Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Dangerous or not, nobody should feel pressured to do something they don't want to do.
OP is well in her rights to say no. Some people enjoy it, some people are willing to do it for their partner, and some people just won't.
I'm in the third group. If my wife asked me to, I couldn't do it. No way, no how. Not because it is degrading, but because it is a turn off for me. Which would make it kinda hard to complete the act. (or NOT hard, as the case may be. )
As far as oral being degrading, I suppose anything sexual can be degrading if treated that way. A few choice words, or actions, can turn plain vanilla missionary sex into a degrading act. I prefer to think of giving oral as empowering....something I can give with no expectation of receiving, something "just for her". I've heard some women say the same thing, how it is empowering, makes them feel in control. I guess it is all in how it is treated.
Yes, you are very right. No one is expected to do something they don't like or that makes them feel unconfortable.
In your case it's obvious you don't like it and it's more than normal for you not to do it. In the OP's case...it depends. I was giving an alternate view on that activity because sometimes it helps to view things from a different perspective. And it helps to keep an open mind...and ask yourself 'k, why don't i like this...because it makes me feel cheap...but why do i think it makes me feel cheap? it's supposed to bring me and my husband pleasure'. If at the end of that you still don't like a type of sex, then sure, don't do it. It's more than normal to say no to things you don't like.
Don't tell me that all women in porn are enjoying themselves... that's rubbish. There is a lot of exploitation in the sex trades. Don't forget that and surely don't use the condition of the women (mentally, emotionally) as a reason to support porn...
HOWEVER... if you aren't married to Mr. Respectful it could easily be seen as degrading to have him want to do to her what he sees in porn. If you're married to a guy who treats sex as though it isn't something special and their wives indifferently, it would be easy to ask what the difference is between the indifferent way men treat women in porn (it is all about them) and the way the guy is treating his wife.
Also, this nonsense about "hey, I know what we could do" is so silly. The guy can't even talk about sex properly.
Remember, I'm a very sexually adventurous person. But I didn't get there by feeling pressured to do things I wasn't into or by having my husband (either of them) behave poorly toward me but then want what he's seen in some video. I got there by being loved and wanted and respected.
My wife and I have had backdoor. Sometimes its been good for her sometimes not so good. It has always been an in the mood thing. We did it once years ago and then not again for years. It was only after the birth of one of our children that it became something that wasn't always out of the question. Not sure what changed in that department but even still its something that has to be in the right mood. I sometimes will ask and she will say okay other times it just sorta happened when spooning and one thing would lead to the next.
Its funny because for me it doesn't feel all that different. The idea of it is sort of the the turn on not the feeling itself. For us its not something that can be rushed and takes time to work everything in. If its uncomfortable then I will stop. Sometimes she doesn't tell me and I finish and then feel bad when she tells me that it felt a little painful.
I enjoy the though of the "forbidden" but enjoy the feeling of her vagina better. Its something that can just be an extra spice sometimes. She has asked me why I enjoy that, or why I want to and in the end I don't really have an answer because it doesn't feel all that different for me. Also its usually not as fun just because I do need to be more careful not to hurt her and because I worry that if I do something wrong it will hurt really bad.
I think this is why my wife likes anal and swallowing; it just makes her feel "naughty", which turns her on (me too!) But if being naughty is not something a person likes then I can certainly understand not wanting to do such stuff.
Yeah, I don't get that "naughty" feeling. It's just a natural part of our sex life that we both enjoy. We have a level of intimacy within our sex life that neither of us have experienced with anyone else before. It's very liberating, actually. I've never gotten the thing about swallowing either. I don't see it as degrading, but I understand a lot of women do. As far as taste, modifying the diet can seriously help the taste. Foods like strawberries and pineapple can make it taste sweeter...asparagus on the other hand, does HORRIBLE things to the taste. LOL!
Fruits like pineapple and strawberry definitely help the taste.
Anyway, I agree with most, if done in a loving relationship and done the right way, anal and swallowing NEITHER are "degrading" to women, thats just absurd. Especially to the poster that said its not degrading for a man to perform oral until climax is not degrading to the man but if a woman performs oral on a man until climax it is degrading? Thats ridiculous.
Now, if I just watched some porn where a guy was just hammering away at some girls "backdoor" with no regard for "her" and asked my wife to act like that...now THAT would be degrading.
I know, Dobo. i'm used to being the odd chick out, but it's nice to have some company. Lol.
Eh, to me, sex is too much fun NOT to be a freak. Maybe thats why my H tells me how lucky he is to have a freaky wife. =)
That's a very bad way to look at it Okey. Remember that the women who post here as being "different" are really different. We're not the same as other women and you can't expect other women to be like us. All you can do is love the woman you are with and encourage her to open up to you -- AND -- to share your own strange desires with her. You have no idea how cool it is for a guy to share with you things he's afraid to admit to anyone else.
If you think you are deprived, you are only doing what every guy who watches porn is doing when they wnat their girl to do what they are watching... setting yourself up for dissatisfaction. That's the true problem with porn. You start to want what you see without regard to the relationship that it really takes to get to this level in real life. It becomes an entitlement.
I also worry about my daughters and the pressure that will be put on them when they aren't ready.
If you men have daughters, think about them before you think about what you're not getting. Because trust me, some nasty, spoiled jerk of a 17 YO is thinking those things about her already.
I agree Dobo. We have 2 boys, and while my H has made a lot of stupid mistakes, parenting our boys has never been one of them. I hope that they grow up with the type of respect men SHOULD have for women. My H did not, so it's been a hell of a learning process for him. He says thats prolly why his past relationships failed, and ours perseveres: I am strong enough to stand up to him and call him on his BS, and I guess thats given him enough courage to become the man he always wanted to be...finally.
Okie, I agree with Dobo about a man willing to share what he desires with his woman, no matter how odd he may think they are. I love the "oddness" that dwells inside my H's head. It's my own personal playground. =)