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post #136 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 09:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

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post #137 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-02-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife left a note on the fridge.
"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell did she mean?
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post #138 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-02-2016, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife's been missing for a week, the police have warned me to prepare for the worst.
So I got her clothes back from the charity shop.
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post #139 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-03-2016, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"
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post #140 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-03-2016, 05:31 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Been reading this thread, and search though I might, it's hard to find any marriage jokes coming up from women.

Do women lack a sense of humour then? Or all joke-writers just male chauvinists who see things from male perspectives? Or (and I'm even afraid to think of this) is it true that marriage is such a raw deal for men today?
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post #141 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-03-2016, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
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post #142 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
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post #143 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan."

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-pence piece
When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari,
You get £2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?"
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post #144 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
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post #145 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

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post #146 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 12:28 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I canít wear your pants," she said.

"Thatís right!" said the husband. "And donít you forget it. Iím the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell, I canít get into your panties!"

"Thatís right, and thatís the way itís going to be until you change your attitude!"
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post #147 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Hi @brownmale some of the jokes here poke a pretty sharp stick into guys. While funny never the less these joked can reveal the true state of mind of the poster.
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post #148 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Hi @brownmale some of the jokes here poke a pretty sharp stick into guys. While funny never the less these joked can reveal the true state of mind of the poster.
I am pretty sure there are some studies done by very reputable institutions that shows that men are in fact funnier than women. Don't ask me to produce these studies, I just know they exist
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post #149 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Doubt it, I think they just keep it "in house" Sorry I need links on this to accept what you said.
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post #150 of 294 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
Funny! Great thread.... Here's my contribution:


LOL. Love it!!


Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
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