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post #91 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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post #92 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-16-2015, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After my wife and I have sex the first time, I’m usually cold and chilly….and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, “Everything appears to be fine, are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions of concerns. The doctor then said to her “Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem, he claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time…and hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?”

“Oh, that crazy old coot!” she replied. That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”
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post #93 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A biker was riding along a Californian beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I'd like to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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post #94 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-18-2015, 12:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16.
Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly..

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

'I would have been released today.'
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post #95 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-19-2015, 10:27 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


THE WIFE STORE

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Funny2 - Husband/Wife Store Husband/Wife Store

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #96 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-19-2015, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied “Well, I’m in the pub next door to it."
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post #97 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 03:54 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:

“What happened here today?’”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ”Well, today I didn’t do it.”
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post #98 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then an old man cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
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post #99 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:15 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My absolute favorite on relationships: https://youtu.be/kk5iqoYVUQc
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post #100 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:39 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Definition of a coward.

Husband wakes up with his nose in his wife’s armpit and is afraid to open his eyes,

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post #101 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:43 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husbands are best at keeping secrets. After all, they aren't really listening.
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post #102 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:44 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
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post #103 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 06:46 PM
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post #104 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'
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post #105 of 294 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 06:39 PM Thread Starter
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Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into
a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ...
But on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I go bowling.....
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