Atholk

Ok I'll bite. Give an example of someone channelling sexual energy into something else that actually works long term.

My experience is that most people denied their desired sexual expression can distract themselves for quite sometime doing something else, but their impulses eventually overwhelm them. Sometimes in ways that can be quite destructive to their overall personal life.

I mean we don't tell gay people to just channel their sexual energy into something else... this is the way their sex drive works. The OP has a very high sex drive and she's already been trying to supress it for six years and suddenly she's tempted by a real opportunity in front of her that would be easy to take. This is the potential point of failure where she can do something potentially quite destructive.

I'd worry about two bipolar people hooking up together. Thats gonna be a fun ride, but just bound to end badly. I believe your husband is very grounding to you and you need him deeply.

My general advice is work on sex with your husband. Don't do anything with the other man. Buy the best vibrator you can. It's expensive, but I'd suggest getting a Sybian

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

gmailgirl

Thanks for your advice. I do get orgasms by using the vibrator for clitoral simulation but it takes 10-15 minutes. My husband tries to perform cunnilingus which is good but I still can't orgasm. I agree with both committed1 and Atholk on their perspectives. I am from India and yoga is a big part of my life. I do all breathing exercises such as kapalbhati and other pranayams every morning for mental relaxation. I go to gym regularly to spend my energy, but it makes me more active and energetic. I cook a lot and throw big home cooked meals for friends and family which keeps me occupied with healthy lifestyle.

But doing all this feels more like running away from myself and my impulses. In India our parents kept us protected and unaware from sex and other sorts of pleasure in teen years and education was the biggest aim of life. But I guess I can't do that anymore. I have broken down and cried for many days for I know in the end family is the biggest thing. I am just hoping my sexual energy doesn't end up on being obsessed with some random guy and eventually self disaster. If you hear stories about bi-polar women here, they cannot control their urges and have multiple partners.

Would it help to have kids? My colleague has a boy and he spends a lot of time and energy with him, but still in the end he is frustrated and keeps looking out for other women. He also participates in many marathons to channelize his energy. I don't want to be like him running after men. I want to have a committed relationship and happy family. I guess I will do more yoga and meditation and channelize my energy into doing something positive for myself and for society.

Thanks all of you for hearing me out. It means a lot.

Mattie J

gmailgirl,

I appreciate and applaud your desire to remain faithful to your marriage vow. I think if your husband is loving and caring as you state that he is he will understand if you explain to him in a loving and respectful way that your physical needs are not being met. I'm sure he would like to learn from you what he can do to make your intimacy more satisfying, but you have to communicate this to him and hopefully he will take it the right way and apply what he learns from you. Bringing someone else into this relationship will most certainly be very damaging to you and your spouse. You're doing the right thing by honoring the marriage. There's nothing wrong with seeking the advice from strangers; we don't all have the right answers but you should be able to gleen from some of the responses a direction you should pursue. I'm sure your situation is very frustrating but it sounds like you have it under control for the moment. Exercise definitely helps; I know running for me takes some of the "fight" out of me so that I'm not always longing for intimacy from my wife, however I told her that I was unhappy with the frequency of our intimacy and it has drastically improved. In 2008 we were intimate a total of 27 times (I secretly kept track!). So far this year we have been intimate 50 times! Nearly twice as much! And I'm hopeful that in 2010 we will increase these by an additional 50%. We shall see...

I hope it all works out for you gmailgirl, your marriage deserves it and it sounds like you are a special person.

Tweak

It is enlightening to me to hear a lady talk about needing sex like this.I do not mean to make light of the OP's problem at all,quite the contrary.I as a man find or have found myself in this type of problem....Wanting sex.Even with masturbation it only takes the edge off,never curbing the desire for skin to skin contact.
I to am Bipolar and "sexual risk" I am starting to learn is a symptom of this illness.I never knew this,but looking back over my life I have been Bipolar since my early teens.I have done some crazy things,it was like a alternative personality was in me.
I find it amazing I do not have a list of women a mile long,I fought within myself to be a "good boy" but inside I was something else entirely.

