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post #31 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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I wish I was as perfect as you.
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Trying to help you, but I think I will give up.

Do you normally attack people who are trying to support you? I want you to be confident and not caring.

You cannot avoid criticism and disapproval of relatives. We all have to deal with it.
Why do you see the above as an attack?

I'm sorry I offended you. I was trying to help as I have read your other threads.

If I was perfect I would have known what to write to make you feel better. I find your antagonism towards me really odd. But I don't know the full story. Have a happy new year and I hope things improve for you.


Last edited by peacem; 01-04-2017 at 04:06 AM.
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post #32 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: I got baby shamed

Maybe since they are family, they feel like they can say these rude things to you? I think it's very rude and hurtful. For all they know, you could be suffering from fertility issues and haven't disclosed that information. They have no idea. I'm sorry you had to go through that. And for those that are saying to get a stiff upper lip and not to be so sensitive, that's easier said than done. If they were mere friends or even strangers, that's a different story. But this is your family. It can cut to the Core. It is absolutely none of their business unless and until you decide it becomes their business.
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post #33 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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This might sounds judgmental and mean but I'm venting so I'm sorry...

I went home for Christmas to my small hometown. I am always the odd one out and I always feel judged. I look around... they are all fat, uneducated, and trashy. (Yes this is mean). Like they gave up on life I swear it's so depressing. Anyway... they always make it very obvious that they think I'm a freakin geriatric and should of had babies already and I need to be really careful now that I'm a freakin geriatric. I'm 30. I know they are ignorant, I know they are wrong, but When I go back home I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Wow!!! Your 30!!! Geez (judgmental face). You don't have kids yet!!

I'm surprised you don't know better being in the health care field, it's very risky to wait that long.

Oh i actually do know better, women can have children safely in their 30s and 40s now and days as long as their in good health. I'm surprised you don't know that morbid obesity is not good for your health.
My mother had three of us and was almost 40 when the last one was born. My wife birthed the healthiest little baby at 30 with just a nurse, a CNM, and me in the room. None of that five nurses and two doctors business.

It's not personal. The way you describe their health habits, it actually would be advisable for them to be done having kids early and reduce the risk of GDM.

My wife texted asking me if I was sitting down, and I knew what was coming next.

New Dads group

Last edited by ExiledBayStater; 01-04-2017 at 08:35 PM. Reason: added emphasis
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post #34 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:43 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Why do you see the above as an attack?

I'm sorry I offended you. I was trying to help as I have read your other threads.

If I was perfect I would have known what to write to make you feel better. I find your antagonism towards me really odd. But I don't know the full story. Have a happy new year and I hope things improve for you.
I'm sorry Katie, but I fully agree with peacem on this. I too have read your many threads. This is not about a small town of obese uneducated people. This is about your self-esteem. Please don't get defensive - just think about it.

If you truly believe these people are worthless, uneducated, and not to be respected, then why on earth do you care one bit about what they say? That is true whether they are your family, friends, ex-classmates, etc.

I am certainly not perfect and like you, I am a healthcare professional from a VERY small town in the Midwest where most people are not educated and do not have much life experience beyond what they have experienced in the town. At times it has bothered me when my family would make comments about how I lived my life, when I decided to have children (first one at 30 years old, last/fourth one when I was in my mid-forties and she died). But I came to realize after years that this really was on ME. These people probably are envious in a way, and they may be going out of their way to make you feel like you are doing something unacceptable simply because it's not a choice that they have (and by your reaction, it seems it is working). And/or, they may just be ignorant to another way of living life.

Take the loving parts of your family, leave the rest. Unless they hate you and are purposefully cruel, the reasons for this do not have to do with you. Recognize that. The reasons have to do with them.

Enjoy the things that are GOOD about that small town. I went back to my small town for Christmas too, and I have never had a better time in my life.

Katie, if you don't like your life (and it's clear that you don't), then change it. It's within your power to do so. What anyone else thinks is of NO consequence, and should not bother you for even one second. The fact that it bothers you enough to post a thread about it means to me that you feel "less than" to these people, and you have given them the power to make you feel that way. Come on Katie. No one can "shame" you about ANYTHING unless you let them.

