Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Ok, it has come kinda clear that I may not be communicating well with my wife about my desires in our sex life. As I mentioned in my previous post about this, I am pretty much bored with our sex life, find it hard to complete the deal, gaining anxiety about all of this, and generally holding resentment against her for this.
I am going to try one attempt and being comunicative about this. I guess my previous attempts were just not clear.
What I want to say:
1) I am bored with our sex life.
2) It's the same damn thing everytime
3) I take forever to climax as it just doesnt turn me on anymore, and that gives me anxeity as I think you are getting bored or something
4) I need her to actively try to make our sex life fun again, currently I feel it's all on my back
5) I need her to be more active in the actual act, not just me doing all the work.
So:
Ladies, how do I bring all that up to my wife, while not making her feel bad, get hurt, offended, or make her feel like she is under pressure now to perform. I certainly do not wnat more anxeity due to me feeling like I am pressuring her to do anything she isn't OK with, and wnat her to have fun
And just to ward off any commnets about convincing the wife to swing or something, thats not the case. Not looking to nail her best friend or anything like that. Just spice it up some.
It might help if you give us some more information on how your wife reacts to things in general. You mentioned she pulls the "I'm a bad wife" thing on you. Can you provide an example dialog? Also, any other hot buttons she seems to have? Maybe we can help you work out how to approach her with some more info on her particular means of 1, putting you off, 2, deflecting, 3, any anger/sarcasm kinds of things, and 4, anything you perceive she fears when it comes to being more involved with the sexual relationship.
She is a very strong willed women. Many times she has stated she doesn't need anyone, and just wnats to be around her dogs. She is never wrong, and I am always the monster or bad guy. I tend to not be very emotional, but I am far from being a push over. I speak my voice to everyone, and am seldom unclear on where I stand. With her though, it's almost like I would ratehr just shut up, take my licks, and be left alone. I never have ordered her to do anything, never second guessed her purchases, and she has full access to our financials. I am far from being a controling type at all.
She can not have a discussion. It always becomes her defending or accusing. In my attempts to speak with her, I never use blame, never say term like "you always" or "you do this", I alwasy try and tell her how I FEEL, and not assign blame, simply tell her how I feel and thats it. She takes it and makes it into an arguement.
There is no, I talk and tell her how I feel, and then she talks. It is I talk, and she says I am wrong or stupid. Thus, I stopped even trying as it is pointless.
We have been to and done some fun things in our sex life, and wnat that to return.
Wow. That is tough. She's very defensive and when she's the most defensive, she goes on the offensive. Is that right?
Does she feel that because she is happy with your sex life that you should also be happy? Does she concede that everyone has their own wants and needs?
Does she recall those things you used to do as fun and are they positive memories for her? I'm thinking this is a good place to start. It isn't what she's not doing, per se. It is something you've shared with her and something you want more of in the future.
Nah. What's wrong with that is that it is still too namby and she won't get the message strongly enough. And that's the point. To get her to GET IT. You're serious. This is a marriage busting issue for you. You won't be put off or ignored any longer.
OK. Think... think...
Looking at your numbered items, I think taking items 3-5 are the way to go. You don't want to use the word bored as that has a lot of connotations that will put her back up. Maybe you can say that sex isn't stimulating like it used to be and you can give the examples from the stuff you used to do together so she understands what you're looking for. You believe your performance problems are related to your sincere desire for more interaction and more responsiveness from her and not getting the kind of responsiveness and variety that the two of you used to have for so long has really worn down your commitment to the relationship. (So now she gets alarmed and worried and maybe defensive. Don't address her defensiveness. Let it go. You want to only establish your needs and how serious you are.) You worry that if things continue like this, you may consider alternatives just to preserve your sense of self and your sense of manhood. You need her to understand your feelings and you need her to respond with real action, to your request, to return to a more fulfilling sexual life. You love her and want her as any man should want his wife. But you also have needs and your needs are not being met. In order to see a long and happy marriage, you need to feel wanted and loved and important to her, to be a priority to her, and to have this demonstrated in multiple ways. And one extremely important way is by being actively involved in your sex life together. Without it, you're not sure how much longer you can handle being married. (Something like that.)
Other folks, please help!!
If she talks about right or wrong, just tell her that this isn't about right or wrong. It is about how you feel and what you need and you're not backing down or pretending that it isn't important any longer. It is important and that's just the way it is. It is a fact like any other fact.
