are guys really "too tired" to have sex?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-11-2009, 09:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
mae
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Default are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years and together for 3 years. We have a 5 month old daughter. When we were dating we, of course, had sex all the time. Shortly after we married he deployed for a while but when he came home on leave we had sex all the time and when he came back we had plenty of sex.

Then I got pregnant and we started fighting all the time. Sex became less and less frequent and in the end it was about once a month.

Since having the baby I am still a bit overweight but I am rapidly losing weight. I know he doesn't really find me attractive which really bothers me.

Lately he always seems tired. I have to be the one to initiate anything (not that he rejects me but he doesn't initiate). When I talk to him about it and let him know I would like for him to be more affectionate (yes, I know guys are NOT mind readers so I make it clear), his excuse is that he's just too tired. We both work the same amount and I'm the one that gets up all night to deal with the baby, so I get far less sleep than he does. I'm tired as all hell but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make love to him.

From my point of view, I think it's probably our other marriage situations that are causing this but that may just be my insecurities creeping up which is why I wanted to ask, are guys every really "too tired" to have sex? I can understand it once in a while but all the time?

The other reason I ask is because I know he sometimes looks at porn (I know he did at least twice last week when I wasn't home), which makes me think he just doesn't want me because he doesn't find me attractive. He of course claims this isn't it (though he never says he finds me attractive) but his actions state otherwise.

Any input would be great.
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

IMO, the more he watches Porn, the more "too tired" he will be...This happening will be the result of watching Porn...Let's face it, this is a real sexual turn on...However, men are funny...Sometimes they will get sick of being refused...The "not tonight dear" can get them down....I didn't do this too much when I was younger, but I did at times when I really didn't know if I could get in the mood....I am talking about many, many years ago when we were younger, but it happened...As we have aged we are more in tune with each other...I am now at a different point in life...It is important for me to keep him sexually alive...I had to laugh as both times we have made love this week he has initiated it....For me and our age level, this is special...Being truthful I am more the leader of the pack when having sex....He never refuses and is a great lover...I asked him once not long ago, "Why is it that I have to be the one that usually bring up having sex?"....His answer was good....He said "For years I have been after you and now it is your turn to come and get me"....I have accepted this....

You still may have some weight to loose, but this does not affect your sexual attraction...It is your body that speaks to him and not the couple of pounds....Saying this, if your husband has gained some weight it is then another story...This will both slow him down and if too much weight is gained, hurt him sexually..... Good luck....

Caroline
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Old 09-12-2009, 12:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

A few quick things about this. A guy has to be very, very tired for it to have much impact on his desire level especially when he is young.

The porn thing can be a distraction. From a purely practical point of view - he needs to ALWAYS give you right of first refusal sexually. So if he is "in the mood", you get to choose if you want him or not. If not, well - then he does what he does. But if you want him you get him.

Some guys really are bothered by the weight thing. I admit that I am one of them. Sounds like at the rate you are going that won't be a problem any more soon.


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Originally Posted by mae View Post
My husband and I have been married for over 2 years and together for 3 years. We have a 5 month old daughter. When we were dating we, of course, had sex all the time. Shortly after we married he deployed for a while but when he came home on leave we had sex all the time and when he came back we had plenty of sex.

Then I got pregnant and we started fighting all the time. Sex became less and less frequent and in the end it was about once a month.

Since having the baby I am still a bit overweight but I am rapidly losing weight. I know he doesn't really find me attractive which really bothers me.

Lately he always seems tired. I have to be the one to initiate anything (not that he rejects me but he doesn't initiate). When I talk to him about it and let him know I would like for him to be more affectionate (yes, I know guys are NOT mind readers so I make it clear), his excuse is that he's just too tired. We both work the same amount and I'm the one that gets up all night to deal with the baby, so I get far less sleep than he does. I'm tired as all hell but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make love to him.

From my point of view, I think it's probably our other marriage situations that are causing this but that may just be my insecurities creeping up which is why I wanted to ask, are guys every really "too tired" to have sex? I can understand it once in a while but all the time?

The other reason I ask is because I know he sometimes looks at porn (I know he did at least twice last week when I wasn't home), which makes me think he just doesn't want me because he doesn't find me attractive. He of course claims this isn't it (though he never says he finds me attractive) but his actions state otherwise.

