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post #16 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 04:29 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage



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post #17 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”

“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.

The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
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post #18 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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So Dave is getting married and wondered how many times he should have sex with his wife on his wedding night.

He asked his pal Joe, who said "We did it about five or six times on our wedding night".

Wow he thought, he asked his pal Peter, who said "About three or four"

Not bad he thought, just thought he would ask one more pal.

He asked Roger how many times he had sex with his wife on their wedding night.

Roger said "Once"

He said "ONCE what did your wife say in the morning".

"She said GET OFF!"
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post #19 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Three newly-wed grooms find themselves propping up the bar at a hotel together and get to bragging about what they're going to do to their new wives that night, and how many times. One points out that it's going to be difficult to compare notes in the morning with their wives around and suggests that at breakfast they should order as many pieces of toast as they've got their end away.

So next morning the waitress approaches the first groom's table and asks for his order and he looks around smugly, and loudly asks for three pieces of toast. The next groom looks pleased with himself and orders four. The waitress goes up to the last groom's table and with a big smile on his face, he asks for six pieces of toast. The waitress is just leaving when he calls her back and says ... "Oh, and could you make three of those brown please?"
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post #20 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 07:29 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Oh hey, I've got one.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it!


Aaaaannnndddd


*crickets*
Posted via Mobile Device

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #21 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 06:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked.
As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual,
"I've a headache!"
"Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
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post #22 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 08:28 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Great idea for a thread! (*cough* Let's laugh about marriage for a change *cough*)

Two women meet a party and are striking up small talk:

Woman 1: "Are you married or single?"
Woman 2: "Happily married for eighteen years."
Woman 1: "Really? That's great!"
Woman 2: "Yeah....twenty-four years total."
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post #23 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 09:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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post #24 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 11:13 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

You have a sharp sense of humor rosbif, read this one here on TAM it struck me a pretty sharp metaphor for BS and WS after a slight modification.
Guy decides to go hunting for a bear. He goes to a hunting store buys a shot gun and hunting gear. He drives out to the woods and tracks a bear. He sees one, aims the shotgun and fires. After the smoke clears he sees the bear is gone. He then feels a tap on the shoulder, turns around and it is the bear! The bear says you have choices mate: I can rip your throat out or you can drop your draws, turn around, turn around and grab your ankles. The hunter chooses option two. Afterwards he walks back to his car and drives home.

The next year the hunter decides he wants to get a little bit of his own back. He goes to the gun shop and gets an elephant gun. Finds the bear, aims fire, the smoke clears, no bear, he feels a tap on the shoulder turns and it is the bear with a friend and says "you know the drill." aftetwards he crawls home and swears never to bear hunt again. By thefollowing year he pissed. He goes to an army navy store and gets a mortar and heads the woods.

He sees the bear and fires off a barrage of rounds. The smoke clears and no bear. He feels a tap on the shoulder turns arounds, sees the bear and a group of bears behind the bear. The bear says tonthe hunter: "well mate I have to ask, are you really here for the hunting?????".
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post #25 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

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post #26 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:16 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

^^ not exactly a marriage joke, but a good one

Chris Rock: "Marriage is so hard, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in an African prison getting tortured and beaten every day of his life for 27 years. He got out, spent 6 months with his wife and said, 'I can't TAKE this s**t!!!!'"
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post #27 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 12:28 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
OMG
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post #28 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 01:11 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Omego View Post
OMG
Hey, we aim to please!!!


"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #29 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 02:48 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Man goes to the doctor. He says "doctor, I don't know if my wife has VD or TB."

doctor says, "chase her around the house, if she coughs, f^ck her"

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #30 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 03:19 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Mary: How many women have you slept with besides me?

John: I've only slept with you, dear. All the others kept me awake all night!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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