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-   -   Am I uptight?is it normal? (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/88769-am-i-uptight-normal.html)

MrsDraper 06-16-2013 08:39 PM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe (Post 2591369)
Your post reads like it was written from the sexless handbook. Like you're trying to come off as naive but somehow hitting all the hot button issues.

Because it's a troll.

Red2 06-16-2013 09:20 PM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepgirl29 (Post 2594409)
Because it's a troll.

:confused: Are you sure?

Theseus 06-16-2013 09:33 PM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepgirl29 (Post 2594409)
Because it's a troll.

I see no evidence of that. And I don't think it's appropriate to make that accusation unless you can state some reasons why you think she is a troll.

Theseus 06-16-2013 10:20 PM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey21 (Post 2590345)
I realise it is not normal and thought something must be wrong with my hormones but my doctor just brushed it off as normal.

Actually, you are normal in the sense that there might not be anything wrong with you. There are different definitions of normal. You are certainly not statistically normal, since most women enjoy sex and don't see it as a "chore".

But if you don't enjoy sex, you don't enjoy it, and that is perfectly fine. It doesn't mean you are ill, or crazy, or anything else. You have no obligation to the world to be a sexpot if you don't want to.

HOWEVER, I think what rankles people here is that they don't understand why you would marry a man who does enjoy sex. Didn't you know that would cause problems? If you don't want to change, you either shouldn't have married, or you should have married another asexual person.

Quote:

Lately I have noticed that my husband does not even kiss me anymore and we have drifted apart. I want to fix the problem but I do not know how.
Not a big surprise. Certainly he's tired of living with someone who sees sex as a "chore" and is thinking of finding someone he is more compatible with. I hate to sound so negative, but the only real way to fix the problem is either to become more sexually compatible with him, or let him go to find happiness with someone else. If you stay with the status quo, I don't see any future for you two as a married couple.

SunnyT 06-16-2013 10:32 PM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Read "how-to" books about sex.

john117 06-16-2013 11:59 PM

Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Red2 (Post 2592193)
You are right. I apologize. I am just dumbfounded by OP's frank admission of her view of sex, that it is a chore for her. I wonder how many more women feel the same way about sex?

My wife?

john117 06-17-2013 12:01 AM

Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anon Pink (Post 2594233)
I honestly don't think there are nearly as many wives who are LD as wife who aren't enjoying sex and can't figure out how to fix it. Not that it is the husband's fault! I personally think more women hide their sexual hang ups than actually deal with them.

Can't figure out how to fix it or won't bother to take the time to fix it? Big difference.

Right on the money about hang-ups...

Honey21 06-17-2013 03:14 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Theseus (Post 2596225)
.

HOWEVER, I think what rankles people here is that they don't understand why you would marry a man who does enjoy sex. Didn't you know that would cause problems? If you don't want to change, you either shouldn't have married, or you should have married another asexual person.

Ok, maybe I should have cleared the fact that I was a virgin when I got into a relationship ( yes I was a virgin till I was 24) and after loosing my virginity, which was an uncomfortable experience, my doctor assured me that it was going to be better. I was not saving myself, but I just wanted to have the sexual experience when I was deeply in love and I could be sure about my partner.

The reality was that my standard by then had become so high that it was a dissapointment. I got married because I did not see anything wrong then, we were having sex every other day, and it was ok for me, like having a meal that you enjoy. It was not mind blowing and frankly sex for both of us, was not the first element of choosing a spouse, he is caring, kind and honest and loved me passionately and I loved him.

No one can deny that passion wears off by time and I had my daughter two years ago, so between work, household chores and taking care of my daughter, I assumed it was normal not to be willing to have sex all the time. We tried to experiment a little with positions and sex t oys when we first started going out, but I did not enjoy them so we stopped.

Honey21 06-17-2013 03:16 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepgirl29 (Post 2594409)
Because it's a troll.

It is hard enough for people like me to talk about their problem without judgement and silly accusations of people like you. I don have time for trolling on the internet, I am an educated person and I actually joined this forum because I thought it could help me.

Anon Pink 06-17-2013 06:16 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
And it can.

What did you think of the web sites?

