Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 06-21-2013, 07:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

So let me start by saying I've been married and faithful to the same woman for almost 10 years now. We have 2 kids and I'm an IT professional making a good salary. I'm 30 years old.

Between my wife and I, I've always had a high sex drive. I was always the one initiating. I was always the one getting creative in the bedroom, reading sex books, using toys with her and pretty much making our experience enjoyable. I know when we are making out she enjoys it, I know she orgasms (at least twice during sex). I have been able to train myself to delay and synchronize until she orgasms.

Anyway for much of our marriage I would have sex and then in the next few days I would masturbate. So the nights we weren't having sex, I would masturbate. Recently I have decided not to masturbate, simply because I believe it takes away from our experience (makes my orgasm and motivation for sex less). At least I noticed this. The other problem with this, is I would sometimes default to just being a masturbatetor and not have sex with my wife for weeks (which I don't think is good).

Anyway I just would have sex with my wife and only my wife (not my hand)!!! This went on for about a few weeks until my wife said we can't have sex every night. I understood and we negotiated every other night. However sometimes she becomes tired or has issues with the children and we can't do it every other night. If possible I would work it out to be the next day afterwards, but she doesn't make an importance of this, sometimes she would try to get out of having sex all together!!!!!!!

It gets so ****ing frustrating that some nights I just leave the bed and run out of the house and leave. I would just sit in the McDonald parking lot and surf the internet and stay out of the house as much as possible. She then would come back to me the next few days after work and try to make up and say how she's sorry and that she felt bad, we would have "make-up-sex" afterwards.

She did it again, we had a camping trip this weekend with the kids this weekend. Thursday would the the last possible night we could have sex, she denied me. I got angry and ****ing left the house, stayed at the office.

I'm seriously considering either "opening the marriage" or asking her some sort of special permission. I'm even considering divorce. This is extremely important to me. When this happens I feel ****ed up the entire day. My mood is messed up and I think about sex the entire ****ing day......
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Trying to understand ... so you want to have an open marriage or divorce her because she doesn't want to have sex every other night?

Look, I understand you had an agreement but it sounds to me like she is being pressured to have sex so that you can get off. Do you feel she owe's you that?
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

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Trying to understand ... so you want to have an open marriage or divorce her because she doesn't want to have sex every other night?

Look, I understand you had an agreement but it sounds to me like she is being pressured to have sex so that you can get off. Do you feel she owe's you that?
This has been going on for several months now. It's not really the agreement per se. She tends to be sexually conservative. Meaning, she doesn't initiate, she doesn't try to try weird and kinky tings, she doesn't like talking about sex. I like to flirt and touch throughout the day (when I'm passing by) when I'm off for the day. What boils my blood is considering the number of years we've been married (10). I expect her to be a little bit more sexually comfortable.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

I think you should go back to masturbating.

She is not going to want to do it every night and eventually she is going to resent you for pressuring her and making her feel bad about it.

It sounds like she is trying but jeez even without kids most wives aren't going to want to do it every night. Even every other night might be a lot to ask if she happens to be stressed/tired etc.

I don't see how running out of the house and sitting in Mcdonalds is preferable to just rubbing one out and relaxing. Must make your wife feel bad when you leave like that.

My advice... sex one night, masturbate next night, then night off, then sex again. Or something like that. Seems like you are very HD so I'd think if you go one day without ejaculation you should be ready to go with the Mrs.

At any rate I don't think you're being very understanding to your wife, she is not going to do it on demand. Think you should stop leaving the house when she won't give you sex, probably hurts her feelings.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

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I think you should go back to masturbating.

She is not going to want to do it every night and eventually she is going to resent you for pressuring her and making her feel bad about it.

It sounds like she is trying but jeez even without kids most wives aren't going to want to do it every night. Even every other night might be a lot to ask if she happens to be stressed/tired etc.

I don't see how running out of the house and sitting in Mcdonalds is preferable to just rubbing one out and relaxing. Must make your wife feel bad when you leave like that.

My advice... sex one night, masturbate next night, then night off, then sex again. Or something like that. Seems like you are very HD so I'd think if you go one day without ejaculation you should be ready to go with the Mrs.

