I'll skip the long & boring story just to say that I've been somewhat happily married for almost 21 years but have been dissatisfied with my sex life for nearly that entire time (quantity and quality have both been issues....but mostly quantity). I have tried to talk with my wife on a number of occasions during the last couple of decades but have always been rebuffed as somehow being childish for needing more sex. I would say that we have averaged approximately once per month over our marriage, with me initiating all but maybe 10 of those encounters ever. We have gone as long as 3 months on several occasions.
I am comfortable with the fact that it's not me. I base this both on what my wife tells me and the fact that I have had women pursue me from time to time during our marriage (I have never even thought about cheating...yet). I acknowledge that I have pushed many of the wrong buttons in trying to get my needs met, but I can assure that the effort has ALWAYS been there....and my effort is rooted in the fact that I'm trying like crazy to know what HER needs are so that I can meet them and, in turn, hopefully she will want to meet MY needs. She has not only slammed the door in my face on my efforts, but admitted that she is often put off by them because she knows that all I am really trying to do is get more sex.
Believe me there is much more to the story than this but I don't want to take the time to type it all out right now as I don't know if it's really material to the specific question(s) that I have. And my wife and I are scheduled to begin counseling in the next week (my call 100%) and there has been much improvement just since I told here that either we go to seek help together or I go alone.
My question is simply this: Is it reasonable to expect the following from my wife: I want to raise the frequency of sex/intimacy from 1x per month to 4-6x per month. And I want her to take partial ownership in this part of our relationship. Specifically, I think she should initiate at least once per month AND give me specific feedback/help/"coaching" on how I can do my part to see to it that we start living a normal & healthy sex life like we did when we were engaged. I feel sort of weird putting it into such specific terms but I'm as tired of the "Rubik's Cube" that is the female psyche as I am the lack of intimacy.
For what it's worth, we are both in our mid 40s (her 43 and me 44), both in good physical health & well educated and reasonably comfortable financially with what I would call a very peaceful, if unsatisfying (for me) marriage.
I don't have a solution for you, but can definitely feel your pain (unhappy with both frequency and lack of originality in routine). It sounds to me like you're doing the right things in trying to openly communicate, have you actually tried introducing new things when you do get it from her (positions, videos, toys, etc)? Counseling may help her open up in a different way, if couples therapy doesn't work maybe even suggest she go on her own as she may be more comfortable with that - the important thing is that she knows it's important to you. Best of luck, sorry I can't be of more help!
I am just astounded you have remained Faithful for this long with THAT little. You deserve more than what little you are asking in my opionion. My husband thought he was starving at once a week for 20 yrs. Another story there, but now we do it 4-6 times a week (we are in our 40's also), as my drive is now higher than his. This happens to some women in their late 30's, early 40's. Do you think maybe your wife is Sexually repressed at all ? I know I was for most of my marraige. Too much religion and thinking sex was "dirty", that was my problem, husband admitted to also feeling sexually repressed. It has been amazing since we have discovered what we have been missing. I hope counseling can sort all of this out for her -and you.
Would you described yourself as a disciplined and determined person? Do you have some courage? Those 3 attributes combined make this solvable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Longtime Husband
I'll skip the long & boring story just to say that I've been somewhat happily married for almost 21 years but have been dissatisfied with my sex life for nearly that entire time (quantity and quality have both been issues....but mostly quantity). I have tried to talk with my wife on a number of occasions during the last couple of decades but have always been rebuffed as somehow being childish for needing more sex. I would say that we have averaged approximately once per month over our marriage, with me initiating all but maybe 10 of those encounters ever. We have gone as long as 3 months on several occasions.
I am comfortable with the fact that it's not me. I base this both on what my wife tells me and the fact that I have had women pursue me from time to time during our marriage (I have never even thought about cheating...yet). I acknowledge that I have pushed many of the wrong buttons in trying to get my needs met, but I can assure that the effort has ALWAYS been there....and my effort is rooted in the fact that I'm trying like crazy to know what HER needs are so that I can meet them and, in turn, hopefully she will want to meet MY needs. She has not only slammed the door in my face on my efforts, but admitted that she is often put off by them because she knows that all I am really trying to do is get more sex.