I agree she should invest in a really good toy/dildo/vibrator.If for no other reason then to help her over the ruff spots of needing to stay true to her husband.

I also think a heart to heart talk with your husband is over due.
Tell him you NEED IT more often.Work on getting him to open up,his fantasies and needs and lusts.Tell him you need to be satisfied to,you are human to and just because your a lady does not mean you do not enjoy cumming.
See my post here ....Hope to spread the word about making your woman happy...

This post above is my self discovery.I knew before at a young age women could cum.I did not believe they truly enjoyed it,my limited experience with ladies and my wife's Fibromyalgia,the fact I was always initiating sex with my wife and society telling me women are prim and proper....led me to believe ladies just did not want to rip a guys clothes off and have sex.
I was wrong....women desire sex as much as men,they just are not as forth coming with it.

Maybe you and your man can learn the technique I have wrote about above.There is a wealth of information in that post.You can even use this technique to masturbate with as a ladies fingers are about 3 inches long,this is enough to hit the G-spot.

Good luck I will check in here later.

Commited1

[QUOTE=Atholk;106698]Ok I'll bite. Give an example of someone channelling sexual energy into something else that actually works long term.

gmailgirl

Thanks Mattie for your kind words, Tweak for the new technique- I would explore those with my husband.

The thing is I agree with both Atholk and Committed for their opinions. The sufferer only knows what the pain is like. To make it a bit clear, I have been following all the points committed is trying to make pretty much all my life - but there are certain times in life when one feels one can't do that anymore; in what hope that things would be different or my thirst would be quenched and I will feel satisfied. I have/had only one man in my life, and I feel a huge void in my desires. This problem is something that affects all aspects of one's life. When I was diagnosed BP II ; I was shocked to read about the people who have it- Thanks to my Indian cultural upbringing else I would have been a totally different person. The hyper-sexuality with BPII is clinically significant. One out of six people commit suicide (especially teens) as they cannot handle this enormous energy. Many become extremely creative and intellectuals, doctors, artists, writers and film makers and many end up in asylum. I have felt the stress being so strong on my mind that I feel I am actually going crazy. The resistance of a high sex drive person to a colleague's sex offer would be entirely different from a BPII person. For me to say NO to him was like mission to climb Mount Everest. He was and still shocked about my rejection; according to him a BPII person can never say NO to free sex. I am a energy manic and I very well know I don't want to be a sex manic/addict.

So just wanted to make some points clear- Thanks everyone for your feedback and help. I guess I will have to find my own way. Medication is still not the best remedy for this problem (many side effects like hair loss, weight gain, complete loss of sex drive, loss in creativity and energy and because its a change is brain it changes your personality).

Thanks again for your feedback- I really appreciate your time and advice.

psychocandy

gmailgirl,

Just wanted to add - good luck with the meds etc....

Tweak

Quote-"He was and still shocked about my rejection; according to him a BPII person can never say NO to free sex."

Thing is a he is a man saying this,a woman has other issues to think of and deals differently with these issues.Yes,you have a high sex drive as does this other guy,But women separate the emotional and physical aspects differently then men.Most guys can have sex with no emotional connections what so ever.Wham Bam
Women tend to lean more on the emotional aspect of it.Even with disorders like being Bipolar there are road blocks for you as a woman.Also note that if you were to go through with it and become sex buddies,these road blocks would become less then speed bumps.

Sven

I understand your pain. My wife told me that she had a healthy appetite for sex...but I found out after our wedding night that she didn't need sex again for a WEEK.

That's what masturbation is for.

mike1

This is a tough situation for you and I share some of your frustrations. It sounds like he's made some effort to get himself to last longer; is he not willing to continue trying? I hear the stop/start method is very effective over time. There are some threads here that talk about it. But I would think that if he continue to work on it he could last longer over time.

I am also sexually frustrated very often and could have sex every day (or multiple times a day) but usually get it once a week or so. So I undertstand what it's like to constantly feel like you're sexually frustrated! Masterbation helps but it's never quite the same...

