hubby

I should just leave well enough alone and be patient with the process, but that is just not me.

I am trying to figure out what makes my wife tick sexually. She says she is a sexual person and enjoys making me happy. She knows sex is very important for me and makes sure that I get what I need. I am very grateful for that. But she just does not get the same thing out of sex. She says she just does not have the drive I do, I understand that could be the case.

Sex with us is very plain vanilla. Always missionary, in the closet (for whatever reason it is always with the kids awake in the next room).
She is too tired after the kids go to bed.
We don't sleep together. She sleeps on the couch because it is "too hot" in our bedroom.
I have made plenty of suggestions for something different but she rarely tries.

I had the idea to ask her to tell me what the first thing that comes to her mind when I said a word. She had to tell me quickly within a second of me saying the word. The word was "sexy." She gave me a blank stare for 5 or so seconds and said she was not thinking of anything. Then she said she thought of me. I think it was a cop out. I called her on it and she just got defensive.

Then I asked her what she thought was sexy. She said she could not think of anything right then. We talked some more and she gave a few examples of personality traits that she thought were sexy, confidence, good listening, patience.

Then I asked what sexual scenarios she found sexy. She again got defensive and wanted to drop the subject. She said when she thinks of one she would tell me. Then I asked her to at least tell me a scene from one of her stories that she reads that she finds sexy. She said that while the scenarios in the books may sexually arouse her, they are not something she would want to do. Most of the stories are about couples meeting for the first time, the intense passion, love and sex that they have. She said it is the "newness" and "freshness" of the relationship that is sexy. She says that just goes away with familiarity and happens with every couple. I told her that I am ready to get that newness back and will do anything to get it.

She says she gets all the sexual fulfillment she needs from me. However, she is never that really into it from what I can tell and she has never had an orgasm with me.

What kills me is that I see her posts online reviewing the stories. Things like:

I wish Edward would come down to here and take care of me like that.
That chapter got me so hot and bothered.
That was HOT HOT HOT

These stories have some pretty graphic and kinky things going on. She does not know that I have seen her reviews. I just can't reconcile her enjoying these stories so much, spending countless hours reading literally hundreds of stories, yet sex is somewhat of a chore for her. She only does it because she loves me and knows it is important to me.

Is it too much to ask that I want to elicit the same excitement she gets from these stories. I know there is a fantasy aspect to it. But I have asked her what her fantasies are and she said she does not have any. I know if something turns me on that I see or read, I would LOVE to do it with my wife.

Am I totally off base here?

crazyanimal

It sounds to me like she is a bit shy and maybe doesnt want you knowing her sexual fantasies or what she thinks. If she gives you lots of attention and fulfills your needs, maybe she feels she isn't getting enough for herself so she would like to at least keep her thoughts to herself and have something that noone else knows or feels she has to give up.

If she has no extreme desire for sex, then maybe you questioning her about her thoughts and ideas is making her feel like your asking for sex. She could be avoiding the subject cause she isn't in the mood or anything right now.

hubby

Atholk, that is a very interesting site. I will have to read up on it on my spare time.

I was actually hinting around this with my wife. I was telling her that I feel that I am not able to give her what she really wants because of the restrictions she has verbally placed on our actions. I told her that all I needed was a little clue and I could make the switch. I told her that I would love to take control in the bedroom. She gave me a very strange, almost intrigued look. She went on to say something to the effect that I just want to make sure I feel safe with you. I said that she should totally feel safe with me and that I trust her to let me know if I was every truly hurting her. We sort of left it at that.

Also, she did open up a little more after she relaxed and took a bath. She said what excites her about the stories is the "forbidden fruit." Taking what you can't have. Star crossed lovers. Romeo and Juliet. The teacher taking the student. The bad boy/a**hole who is originally a jerk to the girl but ends up changing and being passionately in love with her, but the sex is really intense due to the inner bad boy. Strange love. The newness of a passionate relationship. The intense love/hate where you almost can’t stand the guy but you are so attracted that you can’t stop thinking about him. I see a pattern here.

However, then she says that this is why she feels that this is what gets her going in her stories but she does not really want that in real life. She does not want me to be an a**hole to her. She would never have sex with her teacher.

Uggg, so complicated....

sarah.rslp

I've never like the term vanilla, it allows people that practice sex in a paticular way to look down their nose at people that don't. If your wife doesn't fancy moving your sex life in strange and new directions that should be the end of it.

__________________
http://shotinanger.blogspot.com/

hubby

Really?

themrs

Sex is a very delicate subject with a lot of women. It's something we spend our whole lives trying to supress and downplay because of the stigma that comes with an over-sexual woman. Because of this, many women never really explore what turns them on. What I'm saying is your wife may not know.

Has she ever masturbated? I never even thought about it until I was well into college. And to this day, I still have a hard time figuring out what turns me on. It's trial and error. Sometimes what turns me on in my head, does nothing for me physically.

All I'm saying is take it slow with her. Don't overwhelm her with questions that she probably doesn't even know herself. If I were you I'd get a baby sitter and spend the day in bed. Buy a fan so she has no excuse.

hubby

She has masturbated but not very often. She only recently purchased some toys. She says it takes her a long time even with them and that sometimes it is not worth the time/effort. She does not orgasm with me, and it is hard to get there with the toys, but she does. She will not use them in front of me, to embarrased.