Believe me there is much more to the story than this but I don't want to take the time to type it all out right now as I don't know if it's really material to the specific question(s) that I have. And my wife and I are scheduled to begin counseling in the next week (my call 100%) and there has been much improvement just since I told here that either we go to seek help together or I go alone.
My question is simply this: Is it reasonable to expect the following from my wife: I want to raise the frequency of sex/intimacy from 1x per month to 4-6x per month. And I want her to take partial ownership in this part of our relationship. Specifically, I think she should initiate at least once per month AND give me specific feedback/help/"coaching" on how I can do my part to see to it that we start living a normal & healthy sex life like we did when we were engaged. I feel sort of weird putting it into such specific terms but I'm as tired of the "Rubik's Cube" that is the female psyche as I am the lack of intimacy.
For what it's worth, we are both in our mid 40s (her 43 and me 44), both in good physical health & well educated and reasonably comfortable financially with what I would call a very peaceful, if unsatisfying (for me) marriage.
I'll skip the long & boring story just to say that I've been somewhat happily married for almost 21 years but have been dissatisfied with my sex life for nearly that entire time (quantity and quality have both been issues....but mostly quantity). I have tried to talk with my wife on a number of occasions during the last couple of decades but have always been rebuffed as somehow being childish for needing more sex. I would say that we have averaged approximately once per month over our marriage, with me initiating all but maybe 10 of those encounters ever. We have gone as long as 3 months on several occasions.
I am comfortable with the fact that it's not me. I base this both on what my wife tells me and the fact that I have had women pursue me from time to time during our marriage (I have never even thought about cheating...yet). I acknowledge that I have pushed many of the wrong buttons in trying to get my needs met, but I can assure that the effort has ALWAYS been there....and my effort is rooted in the fact that I'm trying like crazy to know what HER needs are so that I can meet them and, in turn, hopefully she will want to meet MY needs. She has not only slammed the door in my face on my efforts, but admitted that she is often put off by them because she knows that all I am really trying to do is get more sex.
Believe me there is much more to the story than this but I don't want to take the time to type it all out right now as I don't know if it's really material to the specific question(s) that I have. And my wife and I are scheduled to begin counseling in the next week (my call 100%) and there has been much improvement just since I told here that either we go to seek help together or I go alone.
My question is simply this: Is it reasonable to expect the following from my wife: I want to raise the frequency of sex/intimacy from 1x per month to 4-6x per month. And I want her to take partial ownership in this part of our relationship. Specifically, I think she should initiate at least once per month AND give me specific feedback/help/"coaching" on how I can do my part to see to it that we start living a normal & healthy sex life like we did when we were engaged. I feel sort of weird putting it into such specific terms but I'm as tired of the "Rubik's Cube" that is the female psyche as I am the lack of intimacy.
For what it's worth, we are both in our mid 40s (her 43 and me 44), both in good physical health & well educated and reasonably comfortable financially with what I would call a very peaceful, if unsatisfying (for me) marriage.
I appreciate your input, especially the ladies'
I am hoping the ladies will chime in, but even it is not always easy, for you like to compare the "Rubik's Cube" and waiting for a lady to make it easy that is contrary to feminine nature.
You are begging your wife for sex? That is not sexy to her and never will be. That is the truth.
These other women you have mentioned to pursue you? I do not even have to ask to know you have not begged them, yet what is the difference? There is the key to your wife and to spark her interest.
You are by far being too much "the nice guy" and that is the fast track to a sexless relationship. It is not the "nice guy" that a woman is sexually attracted to, but the dominant man. The man in control of himself and his world. To make your woman feel as if you are successful with or without her, and you are sometimes to do her a favor by even paying attention to her or consider sex with her, now, a woman will respond to that sexual challenge! If this is missing, even in subtle ways, regarding your intimate relations with your wife, then the spiral of resentment is at hand, which results in a wimpy man begging an insecure woman for sex. This is not sexually attractive for ether.
Listen to MEM11363 questions, that is most true to think about.
