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post #46 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

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post #47 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 02:53 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman was trying to figure out what to give her husband for their 10 year anniversary.

Her friend suggested a blow job.

"But I don't know how to do that!"

To which her friend replied, "just get one of those old fashioned glass ketchup bottles and practice on that"

Weeks go by and then comes the night of her anniversary.

Her husband comes home and she seductively tells him to go take a shower and wait for her in the bed with no clothes on.

Excited, he showers and lays in the bed with his eyes closed.

She walks in and whispers "are you ready big boy?"

He excitedly nods yes.

She crawls across the bed, slowly, seductively....

He's beside himself.

She slips up beside him, grabs his penis.....squeezes it.......and gives it 4 hard taps with the palm of her hand.
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I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #48 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?



"Because he's thinking of getting married."
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post #49 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have it.

It seems that I really am a twat and she really does want me to **** off.
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post #50 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 07:46 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. I'm coming with you, I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
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post #51 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Nice one Woodchuck!!



A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the bad to ooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work !

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir ?”

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him. ”
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post #52 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 08:41 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A southern boy married a girl from NYC, and the while they got along well for the most part, there were a few adjustments for both of them.

It took her several weeks to learn to prepare grits, and the guy had a hell of a time getting used to all the girly products she seemed to always be needing...

One morning she woke up, and demanded he rush to the pharmacy to get tampons....

Not being knowledgeable about the subject, he finally got up the nerve to ask a sales clerk....

The clerk wanted to be helpful, so she asked "what size do you need?"...

Totally stumped, the young man replied that he had no idea...

The clerk then asked "What absorbency does she use"?

Even more puzzled, the husband just shrugs....

Becoming frustrated, the clerk shouts "What is her flow like"?

Finally seeing the light, the newlywed smiles and replies "linoleum".....
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post #53 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-01-2015, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Maria, the maid, asks her boss for a raise
Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'
Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
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post #54 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-02-2015, 05:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring . The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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post #55 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-02-2015, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

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post #56 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me
-- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I
can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...

Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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post #57 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-04-2015, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, I told you there was a simple explanation........

She never got your e-mail !"
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post #58 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-04-2015, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days, huh?"
The husband couldn't believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine! "
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling on his eyes went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...
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post #59 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-04-2015, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
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post #60 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-04-2015, 05:48 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to
flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did
everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed
a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played
tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone,
and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything,
not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole
neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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