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post #91 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-05-2016, 10:09 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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As far as not being into a conversation, that is typically having to deal with small talk. Would it be better if I was just rude and told the person to buggar off? Anyone who does not enjoy small talk I believe can understand this.
I'm not much on small talk myself, and there are other types of talk that is annoying too.

There was a new woman hired where I work, and as soon as she walks in the room, her mouth is moving, and she likes to make mundane events seem dramatic. She must be a conversation expert, because she speaks in a way that requires others to participate. She will walk into a room and say something like, "Well you won't believe what happened in the cafeteria." Then, instead of just telling the story, she will pause so someone will ask, "What happened?"
It's always some nothing story that I could have lived without hearing.

Then there are times when she will suddenly just burst into laughter and say something like, "Well, I got tickled at something I was thinking about." Of course, there is a pause so all of us people who are super interested can ask, "What were you thinking about?" Ugg.

The thing is, I can't find a single thing that makes her a bad person; she's nice and seems to have a good heart, but her constant talking drives everyone up the wall!


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post #92 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Ah Oscar Wilde. Thanks for the quote but it’s not really accurate for me. I’m pretty much myself wherever I go and don’t need a mask to be honest or speak my truth.

I’m a lot of things, but insincere is not one of them.

I think my “chattiness” here has more to do with the medium of expression (written word) versus conventional daily interactions (verbal). My social anxiety hinders me when I speak. Even still I always speak my mind and am true to myself.


Oh I didn't mean to imply that you (or anyone else) was insincere.

Really, what I was getting at, is that all these internet forums are masks.

People can don a username and an avatar, and suddenly are much more forthcoming about who they are and what they really feel.

This thread is proof; I'm stymied to thing of EllisRedding or FaithfulWife as being introverted irl. But there you have it. The magic of the worldwide internet webs allows a different persona to flourish.

I've also always liked the masked lady in your elegant avatar.
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post #93 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 06:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Oh I didn't mean to imply that you (or anyone else) was insincere.

Really, what I was getting at, is that all these internet forums are masks.

People can don a username and an avatar, and suddenly are much more forthcoming about who they are and what they really feel.

This thread is proof; I'm stymied to thing of EllisRedding or FaithfulWife as being introverted irl. But there you have it. The magic of the worldwide internet webs allows a different persona to flourish.

I've also always liked the masked lady in your elegant avatar.
Lol, I will say though per the bolded I would look at the other side of it. Yes, the internet allows some people to be their alter egos, very true. However, on the other hand, it also allows people to be exactly who they are. Traditionally, in order to socialize you needed to physically go out there. Someone who is an introvert, or let's say has social anxiety, doing this actually puts them in a position where they are guarded and you could argue not really the person they are. It is not that they don't want to socialize per se, just that the means of socializing doesn't always align well with them. Via the internet, it is easier for a more "accurate" persona to be seen since some of these "constraints" are lessened.

Now that being said, the person I am here on TAM is pretty much spot on how I am out in the real world (as far at the virtual world, not quite sure yet, need to experiment with that one ).

Also, thanks to the clocks going back an hour I have been up since 4:30am watching tv shows lol
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post #94 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 07:03 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

@EllisRedding

You said it better than me. Yes, the "persona" we assume on internet forums is actually our authentic selves; which, let's face it we *cannot* fully express in real life. Well, I can't. I mean, come on, who would reveal their thoughts on some of these loaded topics like sex and marriage and politics to people at work? Or reveal them to family members; especially family members---what a minefield.

And that is what is so enjoyable. People can "speak" their mind without the fear of censure.

I prefer "fall back"; it's "spring forward" I hate.
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post #95 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 07:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@EllisRedding

You said it better than me. Yes, the "persona" we assume on internet forums is actually our authentic selves; which, let's face it we *cannot* fully express in real life. Well, I can't. I mean, come on, who would reveal their thoughts on some of these loaded topics like sex and marriage and politics to people at work? Or reveal them to family members; especially family members---what a minefield.

And that is what is so enjoyable. People can "speak" their mind without the fear of censure.

I prefer "fall back"; it's "spring forward" I hate.
People can "speak" their mind through MEMES, that is the true beauty of the internet

I enjoy fall back as well. The fact that I was up at 4:30am today just means normally I would have been up at 5:30am, on a Sunday, on my day off lol. Always been a morning person, spring forward kills me b/c of this. Getting up at 3-4am when your body thinks it is an hour earlier then that, fooey!
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post #96 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Our 1st son just showed up here.. I explained that post I just wrote.. he told me that was more of a "stupid / smart" argument not an optimist / pessimist argument... he has a more optimistic personality too... but he'd never waste his money... so he felt in that situation his pessimistic brother was just smarter...