The goal is to take ownership for yourself of the entire sexual and emotional relationship. Sexual attraction is primal, a man being a man and a woman being a woman. A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. A woman will find a dominant man irrestibly sexual attractive, and will resent a weak man.
So know this is not "childish" for a man to need sex, but in a way it is "childish" for a man to beg a woman for it. That is not how your woman's psyche knows a man is to act!
I wish you well.
Last edited by BigBadWolf; 12-14-2009 at 09:22 PM.
I have to say that I dont think that asking the other spouse to initiate is quite fair. If you mean you want her to just push for sex that is. I dont feel like having sex ever unless I am kissed and sort of coddled in the proper way. If your wife has a sex drive similar to mine then you will have to take something like a little kiss and turn it into a kiss that demands to be followed by sex and call that initiating.
Is she physically affectionate at all? Does she try to kiss you or hold your hand?
I am hoping the ladies will chime in, but even it is not always easy, for you like to compare the "Rubik's Cube" and waiting for a lady to make it easy that is contrary to feminine nature.
You are begging your wife for sex? That is not sexy to her and never will be. That is the truth.
These other women you have mentioned to pursue you? I do not even have to ask to know you have not begged them, yet what is the difference? There is the key to your wife and to spark her interest.
You are by far being too much "the nice guy" and that is the fast track to a sexless relationship. It is not the "nice guy" that a woman is sexually attracted to, but the dominant man. The man in control of himself and his world. To make your woman feel as if you are successful with or without her, and you are sometimes to do her a favor by even paying attention to her or consider sex with her, now, a woman will respond to that sexual challenge! If this is missing, even in subtle ways, regarding your intimate relations with your wife, then the spiral of resentment is at hand, which results in a wimpy man begging an insecure woman for sex. This is not sexually attractive for ether.
Listen to MEM11363 questions, that is most true to think about.
The goal is to take ownership for yourself of the entire sexual and emotional relationship. Sexual attraction is primal, a man being a man and a woman being a woman. A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. A woman will find a dominant man irrestibly sexual attractive, and will resent a weak man.
So know this is not "childish" for a man to need sex, but in a way it is "childish" for a man to beg a woman for it. That is not how your woman's psyche knows a man is to act!
I wish you well.
This is an interesting post that brings up an interesting point. First, I can tell you that I have absolutely never begged my wife (or any other woman) for sex, ever. For a long tie I thought this was part of my problem. But what I HAVE done is shower my wife with affection, compliments and "service" (going above & beyond with chores ect. around the house). But it has never really helped, at all. It hasn't hit me until about a week ago when it came to a head and I tried to speak with her (without success again) about it. For the first time ever I said that I would resolve this issue with or without her....first thru counseling. And if that fails, all bets are off. I also told her that I was WILLING to do MOST of the work here. But if she chose to take no ownership in helping me resolve this issue, I would be going outside the marriage (most likely by eventually ending it).
She was an emotional mess after I spelled things out like this & has been putting out like a gumball machine ever since (but I suspect that this will only last until she has her feeling of security back unless the counseling really does help).
So I think that you bring up a very good point. My wife pursued me when we first met as I had little initial interest in her at the time. She initiated all of the sex when we first started dating and had an very healthy libido up until we were married, then it was almost like someone flipped a switch into "off" mode. Part of my growing resentment has always been that I felt as though she "baited & switched" me. But in reality, I really think that she just feels too secure with me. Out of respect for her, I have never once even hinted at these other women who have pursued me & I 'm not sure that she would have felt threatened anyway as she remembers ho hard she had to pursue me back in the day and I had many options back then, but was anything BUT a "man *****".
I think the question is becoming, "how do I give her a 'healthy' dose of insecurity without playing mind games or being manipulative (two things I have never been into). So my way has been to be very up front & specific as to my expectations and demand the same from her. But the counseling begins next week, so we'll see what happens there.
This is an interesting post that brings up an interesting point. First, I can tell you that I have absolutely never begged my wife (or any other woman) for sex, ever. For a long tie I thought this was part of my problem. But what I HAVE done is shower my wife with affection, compliments and "service" (going above & beyond with chores ect. around the house). But it has never really helped, at all. It hasn't hit me until about a week ago when it came to a head and I tried to speak with her (without success again) about it. For the first time ever I said that I would resolve this issue with or without her....first thru counseling. And if that fails, all bets are off. I also told her that I was WILLING to do MOST of the work here. But if she chose to take no ownership in helping me resolve this issue, I would be going outside the marriage (most likely by eventually ending it).
