Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been married for 2.5 years. Right up front I'll share that I was a virgin until the age of 23 (my wedding night). Of course I found other ways to satisfy myself from the age of 13+.
I am and always have been (from day one) a giving lover. I get my wife to O pretty much every time we have sex by giving her oral first (or fingers if overgrown, sorry if TMI). After I get her there we do mostly missionary and finish with doggy (she sometimes gets another O that way). I finish every time of course, but just finishing doesn't seem very fulfilling to me. Heck, I enjoy it so little it hardly seems worth all the effort.
I like my wife's body, even though she went from 5'9" 125lbs to 5'9" 185 lbs. She caries it quite well and doesn't look fat. I kinda like the bigger bum and chest. The weight gain was between a month or two before the wedding to 6 months post-wedding. But again, I find her attractive, I love fondling her, and I often fantasize about her.
The problem is, while she enjoys sex with me IMMENSELY and often complains that she doesn't get it often enough, I don't especially enjoy it. I've maybe even come to think of it as kind of a chore to be done once a week (though sometimes 2-3). I don't get turned on randomly several times a week and absolutely MUST have sex like some guys...low libido? maybe.... though several years back I masturbated (to porn) as much as 3 times a day....of course that's 'quick and easy'. The wife feels that porn/M is tantamount to cheating, and after she found some sites on my computer when we were dating (feeling betrayed and unsure of the relationship), I stopped. She had been raped 2-3 times in her past so she has some issues stemming from that.
What does she do for me? As many as 4 times in our marriage she's vibed her self up and then let me have a quickie. Quick fun. Another 4-6 times she/we've purchased some lingerie and that tends to arouse me to the point that I want her despite the 'work'. I tell her profusely that she looks hot in them, we even have noticeably better sex than usual, but then to go into the closet never to be seen again, even on request. She's gone down on me maybe 5 times. Once to completion but only because she was drunk.
The way she puts is, she doesn't/can't/won't initiate. She thinks I should, and I have (chore), but I don't feel fulfilled because there's no foreplay on my end...I can complete an entire sexual experience while never feeling turned on or in the mood especially. If I woke up to her giving me a BJ, I'd want sex. If she came into the shower ready for fun, I'd want sex. If she put on her lingerie and acted the slightest bit seductive, I'd want sex. I could make a list (maybe I should, and give it to her?) but it comes down to, she Doesn't Want To Turn Me On, and that's the one thing I do want.
Remember the part about not having sex before marriage (I'd reconsider it now, religious beliefs be damned)? I honestly thought, based on the way she acted while we were engaged that she'd be quite the seductress, and she did seem to get a thrill out of trying to turn me on (maybe just cause it wasn't allowed).
Stop initiating for a while, and see if she tries anything. It may take time, and her efforts may be very subtle. Look at yourself. You are initiating out of duty. No wonder you're fed up.
But remember this. If and when she does initiate, DON NOT turn her down, or the sex might never start up again.
It is hard for some women to initiate sex. It's hard for me. I'm very self conscious about it. I would also perfer my husband intiate sex with me, but at this point I'm the one who does most of it.
I've found that when my husband intitiates more intimacy with me, I'm more likely to initiate sex with him. Like if he comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me how beautiful I look for no reason at all, I'm more likely to want to blow him at the end of the night.
My suggestion to you would be make love all day long by doing little things that show her you care about her. Then have a serious talk with her about how you want to feel desired by her and in order to feel that, you need her to pursue you. Maybe you all can come up with a way that she can intiate without being very direct at first, like a phrase she can say that you both know means she wants sex that night.
You want to feel that she wants you. It's natural for most people. That makes the sex hotter, IMO.
Talk to her about making love "fun" instead of orgasmic sex every now and then. Try intimate evenings where she plans or you plan (take turn if you need to) to get ready. Candles, lingerie, poetry book, movie, massage oil, whatever. But it's about making out and playing around--no pressure for orgasmic sex and techniques.
That may make her more comfortable with planning and initiating if she knows it's about some fun and pampering. Kinda like preparing for a DVD movie night.
Every now and then, the sex can be part of it but having adult intimate fun and relaxation--that may take the sex pressure off her so she will feel more comfy initiating?
[QUOTE=themrs;100410]I've found that when my husband intitiates more intimacy with me, I'm more likely to initiate sex with him. Like if he comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me how beautiful I look for no reason at all, I'm more likely to want to blow him at the end of the night.QUOTE]
I've found that when my husband intitiates more intimacy with me, I'm more likely to initiate sex with him. Like if he comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me how beautiful I look for no reason at all, I'm more likely to want to blow him at the end of the night.
