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post #106 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 07:06 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

My ex wife had 12 nipples. Sounds strange, dozen tit?

(Sorry, it's early and I only know old jokes.)

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post #107 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:54 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Men who don't understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.
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post #108 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:56 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

C2 and I have been married for 20 years, but it feels like 20 minutes...

Underwater.
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post #109 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 03:57 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Women marry men hoping they will change... but they don't.

Men marry women hoping they won't... but they do.
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post #110 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 04:06 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Marriage is a little creepy. Think about it. You are saying to a person, "I love you so much that I'm going to get the government involved so you can't leave."

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post #111 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

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Originally Posted by CopperTop View Post
Women marry men hoping they will change... but they don't.

Men marry women hoping they won't... but they do.
This isn't a joke, it's philosophy!
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post #112 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 05:25 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

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Women marry men hoping they will change... but they don't.

Men marry women hoping they won't... but they do.
This isn't a joke, it's philosophy!
I have been saying this for years. It certainly applies to my marriage.
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post #113 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for £55,000, or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for just £5,000.”

The man thought for a moment and decided he would just as soon have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend £55,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land and cost you only £5,000?”

The man replied,” A long ago a man died here, was buried, and on the third day he rose from the dead. I cannot take that chance.”
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post #114 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf and an egg, and a can of cat food in the cupboard. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in amazement as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day!"

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."
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post #115 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 09:23 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them so they left work for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. As he left, he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf again!"


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post #116 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-22-2015, 09:35 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husband: "Hello?"

Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

H: "What's the price?"

W: "Only $1,500.00."

H: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2016 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000..."

H: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H: "What?"

W: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and, well, I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. Remember? It's the one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property. They've lowered the price."

H: "How much are they asking for it now?"

W: "Only $450,000! That's a great price... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."

H: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000 and not a penny more, okay?"

W: "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"

H: "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up then holds the phone aloft. "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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post #117 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A guy comes home late one night and his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

He replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo??" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note on my ****" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a man get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his ****?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And four, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
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post #118 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

The missus asked me,
“When you’re on a boy’s only trip away, do you think about me?”
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.


The wife said to me last night.
“If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.


The wife came out of the bathroom and said:
“I have just shaved my ***** and you know what that means don't you”?
I said. “Yeah, the damned drain hole is blocked again”!
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post #119 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A little girl finds her dog dead, lying on his back with his legs in the air. She asks her dad why his legs are in the air, he replies "So Jesus can pick him up & take him to heaven".
The next day the girl says to her dad "Dad my mum nearly died earlier, she was on her back with her legs in the air saying Jesus I'm coming! If it wasn't for the milkman holding her down we'd have lost her too!".
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post #120 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man's wife comes home and tells him "I've just had a couple of tattoos done."

"WTF, show me!" he replied.

His wife pulls up her skirt and shows him the new tattoos on her inner thighs, one saying "Thanksgiving" and the other of a Christmas tree.

"What the hell did you do that for?" he asked.

"Well I'm tired of you saying there's nothing good to eat between thanksgiving and Christmas!" She replied.
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