Any input would be great.
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Old 09-12-2009, 09:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

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Originally Posted by CarolineMRF View Post
...I asked him once not long ago, "Why is it that I have to be the one that usually bring up having sex?"....His answer was good....He said "For years I have been after you and now it is your turn to come and get me"....I have accepted this....
Caroline


i have said this in other posts. i chased my wife around for 15+ years, with her having full right of refusal at anytime (and she excercised that right often), now, i just dont feel like making the effort anymore
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Old 09-12-2009, 09:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

I agree with Mem here. Most men are RARELY too tired to refuse intimacy with their spouse. Afterall, we can be put in the mode with just a breeze and we can finish almost as quickly (I'll speak just for myself on that one!). So, even if we are tired, it doesn't have to take us long to attend to business. And with what Mem stated with right of first refusal, that is an excellent point. I feel as a husband and wife it is part of the marital obligation to satisfy our mate physically. This was the hang-up I was having with my wife and her pet "rabbit". As long as I'm asked first or given the first opportunity to please her, I'm OK with her having that thing; I've even been involved with using it on her which I found to be a turn-on although I'm still getting used to the idea. I have a feeling in your case that it's not necessarily because your husband is too tired, he's trying to be nice. There's something more to it, and I also don't think it is necessarily your weight. I think most men here would agree that there is something EXTREMELY attractive about a pregnant woman, especially in the latter stages. That glow and pride of pending motherhood is just awesome. The goal of getting to your pre-pregnancy weight is a good one for you, you should do it for yourself and your husband should be accepting of you regardless of how you look. Again though and don't fault Mem, men are visual beings and we're naturally attracted to fit mates, but if only one partner is taking care of themselves physically and the other is not this in my mind is somewhat selfish. If he is unfit but will not accept you being unfit this is the proverbial double-standard alive and well. If he's fit and your not but trying to get there then he should be supportive of you and continue to encourage you, but again, you should do it for yourself first and for him second. It will only help your confidence and self-esteem. Good luck to you!
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Old 09-12-2009, 11:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

I think a man can be too tired to have sex. Occasionally my wife will make her move after 11PM, and I have to get up for work. She can take awhile to get ready, which is normally fun time, but when the sandman is calling it just seems like work. Is he getting enough sleep? I suffer from insomnia and when I'm getting less than 3 hours a night, my libido drops off.
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Old 09-12-2009, 11:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

Well, it's hard to say on the getting enough sleep point. We do have a 5 month old but he isn't the one who gets up with her, I am. He gets about 7 hours of sleep a night and I get 5-6. I let him sleep in on Saturday and he tries to let me sleep in on Sunday.

As another point, I have NEVER refused sex with him. That's what I don't understand. I'm never too tired or too sick or anything like that. If it were up to me, I'd probably want to have sex twice a night, every night (I'd probably skip a few nights here and there but not many). I can't even remember the last time we had sex twice in one night. Many times while dating but not since being married.

I asked him last night not to look at porn any more and he agreed (I do monitor what sites he visits, etc. and he can't hide it from me). I also asked him what I could do to appear more attractive to him and he couldn't come up with anything. If I try to dress particularly nice one day or wear make up or anything like that he never seems to notice so I can't come up with an answer myself and I don't know what to do about that.

Just to give everyone an idea on my weight, I was a size 2 pre-pregnancy and now I'm a size 6 (I'm 5 foot 1) so I'm not huge but definitely not as tiny as I was before. When I talked to my husband last night I told him that my view point was if you really love someone they are beautiful no matter what (of course if I gained 200 lbs I would understand but I haven't). I told him I didn't notice if he had gained any weight (he says he has but I haven't noticed at all) and that I find him just as attractive as the day I fell in love with him.

I guess any other input would be good. When I asked him what I could do to become more attractive to him I told him he should appreciate me asking him because I could either ask him and take whatever he said to heart or I could just silently resent him as I have been doing, which doesn't solve anything.
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Old 09-12-2009, 12:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

Some men, not all, but it does happen, have a hard time thinking of their wives sexually after they've had a baby.

They now see their wives as a mom. The focus is all on the baby, doing things for the baby, talking about the baby. And if the ife is nursing, their very body is about the baby. so the guy is turned off.

Can they express this? Not on your life. They are smart enough to know it'll be devastating and have a huge impact.

So how to get beyond this?

Most men eventually do get ove that silliness.

But it helps if the focus is not baby, 24/7. Which is kind of hard to accomplish when a baby requires 24/7.