I actually do that quite a lot, just randomly tell her how beautiful or pretty she looks, or just randomly run up and hug her and she's like 'whoa, what was that for', to which I reply 'cause I missed you' or 'cause I love you' (even though we've just been in seperate rooms for a while or something.
Even if she feels loved, she still doesn't want to do anything to fulfill my sexual needs (be sexy, do unselfish things, try to turn me on in any way)... I wish it were as easy as your experiences make it sound. I do appreciate the input though.
Also:
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
Stop initiating for a while, and see if she tries anything. It may take time, and her efforts may be very subtle. Look at yourself. You are initiating out of duty. No wonder you're fed up.
This has been tried (more out of coincidence and 'life getting in the way' than purposefully) for periods as long as 5-6 weeks, but she only complains.... One 'come hither' look or a hand down the pants, or head under the sheets when first waking up, or just simply being naked and striking a pose...
Lol, like I said, maybe I should see if I can pitch the idea of creating a list of fantasies I have of her and just add to it whenever I think of something, and just have her know where it is so if she wants to she can look at it. Maybe that would help.... Hopefully she doesn't come at me with 'you just want me to be your own personal porn star'.....the last time she did that it caught me so off guard with how negatively she said it I just reacted 'No, of course not', but now that I think about it, YES, that IS what I want, I want my wife to be the sexiest woman in the world, just for me!
This has been tried (more out of coincidence and 'life getting in the way' than purposefully) for periods as long as 5-6 weeks, but she only complains.... One 'come hither' look or a hand down the pants, or head under the sheets when first waking up, or just simply being naked and striking a pose...
Men miss loads of opportunities becuase they just don't exercise the subtlety and sensitivity required to be on the female's wavelength.
The items above in bold are your wife's way of initiating. But in her language, not yours. You can't expect it to be in your language. Very few marriages get to the point where each partner deliberately learns to speak in the other's language.
But as you know, in order to speak a language, you must first learn to listen to it. So if you can exercise the subtlety to hear what your wife is saying, you will find your communication gets better and better.
You need to repeat the experiment of stopping the initiation and allowing her to do, but this time, drink deeply of every signal she sends you. Watch her like a hawk. Being watched will turn her on if you do it in the right way. If you really want to speed up this process... don't masturbate while you are waiting. this will sharpen your sensitivity to her by making you extra horny. Don't ask me how I know
So what I am saying in a way is that 50% of this situation that you complain about is caused by you. And that is good news. Because if you're causing it, you can change it. If it were all down to your wife, you would be well and truly stumped.
'you just want me to be your own personal porn star'.....the last time she did that it caught me so off guard with how negatively she said it I just reacted 'No, of course not', but now that I think about it, YES, that IS what I want, I want my wife to be the sexiest woman in the world, just for me!
You missed a big opportunity here, to use the secret weapon that all women are defenceless against: HUMOUR and "good natured humourless flirting".
If you had said, "Honey you read my mind, that's exactly what I was looking for" in the right tone of voice, and then changed the subject to something neutral, it would have gotten her hot.
The right tone of voice would have been happy/cheeky/flirty.
If you had used sarcasm, anger or neediness - you would have simply revolted her - the total opposite of the mood you wanted to create
The items above in bold are your wife's way of initiating. But in her language, not yours. You can't expect it to be in your language.
I think I was a bit unclear.... the items you bolded are things I WISH SHE would do. That's not her way of initiating, that's how I wish she would initiate. Those are my wants.
The closest she comes is occasionally squeezing my bum and saying she likes it. That, perhaps, is her way of initiating. I think this is what you were alluding to? To me a hug or a playful grab is letting the other one know they are attractive, but I've never seen that as a turn on or anything. Again, perhaps this is what you were alluding to with regards to having different ways of initiating (just backwards from the way you understood it?)
The closest she comes is occasionally squeezing my bum and saying she likes it. That, perhaps, is her way of initiating. I think this is what you were alluding to? To me a hug or a playful grab is letting the other one know they are attractive, but I've never seen that as a turn on or anything. Again, perhaps this is what you were alluding to with regards to having different ways of initiating (just backwards from the way you understood it?)
Yes, you need to attune yourself to these very weak signals, and they will start to get stronger. It's all in the subtly. When she eventually feels comfortable, she will drop the need to be so gentle and coded, but that is a long way off.
Giving hubby but getting disinterested 
