Please advice. I have been happily married for past 6 years except for sex part. Me and my husband met when we were students, he is a kind and affectionate man but has a very low libido. On the other hand I have an extremely high libido (sex 2 times a day) I have bipolar 2 and people with that are extremely hyper-sexual, outgoing, dynamic and ambitious. It is a genetic disorder as I can see that with my brother, sister and father too. However I am hardworking with successful career and a positive personality but sex is always on my mind. Divorce for sex doesn't seem right to me as I really love him and he loves me. I have been suppressing my desires for past six years. He has tried exercising and other methods to boost testosterone levels but it doesn't help.
My office colleague has similar problem, he has bipolar 2 and his wife has low libido. He asked me if we could help each other and keep our marriages working. He has a little boy and a wife whom he really loves.
Is this something that people do(?) and if anyone is experienced can they throw some light on how I can solve this problem. I am not at peace with this. I don't bother my husband too much as I know he is very sensitive and he can not satisfy me even if he tries. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how will I spend my life like that. Can someone give me a positive advice and not be judgmental?
It is good that you are open to discussing your sexual thoughts and feeling on forums like this, but the goal is to get you having this same conversation with your husband.
Be careful as to these thoughts of sex outside marriage, it is easy for one of your crushes to be on the wrong man, a man with a selfish heart and knowing if you are interested to take advantage of you. There is emotional attachments to sex on deep levels, and even men experience this but are prepared to dismiss it and move on if they are of low character and do not respect themselves. This will usually make the woman think something fundamentally wrong with herself and seek out often more emotionally destructive ways to reassure herself of her worth.
Be assured your husband is feeling the pressure to perform, and it is not uncommon for many good men of religious backgrounds to suppress their sexual urges thinking they are unclean, or even that he is doing you a favor by not thinking of you sexually. This is a good reason to be critical of aspects of any religion that denies the truth about human beings, that we are sexual creatures and our emotional happiness and sexual happiness flow from the same wellspring.
The honest truth is your husband needs to own up to his responsibility to take care of your needs. This is typically not going to happen in 5 minutes of traditional sex missionary style.
He needs to embrace your sexuality as a journey, to discover what it is that you respond to deeply, to investigate the oral clitoris ways to consistency produce an intense orgasm after 20 minutes or so at least once a day if you desire it, the finger on g-spot ways to stimulate multiple deep orgasms, sometimes this takes 15 minutes sometimes it is much sooner and these orgasms are not like clitoris since they can be had one after the other and you will not get "too sensitive" and need to stop. Even to simply massage your private areas with no expectation of orgasm will emotionally connect you to your husband, and him to you, in ways you would never expect.
The sexual relationship is a mirror and the foundation of a man and womans entire relationship, sexual fantasies show us what we are missing or needing in our whole relationships, and unfullfilled sexual needs rob us of our most vital and deepest communication with the one we love, need, and trust the most, communication that is deeper and older than even mere words and language humans have recently invented.
I wish you well.
Last edited by BigBadWolf; 12-02-2009 at 07:17 PM.
This is such an incredible advice. I am speechless.
Committed – Thank you so much; your each word is full of wisdom, positivism and encouragement. You have explained everything so well as if you know me personally. I sincerely appreciate the pointers you have given me. I will make my brother and sister also read this as they would also learn something special from your note. I think I have been looking for someone to guide me in such a way. I feel driven to change things in every aspect of my life. I will definitely try tantric yoga for both me and my husband to help our sex life.
BigBadwolf- Thanks for the insight into extra marital relationship. I somehow knew this in my heart that’s why I never pursued it; but I won’t deny that cheating did cross my mind. Your advice has made me sure that I would never go in that direction. I will make my husband realize that he has to help me. I think couple sex therapy should help, as he doesn’t take me too seriously; and doesn’t understand how I feel. You are right about the religious background- he does feel unclean about exploring sexuality which is hurting our relationship.
Thanks so much again- You guys are amazing!
Best wishes!
Committed – Thank you so much; your each word is full of wisdom, positivism and encouragement. You have explained everything so well as if you know me personally. I sincerely appreciate the pointers you have given me. I will make my brother and sister also read this as they would also learn something special from your note. I think I have been looking for someone to guide me in such a way. I feel driven to change things in every aspect of my life. I will definitely try tantric yoga for both me and my husband to help our sex life.
Why thank you. I think your situation resonates with me because I know so many people like you, they are my friends, my family, my wife- her inner beast simply drips with sensuality and a kind of intense emotionality that I cannot even describe but can't help but to feel pulse through every nerve in my body every time our eyes meet. There is a divine spark in the eyes of some people that other think of as an indication of madness (lol). I am drawn to that.
If you are interested in psychological articulation of your condition and the human condition in general, I would suggest (as I would to everyone!) Joseph Campbell and CG Jung (analytical psychology) instead of the kinds of stale, over-medicated, cut and paste behavior modification techniques that have been developed over the past 30 years, techniques which are far more oriented around the bottom line of the insurance companies (who pay the psychologists) than they are around the well being and actual psychological vigor of the individual under going treatment.
quote-"I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"
Western people have the same problems.Its not just Eastern people.
