Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My marriage has been troubled from the start. I'm in my mid-30s and my wife in her mid-20s; she is from Europe and I'm American. We were married about 1 1/2 years ago, and about six months later she came here to live with me in the US. She has a good job earning almost six figures, I'm in graduate school and thus not working at this time (will finish this summer). We've had some awful fights since she arrived in the US, but recently she started taking Prozac and things have markedly improved. The problem that remains and continues to threaten our marriage is sexual: she never really wants to have sex, and I want it all the time. When we first got together she never said no once, and I (naiively) assumed that was how it would always be. It wasn't a surprise to me that she didn't want it when we were fighting, but since things have gotten better our sex life hasn't changed much. Once or twice a week is more than enough for her; I don't feel happy or satisfied with that and wish for it to be at least 4 times a week. Often times I'll hint that I want to make love to her and she always wants me to wait until later in the evening. I can't count how many times I've waited only to have her tell me she's 'too tired'. This makes me frustrated and angry, and it's the cause of many a fight. In fact, it happened last night again and I'm really starting to feel that I won't be able to maintain this relationship. I love my wife, and I want to have a future with her. I don't want to cheat on her, but I feel like I'm the one being cheated. I had a very active sex life before her, none of my previous girlfriends had this problem. She thinks I'm the problem; yesterday she told me there something wrong with me and I need help. I'm not a pervert or a sex addict, I just want to feel what I used to feel with her. She's always 'tired', and when we do have sex I feel rushed and unsatisfied. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore, and when we fight we say the most awful things to each other. I don't know what to do, like I said I don't want to cheat on her but I find myself thinking about it all the time now. I think a man is entitled to have a satisfying sexual relationship with his wife, if he isn't then why be married? I changed my life for her, gave up the dreams I had and now am pursuing a course that is more of a compromise than anything else. Why doesn't she feel the desire to make me happy? I don't think I ask too much, I'm kind to her and go out of my way to let her know I love her. I'm confused and miserable.
first of all, you are not a pervert or sex addict because you ant to be intimate with your wife more. my guess is she is throwing that up as a defense because she knows she isnt meeting your needs, unfortunately, like many couples, one (she) is happy with the sex frequency and the other one (you) is not.
its has been my own experience that if you wait for her to meet you half or even part way, you will be dissappointed. i havent seen too many success stories in here where one spouse has increased the unusually low libido of the other without medicinal help or some change of life cycle.
My wife tells me that I'm always grouchy and angry, and that I've made sex like a chore or punishment for her. It's true that I'm frustrated with my sex life and that makes me very unhappy, but she invents excuses and claims I make her hate sex. I hate having to ask for it and being rejected or given false promises, and knowing that she doesn't want to be intimate with me. When we do have sex it's never really satisfying, she just wants to 'get it over with'. She thinks I'm oversexed and that something is wrong with me. It's true that I want sex often, but I don't see that as a dysfunction in any way. She's going to her home country for two weeks right after Christmas, and I think during that time she's going to make the decision as to whether she can stay with me or not. It's gotten so bad that I'm really willing to let it end, even though that's not what I want. I've put so much effort into this marriage, yet she never gives me credit for it. I've cut down on how much I drink and treat her much more softly than I did before; she acknowledges that but says I can't change for real. When we fight she tells me that she hates me, and that the sight/sound/smell of me disgusts her. I'm a clean person in decent condition (though I have put on a little weight since we got married). When she says things like that it hurts me so badly, and even though I know that's what she's trying to do at that moment I can't help but feel that's how she truly views me. I'm afraid to start over and I don't want to lose everything I've worked to make better...I thought our marriage was improving but it's just getting worse.
if i may be blunt, her comments lead me to believe she wants out, she is trying to make you hate her by saying those things. as somewhat simlar as my situation is to yours from the sex side of things, my wife has never said hateful things like that to me. i wouldnt put up with it
To be fair, I say horrible things to her too when we fight. I'm so fed up and frustrated, it's very easy to lose control and express my feelings in a destructive way. I do think she wants out, and I think I do too considering how bad my life feels now. The thing is, we've both stayed with this longer than we should have because of the situation. She stays because she doesn't want to leave her job and go back to her home country, where she will have a considerably worse life. She also doesn't want to disappoint her family, they are much more important to her than I am. I've stayed because I think about finishing school and that is somehow a hurdle I have to get over before I can bring myself to think about a divorce. I just don't know if I can take another six months of this, sometimes I wish she would just leave and not come back. I've never met a person who is so self-centered and ungrateful, I've sacrificed so much to try and make her happy and she's given nothing back. The sex problems are really the last straw, I never wanted to cheat on my wife but I find myself thinking about it often now. The thing is, she's made me feel worthless and unattractive, I can't really imagine another woman wanting me.