I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds very, very familiar.
But I can tell you that I was once very much like your wife, and things have turned around completely for my husband and me.
A ray of hope - thank you.
Let me ask you two things:
1. Before things between your and your wife soured, how was the sex? What was her "style" in the bedroom, were you satisfied with your sex life, did she seem enthusiastic about both giving and receiving pleasure.
Traditional style and setting, but, unbridled passion. Something I had never experienced before. Something I have found interesting is that in nearly all cases, she needed to drink 2-3 glasses of wine to settle into mood. Sex without wine was not an option. That is not the case for me. I sometimes resent that she has to be a bit tipsy. She is a high type A and has trouble relaxing. I think her personality style has compounded the sexual aversion described above.
2. As far as you know, does she have sexual urges currently? Obviously she is not feeling desire for you, but does she masturbate, watch porn, read erotica, seem sensual at all in her own right?
She hides it well. Not sure if she masturbates (we sleep in separate rooms). Does not watch porn, says she hates reading erotica (although she has 50 shades of grey in bookcase next to bed). She watches every episode of bachelor and housewives....I suspect this does something for her. Thoughts?
If the two of you once had sexual chemistry, and if she still feels like a sexual being in her own right, I would say that, with willingness and work on her part, she could overcome the resentments that are causing her aversion to sex with you. I would recommend that she seek individual counseling.
She says she will consider individual MC....trying to gently push her - fine line here....
For ten years I struggled with not feeling desire for my husband because of problems we'd had in our marriage. (We are in our mid 40's, have been together for 24 years.) We did everything we could to repair our marriage, but although things between us got better, the sex never did.
Exactly where we are at.
I don't think you can help her fix this. If her attitude towards sex is, "he's getting what HE wants when we have sex, and I'm not," then things won't improve.
That is her attitude. And, yes, I sadly agree it wont change.
It can't be a power struggle with a winner and a loser, or the resentment will never fade.
If she can bring back the part of her that feels empowered when she willingly gives you pleasure, then she won't feel like you are taking something from her.
Does that make any sense? For a long time my husband and I had sex just two or three times a month, when I felt desire around ovulation. It was nearly impossible for me to feel desire if he initiated at any other time. I would rarely have sex with him on these occasions because it felt so awful. He could tell, and didn't want me to fake it or give him duty sex anyway.
But after I found this forum, I better understood what sex with me meant to my husband, and I actively sought to purge the last of my resentments. It was one of the best things I have ever done--for ME. I had forgotten how much I loved being a sexual being. I no longer feel like my husband is trying to take something from me. I so, so enjoy giving again.
I wish your wife could see that repairing her libido is something that she should do, not for you, but for herself. Resentments are bad for more than sex lives; they are bad for wellness of the heart and soul. You had a hand in planting those resentments, but only she can release them.
One of the most important things I realized was that just because I was the one with the damaged libido, it wasn't my "fault". My husband had a part to play in the demise of our intimacy; it's just that I was the one who ended up most changed, with the damaged libido and loss of my sexual self. I felt relief when I realized the root of the problem, and that I had the power to fix it ALL BY MYSELF. It's that power that I feel unleashed in the bedroom now. Very heady stuff.
Peace to you, and good luck.