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post #286 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.
"Congratulations" shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

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post #287 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Just read that Mary Berry is planning to write an erotic 'Jilly Cooperesque' novel about cooking.


Provisional title : 'Fifty Shades of Gravy'
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post #288 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife said she'd only slept with three people before we met.

I wouldn't mind but I was only 30 minutes late!
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post #289 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
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post #290 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,

but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,

so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and

I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,

"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and

I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.


"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.



What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"



Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
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post #291 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Probably a repeat but so topical that I can't resist!

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: ​“Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.

She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that ****!"
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post #292 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I will never understand women.
My girlfriend is a beautiful,kindhearted,generous,loving woman.She has lots of friends who think the world of her,her family love her dearly and everyone that meets her likes her.
My wife can't stand her.
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post #293 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
I will never understand women.
My girlfriend is a beautiful,kindhearted,generous,loving woman.She has lots of friends who think the world of her,her family love her dearly and everyone that meets her likes her.
My wife can't stand her.

Reminds me of the advice to men:


You should find a woman that is a good cook and housekeeper,

You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

Last and the most important thing is that these 3 women should never meet.
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post #294 of 294 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:32 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Idyit View Post
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,

but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,

so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and

I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,

"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and

I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.


"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.



What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"



Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
Really adorable this couple.

Trimis de pe al meu Vodafone Smart 4 max folosind Tapatalk
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