I can feel your pain and you're stronger then I. I honestly don't know if I would have the will power to turn down an offer of no strings attached sex. I think it's wrong and a mistake for sure but that doesn't mean it's not tempting and doesn't seem like a good idea in so many ways. Sometimes I feel a little crazy myself and wonder what's wrong with me. There are times I'm so horny I literally feel intoxicated or like I'm drugged and very out of sorts. But it's those times that if I had a woman offering sex to me I would jump at the chance. One of the very good reasons why I don't put myself into situations where that's likely to happen (i.e. bars, clubs, parties without my wife, etc).

Some good sex toys would probably help a lot, some dildos and vibrators. Get a variety for some different experiences by yourself. Also, have you tried incorporating a vibrator into your sex play with hubby? How about spending some time on foreplay and get yourself a good headstart with a vibrator so that you're very close to orgasm before you actually have intercourse? Then you can finish with him inside you and if needed continue to use the vibrator while you have sex. My wife will use that from time to time and can have some explosive orgasms from having intercourse and the clitoral stimulation of the vibrator at the same time.

Commited1

Much of what you are saying is true for me as well, though I don't buy into diagnosis very much- for some people therapy helps, for others it just makes them 'functional' but suffering none the less. Two things for me- I had that creative explosion, my abstinence ended and I had managed to develop enough discipline to me merely polyamorous rather than just totally uncontrolled sexually compulsive. Then I met someone with the same drive as I have and we are monogamous but with an extremely intense and active sex life. Long term commitment to the goal of even libido management then being lucky (and selective) enough to find someone with the same drive. I fear we are both sex addicts and this causes some problems of its own.

I want you to imagine a mate who could completely and totally satisfy you sexually, actually push you to your physical limit. For as good as that might seem, minus the libido management, there would also be serious problems (like I have with my wife at times). When we argue, the anger peaks, and we are both so turned on by the emotional intensity that we end up having some pretty crazy sex instead of talking through the problem in an open and honest discourse. It is possible to have so much sex with someone that it becomes the primary means of communication with that person. Sounds really weird, but it happens. And its not nearly as emotionally satisfying as actually just talking it out and resolving the issue as intellectual, emotional and spiritual partners. In fact, in this situation a certain amount of intimacy is lacking, the pure physicality becomes a barrier to it.

I am not sure how this would fit into the context of your spirituality but something that can help is tantric yoga, working towards tantric sexual yoga. It is a discipline, more of a spiritual discipline than a sexual discipline, but it can allow you to manage your sex drive without abstaining from sex. Likewise it can open a person sexually who does not have such a high sex drive, because the point in its self is not simply 'sex'.

You are so welcome. I would suggest again, researching tantra and seeing what you think.

gmailgirl

Thanks so much Mike and Committed - I will find more info about tantric yoga. One problem is my husband avoids talking about this subject at all as he feels uncomfortable and is sensitive. I have tried to persuade him politely to try various techniques, but he is in denial. It's been six years trying to convince him and I have literally given up. Well I hope it gets better in future. He is a really nice responsible and positive guy but very reserved as he is from an extremely conservative family where they never talk about sex. They think women should not be so open about sex. I too am from India but I think we are completely opposite mates that way.

Committed and other high sex drive people; Just want to make sure if you feel this way what I have written below-I have experienced all these things since teens. For sanity check is it my imagination that I am bipolar or it is factual-

[/I]Bipolar means extreme emotions - extreme passion -high energy - the way bipolar people enjoy music and art, they feel it to the nerves - need for speed is common- they cannot control emotions; have impulsive attitude, high anger, stress and unmanageable energy. They are extremely ambitious and think of imaginary achievements like being a prime-minister or a powerful person. They have tele-kinetic dreams in which they can fly , stop bullets and do anything. Manic (high energy and anger)attacks are very common especially in mornings. There are varying degrees to it - Bipolar 1 pretty much ends up in suicide or asylum unless they take medication such as lithium etc. BPII is milder but still a serious problem. We get attracted to opposite/ same sex very quickly. Crushes and obsessions are pretty common. One with BPII have to be very balanced and cautious about friends, family and anything that triggers stress. Sex calms them down as they release energy and stress, that's why they seek orgasm. Having sex 5-6 times everyday is common. It is not so much about romance but more so about intercourse to release energy and to feel relaxed, so having it with anyone is acceptable to them.

