The spark is gone.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » The spark is gone.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-16-2009, 04:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy The spark is gone.

I'll start off by saying that I am pretty lucky and mostly very happy. My husband and I met about five years ago, and have been married for two and a half years. We've had our ups and downs, but all in all, we have a great relationship. We are best friends and, though it sounds cheesy, "soul mates". We can tell each other anything, truly be ourselves, and laugh with each other every day. We have a deep bond and love for each other. I would say that it's about as close to perfect as a man and woman can come.

Except for one thing. The only thing missing is the sex. We both have healthy sex drives. When we first got together, it was the hottest physical relationship I'd ever had, and it was for him, too. Shortly after getting married, however, the spark started dying for me. He says that he still feels the same way about me that he did when we met years ago. I just do not feel it, and I don't know that I ever will again.

Being physically intimate feels like a chore for me now, and it has for most of our marriage. In fact, I pretty much hate it. We still have sex (vaginal, oral, or whatever's on the menu) at least three times a week because that is the minimum that will keep him satisfied, and I want to make him happy. Every time, I have to psyche myself up to get through it. It is boring, predictable, and I am not attracted to him physically anymore. Just saying those words here brings tears to my eyes. It would be so much easier if I did not love him, but I do and very much. I feel like a horrible wife because I cannot get excited over him anymore. If I told him, it would absolutely crush him.

Over the weekend, we stayed in a hotel for an event we attended. Normally when we go away, we play around a lot with each other. This time, I could not even fake it. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in him. I actually snapped at him when he brought it up. He's noticing that I'm less and less interested, and all I can do is give him the standard "It's not you, it's me" routine.

We see an acupuncturist occasionally. He wants me to tell her next time to do something for my sex drive. The problem is NOT my sex drive. I want sex. I want sex all the time. The problem is that I do not want sex with him. I fantasize about other men (and women) constantly. When I'm home alone, I look at porn on the net and fantasize about what I could be doing. He knows I am bisexual and has offered to do a threesome with me. I don't want a threesome. I want him out of the bedroom. Harsh but true.

I really feel lost here. I don't want to end our marriage. We have a good thing, I love him, and I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, this sex problem is inevitably going to cause bigger issues for us. I just can't get hot over someone who feels more like a best friend/good roommate/brother than a lover. I look at him physically now and feel nothing sexual whatsoever. And no, he has not gained weight or changed in a bad way. In fact, he's probably in better shape than when we were first married.

I don't think I have it in me to cheat. Like I said, I don't want to hurt him. But I don't know what to do. I am 29 and, God willing, I have a long life ahead of me. I don't want it to be sexless. I am a passionate person who needs it. And I can't find it with my husband. I don't know how we can work on finding the passion again when I don't event want to look at his penis.

Well, thanks for listening.
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Old 11-16-2009, 04:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The spark is gone.

Has he let himself go?? In bed is he a giver or a taker?? These are big issues that tend to creep up.. Your atraction to him or lack of might be how you view your sexual experiences together. My thinking is your so bored at the same routine that you are not as attracted to him as you used to be.. You should't cheat and if you do really love him you owe it to your marriage to find out why the sex drive for him is down..
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Old 11-16-2009, 04:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The spark is gone.

I feel like im in your H's shoes in this situation. My H treats me very similar to the way you treat your H. He tells me its not me, that's its him. but you know what, i wish he'd just be honest with me. Im a big girl. if he's not attracted to me he shoudl just tell me so i can either deal with it in the marriage or move on. but it should be my decision.

Be HONEST with your H. stop feeding him that bs about it being you and you dont know what's wrong. that is not a sign that you love him. Tell your H that you fantasize about other men, that you watch porn in place of having sex with him, that you want him out of the bedroom, and that he's just a good friend. Then come to a conclusion about what will happen to the marriage TOGETHER.
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The spark is gone.

I see you have went about 7 months between posts, where in April you said you were not happy. What have you done in that time to work on things?

I look at porn too, and I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I will say that men get killed on here for replacing sex with thier wife with porn. Do you get lost in what you think you could be doing with other people? Maybe you can talk to your hubby about swinging. Not ideal for most people, but there are plenty of successful marriages who are swingers.

My advice to you is to look within and decide what you want to do. Do you want to work out a happier sex life with your hubby, or do you want to leave and explore your sexuality without him? You will never be truely happy unless you go one way or the other.
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Old 11-16-2009, 06:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The spark is gone.

