I'm new to this forum, but I'm trying to figure out what to do. My hubby and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniv. this December and to put it lightly, this past year has been horrendous! First off, I gave birth to twins almost a year ago, ended up in a coma for two weeks after, went back to work full time 3 months after they were born, then most recently, almost two months ago I had a stroke that affected one side of me for a few weeks. I'm only 36. But anyway, before the stroke, my sex drive was intermittant at best, I was always exhausted, but then after my stroke, I really didn't feel like it. My husband is not happy at all. We still do it on occassion and quite honestly, the longest we didn't was about 6 weeks after the babies, but he acts like I should want it every night, and if I ask him to back off for a little bit, he agrees, but 24 hours later he's asking for it again and getting angry if he doesn't get it. Most recently, he began browsing "hook up" sites, claiming he was just trying to talk to someone about my not wanting to have sex. However, these encounters online occured after I went to bed, and once when he got up to get one of the babies a bottle at 3 am. He so much as sent pics of himself to three different women, not sure what kind of pics, he deleted them... We faced a lot shortly after we married... to the point of almost divorced (he's a recovering drug addict), but he attended intensive rehab, and a few months later, we got pregnant. We already have a counseling session set up soon, but I don't know what to do about my sex drive, and I'm tired of stressing over whether he will stray... What can I do?
I can only give you advice about you. Your husband obviously has some issues but lets just answer your question.
What can you do?
The answer, unfortunately for you since you are looking for something deeper, is simple. If you don't want him to stray, have sex with him more, its that simple.
You mention your physical problems in the past, but you didn't say they have made you physically unable to have sex, its just that you don't want to/low libido.
Here's a few tips.
1. The more you have sex as a woman, the more you will want it (generally). Semen has testosterone in it that you would absorb into your body after sex, and the testosterone will help up your own libido.
2. Even if you don't want to, do it anyway and ACT like you want to. No man wants to sleep with their wife if she is apathic about the sexual encounter.
Generally (there are exceptions) men are simple, sleep with us a lot and we won't cheat. Some of us would cheat regardless and some of us wouldn't cheat no matter what, but the general statement is true.
I do understand what you are saying, but how often am I expected to do it? Every day, twice a day, twice a week, once a week? If he goes without for a period longer than a week, I shouldn't be scared he's gonna cheat, should I? I've told him that I want to be able to come onto him like I use to, but again, he thinks that if I don't pounce on him after 24 hours of asking him that, he's gonna shrivel up. I understand the importance of sex in a marriage, and I'm not saying there's not a problem with my libido, however I feel like I'm being forced into getting it back for the sake of saving my marriage, not because I want to enjoy it like I used to... I don't know...
In a nutshell ...
I meet this wonderful girl and we have off-the-hook sex for three years. I ask her to spend her life with me.
From the time we became engaged, the dynamic of our sex-life begins to radically change.
We have children. The children and their well-being become her absolute focus. Me, my well-being - and our relationship become secondary. Sex isn't even on her radar, it is seen as chore that she has to be an unwilling participant in, instead of an exercise in strengthening our bond and marriage.
My desire to be intimate becomes the focus of the issue, her lack of desire seems reasonable and justifiable to her.
We grow apart, and split up.
I'm not going to make the sweeping generalization that this is the case in every marriage - but the above is exactly what happened in mine.
If the two of you take the approach that each of you is doing something 'wrong': you don't want sex, he is making use of pornography or chatting up people online to sate his needs, I can guarantee your outcome will be the same. Your marriage will simply continue to deteriorate.
Approach it as a problem that the two of you need to resolve to preserve your marriage, and it takes on a different context.
You may think RevitalizedHusband's point number 2 above is ridiculous - but it is 100% true. If we feel fulfilled, generally we are going to work harder to make you happy as well.
It sounds as if he's an extremely selfish person. His behavior isn't your fault and you shouldn't put up with it for a second. He needs to get back into therapy on his own.
As for you, have you had a complete physical, including a thyroid check?
I've asked 3 different doctors about my lack of sex drive (after the stroke) and they all pretty much laugh at me and tell me that after what my body has been through this year, it should be the least of my concerns (hubby was sitting right there when they said that)... I go back to the doc on Oct. 12 and rest assured I'm going to let her know that my lack of libido is now the most of my concerns because my husband needs sex now... I will be sure to mention the thyroid too though. Thanks!
I think you need to look up someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction -- low desire. You're right that most doctors laugh at both men and women and fail to treat their concerns with the respect they deserve.
While the doc is very nice to give you a pass knowing what you've been through, he's not paying attention to the fact that you are in a marriage where both partners expected sex to play a role.