I still feel I am more of a Pessimist by nature.... but I'm not a huge downer.. I simply MUST envision all the obstacles to a situation before I go for it.. I need a plan...I don't want surprises that are going to derail my efforts and set me on a detour.. this would really pi$$ me off...then I'd be extremely grouchy kicking myself to why I didn't foresee these things coming...

I also don't want to think too highly of myself and be deluded...haven't we met others who think they are "all that".. the world revolves around them...and really many do not even like them...I guess I'd rather know the sorry truth...and deal with it... better to not lie to ourselves... but then that is being more of a realist I guess..

There was poster here - his name was "OptimisticPessimist"...I just loved that...maybe that is more fitting....

I definitely come off as more of a bubbly person in real life... my husband is a very pleasant man, even if he is not generally the one to start a conversation.... hard to explain some of this... I guess a pessimist personality does not bother me if they are friendly/ kind..(if all they do is complain, rant & whine.. that would be obnoxious)... if you met us in real life ( @jld & husband would know this)....you'd not come away with the impression we were pessimists...maybe in very small ways.. this would come through.. but over all... we're very open/ friendly.. engaging types...if we are comfortable -that is...
Absolutely true. A lovely couple with a lovely family.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #97 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

I'm enjoying reading this thread. There's sliding scales to these things and while I think we can lean towards certain preferences, the labels we give ourselves can keep us attached to that persona. I do it too, of course! Taking the quiz now, I'm an ENFJ 'The Protagonist' ....I'm an extrovert for the thread (and previously ENFP). I'll share that I LOVE hosting. Our home now really lends to hosting and I'm letting that side of my personality out in full force! What I enjoy is the planning; whose coming, what they might need, fun decorative details, connecting with friends, sharing in good food and good times. When we first started hosting, our friends didn't know each other. The conversations initially tend to start with 'How do you know Batman and Hearts?' and flow from there. Another time it can be straight into solid topics. The magic in group dynamics is the blend of different personality types.

At the last shindig we hosted, they were discussing suggestions among themselves for when we host the next one and said to each other 'See you next time!' To play into the stereotypes though, it's the extroverts that have already exchanged numbers ha ha.

The issue with hosting though is being in and out of conversations. That's where the one-to-one coffee catch ups or dinners are needed. For me the deeper connections happen in person in that more intimate way. The shindigs are the fun sprinkles. While I may be considered extroverted, I can be quietly reserved at times until opening up. Other times, I'm immediately open. Sometimes it's how I feel, sometimes it's reading the social scenario, sometimes both.

Attending a parade with friends, I said 'We should put together costumes and be in the parade next year!' Friend looked at me horrified and said she couldn't imagine anything worse. She likes costumes and being creative so I was surprised and asked why. She said 'Because despite appearances, I'm an introvert!'

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #98 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 05:35 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@EllisRedding

You said it better than me. Yes, the "persona" we assume on internet forums is actually our authentic selves; which, let's face it we *cannot* fully express in real life. Well, I can't. I mean, come on, who would reveal their thoughts on some of these loaded topics like sex and marriage and politics to people at work? Or reveal them to family members; especially family members---what a minefield.

And that is what is so enjoyable. People can "speak" their mind without the fear of censure.

I prefer "fall back"; it's "spring forward" I hate.
Despite being here and posting, I feel the opposite to this much of the time.

It's much easier for me to express thoughts, feelings and opinions, and connect and be vulnerable in person.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #99 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 05:43 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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It's much easier for me to express thoughts, feelings and opinions, and connect and be vulnerable in person.
I'm jealous
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post #100 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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I'm jealous
I don't mean to be a punk saying that... more that I can feel awkward in this medium, is all.


Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #101 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 06:41 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

I don't think this is so much an introvert thing as it is just a "me" thing.

I dont consider myself to be a friendly person. I prefer not to talk to strangers unless I absolutely have to. However, I can easily talk to someone who is in a crisis.

I find small talk and chit chat annoying. Like, must leave the room because it's just as annoying to me as hearing someone chew with their mouth open. It feels superficial and fake. I can't explain my visceral reaction.

A deep conversation of substance, I can totally get behind. Come at me with some problem, or tell me something meaningful about you as a person, and I'll sit right down and talk to you for hours.