She was an emotional mess after I spelled things out like this & has been putting out like a gumball machine ever since (but I suspect that this will only last until she has her feeling of security back unless the counseling really does help).
So I think that you bring up a very good point. My wife pursued me when we first met as I had little initial interest in her at the time. She initiated all of the sex when we first started dating and had an very healthy libido up until we were married, then it was almost like someone flipped a switch into "off" mode. Part of my growing resentment has always been that I felt as though she "baited & switched" me. But in reality, I really think that she just feels too secure with me. Out of respect for her, I have never once even hinted at these other women who have pursued me & I 'm not sure that she would have felt threatened anyway as she remembers ho hard she had to pursue me back in the day and I had many options back then, but was anything BUT a "man *****".
I think the question is becoming, "how do I give her a 'healthy' dose of insecurity without playing mind games or being manipulative (two things I have never been into). So my way has been to be very up front & specific as to my expectations and demand the same from her. But the counseling begins next week, so we'll see what happens there.
Thanks for all of the input & keep it coming.
Please understand the "begging" is what your wife is seeing, even if you are not!
The "nice guy" showering a woman with affection, she sees that as insulting because it is, like you already said, bribing her for sex.
A woman will need to see her submitting to you and giving herself sexually to you as a gift, because you are a dominant man who will protect her and cherish her and because you strongly desire her in many ways she will have no choice!
If instead of a gift, she is feeling bribed, or obligated, well, that is not sexy to a woman.
Remember, like you said, how you were when you were dating and your wife was sexual to you! Yes, it was a bait and switch, but it was YOU that bait and switched the confident man that was aloof to her and lit her fire, into the "doting boyfriend" (even though you were married) that the woman is not going to find sexy.
The sex picked up when you layed down the law, not because she is playing games with you, but because now you are being a man, and that is what she and any woman for that matter will respond to sexually!
Good luck with the counseling, but you already know what it is you need to do!
I am just astounded you have remained Faithful for this long with THAT little. You deserve more than what little you are asking in my opionion. My husband thought he was starving at once a week for 20 yrs. Another story there, but now we do it 4-6 times a week (we are in our 40's also), as my drive is now higher than his. This happens to some women in their late 30's, early 40's. Do you think maybe your wife is Sexually repressed at all ? I know I was for most of my marraige. Too much religion and thinking sex was "dirty", that was my problem, husband admitted to also feeling sexually repressed. It has been amazing since we have discovered what we have been missing. I hope counseling can sort all of this out for her -and you.
Thanks for the reply. I don't know exactly what you mean by "sexually repressed" but I will say that my wife has always been on the pretty shy side & very much into being in her comfort zone (n ALL facets of her life). We have managed to spice things up at times during our marriage with amazing results. But she quickly loses interest and falls back into what is "comfortable". One quick example is that we went to a strip club after going out for a bite to eat with another couple about a year ago. And went a couple other times since when out with groups of friends. Each time, this has led to us going home & having mind-blowing sex. She even commented once that we need more of that. And she has said recently that we need to plan another trip to the strip club....but only says this when in a group of friends....and has only shown a willingness to go with a group of people. Admittedly, I have been careful to remain somewhat coy on this subject so as to not push too hard. Maybe that needs to change, I don't know.
But it does lead me to think that we aren't really far apart but I just have not been successful in keeping her interested. But as someone else pointed out above, I guess I need to be more "courageous & determined" in certain ways....when she feels a bit insecure, she really seems to respond to that.
Excellent - so you have courage - determination and discipline.
This is all about 2 things and only two things.
1. Being more attractive
2. Being less available
All the stuff below is about one or the other. The alpha / beta stuff drives attractiveness/desire and the emotional space amplifies that desire.
Most guys who post like you did - NEVER EVER tell their wives that the marriage will end if the sexual part is not fixed. Sorry if my original question was obnoxious but conflict avoidant men cannot solve the problem you have.