I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)- I would be a different person. I have kept my marriage going successfully for 6 years and teens into education. My brother has a higher libido than me thats why he prays a lot, not necessarily religious but into spiritual stuff to control his anger and energy. My dad knew it (not the diagnosis) so he brought us up in such a way. He was a scientist , a really smart one and into sprituality. My sis is also into social work and spiritual stuff. They all are extremely emotional and helpful people but there is another side to the personality which is crazy where they are capable of doing anything, so they control it. I am very spiritual too which helps a lot to have peace. People don't understand, only the sufferer knows the pain. That's why suicides are common. One of my bipolar female friend had 5-6 boyfriends at one time; and she tried to commit suicide many times. I judged her to be a bad person, but later she was diagnosed with BP. She is on medication now leading a healthy life. To be honest I have thought about dying but haven't tried to commit suicide.

I have been ignorant about all these aspects of my life, till my colleague offered me sex. I was shocked as I consider myself a homely, educated and decent woman. But he saw the signs. morning manic/anger energy attacks and crying spells etc. He leads a dual life. A decent husband at home and another side hunting other women at work and streets without any guilt. He expected the same from me. Then I went to the doc to get myself checked.

Life has revealed and opened my eyes to suffering of many people who have done crazy things and we judge them harshly without knowing what they are going through. Why do you think many women/ men choose to be prostitutes - Money is not the only reason. Violence is so common in homes and street.

Sorry if I sound strange but I am exploring this aspect of humanity. I hope with time and this knowledge I would be able to do something for the society. That is how I want to focus my energy; it is tough but I will keep fighting.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Nekko

Well, that huge need for sex of yours (sex drive) is purely mental in my opinion. Physically you're probably fine with masturbating even once a week. Go a bit deeper, there's something else that's bothering you.

Thing is, the more you want your husband to satisfy you...and the more you figure you can't have it...the more you'll want it. It will become from something you can live with just fine, something frustrating and then turn into an obsession.

Another thing about you is that you use sex to blow off steam (i can relate to this). Not getting it gets you even more frustrated and you don't get a release either. Find something else to blow off steam. You as a person are complex...not as simple as 'only sex for blowing off steam' 'only apples for dinner etc'. Every time you want/need sex, stop, find something relaxing to do and do it. Seriously. People have urges and needs, they aren't meant to supress them, but as a previous poster said, people can be happy with alternatives.

As mentioned before, something is missing for you, a good emotional connection with your husband, another way to loose the stress in your life...something...You not reaching and orgasm with your husband also probably frustrates you as hell (this is for a reason too, not just because of the release - maybe along the lines of - he's the man you chose and you can't believe you can't share that experience with him that makes you feel truly connected to him. If so, try figure out if you can ask him to hold you while you make yourself orgasm..just an idea).

Leave the frustration and start asking yourself questions...why this bothers you so much, how you could fix it etc. Another man isn't a solution. Say you did that...for two months...and then you stoped. What then? The problem will still be there. When you have a problem in your marriage you either fix it or leave...having a double life will bring you more misery than the lack of sex does now. Introspection never hurt anyone, it usually helps a lot actually.

Good luck to you.

__________________
- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

gmailgirl

Nekko you are absolutely right. It's not so much about sex - but the anxiety and energy that stresses me out, and I keep looking for a release, which my husband cannot provide. It's a mood disorder - where one feels depressed or too happy for no reason. The brain works that way so one feels stressed out. Between these ups and downs the creative imagination comes into play.

There is definitely an emotional connection with my husband; I love him a lot and vice versa but he cannot help me in that way. The funny thing is in the beginning of my marriage when I felt this way I kept thinking it will go away with time and I will feel better- and I have such a creative passionate career to look forward to, channelize this energy. But to my surprise it kept growing over time. At this point I feel I am carrying a volcano of emotions inside me.

I don't lust for other men, but I do want to feel relaxed. Observing my colleague, I don't think he was having a crush/attracted to me, he just assumed I know how it feels and we can help each other.