1. The more you have sex as a woman, the more you will want it (generally). Semen has testosterone in it that you would absorb into your body after sex, and the testosterone will help up your own libido.
2. Even if you don't want to, do it anyway and ACT like you want to. No man wants to sleep with their wife if she is apathic about the sexual encounter.
I had never quite put it this way but it is ABSOLUTELY true.... coming from someone with a low sex drive - in fact a VERY low sex drive, do Number 2 and Number 1 will happen.
I think you need to look up someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction -- low desire. You're right that most doctors laugh at both men and women and fail to treat their concerns with the respect they deserve.
While the doc is very nice to give you a pass knowing what you've been through, he's not paying attention to the fact that you are in a marriage where both partners expected sex to play a role.
Bingo.
On the one occasion that my wife did try to speak with her gyn at the time about her performance difficulties and apprehension about sex, the doc dismissed it and told her that she just needed more foreplay. I was dumbfounded. So consequently, she stopped looking for solutions, and things just got worse.
Have to 100% agree with revitalizedhusband. I know it sounds selfish and so non-politically correct but it's so true. And I say that because of my own situation. My wife rarely has sex with me unless she is 'in the mood' and I have to usually live without it. And it's not all the time. She will 'usually' throw me a bone so to speak every week or two. But I often feel the same as the OPs husband. I can have sex one night and I'll be more then ready the next morning.
Again, I know this is so not P.C. but it always amazes me why women are surprised when their husbands cheat on them and they full well knew that they were not satisfying their man in the bedroom. I'm not saying that cheating is right but how surprising is that outcome?? I've been tempted before and I would be hard pressed to resist should a situation ever come up and I had the opportunity to have sex with someone else. But I haven't cheated and I haven't gone the route of joining an online dating site or whatever. But that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind.
So I am sorry for your situation and who knows what the right number is. Maybe you need to have a conversation and ask. And maybe it doesn't have to be intercourse all the time, maybe you could have sex 3 times a week and throw in a couple of BJs or handjobs just to get him off? I would be in heaven and happier then ever if I could get my wife to just do that.
Have to 100% agree with revitalizedhusband. I know it sounds selfish and so non-politically correct but it's so true. And I say that because of my own situation. My wife rarely has sex with me unless she is 'in the mood' and I have to usually live without it. And it's not all the time. She will 'usually' throw me a bone so to speak every week or two. But I often feel the same as the OPs husband. I can have sex one night and I'll be more then ready the next morning.
Again, I know this is so not P.C. but it always amazes me why women are surprised when their husbands cheat on them and they full well knew that they were not satisfying their man in the bedroom. I'm not saying that cheating is right but how surprising is that outcome?? I've been tempted before and I would be hard pressed to resist should a situation ever come up and I had the opportunity to have sex with someone else. But I haven't cheated and I haven't gone the route of joining an online dating site or whatever. But that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind.
So I am sorry for your situation and who knows what the right number is. Maybe you need to have a conversation and ask. And maybe it doesn't have to be intercourse all the time, maybe you could have sex 3 times a week and throw in a couple of BJs or handjobs just to get him off? I would be in heaven and happier then ever if I could get my wife to just do that.
Whatever happened to masturbation? 3 times a week and a couple of BJ's or handjobs? I'm not saying it's impossible, but after three years together and full time jobs, twin babies at home, a teenager staying the weekends with us? So the number it sounds like would be good with you in one way shape or form is pretty much every night and then some... I know my number of 1 every week or two is pretty low, but your number seems a bit excessive for a couple with twin babies... And I'm a firm believer that sex in a marriage is not all a marriage is about when it comes down to it. So to stray for lack of sex after about a week, a month, or even a year, is probably saying a lot more about the foundation of that marriage to begin with... And I know in my own marriage there are foundation issues from the start <---- we've been addressing those issues too.
Whatever happened to masturbation? 3 times a week and a couple of BJ's or handjobs? I'm not saying it's impossible, but after three years together and full time jobs, twin babies at home, a teenager staying the weekends with us? So the number it sounds like would be good with you in one way shape or form is pretty much every night and then some... I know my number of 1 every week or two is pretty low, but your number seems a bit excessive for a couple with twin babies... And I'm a firm believer that sex in a marriage is not all a marriage is about when it comes down to it. So to stray for lack of sex after about a week, a month, or even a year, is probably saying a lot more about the foundation of that marriage to begin with... And I know in my own marriage there are foundation issues from the start <---- we've been addressing those issues too.