Totally agree. I think once we get the kids out of the picture and add a little alcohol, the tiger will come out and play. We have our first overnight date planned in a few weeks. Last one was before the kids were born 7 years ago. Going out of town for two days.

themrs

Good luck!

hubby

Thanks. I just remembered what my wife said when she finally gave me her initial thoughts that came up when I said the word "sexy." It was being a protector. She loves it when I get jealous or see another guy looking at her and make rude comments about kicking his a**. She loves it when I call her "mine," and that no one will ever have her. It is totally in line with her obsession with the over possessive vampire Edward Cullen.

I am trying to play this up more and more. Just hard to translate into the bedroom.

themrs

I don't think it will be that difficult once you get going. Your wife sounds very much like me. I LOVE when my husband protects me and makes me feel secure. I also like it when he is controlling in bed which goes along the same lines.

hubby

So how to ease into me taking control in bed...hmmm...
Posted via Mobile Device

okeydokie

thank you for your honesty

MarkTwain

In a word, yes!
Please read your own words above one more time, before reading on. The secret is within them.

OK, here goes.

This is a typical male/female situation.

The way it is normally told is that "my wife says she NEVER fantasises".

This is of course a lie. It's a lie on two counts:

1)It's a lie becuase all people fantasise about everything. But we don't call it fantasy. We call it mentally rehersing or we call it premeditation, or daydreaming. Suppose I say to myself - "when I get paid at the end of the month, I can put down a deposit on that motorbike". What am I doing. I'm living not in the present but in a fantasy world of what it will be like when I get that motorbike. So I'll be nursing a fantasy form time to time whenever it pop into my head, and over the weeks I will add and subtract bits to keep it fresh.

In the same way, if your wife fancies George Clooney, or Brad Pit, she is even if only fleetingly, involved in fantasy. Or if she anticipates sex (and she does sometimes, believe me) she is actually thinking of what will come later. It may just be a taste of the "mood", or it could be very detailed genital stuf, and anything in between.

All of the above comes under the heading of unconscious or automatic fantasy. The man dreaming of a motorbike does not necessarily label what he is doing as fantasising. But whenever you think in detail about something which you are not actually doing at that time, it's fantasising.

2)It's a lie because almost everybody takes time to deliberately fantasise. Your wife is an obvious example.

OK, so why the dichotomy? Why isn't she doing all the kinky stuff with you, why is she using the kids as a shield?

Simple. Most women have two things going on, that you simply have to take into account.

1) Society is always telling them that good girls are like the virgin Mary. Girls who want sex all the time are called names beginning with S... Do you think your wife wants that label? Now some women don't care too much about this first aspect. As long as you don't bragg about all your exploits down at the golf club, they are happy to get up to all sorts of things behind closed doors. However, the good girls don't do that syndrome is always there to some degree until the woman makes a concious decision to jettison it once and for all. My wife has done this, and the result is beyond belief.

2) Even if the "good girl" sysndrome is not in play, their is another aspect which every woman and many man have going on that takes a lot of skill on the part of a partner in order to side-step it. The problem is in the area of trust and intimacy. Women just don't want to put all their cards on the table. They will tell a new BF things, that once married they will deny. Why? Because marriage creates a forced intimacy which makes them uncomfortable. Knowledge is power. They don't want anyone having power over them. This feeling is so strong with some women that they will deny themselves a fulfilling sex life, in order to keep the intimacy levels tolerable.

So what to do?

DO NOT ask her what her fantasies are. If you want hot sex with your wife, you have to use stealth. You need to do two things.

1) Work on becoming the hottest man she could dream off. This always includes having confidence and humour in all the right measures.

2) Don't ask about her fantasies, probe them. You do this in two ways. Firstly, keep your eyes and ears open. Women love to give clues. They are hoping you will pick up on them. She is reading hot romances. Read some, and realise that the stuff that she is reading about over and over again is exactly what turns her on. So basically she is lying to you. Do you know any woman that would buy a brand of chocolate she hates and eat it over and over again? No, of course not. Same with her books and online reading.

read all of martino's early threads, they cover exactly this subject of the steamy novels his wife was reading.

Now, on top of taking note of all this, there is a second thing you can do, but only if you can do it with confidence. This was taught to me by another guy... He calls it SONAR.

If you want me to elaborate, I will.

__________________
MT
See me on: www.marriagesatsang.com

themrs

No problem. It is something I struggle with in my own marriage. For years all I heard from my parents and society as a whole is that if I am too interested in sex that I will be seen as a *****, ****, etc. So I just let the man take the lead in my relationships always "rationing out" sex. I'll let him kiss me today, but I'm not going to let him in my pants until next week. I'll let him put his hands down my pants today, but I'll wait until I let him see me naked. . . and so on and so forth. I could never just throw caution to the wind and do it even if I wanted to on the first night because he'd lose respect for me.

Fast forward to being married - it's hard to just let go. I trained myself so well that now I can't let go even now. I still have reservations and insecurities about how my husband will view me. In the back of my mind I know he'd be happy for me to let loose sexually, but something inside me is insecure and my gaurd is still up sexually.

hubby

Come on Mark, guys are not supposed to tease. I will bite, tell me about SONAR.