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post #1 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Jokes related to marriage

Ok, in this world where you only ever get new jokes on a screen rather than actually hearing them being told, have you got any new ones for me in the general theme marriage/relationships?

Will start you off with a few.

Pertinent for me living in Florida:

Why should they always name hurricanes after women?
Because when they arrive they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car.

For married men:

What's the similarity between lobster thermidor and a blowjob?
You don't get either at home.

What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.

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post #2 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:14 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Funny! Great thread.... Here's my contribution:


"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #3 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

One day a dad was on his way home when he suddenly remembered it was his daughter's birthday.

He stopped at a toy store and asked the clerk, "How much for one of those Barbies in the window display?"

The salesperson answered, "Which one do you mean sir?" "We have Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $269.95."

The amazed father asked, "It's what? Why are most of them only $19.95 and Divorced Barbie $269.95?"

The annoyed saleswoman rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered. "Sir.......Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, Ken's boat and one of Ken's friends.
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post #4 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:34 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #5 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 11:02 AM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

i believe the credit goes to Henny Youngman and i'm recalling from memory so i might screw it up a bit but
it's my favorite marriage joke:

"Can you believe it, iv'e been married 34 years!"

"people ask me; what's the secret to your long marriage?"

"i tell them for one, we go to a romantic candle light dinner every week".

I go on Wednesdays, and she goes on Thursdays".
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post #6 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want
a divorce!"

I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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post #7 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

An elderly couple,Denise and Jeffrey, were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 9 inches?”
“No, it’s turned black.
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post #8 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 12:16 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same.

(Oscar Wilde)

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #9 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

From Reddit (antijokes)

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.
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post #10 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 01:18 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I love antijokes.


Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #11 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
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post #12 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At about 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........”Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“'I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!......................That's a great idea!,” he exclaimed..

“Good,” she replied................”Get your own f**king blanket.”

After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.
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post #13 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 03:55 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

I like this thread. Keep em coming.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #14 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 03:59 PM
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Re: Jokes related to marriage

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
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post #15 of 290 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 04:13 PM
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