Can I try to summarize here:
- Your wife does not treat you as her highest priority
- You definitely treat her as your highest priority
Sure, sex is part of it. And let me summarize that also:
It only happens when she wants, the way she wants. If you want it, and initiate and she isn't in the mood, then without hesitation she says "no", because you are not a high priority to her.
In fact you feel like a low priority. If she is taking calls in the middle of a nice dinner that you made - that is very, very disrespectful. I doubt you would do that to her.
I think you are right. I also thing you need to take some steps here. If you act like a victim you get treated like a victim.
Your wife does not respond to words. She will respond to actions. If you have some stones - you will do something like this: I feel like our marriage is getting worse and worse. I need you to get a job and start learning to be financially self sufficient, since I am becoming doubtful as to what will happen to us long term.
By the way this is not about communication. She fully understands what is happening and how you feel. This is about commitment. You are fully committed to her happiness and she is not so committed to yours.
A marriage counselor can't help with commitment. The person either has it or does not. If you take the role of sole breadwinner, then you will always be "stuck" if things end you are being unfair to her because she is helpless. But it can't be fun for her to be around a guy who is getting more and more angry.
She WILL understand the consequence of you telling her to get a full time job and start working towards being financially sufficient. That is likely going to prompt a very intense conversation about where you stand in the priority stack.
I have some experience with this priority issue. Not sexually - that part was always great. But for a few years I got treated as a low priority and I started to withdraw from the marriage emotionally. And my lovely wife - who really is a great person - woke up and really changed.
If you keep cooking these romantic dinners and kissing her a.. she is going to keep believing that she is a great wife. So part of this needs to be you stopping the white glove treatment and part of it is the get a job conversation.
Originally Posted by The Space Cowboy View Post
Ya know, I think I have a better idea of what you want from your wife. It's not just sex or intimacy and you don't dislike her for her lack of imagination, you want her to treat those moments like a big deal! Get dolled up for a change! Put the sweats in the dirty clothes hamper, put on the little black dress with the high heeled pumps, go some where or do something! Flirt with you mercilessly while looking at you with that smoldering look that makes men go to war. Take you home and bang you like a screen door in a hurricane in every conceivable position until you both pass out near the bed. Am I remotely close?