No sex life for 6 years... I need help!
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-15-2013, 02:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Hi all,

I appreciate that I am far from alone in this and I'm not expecting a forum to dramatically improve my sex life (would be nice though) but hopefully reading some of your thoughts might help.

So anyway, I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 6. Sex was never an issue until we got married.

I don't know if it's relevant but her grandfather passed away in the early hours of our wedding day. I was told by the father-in-law on the morning of the wedding and tasked with keeping it from my new wife until the next day when I had to sit her down and give her the bad news (one of the hardest things I've ever had to do BTW).

So, before marriage we were having sex at least once every 2 weeks which wasn't as much as I would have liked but was enough to keep me happy. After the marriage it took about 6 months before the wedding was consummated and since then I think we've had intercourse 4 or 5 times in 6 years (no I haven't missed any zeros off the numbers!).

At this point, although embarrassing, I have to be fair and point out that I am prone to suffer from nervous ED. My wife always said this wasn't a problem but did later admit that it did make sex a bit of a chore (nice!). Anyway, I have seen the doctor and he suggested counselling, which ended up being more about my marriage than me so my wife attend a few sessions.

Following some suggestions from the counsellor, I thought for a while that things may improve but, no.

I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".

We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.

Phew, that was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be, sorry

Anyway, I guess I need help with knowing how to talk to my wife about this and get her to open up and tell me what she wants. It seems crazy but after 8 years I still don't know exactly what she would like from sex.

Please help and feel free to ask questions coz I know I don't make much sense at the best of times.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 06-15-2013, 03:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Welcome onboard friend!

I recently got away from a similar relationship. I, like you, thought the whole time that the problem is on my end and tried a million things to fix it. But ultimately, my GF had the same attitude as your wife here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numptee View Post
I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".
Your wife doesn't see a problem (or she sees it and doesn't care) and won't cooperate with you to try and solve it.

You can go to doctors, counselors, blame yourself, try to move earth and heaven, but since your wife has this attitude you will never solve it.

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Originally Posted by Numptee View Post
We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.
This is the reason I didn't break up with my GF earlier. I loved her, but eventually I started resenting her more and more each passing day. I was feeling hurt by her unwillingness to admit the problem and at LEAST put a little effort at fixing it.

My love turned to hate and here I am, wishing I had the balls back then to pull the plug two years ago.
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Old 06-15-2013, 05:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

One thing is to not do something she wants, perhaps there will be a conflict, and then start discussing the sex issue.
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Old 06-15-2013, 05:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Thanks for your reply RFguy.

I agree with a lot of what you have to say but foolishly or not I would rather fix the sex life than leave my wife. Every other part of our marriage is really good, it's just missing the sex.

I feel like I need to get her to open up or something.
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Old 06-15-2013, 05:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Thanks Bobby5000.

I think I know what you mean but if I do then I have to say that I've already tried that.

To be honest, I've tried most things I can think of with no luck but keep hanging in there hoping that one day I will get through to her or that she'll open up to me with any problems/issues she has.
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Old 06-15-2013, 06:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Have you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" .... from your posts it might be helpfully if you did. You see most women say they want Mr. Sensitive but in reality he gets taken for granted and unappreciated.
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Old 06-15-2013, 06:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

The other book that is highly recommended on here is "The Married Mans Sex Life".
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Old 06-15-2013, 08:42 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Of course she doesn't want to talk about it... here's even better news unless you talk to her she doesn't even think about it.

Its a dynamics issue that she feels entitled to withhold what you want of her to fell connected to her via sex.

So. Either fix the dynamics and then hold her accountable or accept that you will remain stuck in a sexless marriage.

The books mentioned can help you think about your stance around her... in reality though its simple.

Become a better man
Find out what she resents in you
Get her to admit there is an issue that needs resolved in a timely fashion.
and HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE.

For me this was a nearly four year process as you are changing her mind about you over time.

No quick fix..just the correct one.
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Old 06-15-2013, 09:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
Of course she doesn't want to talk about it... here's even better news unless you talk to her she doesn't even think about it.

Its a dynamics issue that she feels entitled to withhold what you want of her to fell connected to her via sex.

So. Either fix the dynamics and then hold her accountable or accept that you will remain stuck in a sexless marriage.

The books mentioned can help you think about your stance around her... in reality though its simple.

Become a better man
Find out what she resents in you
Get her to admit there is an issue that needs resolved in a timely fashion.
and HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE.

For me this was a nearly four year process as you are changing her mind about you over time.

No quick fix..just the correct one.
So the plan is still working?
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Old 06-15-2013, 09:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

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So the plan is still working?
That is not the topic of this thread.
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Old 06-15-2013, 09:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
That is not the topic of this thread.
For someone who doesn't want to roll up on a 6 year sexless hiatus, it may be very well revelant.
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Old 06-15-2013, 09:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by treyvion View Post
For someone who doesn't want to roll up on a 6 year sexless hiatus, it may be very well revelant.
I wouldn't post advice that I didn't have some first hand knowledge of the positive effects on a sexless marriage having come from one myself.
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Old 06-15-2013, 06:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Numptee View Post
I have tried to get my wife to talk about this on so many occasions but she get's really defensive/angry and always says the same thing "I don't like talking about this!".

We really love each other and I'm sure if the love wasn't so strong that I would have walked away a long time ago.
If she really loves you so much, why would she continue to refuse to talk about a subject that is so important to you? Would you similarly refuse to talk to her about something so important?

Sounds like all the love is on one side, not "each other".

According to your own description, you have only had sex on average ONCE per year. That's it. She is not a wife. She is a roommate.

Look, you may love your brother or sister too, but that doesn't mean you should be married to them. You and your wife can continue to love each other - from a distance. Divorce can be amicable; it's not a requirement that divorcing couples hate each other.

You don't have a marriage right now anyway. I strongly suggest you give her three options:

1. Discuss the problem with you, or
2. Discuss the problem together with a MC, or
3. Separate

What have you got to lose?
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Old 06-15-2013, 08:04 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

she has got to listen to you and not shut you out and if that means that she won't take you seriously or talk about unless you are in counseling, then that is what you need to do. Sex once a year and you're just good friends. maybe even great friends but sex is what separate friends from lovers. do not have kids with her until this issue is straightened out, because, like the other poster said, your deep love for her will start changing with your resentment.
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Old 06-16-2013, 01:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex life for 6 years... I need help!

Thanks all for your replies.

I have already been divorced once from another sexless marriage where the love was all one sided. For this reason, I'm 99% confident this is not the same thing and that she loves me.

She's really very shy when it comes to sex. It's not something she can talk about without feeling really uncomfortable.

I don't know!

Thanks again. I'm going to have a look at the books referenced above
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