In fact alot of the techniques we as Western people embrace are from the ancient Eastern writings.India in particular is famous for these writings.
You are "horny" and "unfulfilled".
Ask yourself this question.If the roles were reversed with your husband.And he had sex and did not orgasm.Would he feel fulfilled?
Then gently ask him this question face to face.Tell him you chose to spend your life with him and him alone.Tell him you need him to help you achieve orgasm's.Sex is a two way street.
If you need to put it bluntly,some men NEED to be told bluntly.
Tell him you are unsatisfied,and need to Orgasm with him to be happy.
He is really the one at fault in my eyes.
A man has a obligation to fulfill his wife's sexual needs,if he does not the wife will be in no different a situation then the husband who does not get sex and cheats.He is causing resentment in you,almost forcing you on the Primal Animal level to look to other men to fulfill your needs.
Your flesh is telling you that you need skin to skin contact and pleasure,you spirit keeps you true to your husband in hopes he figures this out.
He needs to HEAR you when you tell him this,and UNDERSTAND what you say.Do not discuss this when you are fighting with him over something.People never hear what the spouse is saying/yelling in the middle of a fight.They need to have a sit down heart to heart talk.
I truly feel it is sinful for a man to ignore a woman's need for sexual release.It goes to show the social narrow minded thought that has plagued this world for ages.
Women need to cum,for emotional well being,just like a Man does.
If you do not,you are NOT in your right mind.Its almost like a different person lives inside you.A split personality so to speak.
I applaud the OP for not cheating,you avoided a bad train wreck.You and Husband need to talk and maybe some therapy for him to deal with his inhibitions with sex.He is married and has a responsibility to make you happy.
Wish you the best of luck,keep us informed how it goes.
My apologies for the statement
"I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"
I didn't mean to say Western people don't have similar problems. In fact I feel fortunate to be a part of the Western Civilization. I have learned so much and would continue to do so in such an intellectual and educated environment. I wish people in India could take this knowledge from here and we could have less religious problems and women could feel happier, satisfied and equal to men.
@gmailgirl-We are glad to have you in the western part of the world.
It is good to know people from all back grounds as it educates people and helps to let people understand we are all the same no matter what back grounds or physical differences may be present.
This old world has seen way to much resentment between nationalities.Its sad.
I always hope for a better future for not just my Kids but the whole of the world.
I was talking to my wife and told her your story.
She was upset for you.She said you need to talk to him.
I think that if you and your husband can start having quality sex in which you start being satisfied it would do loads to your mood,self esteem and emotional well being.
Walking around unsatisfied sexually leads to all kinds of resentment and even the possibility of cheating.You end up doing things that are out of character and not really you.Especially if you truly are Bipolar.You end up having so much sexual energy that it feels it will burst from you.
My apologies for the statement
I cannot cheat and lie. Thats why I am telling you if I were not from India (conservative family)"
I didn't mean to say Western people don't have same problems. In fact I feel fortunate to be a part of the Western Civilization. I have learned so much and would continue to do so in such an intellectual and educated environment. I wish people in India could take this knowledge from here and would have less religious riots and women would feel happier, satisfied and equal to men.
Thanks again all- I will keep you posted.
Personally, I don't think there is any need to apologize. Different cultures have different attitudes and tolerances concerning sex and what marriage means. India is more conservative in these areas than most of the western world, especially western europe. That is just a fact. This is coming from an American of northern european descent with absolutely no indian in his line.
Cultural heritage is an important part of a person identity and the make up of their personality. Do not be ashamed or hesitate to embrace yours or place some of the origins for your own conservatism in your heritage. It is a good thing.
sorry to hear this. I know you have already been told this, but he has to commit to making your marriage work and that means commiting to managing problems. This is a problem, and it looks like he is not really commited to working with you at managing it.
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Fair is totally relative term, imo. People do it allot. It is ok, imo, if it is consensual and both people do it.
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That is a really hard question. The easy answer (for me) is that I wouldn't have gotten seriously involved wiith a woman that didn't have a high drive to begin with. To try and answer your question (say maybe her drive completely dieed off)....
I hate to say this and maybe will change my mind after I put more thought into it but I would probably find sexual satisfation elsewhere. I would NOT allow anything to devolve into a romantic affair and would keep it as anonymous with the OW as possible.
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To ask once more: Does he understand how important this issue is to your marriage and that it is on the brink of collapse because of it? If he does not understand that, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms.
A few months ago I was neglecting my wife in terms of attention, time I spent with her, not wanting to talk and stuff. She ended up getting things from some man online that lives in another state and it developed into her having feelings for him. That is what brought me to this forum and is something we are both working on (she broke off contact with him, we are working and healing together and things sseem and feel pretty good).
IF she had told me that she would get what she needed from another man if I failed to be even willing to really commit to working on providing her with what she needed, I would have changed my tune 100% and would have gave her the attention and time she needs. We both really regret that I did not give the attention she needs and that she did not deal with that in a productive way.