This could very well be fixable. If you can answer some questions that would really help.

- Has he changed physically - gained weight, lost hair, etc?
- Were you initially attracted to his appearance or was it simply that his personality won you over in spite of him not being so easy on the eyes?
- Did the spark start to die either: when you moved in together or when you actually married?
- Is he too nice? And there are lots of ways he could be too nice - but lets just start with that general question first?
- Are you happy/satisfied with him as a provider? Has he done as well at work as you expected?
- Does being with him make you feel safe?
- Is he willing/able to stand up to you on important issues and assert himself successfully - without being a jerk?
- Are there any core personality traits that have gotten more annoying over time?
- Has he always made the effort to please you in bed?
- When you have suggested things/explained what feels good to you has he learned and remembered?
- Does he emotionally crowd you by:
saying "I love you" too much
wanting to spend more time with you then you do with him?
texting/emailing to you more then you do to him?


I might be able to help - my wife and I are the same - in year 21 together - except we are different in one respect. The sex isn't just great it is outstanding. And not just my view. She initiates routinely because she "wants to." So I have learned a lot about what turns a woman on and what is a turn off over the years. And the guys I know who have trouble in the bedroom often have some interesting personality similarities to one another. Some of the turn off - behavior can be changed if he works at it.







Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappywife View Post
I'll start off by saying that I am pretty lucky and mostly very happy. My husband and I met about five years ago, and have been married for two and a half years. We've had our ups and downs, but all in all, we have a great relationship. We are best friends and, though it sounds cheesy, "soul mates". We can tell each other anything, truly be ourselves, and laugh with each other every day. We have a deep bond and love for each other. I would say that it's about as close to perfect as a man and woman can come.

Except for one thing. The only thing missing is the sex. We both have healthy sex drives. When we first got together, it was the hottest physical relationship I'd ever had, and it was for him, too. Shortly after getting married, however, the spark started dying for me. He says that he still feels the same way about me that he did when we met years ago. I just do not feel it, and I don't know that I ever will again.

Being physically intimate feels like a chore for me now, and it has for most of our marriage. In fact, I pretty much hate it. We still have sex (vaginal, oral, or whatever's on the menu) at least three times a week because that is the minimum that will keep him satisfied, and I want to make him happy. Every time, I have to psyche myself up to get through it. It is boring, predictable, and I am not attracted to him physically anymore. Just saying those words here brings tears to my eyes. It would be so much easier if I did not love him, but I do and very much. I feel like a horrible wife because I cannot get excited over him anymore. If I told him, it would absolutely crush him.

Over the weekend, we stayed in a hotel for an event we attended. Normally when we go away, we play around a lot with each other. This time, I could not even fake it. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in him. I actually snapped at him when he brought it up. He's noticing that I'm less and less interested, and all I can do is give him the standard "It's not you, it's me" routine.

We see an acupuncturist occasionally. He wants me to tell her next time to do something for my sex drive. The problem is NOT my sex drive. I want sex. I want sex all the time. The problem is that I do not want sex with him. I fantasize about other men (and women) constantly. When I'm home alone, I look at porn on the net and fantasize about what I could be doing. He knows I am bisexual and has offered to do a threesome with me. I don't want a threesome. I want him out of the bedroom. Harsh but true.

I really feel lost here. I don't want to end our marriage. We have a good thing, I love him, and I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, this sex problem is inevitably going to cause bigger issues for us. I just can't get hot over someone who feels more like a best friend/good roommate/brother than a lover. I look at him physically now and feel nothing sexual whatsoever. And no, he has not gained weight or changed in a bad way. In fact, he's probably in better shape than when we were first married.

I don't think I have it in me to cheat. Like I said, I don't want to hurt him. But I don't know what to do. I am 29 and, God willing, I have a long life ahead of me. I don't want it to be sexless. I am a passionate person who needs it. And I can't find it with my husband. I don't know how we can work on finding the passion again when I don't event want to look at his penis.

Well, thanks for listening.
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The spark is gone.

MEM the bedroom is a bit more complicated then turning her on. My wife is very sexual but stress and pressure change her opportunities. She has a hard tom handling issues and problems when they arise. Which is mood killer. When we have sex its mind blowing for both. She can have 3-5 orgasams a night with me. As she told me today. She needed to get into the shower and couldn't do it until near when we had to go out. Yet when she was in there it made her feel better. It's like that for everything. For guys hell we could be dead tired and still muster up sex.. It's just how we are..
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