Ideally you are going to find a way to identify the optimal emotional space/distance between you and your wife. First a quick definition of emotional space - it is in a sense how "close" each of you thinks the other is to you - how much they love you.
Two extremes:
Maximum emotional space/distance: You act totally indifferent to her. Clearly this won't work. If she does love you this will totally freak her out, and long term it is not stable. Short term she will be sexual with you - but out of stark terror. As you have already noted, the mode she is in now is not sustainable for either of you.
Minimum emotional space/distance: You are constantly projecting I love you among the various 5 broadcast channels: acts of service, sacrifice, words of affirmation, physical affection and gifts. She is constantly bombarded with love from you. This makes her way way to secure, bored and sleepy in the marriage and frankly is a huge sexual turn off.
You have spent your entire marriage up until now in the minimum space mode. And the less interested she behaved sexually the closer you got amplifying the very problem you were trying to solve.
In a marriage with a libido mismatch she hears ever I love you - as "I just did something loving for you, will you have sex with me?" This makes the man look weak and needy which is an even bigger turn off.
The answer: Find the ideal amount of emotional space to have in your marriage. And that space/distance is defined as: Figure out exactly what distance your wife really wants you at and then step back one full step. This creates just a moderate amount of craving for you in your wife. She wants you to love her more then you do. She wants more attention, more acts of kindness, more time. More YOU. And one thing your wife knows for sure is that the way to a mans heart is through his - errr - equipment. So she will want to have sex with you because it will produce the desired effect - and you let it do so at least for a day or two. And then you repeat the process.
But the main point is that this actually CREATES desire. It does not create fear, if you asked my wife if she is worried about me cheating or divorcing her she would laugh. She is so not worried about that. But if you asked her why she bothers to make the effort in bed she would say because it makes us feel close. But you don't want to get close to somebody who is already crowding you with love/affection is always underfoot.
Full disclosure: It took me a long time to figure this out, and my wife helped me immensely along the way by being very honest.
And emotional space is one utterly key piece of the puzzle. The other is the alpha/beta stuff Atholk wrote a brilliant summary of recently - see below. For us - I am 90 beta/10 alpha. And the 10 alpha makes her very much hot for me. If I were 50/50 beta/alpha she might even find me a little hotter but she would dislike me and would have divorced me for being an aggressive, difficult argumentative person. If I were 100 beta she would have gotten deadly bored with me and we would have at most a pretend sex life.
Thanks for the reply. I don't know exactly what you mean by "sexually repressed" but I will say that my wife has always been on the pretty shy side & very much into being in her comfort zone (n ALL facets of her life). We have managed to spice things up at times during our marriage with amazing results. But she quickly loses interest and falls back into what is "comfortable". One quick example is that we went to a strip club after going out for a bite to eat with another couple about a year ago. And went a couple other times since when out with groups of friends. Each time, this has led to us going home & having mind-blowing sex. She even commented once that we need more of that. And she has said recently that we need to plan another trip to the strip club....but only says this when in a group of friends....and has only shown a willingness to go with a group of people. Admittedly, I have been careful to remain somewhat coy on this subject so as to not push too hard. Maybe that needs to change, I don't know.
But it does lead me to think that we aren't really far apart but I just have not been successful in keeping her interested. But as someone else pointed out above, I guess I need to be more "courageous & determined" in certain ways....when she feels a bit insecure, she really seems to respond to that.
Excellent - so you have courage - determination and discipline.
This is all about 2 things and only two things.
1. Being more attractive
2. Being less available
All the stuff below is about one or the other. The alpha / beta stuff drives attractiveness/desire and the emotional space amplifies that desire.
Most guys who post like you did - NEVER EVER tell their wives that the marriage will end if the sexual part is not fixed. Sorry if my original question was obnoxious but conflict avoidant men cannot solve the problem you have.
Ideally you are going to find a way to identify the optimal emotional space/distance between you and your wife. First a quick definition of emotional space - it is in a sense how "close" each of you thinks the other is to you - how much they love you.
