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post #31 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
Man goes to the doctor. He says "doctor, I don't know if my wife has VD or TB."

doctor says, "chase her around the house, if she coughs, f^ck her"
Man goes to the doctor. He says "Doctor, I don't know if my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS."

Doctor says, "drop her off a few miles from home, if she finds her way back, don't fvck her!"

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post #32 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
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post #33 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 03:36 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I miss Rodney Dangerfield.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #34 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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post #35 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-24-2015, 10:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite work tops in the kitchen."
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post #36 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 06:28 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Here's an old one.

After a long and arduous marriage an old man finally dies and in the afterlife is met at the gates of heaven by Gabriel. Gabriel greeted the man and said if he could spell one simple word he could enter through the gates of heaven, but if not he'd be sent to hell.

The old man agreed and Gabriel said, "spell the word love."

The man said, "L-O-V-E." Gabriel greeted the old man and the gates of heaven swung open.

As the man was about to walk away Gabriel said that he needed to take a quick break and asked the old man to take over his spot at the gate for a few minutes. Gabriel further said that if anyone approaches the gate just ask them the same question and all will be fine.

After a few short minutes an old woman approached the gates where the man stood. Both recognized each other as they have been married for such a long time before their death.

The old woman seemed rather surprised to see her husband at the gates of heaven and told him to open the gates and allow her in. The old man said he could not do that unless she could spell one simple word.

The much annoyed woman said OK give me the word, hurry up.

The old man said, "spell Czechoslovakia."
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post #37 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 06:41 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A married couple was playing a round of golf one warm Sunday afternoon. The woman wasn't having a particularly good round and was the target of several teasing comments and heckles from her husband.

The woman was furiously standing at the tee box of a long par five. She decided she would release all of her rage on this drive and hit the ball as hard as she could. Just as she was in the top of her backswing her husband tried to dash across in front of her to distract her.

Unable to stop in time she finished her drive but her golf ball struck her husband directly in his forehead. She had hit the ball was such a force that the ball actually was embedded flush in his head right above his eyes.

She tossed her driver to the ground in shock. Another couple ran up in horror asking what she was going to do now?

The woman let out a sigh and said, "it looks like I got to use a wedge."
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post #38 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Love it, thanks Haiku!


A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a Long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to to?

The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box .."
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post #39 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 09:46 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by CatJayBird View Post
Wow, I didn't know how long that line had been around:

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/08/27/drink-it/

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #40 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 10:03 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Wife to husband: My OBGYN says I can't have sex for 6 weeks!

Husband to wife: Well, what did your dentist say?


I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #41 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.

"Of course I'VE ****ing tidied up," she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you because YOU do **** all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all - Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the ****ing dog - so yes, yes I've ****ing tidied up."

"Well, in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."

"Oh, riiiiight," she said, sarcastically. "Mr D I ****ing Y and his clever-arse ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid ****ing plans."

"Bloody hell," I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."

"A ****ing patio?" she laughed. "Over my dead body."

"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans!
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post #42 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-26-2015, 02:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Statistics released from The United Nations

Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 45 and 75 will average having sex two to three times per week.

Japanese men, in the same age group, have sex only two or three times per year.

Many of my friends find this very disturbing news because they had no idea they were Japanese.
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post #43 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-26-2015, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
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post #44 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-26-2015, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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post #45 of 294 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 12:22 AM Thread Starter
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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe!!
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