At any rate I don't think you're being very understanding to your wife, she is not going to do it on demand. Think you should stop leaving the house when she won't give you sex, probably hurts her feelings.
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She makes an excuse that it will harm me if I have sex every night (don't know where the hell this comes from). Anyway what is HD (home depot)...... I hate masturbating. I notice it takes away from the orgasm because you are in control (your hand). When you have sex with a person there has to be coordination and it makes the experience more enjoyable, so the orgasm is amazing!!!!
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

HD= high sex drive

Not arguing that sex with partner beats masturbation. I'd like threesomes with Playboy bunnies every night, but sometimes in real life you have to take what you can get. Masturbation is not the ideal but if it keeps you from running out the door to McDonalds...

It almost sounds like you stopped masturbating so sex with wife would be better, and are now punishing her for your own self-imposed frustration.
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Old 06-21-2013, 08:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

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HD= high sex drive

Not arguing that sex with partner beats masturbation. I'd like threesomes with Playboy bunnies every night, but sometimes in real life you have to take what you can get. Masturbation is not the ideal but if it keeps you from running out the door to McDonalds...

It almost sounds like you stopped masturbating so sex with wife would be better, and are now punishing her for your own self-imposed frustration.
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I feel when she doesn't have sex with me she is hurting me and causing pain, almost like she is taking some flesh away from my body. I feel almost like she is playing ****ing games. I'm young and have lots of life. I won't drop my drive to accommodate, hers.
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Mr. OP, strategically speaking, it is feasible to step backwards 3 steps to gain 9 steps forward. You want to have sex daily (which is amazing), your wife not so. See, this is a disparity. Your wife can't keep up with your drive. Please be understanding that not everybody is able to have your level of desire and sexual prowess.

Therefore, ask her what kind of frequency would be acceptable to her, what kind of frequency would be comfortable to her, and see if you could adapt. Obviously is she says once a month and you say once a day, then the drive mismatch between the two of you are too wide, and thus a compromise of, say, twice a week should be strived for. Negotiate.

Anyway, in my opinion, Quality is always better than quantity. Sex is always better when both partners wants to have sex, not pressured into it. Great sex twice a week is always better than bad sex daily.

I wish you good luck and have a nice weekend!
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Unfortunately, with this I don't compromise. When I want something, there is generally no negotiation. It is why I'm where I'm sitting today. Throughout our marriage there have been several situations where I've received advances from either her friends or others I've came in contact with. I will possibly decide to act on those now.

I'm a young Software Eng making over 120K a year. Working on getting my PmP for an even higher income (130K - 145K). I have rental property, I'm not overweight, I work out, I'm very capable (overhaul engines, transmissions, drywall, gardening, painting, HVAC, roofing, plumbing, flooring, kitchen cabinets). You don't buy a Ferrari to drive it only 20mph!!!!!

I feel unappreciated, and I feel I could spend my time with someone who values me enough to make comprise.
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

I would say leave your wife then, seems like you will never be satisfied unless she does exactly what you want. In all honesty she deserves someone who will take her feelings into account.
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Old 06-21-2013, 09:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

If lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, dont compromise.

It's one of the major marriage breakers along with money and infidelity.

If you feel slighted stick to your guns. The suggestions you're getting are reasonable but wont work for you. You seem to need a HD partner. Changing your drive to match hers will end in disaster.
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Old 06-21-2013, 10:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

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If lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, dont compromise.

It's one of the major marriage breakers along with money and infidelity.

If you feel slighted stick to your guns. The suggestions you're getting are reasonable but wont work for you. You seem to need a HD partner. Changing your drive to match hers will end in disaster.
Changing my HD to match her's will probably end up in once a month when she actually wants it. Then I will **** like it's the last day on earth, making her orgasm 3 to 4 times. Then she will like it but have no motivation to do it again, until next month (if that even happens).......
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Old 06-21-2013, 10:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by sinnister View Post
If lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, dont compromise.

It's one of the major marriage breakers along with money and infidelity.

If you feel slighted stick to your guns. The suggestions you're getting are reasonable but wont work for you. You seem to need a HD partner. Changing your drive to match hers will end in disaster.
yes, this sounds reasonable!
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Old 06-21-2013, 10:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Right but there is also such a thing as compromise in marriage. It's one thing to meet a HD woman, it's another to assume she will have sex with you daily because you demand it.
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Old 06-21-2013, 10:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not getting enough, getting frustrating :(

Maybe instead of leaving and wanting a divorce you can help with the kids so she's not that tired. I would be turned off by the in leaving becuase you denied attitude. Not sexy.
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