Most people don't come out of the gate speaking like that to strangers, and bristle when the stranger tries to get to the point too quickly. Work environments thrive on superficial chats about the weather or the last game. So I often choose to avoid strangers rather than speak when given the chance.

My problem has been that I am quick to dismiss someone if they seem to have nothing of substance to offer after a short amount of time.
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post #102 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 08:18 PM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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The question to me is...why would anyone agree to go somewhere & hang out where they knew they would hate every minute of it .. Just to save face ??

I am more inclined to ask someone if they'd enjoy something, before I would invite them..... hopefully they will at least be truthful ....I generally don't reach out much to others....I'd rather them come to me.. probably because I am aware that others are like this and I can't stand the idea of someone just "going along" when they have no interest or want to be there.. that's "ugly" to me... I'd feel very hurt to know they felt this way...

I myself...I've never been afraid to say.. "nope.. not my thing, don't want to go", or try to find some sort of compromise we'd both enjoy", if I could.... A GF wanted us to go to a bar to see her boyfriend play , he's in a band.... the place was called "Bucket of blood"... lots of shady characters go there, husband had some stories... to us.. that would be a night of dread....we knew it...so I told her...that just wasn't our scene, mentioned a couple things he said even.... but we did go another time to a different bar...
I'm not usually bothered by turning something down; however, at my workplace, there is always a few gatherings every year among staff. Nobody gets a personal invitation, but it's just announced to everyone, and the host is always so excited. I guess they just assume that everyone will be super excited, so they don't think that it might not be everyone's cup of tea. Being an introvert can't really be explained to people who aren't, so I will attend one from time to time just to appear friendly. It's not like it's a horrible experience anyway, but not something I crave either.

I don't mind events so much as I mind the expectations of others for you to participate in something. Sometimes, I actually prefer larger crowds because it puts less attention on me and I can just hang out.

Here is an example. I live in a rural area, and there are colleges of various sizes in my area. There are some colleges that have smaller classes, and I hear people talk about how they love the small classes because it seems so homey and everybody gets to know each other so well, including the professor; there is a lot of participation in the classes. Personally, I would rather walk into a class of 200 students; that way, the participation level is going to be low. The professor lectures, and I can sit and take notes until time to leave.

One textbook characteristic of introverts is that being around crowds is not relaxing or a means of unwinding; it burns energy. I have noticed that I often feel more relaxed even after leaving a group of close friends. I always have Christmas dinner with my cousins and a few other close people. I enjoy it really well, and I'm not counting the minutes until i can leave, but I notice that I'm not sad when i have to leave either. Once I get home, it seems soooo relaxing to just get on the sofa, turn on the tv, and relax.

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post #103 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 07:15 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Here is an example. I live in a rural area, and there are colleges of various sizes in my area. There are some colleges that have smaller classes, and I hear people talk about how they love the small classes because it seems so homey and everybody gets to know each other so well, including the professor; there is a lot of participation in the classes. Personally, I would rather walk into a class of 200 students; that way, the participation level is going to be low. The professor lectures, and I can sit and take notes until time to leave.
I can see this both ways... depends on the situation which I would prefer...keeps coming back to what I said earlier....IF I like the people in the small group.. I would rather it be a small group... I flourish well, the discussions are deeper, more meaningful generally, very enjoyable.... but I would dread if it was a group of people I didn't care for ... We've all met people who RUB us the wrong way.. we think to ourselves "that's not someone I'd want to get to know"... what if they were all talking about partying , getting plastered the night before... Of course it shouldn't be this way in a college class, though it could be at the beginning when they 1st come together.. seems to be a popular past time for many.... I would simply have nothing to offer in those conversations...I'd be thinking "Gawd let me out of here!"...

It's like my husband being in a room with a bunch of football fans... what'd he have to say...he could care less about the Steelers, the Browns, any of them.

I used to belong to a Mops group..about 30 of us women.. we'd break up in smaller groups. I DID enjoy this very very much.. I got to know these women more so by having deeper / more personal discussions... but there were many women there I liked, had many things in common with.. we were all Moms with younger children.. coming from mostly a christian background...

When I read the things You say @southbound and @EllisRedding ...it gives me pause.. because we don't know if someone is possibly SHY and wants to be around others .. or they just genuinely LIKE TO BE ALONE.. like "please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you or anyone else, but sit here in my dark corner & observe".

