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post #271 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Nice one.

I know you were having a helluva time trying to R. How goes it with you and your W?

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post #272 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

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Originally Posted by Tron View Post
Nice one.

I know you were having a helluva time trying to R. How goes it with you and your W?
Not appropriate in a joke thread really, selling houses so we can separate, kids informed, basically it has been a crap Christmas and I can expect more crap to come.
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post #273 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

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Originally Posted by Florida_rosbif View Post
I went out shopping the other day and my wife gave me $100 and told me to spend it on something to make her look sexy!
It's amazing how drunk you can get with $100!


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #274 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Well, hang in there.

And keep the jokes coming.
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post #275 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Sorry to hear, FR.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #276 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Hope this one hasn't been posted before, one of my favorites:

A young guy from Tennessee moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back home." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
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post #277 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife told me to go to the doctor's and ask for some of those pills to help me get an erection.
She didn't seem very pleased when I brought her back some diet pills?
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post #278 of 290 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Dear Diary,


Day 1:
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.

Day 2:
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent. He wants me
to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I
mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS
with a limp.

Day 3:
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday I saw a picture
of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4:
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
"problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things
will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd
rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7:
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8:
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the
lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10:
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. To
make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo
of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11:
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue.
The other day we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet. He thought it
was "The Smurfs Do Denmark."

Day 12:
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and
Decker.

Day 13:
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying
"fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14:
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes,
there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's
hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15:
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" revs his motor.

Day 16:
I may just have to kill him! Then he'll go out the way he wants to:
STIFF! But with my luck, I probably won't be able to close the casket.

Dear Diary [rec.humor.funny]

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #279 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 06:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

This morning my wife told me she was leaving me. Said she was sick of my obsession with the 60s pop band The Monkees.

At first I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face...
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post #280 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

You know what a threesome is, right? When three people have sex? And a twosome, when two people have sex? So I'm sure you can figure out why I think you're handsome.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #281 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois




Okay, that was a setup for this real life joke of a marriage that happened just this week!


Quote:
Police in Pennsylvania say a woman shot and killed her husband after arguing about a casserole she burned, then took a photo of the body, texted it to a friend and showered before calling 911.

According to court records, Frazer police responding to the call Monday night found 42-year-old Dennis Drum Sr. lying dead on a bed with a gun in his hand and a gunshot wound to the forehead, the Tribune-Review reported.

His wife, 38-year-old Teresa Drum, told officers her husband shot himself after they argued about the burned casserole and over the fact that she drank his last beer. She said he shot himself as she called 911.

She showed paramedics the cellphone photo she took of his body, claiming she sent it to a friend because she didn’t know what to do. The friend told her to call authorities.

Police say there was no gun in Dennis Drum’s hand in that photo and it was taken 11 minutes before the 911 call was made.


http://iotwreport.com/woman-kills-hu...to-her-friend/
Read the rest at the link. She even took a shower after killing him!


Below is a link to a news video.


Woman Kills Husband After Fight Over Burned Casserole: Cops | NBC New York

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."

Last edited by 2ntnuf; 03-05-2017 at 11:31 AM.
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post #282 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-04-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

That casserole is delicious, honey. Did you work on it long? I love it.


Moral of the story is, "Never drink your wife's last beer."

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #283 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 06:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.”
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post #284 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Holy Gunshots Batman!!!

LOL.
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post #285 of 290 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Just found out that today is international women's day. It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
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