Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I think I am getting resentful of my wife, or at least this hit me last night while laying in bed.
Over the past few years, I seem to have gotten angry or resentful of my wife and how she is the one that controls our sex lives.
Without the whole back ground, I feel more and more angry towards my wife for her lack of effort, lack of putting me in at least the top 10 important people in her life, and general lack of keeping our sex lives exciting.
It has gotten to the point where I actually avoid her or pretend I am sleeping to just avoid sex with her. I would rather just take care of myself and not deal with the BS anymore. I am a good husband, I provide a pretty nice life for her, cook dinners, clean, do nice things for her, buy her gifts, ext. That has all come to a hault the last few months, as I have pretty much given up. She seems fine with the same old same old each time we have sex. Which is pretty much me doing everything. I am just so tired of being the one that tries and actaully cares about keeping our sex life fun.
So, this has lead me to where I am now. Typically very quite around her, avoid her at bedtime, rather please myself than have sex with her, and each morning I wake at 3am only to lay there in bed for an hour and stew in my crappy situation. I start each day in total depression as to my life and how it has lead to this.
I simply can't leave, as I am the sole provider and provided a pretty nice deal for her and I would pretty much be ruined if I tried. I just fell like dying everyday as I am in such a rut with this.
Ho do i get past this? Should I speak with her about how I really feel? Do I still try and do the nice things only to feel like a chump getting played. Any suggestions would help.
A few questions...
How long have you been married? Do you argue or fight? Has your sex life always been like this? Did it gradually change or was it all of a sudden? How many children do you have? How old is the oldest? Have you expressed these feelings to your wife AT ALL? How often do you have sex per month?
Space - together for 17 years, no kids, have sex 1-3 times a week, we wnet to consueling and I did mention I feel a lack of appreciation and such. Little has changed on her part. I tried to be all that I am supposed to be and it just doesn't work.
I could get sex 1-3 times a week, but it's like I really dont even want it with her anymore. I do all the work, she tries nothing, it takes me for ever to climax and then that is now giving me anxiety.
Thanks Minn for answering my questions. This now leads to even MORE questions. Your post says "I feel more and more angry towards my wife for her lack of effort, lack of putting me in at least the top 10 important people in her life, and general lack of keeping our sex lives exciting." What is it that you want your wife to do that is she is not doing or lacking? Does she not initiate sex? When you do have sex, is there foreplay? Does she climax? Does she seem "into it"? What seems to be the important things in her life that she is putting in front of her relationship with you? I know there are a lot of questions, but I think the answers will help us help you.
Space - My wife is pretty much very happy with our sex life, she mentions and I know she has great O's often 2-3 per session. As mentioned, I have given up on initiating sex, just due to the many times I am shot down, I have just given up. She initiates sex with me 1-3 times a week. I think I have initiated sex once in the last 2 months. Pretty much she is fine with the exact same positions, style, whateever each and everytime. There is like NO variety or something new, adn it's pretty much me doing 90% of the work. Now after a year or so, I am getting anxiety due to it takes me like 30 minutes to climax and I feel she gets frusterated. It's pretty much because I am just not turned on anymore. I just can't take being so sexually frusterated anymore.
She pretty much puts anything and everything before our marriage. Her family, her friends, anything. Her mom thinks nothing of calling 10 times a day, often right during our "romatic dinners" and she takes the call. I end up just getting up and leaving the table. A few hours later she wonders by and is all sad she is a bad wife like I am putting a guilt trip on her. BUT, it's the same old same old each day.
I just want some variety or something different. I'd honestly love to find a pill that would totally kill my sex drive. That way I'd be alot happier.
I'm gonna tell you what I think, but I don't think your gonna like it. First, if your being honest with me and I have no reason to believe otherwise, you have a fantastic sex life in comparison to other posters in this site. If my wife gave me sex 1-3 times a week and initiated it, I doubt we would be having this conversation. I have the feeling others on this site are in agreement with me on this one. The issue seems to not be the amount of sex but the type of sex you are getting. You have some fantasies you want to have fulfilled and have never expressed them to your wife who seems to enjoy sex with you. If there is something you would like to do, ask her about it! Not saying anything to her and just walking around being pissed at her helps nothing. Resenting her only hurts you especially if you never took the opportunity to discuss this. And do me a favor; don't come at her like this is her fault. You never told her so how the hell is she supposed to know what's in your heart if you never expressed this to her?