Two extremes:
Maximum emotional space/distance: You act totally indifferent to her. Clearly this won't work. If she does love you this will totally freak her out, and long term it is not stable. Short term she will be sexual with you - but out of stark terror. As you have already noted, the mode she is in now is not sustainable for either of you.
Minimum emotional space/distance: You are constantly projecting I love you among the various 5 broadcast channels: acts of service, sacrifice, words of affirmation, physical affection and gifts. She is constantly bombarded with love from you. This makes her way way to secure, bored and sleepy in the marriage and frankly is a huge sexual turn off.
You have spent your entire marriage up until now in the minimum space mode. And the less interested she behaved sexually the closer you got amplifying the very problem you were trying to solve.
In a marriage with a libido mismatch she hears ever I love you - as "I just did something loving for you, will you have sex with me?" This makes the man look weak and needy which is an even bigger turn off.
The answer: Find the ideal amount of emotional space to have in your marriage. And that space/distance is defined as: Figure out exactly what distance your wife really wants you at and then step back one full step. This creates just a moderate amount of craving for you in your wife. She wants you to love her more then you do. She wants more attention, more acts of kindness, more time. More YOU. And one thing your wife knows for sure is that the way to a mans heart is through his - errr - equipment. So she will want to have sex with you because it will produce the desired effect - and you let it do so at least for a day or two. And then you repeat the process.
But the main point is that this actually CREATES desire. It does not create fear, if you asked my wife if she is worried about me cheating or divorcing her she would laugh. She is so not worried about that. But if you asked her why she bothers to make the effort in bed she would say because it makes us feel close. But you don't want to get close to somebody who is already crowding you with love/affection is always underfoot.
Full disclosure: It took me a long time to figure this out, and my wife helped me immensely along the way by being very honest.
And emotional space is one utterly key piece of the puzzle. The other is the alpha/beta stuff Atholk wrote a brilliant summary of recently - see below. For us - I am 90 beta/10 alpha. And the 10 alpha makes her very much hot for me. If I were 50/50 beta/alpha she might even find me a little hotter but she would dislike me and would have divorced me for being an aggressive, difficult argumentative person. If I were 100 beta she would have gotten deadly bored with me and we would have at most a pretend sex life.
This is a very informative & insightful post, thank you. The question in my mind is how do I develop this skill set (I really think that the mind set is there...and I can cay this due in large part to the fact that I now know that it wasn't always there)? Maybe you don't have any help or direction on that, but I would welcome it if you do.
LH,
Separate out all the specific actions you take that directly communicate that you love her. And then ease back on them. Now maybe they make her feel crowded because she sees each on as a request for sex - even if it is not. But for the moment, don't try to convince her otherwise, just do less of this stuff for now. Say "I love you" less often and for certain do not say it more to her then she to you. Gifts, acts of service, same thing - do less. And simply spend less time with her..
All my 5 channels of showing her love get less and less active until I feel that she is at least meeting me hallf
More attractive: I start in the gym and then add a fun hobby that might be good for meeting other people.
I also work to be more optimistic, lighthearted, fun to be around.
After a short time and some progress, you simply ask her to start telling you what things you do/could do outside the bedroom to really turn her on more or to avoid turning her off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Longtime HuASsband
This is a very informative & insightful post, thank you. The question in my mind is how do I develop this skill set (I really think that the mind set is there...and I can cay this due in large part to the fact that I now know that it wasn't always there)? Maybe you don't have any help or direction on that, but I would welcome it if you do.
Please understand the "begging" is what your wife is seeing, even if you are not!
The "nice guy" showering a woman with affection, she sees that as insulting because it is, like you already said, bribing her for sex.
A woman will need to see her submitting to you and giving herself sexually to you as a gift, because you are a dominant man who will protect her and cherish her and because you strongly desire her in many ways she will have no choice!
If instead of a gift, she is feeling bribed, or obligated, well, that is not sexy to a woman.
Remember, like you said, how you were when you were dating and your wife was sexual to you! Yes, it was a bait and switch, but it was YOU that bait and switched the confident man that was aloof to her and lit her fire, into the "doting boyfriend" (even though you were married) that the woman is not going to find sexy.