I agree with you about foundation issues and a marriage not being all about sex. I'm in my early 20s, married a guy in his mid 30s, give him sex whenever he wants, try whatever he wants in bed...did that keep him from straying? No. Sometimes people have problems that need to really be worked on, sex can't be used as a bandaid for everything that's wrong in a marriage.
My wife and I have 3 kids that range from 3 yrs to 8 yrs, I work full time and she works part time (mostly a stay at home mom) and at no point in our marriage (9.5 years now) did we have sex less than probably twice a week on average.
Now we are more like 4-5 times a week and my wife is a low libido woman...I have to do things to help her get in the mood most nights.
Sorry, but I mean at one point we had a 5 year old, 3 year old, and a infant and 3 times a week might have been a "low" week for us.
Whatever happened to masturbation? Well, find me a man that wants to masturbate over having sex with his wife and I'll show you a man that has some MAJOR issues.
Twin babies or not, you HAVE to make time, they sleep, they can be in play pins etc. What does having the teenager over have to do with anything? Your bedroom door has a lock on it doesn't it?
About the quote..
Quote:
And I'm a firm believer that sex in a marriage is not all a marriage is about when it comes down to it. So to stray for lack of sex after about a week, a month, or even a year, is probably saying a lot more about the foundation of that marriage to begin with...
You need to read the book "The Five Love Languates" because you just don't understand what is means for someone who's love language is physical touch, to be loved. Most men have the love language of physical touch and that, in a nutshell, means they feel 0 love from their spouse if their spouse doesn't want to have sex with them.
You definitely have one of the other 4 love languages, whichever one it is it is the "thing" that makes you feel loved, period. Its not sex for you and thats fine.
However, to those who's love language is physical touch, sex is the most important thing in the marriag to them, always has and always will be, period. Whatever your love language is, that is the most important thing to you in the marriage.
It doesn't mean either of you are wrong, you just "feel loved" in different ways.
So, what I'm saying is that to you, you are right, sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, however, most likely to your husband (and most men) it most definitely is, and you can't change that.
Also, the comment that "so to stray after a week, month, or even a year..." oh come on. You can't truly expect someone to stick around with no sex for A YEAR! I've been married going on 10 years now, and if we take away the couple weeks after giving birth, the longest my wife and I have ever gone without some form of sex is probably 2 weeks...and by God she knew I wasn't happy about it. I wasn't a prick, but she knew it was starting to upset me...and she then took care of it a couple nights in a row.
My wife's love language is acts of service (basically doing stuff for her or helping her out). If I laid around the house and did jack crap for her for weeks on end or months or A YEAR you better believe she'd be PISSED OFF and she should be.
Again, sorry to reiterate it, but while sex isn't the most important thing to you in a marriage, it most likely is to your husband and you can't change that.
I'm not saying your husband is "right" in everything because he's obviously not, but he's not the one here asking for advice, I'd be ripping him a knew one for the chat sites/online dating thing instead of coming to you and figuring out an compromise or just laying out an ultimatum, something besides nearly cheating.
You asked for advice on how to know he won't stray, well, the advice is sleep with him 3+ times a week and I can next to bet he won't stray. That's not even every day (which is what my wife and I shoot for, but typically its 5 times a week), thats not even every other day to be honest.
You mean you can't find 30 minutes once every two days, even with twin babies and a job to have sex? There has GOT to be some things you and your husband both do during the day that isn't quite essential (TV? Internet? etc) that you could cut 30 minutes out of that activity to be with each other.
You asked for advice on how to know he won't stray, well, the advice is sleep with him 3+ times a week and I can next to bet he won't stray. That's not even every day (which is what my wife and I shoot for, but typically its 5 times a week), thats not even every other day to be honest.
You mean you can't find 30 minutes once every two days, even with twin babies and a job to have sex? There has GOT to be some things you and your husband both do during the day that isn't quite essential (TV? Internet? etc) that you could cut 30 minutes out of that activity to be with each other.
Our babies actually just started going to bed at a normal time, and not taking turns waking up, thus leaving us about 2 hours in the evening for some alone time... Wii, TV, cleaning, etc. I don't know, I do hear what you're saying. I haven't read the book you refer to, but it is painstaking to hear that some men "need" sex to feel any amount of love from their spouse. I guess I may have been that way in my earlier years (college), but then I made a conscious effort to go without any kind of relationship for at least a year. I determined I can't depend on anyone to "give" me anything to make me happy, I have to make myself happy, sex included, before I can make anyone else happy. Interesting perspective though. Glad I came here because I am learning that I do need to give a little and instead of turning a blind eye to my lost libido, I should work on getting it back and quit making excuses.
Trying to understand
