Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. We love each other and we really don't have many problems. We're blessed with two great kids, a 10 year old and a new 8 week old. I work, she stays home and takes care of the family. I always say her job is more important than mine. I love this woman dearly and we have a great thing.
Except in the bedroom.
Now I know that only 8 weeks after birth, she's probably not yet ready to have sex. That's fine with me. But in truth our sex life has been pretty stagnant for years and I think I know why.
When we met, I was by far the more aggressive one. She's submissive by nature and I take the lead in most things. But I've discovered over the years that in the bedroom I like to be the submissive one. She's submissive too. So we end up kind of hoping the other instigates sex. Neither one of us do, so we're not very romantic at all. In truth, there have been times that we've gone a month without doing it. I'd prefer a couple of times a week and I think she would to. It's just neither of us takes the lead. I've tried talking with this about her, but she tends to grow quiet or change the subject.
So, question #1:
1. What are some ways that two submissives can begin to instigate sex and not sit around hoping that the other takes the lead?
For example, I thought of buying a small decorative item. If I instigate sex one night, then I can put it on her dresser to let her know it's "her turn" to start things going next. Once she instigates things, she can put it back on my dresser. I haven't tried it yet and was wondering if someone had some good advice beyond that idea.
Should I even show her this post?
I found being submissive liberating in a way since I have to be strong and decisive in virtually every other area of my life. In fact, we've gone so far as to get her a strap-on because, well, I really enjoy it the two times I've managed to get her to use it. I wouldn't want anyone else, nor do I desire a guy or anything like that. I want her (and only her) and when I'm submissive, I get the vibe that she really wants me.
2. In line with the above issue, knowing that she's not all that comfortable being dominant, how can I get her to use the strap-on a bit more?
I'm not talking about even once a week. Once a month would be fine. Once every couple of months would be fine. I don't even mind taking turns being dominant and submissive. The last time she used it, I could tell she really got into it. But that was over a year ago. If I can get her to talk about it, she says she thinks it might hurt me or something. I don't think there are any religious hang-ups, since we have a number of toys we use on her occasionally.
Try playing high-stakes poker. You could both write down on cards what you like, so you could write "oral sex for Mike", and she could write "oral sex for Louise" (or whatever your actual names are). Then you can put whatever you like on your cards, including such entries as "anal sex, Louise receiving", or "anal sex, Louise uses strapon", and she can put whatever she wants on her cards. You should review what's on the cards in advance, just so there's no unpleasant surprises when one of you puts down something the other one is really against. (If Louise is absolutely against receiving anal sex, maybe you don't make one of those.)
ANYWAY, you get all the cards for stuff she wants, and she gets all the cards for stuff you want, and you both play strip poker. You each have to ante up a card of the other person's chosen activities before a hand, and then you play by indicating which articles of clothing you'll put into the pot. The winner gets the pot, so the loser removes the article(s) of clothing he/she has lost for that round, plus the card. (Once an item is removed it may not be put back on.)
When somebody is naked, the game is over, and you can each cash in your cards. So if she put "half hour massage", and you anted it, and she won it, then you have to give her a half-hour massage. And if you put "strap-on sex", and she anted it, and you won, then she has to do that.
Alternatively, you might have it that the first one naked loses all their sexual favor cards as a penalty for losing, and so the winner gets whatever is on the cards they're holding but the loser gets only what the winner chooses to offer.
I don't think initiating really has anything to do with dominant or submissive characteristics. I think you've simply fallen into a bad rutt where she probably believes that if you don't initiate, you don't really want it. Or, she believes that it is the man's job, which a lot of women believe.
As far as the strap-on is concerned, does she really understand how much you enjoy it? That's what gives me the drive to want to use it on my husband. I surprise him with it. And, I quite enjoy pleasing him that way because he enjoys it. I'm submissive myself but I don't think it has anything to do with it.
I'd like it if he were more dominant, but he's just not. And I have to accept it. He'd like it if I were more dominant. So we both have to do things to overcome our own submissiveness. We change ourselves for one another because we want to have a vibrant and exciting sex life.
The more one of us gives, the more the other is prone to give.
Regarding worrying about hurting you with the strap-on, I think that's valid. Remember, we have no tactile feedback. So my suggestion would be to get a softer dildo that she's more comfortable with.
I liked your idea about having "something" that you could use to trade on and off with. That's great creativity!
Remember the best submissive can also make the best dominant, so I would suggest you both pursue taking on more dominant rules.
Role playing can be excellent for that because it will get you out of your normal demeanor. For example, take turns with this, you could be a kidnapper, kidnapping his victim and "making" her do things, then to switch places, she could be a desperate housewife that "forces" her intentions on the unwitting "repairman". PLAY with ideas such as this so you can both add some new and unique ways to explore both sides of power exchange and who is going to instigate.