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post #76 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

From the internet:

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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post #77 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 02:48 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy and looked the pharmacist straight in the eyes as she said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." 

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" the pharmacist asked.

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists looked at her in shock. "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

"Well now," he said. "That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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post #78 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:06 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man in the hills of West Virginia calls his son in Richmond the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son cries in despair.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Charleston and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister.

"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts into the phone. "I'll take care of this!"

She calls home to Cedarville immediately, and screams at her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

When his daughter was gone, the old man slowly hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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post #79 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol,
my wife sh** on my face, bit off the end of my ****, and my neighbour
came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."
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post #80 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 06:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll ****ing skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't ****ing touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."


"****ing great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
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post #81 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 08:55 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Marital Sex

Year 1 You're having sex all the time, all over the place - you're doing it in the shower, on the dining room table, on kitchen counters, in the backyard, on the sofa

Year 10 You're only doing it in the bedroom with the lights off on a Saturday night

Year 20 You pass each other in the hall and say f*ck you
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post #82 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Brian works hard at the Mobile Phone Company. He spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Brian! How are you doing?". His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Brian.“He's in my bowling league”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Brian if he'd like his usual and brings over a Guinness. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Guinness ?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Guinness at the end of the 1st nine, darling."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Brian, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Brian. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Brian's wife, is now furious, she grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Brian follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Brian now tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book..

The taxi driver turns around and says,'Blimey Brian, you picked up a real b*tch this time fella.'
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post #83 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs..

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs..

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......

she said...............



"F**k off', they're for the funeral."
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post #84 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man is speeding down a freeway, and is seen by a police officer who sets off in pursuit. The man accelerates and carries on driving, and it is only after 10 minutes that he finally gives up and pulls over.

The police officer says, "It's Friday afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me an excuse for speeding and failing to stop when pursued that I've never heard before, I'll let you off.

The man says, "Well, a few months ago my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you wanted to give her back."

"Have a nice day sir!"
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post #85 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

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post #86 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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post #87 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for something to eat.

The man took out his wallet, extracted a fiver and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf."
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post #88 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A boy had his heart set on becoming an actor. He, finally, landed a part in his school play. He ran home after classes, very excited to tell his Dad the great news.

"That's fantastic," his Father said upon hearing the news. "Who do you play ? "

His son answered, " I play a guy who's been married for over twenty years like you, Dad."

His Father laughed and said, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"
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post #89 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobiles. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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post #90 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 08:39 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A husband just finished having a fight with his wife. While the silent treatment ensued between them, the husband slots in a DVD of their wedding to his wife's amazement.


However,........ he begins to play the wedding video in reverse
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