Committed -I appreciate your response, and apologize for asking that question. If I knew about my high sex drive or had more insight I would have never made the mistake to marry my husband. It took me 2 years after marriage to realize that I have a huge problem. I kept channelizing my energy into my ambition the whole time and ignored my needs, which is now costing me big time. In spite of my career achievements I am unhappy and now unable to continue to perform well. I don't have any creative ideas in my work anymore. My brain is occupied with my body needs.
I think I should tell him about the office colleague - May be that would hurt him or make him realize that how serious I am. I think the problem is that if someone doesn't know or feel what HUNGER is like - then probably he would not be able to give in their best to fulfill the other person's needs in the same way. It’s biology.
Every time I try to talk to him about Tantric yoga - he makes fun that now you want me to turn into a tantric (the Indian baba). I told him I am not going to sleep with you if you don't try to work on that - but he laughs and hugs me to get away from that subject. He completely trusts me and takes me for granted that I would never do anything to hurt him or our marriage (which comes as a part of Indian tradition in marriage)
I have tried every way - I try to give him a nice erotic massage or BJ in morning or after bath he starts with I am not in the mood. I am pretty sure he is not involved with anyone else. He is just not a sexual person. I have been blind now it’s costing me. He thinks making good money and a luxurious and stable life is the most important thing. He gets over with 2 minute missionary sex once in a week during weekend just to get away with it, and not to give me a chance to say that he didn’t initiate sex.
Also is I am fully aware that I cannot get involved with any other male friend/colleague as it will destroy this marriage. I won't be able to handle the pressure of deceiving him and I have no control over my emotions.
I have a deity, I chant mantras to which helps.
Sometimes when I am with my friends and parties or groups I feel blood racing through my nerves - I feel so much energy/heat running through me -I have to literally chant mantras to control my behavior. It is a bit fitful; my favorite subject to talk revolves around sex. That sometimes gives an idea to other people that I am too open about sex. The reality is different. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to control my feelings anymore. Am I going crazy? Can I win this with will power? Is this the test of life for me? Is this experience motivating me to do something about these miseries of life? And contribute or help people to feel better?
And I just started reading "The analytical psychology" which is a great insight!
Buy toys and ask your husband to use them on you. Most men find it hard to resist joining in after a wife has her O. Knowing he satisfied you will increase his libido enormously.
Just make it part of your bedtime routine. You get an O every night, at your husband's hands, he can choose how but you get yours every night.
Good luck.
Any affair will be discovered sooner or later. Bad idea.
Why men want to have sex with women open about their sexuality but marry virgins?
Why do we have names like "S**T" or "W***E" etc. for women and wonder why can't I recall any for men?
Why men who marry so called "virgin" "traditional" "decent" "sober" women later realize in life they can't get enough?
Why for centuries in every culture/country women have to be dominated? Where did it begin? How can we balance/better it?
Why can't society accept that high sex drive or being sexual for men/women is biological/ brain chemicals and not from society, culture, traditions and why is it considered inappropriate or indecent?
Why sex is considered sin in so many cultures?
Why do people enjoy watching sexy women on TV and movies and pass judgment on them in real life? Is it because they are jealous that they can't have her or that they can't look like her?
Why do we have dragging sexless marriages?
Why can’t people understand that SEX is a huge part of marriage; and I guess that’s why we marry else we have friends right? Why can’t wives or husband understand that it is their duty no matter what to satisfy their partner needs if not with intercourse then with mouth? If it sounds so ugly then why marry find a room-mate?
Why can’t husband wife understand that cheating is always going to create distance between them and eventually emotional disaster?
Why can’t people understand marriage is going to be hard-work no matter how charming it seems especially with kids?
I was a virgin when I got married and I have a huge sex drive and I look and appear sexual no matter what I wear or hide. I have huge breast and slimmer body biologically. Men are attracted to me not because I invite them - it's how I appear to them- full of life and warmth. But why is it when my in-laws are here I have to be quiet and pretend to be someone else; someone who is considered traditional, decent and homely girl as per their liking. I am not showing off my cleavage or doing anything in-appropriate but still what I don't get is why people B*T*H about other (sexual) women and judge them so easily.
I want to make my in-laws happy but, am I not being dishonest about hiding who I am? Am I doing this to please them out of duty/traditions/respect or to avoid chaos at home?
Why talking about sex with your own children in an educated way is also a taboo- If they won't guide me then who will?
Why in my 6 year marriage this is the first time I am asking my husband to give me orgasm or atleast try to give me orgasm?The whole architecture of our marriage is sex ends when male has orgasm. I bet for many centuries or atleast in my immediate family women don't even know if they ever had orgasm. They all seem so stressed out and find happiness in shopping expensive jewelery.
I read books; and consider myself educated and have some intellect in my thoughts and profession but why is it that women in every society and culture have to prove their character and worth. Why can't I be accepted with what I am born with?
What is the truth? Does it even exist anymore? I am confused about what is the right thing to do?
Re: sex outside marriage
sorry to hear this. I know you have already been told this, but he has to commit to making your marriage work and that means commiting to managing problems. This is a problem, and it looks like he is not really commited to working with you at managing it. 
