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post #61 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-05-2015, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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post #62 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-06-2015, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The mother-in-law decides to pay an unannounced visit to her darling son and his newly married wife. Upon welcoming herself into the house, she finds her new daughter-in-law laying naked on the sofa.

When asked what she's up to, the daughter-in-law replies 'this is my love dress, I only wear it when in expecting your son home. He always enjoys it when I wear my love dress'.

The mother-in-law, a little impressed by the idea of a love dress, heads home to let them enjoy their newlywed enthusiasm. When she returns home, her husband of 35 years is out, so she decides to spice things up by getting into her own 'love dress' and getting on the sofa, ready for hubby to return home.

20 minutes later, he wanders in and sees her lying naked on the couch. 'What the hell are you doing, love?' he asks.

'I thought I'd surprise you', she replies, 'this is my love dress!'.

Husband says, 'Well it needs ironing. What's for dinner?'
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post #63 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-06-2015, 11:02 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husband calls up hotel management from room. Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump from your hotel window.
Manager: Sir, I am sorry. But this is your personal issue.
Husband: Idiot, this window is not opening. This is a maintenance issue.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.

Last edited by sixty-eight; 12-06-2015 at 11:25 AM.
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post #64 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where were you when I got married?"
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post #65 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Two good friends are talking over a coffee, and one says " My husband gets worse the older he gets. The other day I just bent over to get something out of the deep freezer and in a flash he pulled my panties down, and fvcked me from behind."
"Nothing wrong with that",says her friend,"You should be lucky that you still have sex after being married for over thirty years"
"Maybe you're right", said the first one, "but now we're banned from Walmart."
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post #66 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed...

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!'
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post #67 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Two blokes in their mid-twenties are chatting away while sitting at a bar.

One of them says to his mate, "Man you look tired."

His friend says, "I'm totally exhausted mate. My girlfriend wants sex *all* the time. I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow sitting a couple of stools down had overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****”.
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post #68 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The thread on depression/divorce statistics made me think of another old favourite:

Why do married men usually die before their wives?

Because they want to!
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post #69 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 07:21 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yes sir, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64?!?!? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishin' rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin', and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4X4." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" Kid says, "Well, no sir, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishin'."

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #70 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-07-2015, 11:23 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Why is divorce expensive?
Because it's worth it!


Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #71 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

With a very seductive voice, the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.

He took the crumpled bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $100 bill all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled $100 bill.

He took the crumpled bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $70,000 all crumpled up?"

He said "No!,” trying to hide his arousal.

"Check the garage,” said she.
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post #72 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-09-2015, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die...

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

She replied, "You're going to die!"
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post #73 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma"

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"
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post #74 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
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post #75 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 01:40 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man arrives home in the wee hours of the morning, stumbling drunk, but is able to make it to bed without waking a soul.

The next morning, his head pounding from the night before, he creeps downstairs. On the table before him was a feast... eggs, bacon, ham, fresh squeezed orange juice, the works. He smiled, glad he had gotten away with his bad behavior.

"Some night last night, huh?" his teenage son said as the man sat down to breakfast.

"What do you mean?" the man asked, his blood running cold.

"Well, you came home at 2am. You broke out the window on the front door pounding to be let in because you couldn't find your key. After I let you in, you pissed in the potted plant, fell down the steps as you tried to go to your bedroom and puked on the floor in the bathroom before you passed out. I had to help mom get you into bed."

The man stared at his son in horror. "So, why all this?" he asked quietly as he motioned to the banquet.

"As mom tried to undress you for bed, you kept pushing her hands away and saying, 'Stop! I'm married!'"

Last edited by CopperTop; 12-10-2015 at 01:45 PM.
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