I do get random crushes on other men - sometimes so strong that can keep me occupied for months -day and night dreaming. I don't know what is bothering me anymore, other than I am not at peace. I have cried at work, gave crappy performance, changed jobs but peace isn't there. Only spirituality and faith helps me keep going. But in terms of love and money, I feel I am sufficient. May be doing social work around would help. or being a mother could suffice that void that I have been feeling for years.

Sometimes I think suppressing my desires for many years has led me to this point in life that nothing works. Thats how Eastern culture works - and I can see so many family members of mine who are so unhappy and frustrated in life as all they do is suppress themselves to keep the family going. In western culture at least they feel free to try new things to see what works for them and openly discuss sexual problems.

Commited1

Yes, please look into Tantra. It is saved me allot of grief and allowed me to better manage my drive. If you are both willing to commit to doing what it takes to make it work, it will work.

Do not self-diagnose. Do not think you are Bi-Polar. Even if a psychiatrist diagnosed you as Bi-Polar, the way in which you were informed of the condition would fit within the context of your treatment plan. Psychological diagnosis is incredibly tricky, even for the best psychiatrists, and really it is not an exact science by any means.

Without going into a diatribe, in this day and age most of us lack a really solid feeling of who we are, a solid sense of identity.
So people go to the diagnosis because it is 'scientific' and we are taught that science has all the answers. That is something you might want to discuss with you husband, even in a really general way. You'd be suprised how productive those kinds of conversations can be.

Ok, I fit allot of what you described above as BPII and I always have. Super high sex drive and energy and anger in the morning, orgasm releases stress, but I most certainly would not do it with 'just anybody'. I don't think I am Bi-polar and even if I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar I don't think I would put enough credibility into the term its self to allow it to affect my self-image.

There is your cultural identity kicking in. Good. You need to drink more from that well and less from the 'diagnosis' well.

There it is. Some of the best 'helpers' are those who have had serious issues and have been able to help themselves or at least manage their issues.

On a side I really really like the kinds of people you are describing as being in your family. They are multi-faceted, deep, interesting and self-controled. Thats the thing. A person with no real strong drive can easily excersize self-control because they are not controling much. You do not fear the bite of the dog who has no teeth. You do not always respect him though you may love him. There is no risk to patting his fur.

People who have a lion or wolf inside though, and are able to keep the beast from devouring their lives....these are the people I like the most. Intimacy with these these kinds of people is like learning how to pet their inner lion or lioness, to stroke her fur, to lie with her safely. To feel the warm beat of that dangerous heart, while also admiring the sharpness of the claws, the teeth, the fire in her eyes... That is romance and beauty! At least to me it is.

I do not know your religion but I highly recommend you embrace it as an individual and initiate/reinforce a personal connection with your diety.

Some people need medication to put that inner beast to sleep, or to keep it dull and lethargic. That doesn't make them bad people, as you've said, they do what they need to survive. Take my advice with a grain of salt again, but I don't think you need medication. If you do, you do and that is ok. I hate to see a blazing fire of passion be damped down to barely glowing embers, but it is far better than the fire being snuffed out altogether by suicide.

Your co-worker needs to get himself under control because his actions affect far more than himself personally.

I think you are on a personal journey through life and for some of us it is harder because the colors are richer, the lust is so much stronger, the joy is greater, and the pain is so much more biting and intense. I would encourage you to explore this new avenue that you have been opened to (I don't mean extramarital sex!), and to attempt to share this as much as you can with your husband. It doesn't have to be all about sex.

No apologies needed! In fact, I definitely appreciate that you have shared your unique and interesting perspective through the lens of your own situation. You have looked your own inner tigress in the eye and it left you a little shaken and also a little stimulated. You should encounter her more, get to know and build a relationship with her. Do not reject her or supress her, that is how she can gain control over you. Like I said, accept her and build that relationship. That relationship can lead to both her satisfaction, her managmanet, and your own greatly increases happiness and contenment with life.

Now maybe that sounds strange! In any case, good luck and bear in mind it is better to befriend and manage the beast than it is to rip out its teeth, pull out its claws and keep it in a constant drugged out stupor.

All the best to you and your family!