I just want some variety or something different. I'd honestly love to find a pill that would totally kill my sex drive. That way I'd be alot happier.
im in your shoes, only its my H that likes it the same way every time, and only about once a week or so. my sex drive has gone down immensely and it is so much nicer. i really dont care about sex that much anymore. i dont watch any tv and dont read any fad magazines, so there's nothing to trigger a need for it. mostly during the week i forget about it.
i used to be extremely resentful about it. i used to flat out hate him. but i guess i just realize that his needs are different and that doesnt make him a bad person. it might mean i need to move on, but that's my choice and im the one choosing to stay.
but you've been married 17 years. that's a long time. do you think that has anything to do with it?
I'm getting the impression that there are two distinct, though perhaps intertwined, issues here:
1) Dissatisfaction with your sex-life. As the Gangster of Love said, your situation is (comparatively speaking) not nearly as bad as some folks around here. That may not be much consolation but it's the truth.
Rather than being resentful that your wife isn't providing a fulfilling sex life, might I suggest that you try to come up with very specific, actionable ideas on precisely how/what your wife could do that would satisfy you? Put some serious thought into it. Once you have some ideas, try to find an opportunity when you're both in a good mood to broach the subject.
If, on the other hand, you cannot really come up with specific ideas then I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong tree; which leads to...
2) You seem dissatisfied with more than your sex-life. You've given us a couple examples of how your wife "puts anything and everything" before your marriage. I'm not disputing that at all, but I am saying that I think this is the bigger issue than whatever perceived sexual intimacy problems you're having. I'd be willing to wager that your dissatisfaction and despondency are so pervasive that you can't really pinpoint exactly what it is that's bothering you; sex is an easy and convenient scapegoat (as one of the only tangible barometers of physical/emotional intimacy).
I could be very mistaken, of course, but it's always of paramount importance to have a healthy and happy relationship before addressing sexual issues. (As much as it is possible to have a healthy and happy relationship in the face of such problems.)
Thanks Riddler for picking up on the "Gangster of Love" name. It would have been different, but I am not sure what a "Pompatus" is. In any event, I fully agree with your post %100. There does seem to be an underlying issue here that may have less to do with sex.
Thanks for the comments Space, I do appreciate the bluntness.
few more comments:
I have tried to take action and discretely discuss some things we can do to spice up the love life, it more often than not just gets a blank stare or never happens. She cam up with a great idea, I was impressed, then again she just lets it faded away.
On Sunday's I have a deal where I cook a nice dinner and try and set the mood. Table set, candles, I get showered and cleaned up, then give a shout out that dinner is 20 minutes out (trying to let her know she COULD get cleaned up and change the weekend "clean the garage clothes" into something a bit nicer. Well, as typical she just comes strolling in wearing the dirty clothes and when i make the slightest comment it gets a sigh. So I have stopped trying to make suggestions and then she just comes back with the sigh and "I'm a bad wife" trip. Now I feel like I have anxeity over when she does clean up if she really means it or is she doing because she feels guilty or something. It is like zero effort on her part to ever have a romantic time with me.
More back ground, just for FYI. I am a good husband. I treat her well, never question purchases, never ever have I told her she can't do something, buy her gifts all the time, buy her flowers, pay for a pretty nice life, cook all the time, clean the house, keep the yard up, keep he car always detailed and full of gas, ext.... Just so the basic dead beat husband comments don't come up. I'm trying all I can.
As far as hidden anger not related to sex, yes there is her dead beat family. Mom who thinks nothing of callineg her 6 times a day to ***** about anything, a drunk brother who the family falls over backwards for, all her friends who she would rather call them to offer best wishes to when them have problems in thier lives, all of this she puts above our relationship, It's like I get the used up left overs. I have a stressful business, it really beats me up 5 days a week. I alwasy have clients wanting to get dinner or something on weekends. I have the common sense to knwo I need time out, I need 2 days a week to say **** it and not help anyone but us. Thats how I stay sane doing what i do, She though can not say no, she doesn't get the idea that she needs time for herself. I'm not saying she should spend time for me, but either for herself and a little for us maybe.
I am not looking for more friendship time, more of her non-sexual touches or anything like that. I just want to feel loved and appreciated.
