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post #61 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 07:16 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

Nobody's being looked down upon, SA. But a lot of answers I see on TAM are like a guy driving a stick shift and asking how to heel-and-toe their way around a hairpin curve and getting all kinds of answers from people driving automatics...

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post #62 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 11:55 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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Originally Posted by sidney2718 View Post
People vanish for all sorts of reasons. One is burnout. There is a lot of pain that comes through in some of the forums. And it can be hard to take in large doses.
I agree. As I understand draconis had (has) MS. I hope to God he
is in good health.

"One is burnout"

Please correct me if I am wrong but didn't Coffee Amore leave because she had enough of the very sad tales on CWI? I really respected her and her wisdom.

She is missed.
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post #63 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 03:39 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
Are we looked down upon for still being here - for posting? Maybe better to not answer this.... I actually did land here due to something I was struggling with -with my husband.. small, selfish of me & stupid as it may have been.. we worked through it , it was good. ...We realized wonderful things along the way opening more & more up with each other..

I had a member here pretty much attack me telling me my life has to be hollow & some ugly things that I spend so much time putting emoticons in my posts, why the hell am I here.. basically.. Oouch!

My husband might end up laid off soon (?) and I'll be working full time plus if so.. not posting as much.. but true.. for the past so many yrs, I've had lots of free time - while he was at work...

Truth is.. posting here early on helped divert my attention ...Where > away from porn sites...(Yeah I was very tempted!).....I think I made the right choice to throw myself into a sex forum that wasn't showing off wieners & such, when my drive exploded... I loved the more serious / articulate tone here by many members, I could get into that !!.. It helped occupy my mind, certainly more healthy over the alternative!!

Thank you TAM, you saved me from being a porn addict.. Hey, you never know why some of us land here.. ha ha.. I think a "forum junkie" is a little more respectable... don't you?
Don't sweat on it SA, you are one ace babe.

I have seen this sort of undercut here before "well if your life is so good why do you have so much time to spend on TAM", was directed at Jaquen who was one of my all time fave posters (did not agree with some of what he had to say but he said it well).

No one has to justify how much time or why they are on a forum or website.
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post #64 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:02 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

It has nothing to do with time spent and everything to do with having first hand experience of some of the issues that are not generally present in solid marriages.
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post #65 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:16 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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@SimplyAmorous don't ever change, and your post had zero emotions
SA: If you should ever decide to leave TAM, you need to have my express permission to do so!

And with that being said, you might not ever get that permission! The ardent love that you and your H deeply show for each other is truly something that I perpetually yearn to hear about, greatly to the point that I would simply be lost without hearing about it as a tried and true testamentary and as an enduring gift from God!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 05-20-2016 at 06:26 AM.
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post #66 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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It has nothing to do with time spent and everything to do with having first hand experience of some of the issues that are not generally present in solid marriages.
Quote:
There's plenty of "1% great marriage" folks in here, making the rest of us 99% marriage types wonder how they have time to devote to their own wildly successful marriages and be here offering wisdom et. al.
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post #67 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

Two different things I'm afraid...

Nice try though.
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post #68 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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It has nothing to do with time spent and everything to do with having first hand experience of some of the issues that are not generally present in solid marriages.
I read your post to my husband the other night.. .he said exactly what you said here...of course this makes sense.. many of us haven't walked in the shoes of being cheated on , or finding oneself in a "caretaker" marriage, dealing with someone depressed, mentally ill, sexless, etc..

We really don't KNOW how it would affect us and it's so EASY to say .. just Leave.. just "MAN UP".. just this.. just THAT...

I surely have more compassion on a giving spouse over one who is too busy, rejects too much, is harsh, plays silent treatment games..

But all of us have seen the fallout of others in our lives, haven't we...or still have enough empathy (hopefully) imaging being in THAT situation.. It's similar to feeling a Priest should never counsel a married couple or a woman, maybe a NUN, a single Aunt who's giving advice to her niece struggling with her children, reading to pull her hair out....

I don't feel everyone who hasn't experienced has nothing to offer though.... if they're sincerely trying to put themselves in the others shoes , that is..but yeah.. it can be misplaced..

How I would relate to that myself would be.. when others who always get pregnant VERY easily.. would try to tell me to relax -when I/we couldn't conceive.. I wanted to (mentally) punch some of them in the face.. I found it very frustrating.. they did not understand ...those were Pat answers...ya know...it wasn't this simple anyway.. turns out it was a medical thing, so no amount of relaxing was going to help me.. I needed to go under "the Knife"..

Those who encouraged me to seek help, get an Infertility work up...that was my answer.

If we can relate in small ways.. even if we didn't walk that particular journey ourselves..stay away from pat answers obviously... this has to help some ...
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post #69 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

Awesome post, SA. I really think that to fully understand what some of us are dealing with, you "have to be one of us". In the sense that you've seen the side of a marriage that isn't quite storybook good.

But that poses a different problem. Back when my wife was diagnosed with BPD I sought the well known and respected BPD forum. That was a disaster to end up all disasters. There were no "NormalPeople spouses" there, just spouses of BPD's who all thought the same way. Validate, boundaries, blah blah. Even in cases that clearly were out of scope.