The sex picked up when you layed down the law, not because she is playing games with you, but because now you are being a man, and that is what she and any woman for that matter will respond to sexually!
Good luck with the counseling, but you already know what it is you need to do!
I had somehow missed this post originally, but you make some really good & useful points. The good news is that I already begun to "see" these points on some intellectual level, but was unaware of exactly what I was seeing until you and MEM pointed it out to me. I really do appreciate your help!
Challenge now becomes finding the exact correct behaviorial pattern(s), consistently implementing them & doing so w/o going to far the other way. But that part is really a piece of cake compared to not having a clue as to what to do.
LH,
Separate out all the specific actions you take that directly communicate that you love her. And then ease back on them. Now maybe they make her feel crowded because she sees each on as a request for sex - even if it is not. But for the moment, don't try to convince her otherwise, just do less of this stuff for now. Say "I love you" less often and for certain do not say it more to her then she to you. Gifts, acts of service, same thing - do less. And simply spend less time with her..
All my 5 channels of showing her love get less and less active until I feel that she is at least meeting me hallf
More attractive: I start in the gym and then add a fun hobby that might be good for meeting other people.
I also work to be more optimistic, lighthearted, fun to be around.
After a short time and some progress, you simply ask her to start telling you what things you do/could do outside the bedroom to really turn her on more or to avoid turning her off.
Good stuff.....and pretty easy for me to implement.
I gotta say that this will take a fair amount of discipline and patience on my part, as you have indicated previously. My wife is a pretty strong & independent/self-sufficient woman who does not easily feel impressed OR threatened--which likely has a lot to do with why we had some of the issues to begin with as I was unwittingly playing against myself by failing to take these traits into account.
We are at about 10X+ a month now - she is having some unexplainable libido spike - which is a little higher frequency for us then normal - typical for us is more like 8X or 9X/month.
The guy I saw turn this around the fastest started out like you did and this is what happened.
- He got a lot of mercy sex for a while
- He pushed and pushed and finally she opened up and told him the things he did outside the bedroom that were a turn off. He stopped doing those and magically her desire level rose up to meet his.
The problem with many married folks today is that they have extended the vows:
- In sickness (this is a good one - often outside our control)
- For poorer (same deal)
- In indifference to our spouse's needs (THIS IS THE NEW ONE)
That last one - would not fly in my house in either direction. I go above and beyond for her and vice versa.
In many marriages the grade A husband is frustrated with sex so he simply tries harder to become an A+ husband. He does more choreplay and romantic dinners and stuff which comes across as submissive. The female reaction to this is almost universal: they feel bored, overly safe in the relationship AND they see you as needy and weak. This KILLS there desire.
The better move is to find out what alpha behaviors make her hot. For us it is a mix of stuff: She does get turned on by me being physically dominant with her during the day. This could be as simple as pinning her against a wall without warning and giving her a warm but brief - 10 second - kiss and saying "tonight you are going to to whatever I tell you or I am going to punish you for being disobedient." And then I walk away and act like nothing happened rest of day. But that night I do follow through.
And also find out if there is anything you are doing that is a turn off to her - both in bed and out. I have a list of stuff my wife is turned off by - I simply never do it. Easy stuff like I always shower just before bed - she loves Irish Spring - so thats what I use. I always brush my teeth just before bed. I never eat any foods - garlic - that day she doesn't eat. I have stayed very fit and yes that is a libido amplifier for her.
Last thing is because we are sexually so in synch either of us is almost equally likely to ask the other to have sex and she almost never feels pressured by me. And that means when I touch, hug, kiss, massage her unless I say otherwise she just enjoys the touch for what it is since most of the time it does not lead directly to sex unless she asks for it. Because of that we both get to enjoy having a super high touch marriage.
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Originally Posted by Longtime Husband
Good stuff.....and pretty easy for me to implement.
I gotta say that this will take a fair amount of discipline and patience on my part, as you have indicated previously. My wife is a pretty strong & independent/self-sufficient woman who does not easily feel impressed OR threatened--which likely has a lot to do with why we had some of the issues to begin with as I was unwittingly playing against myself by failing to take these traits into account.
I need my wife's help