Rags 06-17-2013 06:45 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Like most things, it gets better with practice. My wife a virgin on our wedding night, but despite that was greatly looking forward to sex. No, we weren't great at it the first (or second) time - not to say we didn't greatly enjoy it, but we weren't very good at it.

However we did it a lot, and it got better - and we keep doing it and it keeps getting better. But, even when we weren't that good at it, we still did it, because we love each other and this is one of the expressions of that love.

Most men need sex in a romantic relationship to feel connected and loved - and will become unhappy without it. Faking orgasm will not make him happy, if he finds out (and he probably will at some point - after which he'll wonder about every previous and subsequent time.) And it doesn't help you to enjoy it either. So, really, in the long term, it's a lose/lose situation. I advise you to stop doing it.

What I believe you should do is talk to him about what you do want - men aren't nearly a psychic as women seem to think. He may keep trying things because they seem to get somewhere - talk to him. show him, and while you're showing him, tell him what you're doing. Tell him what you like.

If, on the other hand, you really don't like sex ... well, that is a real problem (for your relationship.) There might be physical factors involved, in which a visit to the doctors might help.
However, it's more likely to be psychological. Have you thought about any underlying reasons why you don't like sex? Any incidents, or things you were told during your upbringing that might have lead you to wall off this normal, enjoyable part of being human?

btw, you don't have to orgasm every time, or even fake it - sometimes it's ok to enjoy the closeness and intimacy, and just enjoy the pleasant aspects with climaxing. Take the pressure of yourself, and just learn to enjoy the special bond that comes from being with him that way.

Women can enjoy sex at least as much as men (some would argue more - greater number of nerves, ability to stay aroused after orgasm to become multi-orgasmic, etc) - so it would seem that you're missing out on a lot of positive things for you and your husband, if you don't change the situation.

Good luck

Anon Pink 06-17-2013 07:42 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by john117 (Post 2597265)
Can't figure out how to fix it or won't bother to take the time to fix it? Big difference.

Right on the money about hang-ups...

A HUGE difference!

just like men try to avoid dealing with ED issues, pretending it is something else or avoiding sex altogether, women pretend their "lack of desire" is purely hormonal, or purely a result of his boorish behavior.

Men can't hide their sexual dysfunction as easily as a woman can. Sooner, they end up dealing with it in some form. Women can hide behind all sort of reasons and excuses, so it can go on for years and years and years....

If your sex life sucks, DEAL WITH IT! Don't excuse it, don't minimize it, don't rationalize it, don't hide it, don't blame it away... Deal With IT!!!

johnnycomelately 06-17-2013 07:43 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
You are sexually dysfunctional and therefore you are not fulfilling your marital obligations.

You need to get proper professional help. Forget the doctor who brushed you off and find someone who will take this seriously. Don't stop until you do because this is going to destroy your marriage.

FemBot 06-17-2013 07:43 AM

Re: Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
I agree with Anon Pink! I would also add that female sexuality is not like male sexuality. Boys are taught that sex is your birthright, women are taught that it's wrong and dirty. It's definitely changing thankfully but some women have a long way to go.

Touching a clitoris when you are not in the mood and not aroused is not fun. The brain is the biggest sex organ. You need to be turned on to touch before touch can happen. I won't ask you about past sexual trauma or shame but it's something you should look into. At the very least you should crave touch from your husband over reading a book.

When I was in a sexless marriage (my H's choice not mine BTW) I craved intimate touch even more than orgasms.

john117 06-17-2013 08:39 AM

Am I uptight?is it normal?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anon Pink (Post 2599089)
If your sex life sucks, DEAL WITH IT! Don't excuse it, don't minimize it, don't rationalize it, don't hide it, don't blame it away... Deal With IT!!!

Deal with it by changing the channel on DirecTV in case provocative material shows up on the tube... I was doing something in my office and all of a sudden hear some well timed moans and 70's "patent soft core pourn music" from the family room TV. Casually strolled by to catch some HBO skin-feat before Mrs. LD changed it. Sat down to channel surf to "Showgirls" at the topless dance audition scene. She Hurriedly changed the channel to "Madagascar 3".

Beyond funny :D


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