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post #121 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:31 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.

And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #122 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."
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post #123 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 03:49 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity. He keeps looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, repositioning his feet and muttering to himself.

"What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" his exasperated partner exclaims.

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot," the first man replies without looking up.

"Forget it, man," his partner says, turning and calculating at the distance. "You'll never hit her from here."
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post #124 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."



She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest ****."
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post #125 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

An Amish family was in the big city for the first time. They walked along, amazed at the lights and noise. After a time they stopped in a large department store so the wife could buy some fine new fabric with which to sew a dress.

As the wife selected her fabrics, the father and son stood in the lobby, watching the hustle and bustle of people. They heard a ding and turned toward the sound and the shiny silver wall, watching in amazement as the wall moved apart, people step out, then closed again.

"What is this Father?" the son asked, his eyes wide in amazement.

"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. After a moment the ding was heard again, the walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into the small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the ding sounded, the walls opened, and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
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post #126 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 01:17 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" one asked.

"I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'? I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'now, you can do whatever you want.' So here I am."
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post #127 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 07:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman wanted to surprise her husband on his birthday. She knew her husband loved her figure, especially her large bum so she thought she would get a tattoo done on her arse for her husband to appreciate.

At the tattooists shop she was discussing what she wanted with the artist.

"I'd like "Big Bums Forever" tattooed across my bum please in fancy script" she said.

"No problem, I can do that for you, it'll cost 600 due to the amount of letters, script style and time it'll take" said the tattooist.

" That's too much. How about reducing the script to "Big Bum", with one word on each cheek"?

" I can do that for you, be around 250 for that tattoo"

"Still too much" she says. " What can you do for 50"?

The tattooist sighs and suggests that she can have the outline of a capital "B" on each cheek for 50. These initials being code for "Big Bum" between her and her husband. The woman agrees to this and has the tattoo done in good time for his birthday and is quite excited at the prospect of revealing the art work to her husband.

On the night of the revealing her husband is sat up in bed reading a book when his wife walks in wearing some sexy lingerie.

"I've got a surprise for you darling" she says. She wiggles her hips and turns round with her arse towards her husband, pulls down her knickers and bends over.

Her husband stares at her bum intently and calmly says

"That's very nice love, but who the fk is "BoB"?
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post #128 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 08:20 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I just posted this in the MEME thread, but a perfect "relationship" post ...

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post #129 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 04:03 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I think you're bad luck."
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post #130 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"

"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"

"Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died."

"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.

"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

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post #131 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 09:20 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

There were three friends in a bar, and two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives while the the third remains silent.

"You haven't said anything," one of the first two men said after a time. "Do you have any control over your wife?"

The third man nodded slowly. "On our honeymoon, I made my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged before taking another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed. "Well all right!" one cheered. "What happened next?"

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"
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post #132 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 09:39 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.

The customer says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."

"My husband wouldn't like that."

"Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."

"You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
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post #133 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 11:21 AM
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post #134 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."
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post #135 of 290 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 02:20 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

^^^ Is that called a "second opinion"?

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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