If you get past that, you can try to engage her in discussion as to exactly what you mean in terms of the mechanics of sex. How you'd like her to behave. It might be helpful if she has done these things in the past to use her as your example. It can be scary to hear a guy tell you he wants you to moan like a banshee when you've never done that before and then you start to wonder where the sudden interest comes from, ya know? ;-)
Also, maybe picking up a well photographed sex book might help break the ice, too. That way it isn't all "LISTEN UP, WENCH! I NEED THIS OR ELSE!" It is more constructive.
But you have to be firm when she pulls any of the usual stunts to try to get you off topic or to force you to respond a certain way. You just can't let up. You're serious and you need this. It isn't a wish. It is a requirement.
You might want to bring a very cool demeanor and a list of bullets - for talking through your message.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dobo
Wow. That is tough. She's very defensive and when she's the most defensive, she goes on the offensive. Is that right?
Does she feel that because she is happy with your sex life that you should also be happy? Does she concede that everyone has their own wants and needs?
Does she recall those things you used to do as fun and are they positive memories for her? I'm thinking this is a good place to start. It isn't what she's not doing, per se. It is something you've shared with her and something you want more of in the future.
Nah. What's wrong with that is that it is still too namby and she won't get the message strongly enough. And that's the point. To get her to GET IT. You're serious. This is a marriage busting issue for you. You won't be put off or ignored any longer.
OK. Think... think...
Looking at your numbered items, I think taking items 3-5 are the way to go. You don't want to use the word bored as that has a lot of connotations that will put her back up. Maybe you can say that sex isn't stimulating like it used to be and you can give the examples from the stuff you used to do together so she understands what you're looking for. You believe your performance problems are related to your sincere desire for more interaction and more responsiveness from her and not getting the kind of responsiveness and variety that the two of you used to have for so long has really worn down your commitment to the relationship. (So now she gets alarmed and worried and maybe defensive. Don't address her defensiveness. Let it go. You want to only establish your needs and how serious you are.) You worry that if things continue like this, you may consider alternatives just to preserve your sense of self and your sense of manhood. You need her to understand your feelings and you need her to respond with real action, to your request, to return to a more fulfilling sexual life. You love her and want her as any man should want his wife. But you also have needs and your needs are not being met. In order to see a long and happy marriage, you need to feel wanted and loved and important to her, to be a priority to her, and to have this demonstrated in multiple ways. And one extremely important way is by being actively involved in your sex life together. Without it, you're not sure how much longer you can handle being married. (Something like that.)
Other folks, please help!!
If she talks about right or wrong, just tell her that this isn't about right or wrong. It is about how you feel and what you need and you're not backing down or pretending that it isn't important any longer. It is important and that's just the way it is. It is a fact like any other fact.
If you get past that, you can try to engage her in discussion as to exactly what you mean in terms of the mechanics of sex. How you'd like her to behave. It might be helpful if she has done these things in the past to use her as your example. It can be scary to hear a guy tell you he wants you to moan like a banshee when you've never done that before and then you start to wonder where the sudden interest comes from, ya know? ;-)
Also, maybe picking up a well photographed sex book might help break the ice, too. That way it isn't all "LISTEN UP, WENCH! I NEED THIS OR ELSE!" It is more constructive.
But you have to be firm when she pulls any of the usual stunts to try to get you off topic or to force you to respond a certain way. You just can't let up. You're serious and you need this. It isn't a wish. It is a requirement.
Minncouple, no disrespect intended but you need to stop letting your wife walk all over you. You say she is strong willed, I think she is far from it. Spouses who act as they the dominant ones are usually insecure and defensive. I think your issue goes deeper than just your sex life. If you not satisfied in your marriage generally it will eventually lead to a boring sex life. Sort out the other issues first and you will see that your sex life will be what it once was.
Dobo, dodo, same, especially if you're dyslexic! :-)
I was thinking that it is important that you don't reassure her if you mention the strain this is putting on your commitment to the marriage. She quite honestly should be worried. It would be false to try to allay those fears not only because it would undermine your chances for getting what you want, but because it would be a lie. Her marriage is in crisis and she needs to understand it. You can't fix what you don't know or believe is broken.
Ladies, How do I approach my wife.... 