I have been SHY in my life, more so in high school (a lot of things going on at home).. sometimes I WANTED others to approach me, include me.. I always felt somewhat of an underdog really.. As I have grown older...I feel I've picked up some confidence... that I CAN often be the leader in starting a conversation, and be dang good at it too, to make others feel comfortable, bringing them out of their shells.. ... but still I am cautious about that...I don't readily jump in.. I try to read cues on others 1st ....

At my Job, some employees just didn't seem to smile, I was the new kid on the block... when I was "one on one" with these types.. It was more ME who initiated some talking.... and I'd find they weren't so bad after all.. I got them to smile, to laugh...but if I just sat there.. we'd probably never have said a word to each other... now to me that is incredibly boring, a little talking, something.. just makes work more enjoyable, doesn't it ? I don't mean slacking on the job by any means... that's something I would frown upon...but yeah... some conversation..it's good.. it makes the time go faster !


Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
Despite being here and posting, I feel the opposite to this much of the time.

It's much easier for me to express thoughts, feelings and opinions, and connect and be vulnerable in person.
I feel as you Hearts.... with those I am close to... my neighbor, friends we've had tea with, known since high school sort of thing... those in my Mops group (I got a reputation there that will go down in history.. if I am around, sex comes up ! ha ha)... but yeah.. none would be surprised to find me yaking on this forum so openly.. heck even with my step Mom... her & my dad would be joking to take it easy on my husband, not to kill him- with ...& we'd all laugh... what can you do.. it is what it is..

When I was going through something..I wanted to hear from other women .. did you go through this too?? so that let the cat out of the bag.. there was no going back...I am quiet on FB...very few posts.. .but in person.. on a forum like this, why not.. that's WHO we really are.. but true.. in real life... we should be cautious who we Open up with, what all we share - some may use it against us ...best reserved for close friends...those we've built lasting relationships with ..

Sometimes it may be better for me to NOT be so comfortable.. this holds my mouth back.. ha ha I've felt this way in school.. there was a year I was feeling pretty good, more confident... I was more naturally outgoing, OPEN, boisterous in class.... even causing some disturbance ... I almost got time after school once.. .but those were some good times!
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post #104 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@EllisRedding

You said it better than me. Yes, the "persona" we assume on internet forums is actually our authentic selves; which, let's face it we *cannot* fully express in real life. Well, I can't. I mean, come on, who would reveal their thoughts on some of these loaded topics like sex and marriage and politics to people at work? Or reveal them to family members; especially family members---what a minefield.

And that is what is so enjoyable. People can "speak" their mind without the fear of censure.

I prefer "fall back"; it's "spring forward" I hate.
I'll say the exact same things I say here to friends and family. Sometimes, I'm even more blunt and opinionated because I know them personally where I am a little more cautious here because I don't know the rl situation and only have the typed words of one party involved to go by.

Somewhere in my early 30's I had a life changing moment. I realized that, when I fail to express my true thoughts and feelings, I make it impossible for people to know and love me. By censoring, the people around me only know and like a part of me, a construct, but not the actual me. So, I stopped censoring.

I hate "spring forward" and "fall back". My American Bulldog has a very accurate internal clock. Dinner is at 6:30 pm on the dot and at that time of day Ike will bark for someone to get up and feed the dogs. He will not stop until they get fed because he is a stubborn bulldog in all his "I know it's dinner time!" glory. My job is to out stubborn him and NOT give in. It takes a week or two for him to adjust to time changes.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #105 of 168 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 08:10 AM
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Re: Random Thoughts Of An Introvert

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Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
.

I find small talk and chit chat annoying. Like, must leave the room because it's just as annoying to me as hearing someone chew with their mouth open. It feels superficial and fake. I can't explain my visceral reaction.

A deep conversation of substance, I can totally get behind. Come at me with some problem, or tell me something meaningful about you as a person, and I'll sit right down and talk to you for hours.
I'm like this too. I can't stand small talk and will often just detach and walk away. Have been called a b!tch more than once for this! LOL.

My husband and I once talked about this, and he being an extrovert could not at all understand where I was coming from. Small talk is how you break the ice, he kept saying, how you get to know people. First you chat about nothing, then you can move to more serious subjects. It's fun to socialize, according to him, and what you talk about is irrelevant.

No, says I. Chit chat is like torture and is not at all how you get to know someone. It's just a meaningless mask of pleasantry that sucks the very life out of me. You get to know people by talking about real things not about boring and superficial crap.
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