Third time I've discovered my husband surfing swingers websites. He takes on a personna of a man or couple wanting a threesome and loves getting the pictures. He has a friend that likes picking up guys to watch them with his wife and sends the pictures to him. How could he consider a person like that a friend! I've told him if that is his desire he has no business in a marriage with me. Our sex life started out really good, but now he's much less interested in me. I'm thoroughly disgusted by these fantasies, he completely hid this side of himself when he "just couldn't live without me". Now I've changed my whole life to revolve around him, thinking his revolved around me but obviously not. Why would he marry me if this is what he's after? This website revealed communications the same week we got married! I feel like a fool and have no one to talk too.
Watching your wife with another man is actually a fairly common male fantasy these days. It's both "real life porn" in that you get to watch someone you have an attraction to have sex, and it triggers a competitive sexual response in the husband. It can be very exciting for the man.
However there is a sizable degree of risk with actually doing this in reality. Obviously disease, intended pregnancy etc are one issue. But the most dangerous aspect is that very often the wife will just go crazy for a lover, and that will end the relationship with the husband on some level. I know it sounds somewhat odd, but literally just one sexual experience with a new partner can trigger this.
There is a degree of randomness to this. A wife could have 4 lovers in a row and basically just have a really fun time, and then the 1st time with guy #5 and.... WHAM! It's all over between her and her husband. So yes indeed it is exciting. But then again, so is Russian Roulette I'm told.
The irony is... if his fantasy is to see you in the arms of another man, that fantasy in and of itself is driving you away from him. Eventually you might just leave him and end up with someone else.
I would frame this sort of thing in discussion as not in his best interest. Also I'd suggest marriage counseling.
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I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
Thanks for your views. Frankly I just don't see how he could love me if that's what he wants to see, common fantasy or not. If that's who he is I don't see how I could ever have fallen for him. I've noticed for some time he just doesn't seem attracted to me, though I've kept myself in good shape. Guess he wants to "spice things up" because he's bored with me as I am. I tried to tell him if he focuses on the emotional closeness of lovemaking he'll find the excitement he's looking for. For some reason I just can't get him to go there. Not very flattering. I agree we need counseling if we can find a good counselor. I just hope it's not too late.
I wouldn't call that kind of activity "fairly common". I'd bet that the vast majority of husbands harbor no such fantasies about their wife.
I sure don't.
The activity is not very common no. The fantasy is not wildly uncommon though. There is quite a difference between the fantasy and actual reality though.
__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
Third time I've discovered my husband surfing swingers websites. He takes on a personna of a man or couple wanting a threesome and loves getting the pictures. He has a friend that likes picking up guys to watch them with his wife and sends the pictures to him. How could he consider a person like that a friend! I've told him if that is his desire he has no business in a marriage with me. Our sex life started out really good, but now he's much less interested in me. I'm thoroughly disgusted by these fantasies, he completely hid this side of himself when he "just couldn't live without me". Now I've changed my whole life to revolve around him, thinking his revolved around me but obviously not. Why would he marry me if this is what he's after? This website revealed communications the same week we got married! I feel like a fool and have no one to talk too.
Gail, this is a form a cheating. Don't let anyone tell you different. Trust me, I know what you're going through. I just joined this site and posted in the considering divorce section because of this same issue. I'm not saying that is the same road for you, but it seems to be my road right now. Feel free to pm me if you need to chat. I know how you feel.
Gail, I can see this is really painful for you and I'm sorry to hear it. When we had been married for about 4 years my husband shared that he sometimes fantasized about me with other guys. We talked about it and both realized it's not something we would EVER do in real life, even though we talk dirty about it pretty often when we have sex. For us, it's very hot.
I'm not saying you should change your mind about this, but maybe there is a line for him too between fantasy and reality. It was hard for me to recognize at first that men's fantasies are sometimes only fantasies. They always seemed so specific and so visceral that I couldn't understand that they wouldn't necessarily want to do that.
It sounds to me like the real issue here, though, isn't the fantasies themselves or the porn, but the hiding and sneaking and the general lack of effective communication around ALL of this. That's why I would go to counseling - to learn how to talk to each other in a way that lets love, sex, and passion grow and that gives you the tools to work through even the really difficult arguments.
"Spicing it up" doesn't mean that you have to do things that are immoral, but it does mean you both have to put some effort into engaging your most important sex organ - your brain. It's not fair for him to use porn only to accomplish this, that's for sure.
my wife told me about a dream she had last night, that we had a threesome with another male, it was a blonde male with a foriegn voice. I asked her if it was the mentalist guy..lol (he's from austraila)
anyway, i've had this fantasy for a long time as well, a threesome with another male and my wife.
To me it is all about pleasing my wife, giving her the ultimate pleasure (in a guys mind)
We ahve even ventured to a swingers club, we decided it was not a lifestyle for us, that we did like being watched and watching others, I was actually very impressed with how turned on my wife got, because it was a very delicate talking to her about this, she was very much against it in the beginning, but she has opened up to the acceptence of the lifestyle. But she has also made it very clear that she will NEVER participate in a threesome or a couple swap, that I should leave it to fantasy.
But we are comfortable in our own skin were we can talk and discuss it with each other, openly. So her fantasy (dream) was a great surprise to me and a turn on, we ended up playing strip poker last night....hehe.
my suggestion, before you go all nuclear on him, which I imagine you did from the intial shock, I would calm down, think about it from a males point of view, we are sex oriented, we would have sex with our wives 24x7 if they let us. (well I would)
now of course this is impossible, so we have fun talking about cute movies stars, etc, she can tell me how hot Brad pitt is or the guy from the mentalist, or george clooney, or the guys on her soap opera. I can tell her how hot jennifer aniston is, or whoever I see on TV. We are comfortable that we are not going to go out and have sex with another person.
Do you trust your husband? Do you love him? Would you role play with him? make a home movie for him only? take explict pics? my wife will take naughty pics with her cell and send them to me while I am working....very HOT!! (together 20 years) I am still a lustful teenager about her. We keep it it "fresh" and a bit naughty.
Do you still flirt with him? tease him? wear skirts with no panties? All this stuff makes a hubby go nuts for his wife.
Men like the thrill of the chase and the "tease" the flirt. Instead of putting up a wall, amybe talk to him, find some common ground, be a bit naughty in public.
I have to say, taking my wife to a swingers club was a wild adventure for us, nothing happened, but the sex between us was very hot and intense and I was so taken back that my wife actually went and dressed ultra sexy that it made me want her so badly, that another woman came up to me and I didn't bother to give it a try, I wanted my wife instead, so we have fun with it and a bit of wildness in our otherwise busy professional lives.
I hope you can get passed the shock, and work it in your own favor.
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