I do appreciate the comments Space, I do always try and look at it to see if I am just being a baby over this stuff or if I have a valid issue. It weighs on me heavy. I feel like I need to stand up to this BS, but then after a few days of cold feelings, I just fold again and suck it up for the team and try again. I just feel like I am such a ***** all the time. I really need to figure out if I have valid complaints or if I am just in a normal married life and this is teh way it is. I really can't stand to think I have nothing to look forward to in life except paying taxes and dying.
Ya know, I think I have a better idea of what you want from your wife. It's not just sex or intimacy and you don't dislike her for her lack of imagination, you want her to treat those moments like a big deal! Get dolled up for a change! Put the sweats in the dirty clothes hamper, put on the little black dress with the high heeled pumps, go some where or do something! Flirt with you mercilessly while looking at you with that smoldering look that makes men go to war. Take you home and bang you like a screen door in a hurricane in every conceivable position until you both pass out near the bed. Am I remotely close?
I am just so tired of being the one that tries and actaully cares about keeping our sex life fun.
She may be completely satisfied with your sex life the way it is. It sounds like shes enjoying it and initiating. Many women are not comfortable coming up with new, exciting sex adventures.
I can plan a fun date, romantic evening, etc. but am not the most creative when it comes to having sex (don't know if it's because I don't look at porn or things that would give me ideas or simply because it's not something I think about much outside of the bedroom.)
My h, on the other hand, is a creative genious in that department
Instead of being upset with her because she doesn't think the same way about sex as you do, why not try to involve her more but at her comfort level. Plan a romantic night in advance...see if she would be up for planning a romantic dinner, getting a sexy dress to wear...if she's up for it, leave her a present a few days before..sexy underwear to wear...and you take the reigns in the sex department. All you need is a willing partner to make it more exciting....expecting her to drive it when you are the one that wants it may be too much...but if she really enjoys it too, it may be the start of something new.
Can I try to summarize here:
- Your wife does not treat you as her highest priority
- You definitely treat her as your highest priority
Sure, sex is part of it. And let me summarize that also:
It only happens when she wants, the way she wants. If you want it, and initiate and she isn't in the mood, then without hesitation she says "no", because you are not a high priority to her.
In fact you feel like a low priority. If she is taking calls in the middle of a nice dinner that you made - that is very, very disrespectful. I doubt you would do that to her.
I think you are right. I also thing you need to take some steps here. If you act like a victim you get treated like a victim.
Your wife does not respond to words. She will respond to actions. If you have some stones - you will do something like this: I feel like our marriage is getting worse and worse. I need you to get a job and start learning to be financially self sufficient, since I am becoming doubtful as to what will happen to us long term.
By the way this is not about communication. She fully understands what is happening and how you feel. This is about commitment. You are fully committed to her happiness and she is not so committed to yours.
A marriage counselor can't help with commitment. The person either has it or does not. If you take the role of sole breadwinner, then you will always be "stuck" if things end you are being unfair to her because she is helpless. But it can't be fun for her to be around a guy who is getting more and more angry.
She WILL understand the consequence of you telling her to get a full time job and start working towards being financially sufficient. That is likely going to prompt a very intense conversation about where you stand in the priority stack.
I have some experience with this priority issue. Not sexually - that part was always great. But for a few years I got treated as a low priority and I started to withdraw from the marriage emotionally. And my lovely wife - who really is a great person - woke up and really changed.
If you keep cooking these romantic dinners and kissing her a.. she is going to keep believing that she is a great wife. So part of this needs to be you stopping the white glove treatment and part of it is the get a job conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Space Cowboy
Ya know, I think I have a better idea of what you want from your wife. It's not just sex or intimacy and you don't dislike her for her lack of imagination, you want her to treat those moments like a big deal! Get dolled up for a change! Put the sweats in the dirty clothes hamper, put on the little black dress with the high heeled pumps, go some where or do something! Flirt with you mercilessly while looking at you with that smoldering look that makes men go to war. Take you home and bang you like a screen door in a hurricane in every conceivable position until you both pass out near the bed. Am I remotely close?
You need to talk to her about how you've been feeling lately, the consequences (she's probably noticed your changes) and tell her that something has to be done.
But carrying around all of this resentment is no good. It isn't fair to her and if she doesn't get that you're serious and you've got a real and lingering problem with the status quo, tell her you want to go to counseling because you are not sure if you can handle things as they are any longer.
How to get rid of resentment 