Fast forward to TAM. The happy 1%'ers either:

- lucked out in the marriage lottery
- got burned once, divorced, and joined the 1% by marrying or partnering with a good person
- got burned once and never remarried
- had some relatively minor issues that were fixable via DIY or pro help
- had serious issues that were fixed via DIY or pro help

The last group has a very small number of members in my view, and really, what worked for them is too personal to work in general. I'm mostly referring to groups 1 thru 4

That's from my point of view at least. I've seen way too many people in zombie marriage situations come to TAM with heavy duty zombie marriages only to be told to "lose weight and upgrade your clothes" when the reality is far more screwed up.

The time available is peripheral - I have a pet theory about time being a fairly good predictor of LD / HD . Just like there are no atheists in the rain soaked trenches of the war front I doubt theres a lot of LD spouses staying home and taking care of the kids. Just a pet theory for now...
-
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post #70 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:08 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I read your post to my husband the other night.. .he said exactly what you said here...of course this makes sense.. many of us haven't walked in the shoes of being cheated on , or finding oneself in a "caretaker" marriage, dealing with someone depressed, mentally ill, sexless, etc..

We really don't KNOW how it would affect us and it's so EASY to say .. just Leave.. just "MAN UP".. just this.. just THAT...

I surely have more compassion on a giving spouse over one who is too busy, rejects too much, is harsh, plays silent treatment games..

But all of us have seen the fallout of others in our lives, haven't we...or still have enough empathy (hopefully) imaging being in THAT situation.. It's similar to feeling a Priest should never counsel a married couple or a woman, maybe a NUN, a single Aunt who's giving advice to her niece struggling with her children, reading to pull her hair out....

I don't feel everyone who hasn't experienced has nothing to offer though.... if they're sincerely trying to put themselves in the others shoes , that is..but yeah.. it can be misplaced..

How I would relate to that myself would be.. when others who always get pregnant VERY easily.. would try to tell me to relax -when I/we couldn't conceive.. I wanted to (mentally) punch some of them in the face.. I found it very frustrating.. they did not understand ...those were Pat answers...ya know...it wasn't this simple anyway.. turns out it was a medical thing, so no amount of relaxing was going to help me.. I needed to go under "the Knife"..

Those who encouraged me to seek help, get an Infertility work up...that was my answer.

If we can relate in small ways.. even if we didn't walk that particular journey ourselves..stay away from pat answers obviously... this has to help some ...
I generally agree with you, but I think it is even more complex. For example I'm a part time hermit. No, I don't live in a cave or anything like that, but I do need an hour or two of "down" time or "my" time a day. If I don't get it, I get somewhat short tempered or whatnot after three or four days.

What do i do with my "down" time? I read, I think about things, I listen to music and so on.

I'm not totally strange. I can spend a week with my wife travelling or visiting places or whatever. It is a new experience and I relish it. And I do spend two or three hours with my wife every day as we both need the contact time.

So if I had a problem with my wife spending time with friends the proper advice to me might be very different from that given to a non-hermit.

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post #71 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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The time available is peripheral - I have a pet theory about time being a fairly good predictor of LD / HD . Just like there are no atheists in the rain soaked trenches of the war front I doubt theres a lot of LD spouses staying home and taking care of the kids. Just a pet theory for now...
-
Hmm. Are you sure you've not got that backwards?
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post #72 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 07:11 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

As I said, pet theory. I've only found one study that looked at dual vs single income and marital sex and reported no significant difference - but there was plenty of correlation between sexual activity and career satisfaction...
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post #73 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

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Fast forward to TAM. The happy 1%'ers either:

- lucked out in the marriage lottery
- got burned once, divorced, and joined the 1% by marrying or partnering with a good person
- got burned once and never remarried
- had some relatively minor issues that were fixable via DIY or pro help
- had serious issues that were fixed via DIY or pro help

The last group has a very small number of members in my view, and really, what worked for them is too personal to work in general. I'm mostly referring to groups 1 thru 4

That's from my point of view at least. I've seen way too many people in zombie marriage situations come to TAM with heavy duty zombie marriages only to be told to "lose weight and upgrade your clothes" when the reality is far more screwed up.

The time available is peripheral - I have a pet theory about time being a fairly good predictor of LD / HD . Just like there are no atheists in the rain soaked trenches of the war front I doubt theres a lot of LD spouses staying home and taking care of the kids. Just a pet theory for now...
-
I suppose I fall into your got burned once, divorced, and joined the 1% by marrying or partnering with a good person criteria.

That said I am under no illusions that 20 years of great with some tribulation along the way, can't go wrong some time in the future.

When I got burned I was cheated on by a partner who has a mental illness, while the separation wasn't the best the divorce was extraordinarily bitter as was all that followed. As a consequence of that experience I will never knowingly choose or stay with crazy ever again.

In my experience I have enjoyed a far better marital relationship with my career wife (sans mental illness) than I did with my previous stay at home mum first wife.

That said if I ever have to face a broken marriage again I know I can pick myself up again, dust myself off and quite happily press on.

As to many of the train wreck relationships that appear on TAM, I don't think any of them can be fixed by losing weight or dressing better. The sad fact for most of them is they can't (and probably shouldn't) be fixed at all.

P.S. It is a misnomer to believe that the trenches of the war front doesn't have it's share of atheists as well.
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post #74 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 10:10 PM
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Re: TAMers who have gone "missing"...

Your second to last paragraph is pretty much what it's all about...
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post #75 of 150 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 01:00 AM
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