Huge trap.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

My husband would say "yes" men can be too tired for sex. I think it is an excuse for some other reason of not wanting to. Except in the case pointed out of after 11pm on a worknight... but even then? Cant the wife wake up her husband once in a blue moon to have sex?


For your case... is he feeling pressured to have sex with you bc its more than he wants and he is trying to set up a boundary without letting you in on his reasons? Is becoming a new dad overwhelming? Even though you get up with the baby... he still has disrupted sleep. Maybe he is senstitive to that disruption and is really tired and not telling you of his sleep troubles... bc lets face the facts. He may feel he has no place to complain about the disruptions since you are the one getting up and actually taking care of the baby. So, maybe he really is tired. Try to see if he wakes up at all each time the baby cries out... if he does even a "rollover" or eyes open for a second... ask him if the babies cries at night wake him and how its affecting his sleep.... but in no way use it to an advantage for your getting up with the baby being worse than his being awakened... that will just end badly!

Hope this helps... long ramble!
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

Oh, I need to add... do not ask him in the middle of the night when you see it happen... wait until the morning or at a time other than bed.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

---i have said this in other posts. i chased my wife around for 15+ years, with her having full right of refusal at anytime (and she excercised that right often), now, i just dont feel like making the effort anymore ---

The same idea can work in this scenario: "after you rejecting me over and over and over again for all those years, its just not worth it anymore"
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

Never met a man who said: "Am too tired for sex".

LOL.

There could be such a creature, but I've never met him.
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Old 09-14-2009, 03:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

when i was reading your post, i was amazed, it sounds like me nearly word for word. only difference is that my child is 7. i am a little overweight, but not much, i am the same weight as i was when i met my man.

he is always "too tired" to have sex. he told me he's just trying to be nice when he sais that and when i try to bring it up it's "not the right time to discuss that" or he "doesn't know why" or, worse yet, he blows up, goes defensive and tries to make everything my fault so i'm scared to even mention anything.

he watches porn any chance he gets, as soon as i step foot outside the house. every time. we used to have a lot of sex and we are still young, neither of us has changed much since we first met.

the only clue he ever gives me is that he has repeatedly stated that sex is "too much work and not worth it for him" sometimes i just want to give him a BJ...how much work is just laying there?? i offer to do the work, but he doesn't like it because he knows i don't really get into being on top.

he has a heart condition that's somewhat common. i can't place what it's called but it makes you pass out sometimes during super high stress situations. i've never seen him pass out but he said it happened to him a couple times. he told me that he used to have a lot of trouble maintaining an erection because of this problem and it's shown a few times when we've had sex. it is not a problem to me, i never mention it, but i think maybe he might be self conscious.

i think some of the problem is that he is somewhat embarrassed and maybe, for him, sex is a lot of work because he has this preconceeded notion that he has to "rock my world" and last for an hour to be worthwhile and he thinks he can't so he just avoids it altogether. he will NEVER admit this. we have argued about the fact that i don't have to have an orgasm to enjoy making love to my husband! he said a man isn't good unless he gives his lover an orgasm, and i'm very difficult. i think it kills his ego to the point where he's afraid to even try for fear of feeling like a failure.

sex isn't what it used to be. it never will be, we are past the "new lover" stage and can never get those feelings back. he loves me, very much. he cuddles with me every night. i KNOW he's not cheating on me. it's so frustrating to not feel attractive to my own husband. the best sex we have is when i get him drunk. sad.

anyway, my point is this: maybe your hubby is having some kind of problem with his own sexuality that embarrasses him. have you noticed anything with his performance? maybe he works with people who say things that make him feel bad about himself sexually? does he hang out with a lot of other guys? does he have many friends?

i'm not sure what to say, i'm in the same boat as you. i hate this boat.



-R-
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Old 09-14-2009, 04:35 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

At this point I don't think he has any excuse. He has no performance issues and doesn't have a lot of friends. I think he's just a jerk. Thanks for the input guys, unfortunately I think the marriage is done and over with. There's gotta be someone out there who will appreciate me.
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Old 09-14-2009, 06:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: are guys really "too tired" to have sex?

Wow.,. this is quite unusual.. usually it's the women who are too tired..

I think your husband is having an affair.. it is quite frequent that men having an affair gets 'too tired' all of a sudden... without much 'reaons'...

As you say, you should be the one who is too tired.. with the kids, work, etc...

Keep your eyes wide opened..
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