work full time school but we made time for each other. I'm full time at work now, out of college. She's still full time college full time school. Not much has changed there.

2nd concern. If she's not in the mood I don't want to obligate her at all if she doesn't want to I'm not going to force her.

3rd concern: Since she and I have met she has gained 15 lbs. I've gained about 30 (Just hit the gym, loosing it now, down 6 lbs in 3 weeks and toning up, its going well). She is loosing weight too however I don't keep track of it since i still think she looks stellar. She say she hasn't noticed the weight gain on my person either, but I have difficulty believing this as I'm sure she does when I tell her the same about herself.

Here is a breakdown of our days: We get up at different times, so often one of us is telling the other good bye. We go to work / school. Come home. She will rant about her work (quite often, I know she doesn't like her job) and then eat dinner, watch tv, then go to bed. That's what she does almost every night except she will sometimes drink herself to oblivion. (Another thing, she only comes onto me when she's drunk, not sure what that means been that way for a while now.)

Other things that have happened in the relationship that may be effecting this:

We moved from my home state to hers, where her family is. (Maybe she doesn't need my support / attention as much since her family is here?)
She works for the same company but a different branch, hates working there.
Her classes are somewhat harder in college, but she never studies.

Any advice / input would be appreciated.
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Old 09-08-2009, 05:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: First year problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
This is not a first year problem. This is a huge problem that just happens to be occuring in your first year. This has nothing to do with "getting used to each other". A few quick things - I have been married 20 years - and my wife has never starved me of sex. We have had other issues for sure, but not that one.

So lets start at the beginning. You are approaching this totally wrong. You are asking "what do I have to do to be the perfect husband so my wife will desire me". Your desire/need to feel "loved" by your wife is completely normal, and it is not possible for her to truly fullfill her vow to "love" you without having a reasonable amount of sex with you.

You will never be perfect. Your current approach is to bombard her with attention, gifts, love and other stuff when she is IGNORING your most basic marital need. - which is the need to feel physically loved. So you are reinforcing/rewarding this bad behavior of hers.


couldnt agree more. ive struggled with lack of sex in my marriage (two whole years now) and this is exactly what i have learned. i used to try and be perfect for my h, too. and i used to try and solve our problems, or his problem as i saw it. And it did consume my heart and my self-esteem.

Your wife's drinking is a huge red flag. she has some serious issues. but then you must also or you wouldnt have been attracted to her.
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Old 09-08-2009, 09:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: First year problems.

Thanks for all the feedback.

Unfortunatly she came home yesterday. Packed her stuff and left. No explanation or anything. She just said that she's not sure about us and hasn't talked to me since she left. She's at her parents and her dad is a lawyer, so after a very professional "I think we need a trial separation" text message (how cowardly is that crap) Thats the last I've heard from her.

I can't let it bring me down because that will not fix the situation at all and I'm not going to let her push me around with the whole "I don't know what I want..." stuff.

Thanks again everyone.
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Old 09-08-2009, 11:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: First year problems.

Well, now you know. It appeared to me that she was not happy, and at least she left instead of staying and making you miserable and wondering... and analyzing some more. The drinking may have been her way of distancing herself from the reality as she saw it in your marriage... something was bothering her so much she couldnt handle it nor talk to you about it. Now she is gone. Pick up the pieces and move on... from the sounds of it you are young and have much life to live! I hope you find someone you dont need to analyze, and can enjoy each other.

Mem is right, this is not a first year of marriage issue. Best of luck.
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