Whatever you decide to do with your life - stay with your husband, divorce, etc - make sure it is the decision that is right for YOU. If you continue this resentment towards him (whatever the reason is), you will never be happy and you will never heal from this. If you can't learn to respect YOU enough such that you don't give a f^ck what other people think of your personal decisions, then you will never be content. Be true to YOU. You owe NO ONE any explanations, except your husband if you choose to divorce him. Please find yourself Katie - I hope you do. I'm not being critical, as it took me a long time too.

But life is short and time is going by.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #35 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 12:05 AM Thread Starter
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I got baby shamed

Sorry @Hope Shimmers I just don't agree with you.
I don't have self esteem issues. I was venting. Families and in laws can be annoying, it's not that serious, I'm allowed to vent about the ignorance of my family.
I am doing what I want. I just graduated. I am so happy I accomplished my goal. My husband has 6 months till he is done with residency... there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sorry but you don't know me, and your stretching. You know half the story. I like most people post about the bad things in my marriage, not the good. You are reading one very skewed side.
Trust me I am very aware of MY issues. I am moody and emotional AF but I don't have self esteem issues. My unhappiness is situational. Once my husband stops working 100 hrs a week I know things will get better.

Your entitled to your own opinion. Half the people on TAM are divided with how they feel about me and my situation. But people need to realize that what people post on TAM is a tiny glimpse of someone's life.
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post #36 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 12:38 AM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Sorry @Hope Shimmers I just don't agree with you.
I don't have self esteem issues. I was venting. Families and in laws can be annoying, it's not that serious, I'm allowed to vent about the ignorance of my family.
I am doing what I want. I just graduated. I am so happy I accomplished my goal. My husband has 6 months till he is done with residency... there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sorry but you don't know me, and your stretching. You know half the story. I like most people post about the bad things in my marriage, not the good. You are reading one very skewed side.
Trust me I am very aware of MY issues. I am moody and emotional AF but I don't have self esteem issues. My unhappiness is situational. Once my husband stops working 100 hrs a week I know things will get better.

Your entitled to your own opinion. Half the people on TAM are divided with how they feel about me and my situation. But people need to realize that what people post on TAM is a tiny glimpse of someone's life.
Of course you don't agree with me. I would have been shocked if you did.

And of COURSE I don't know you. Because that's how you arranged it. What I know is what everyone else here knows, because it's what you share. So please be careful when suggesting that people who you agree with, know you better. We all know you the same. Your side.

You choose how to respond to the members here. Just because you may like some responses more than others, does not make them more valid. Just makes them more valued by you.

I'm 52 years old by the way, so I have been there and done that.

It is always a one-sided glimpse upon someone else's life when posting on a forum. I am glad you realize that too.

Once your husband stops working 100 hours a week, there will be new problems that take that place. Guarantee it. Lived it.

And you know it. And I know it. I'm a physician (not a cardiothoracic surgeon though, like your husband), but I did go through the old days when we worked 100+ hours in residency training for years on end.

Katie, you don't want to hear anyone who says what you aren't ready to hear. That's okay. One day you will realize the truth of it. I don't need to "know" you more than to read all of your threads, in order to generate my opinion. It is clear to me that you have self-esteem issues, but until you admit it and change it, nothing will change.

But you keep going forward as you are. Don't bother listening to anyone who might have been in your exact shoes ten or twenty years ago. Because hey, what could someone like me possibly know.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

Last edited by Hope Shimmers; 01-05-2017 at 12:47 AM.
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post #37 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 12:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

I don't get all the hostility.
Of course there will be problems, there always is.

I don't appreciate when I post something, and people use it like ammo to prove their agenda or completely twist it to prove what they THINK is true. I was venting about my family. It wasn't that serious. And now that post gets twisted into I have low self esteem, I need to find myself if I ever want to be happy, I clearly don't like my life, I continue resenting my husband, I don't respect myself. It's absolutely crazy.

I am true to myself. I'm not going to divorce my husband like you clearly want me to.
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post #38 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 01:49 AM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I don't get all the hostility.
Of course there will be problems, there always is.

I don't appreciate when I post something, and people use it like ammo to prove their agenda or completely twist it to prove what they THINK is true. I was venting about my family. It wasn't that serious. And now that post gets twisted into I have low self esteem, I need to find myself if I ever want to be happy, I clearly don't like my life, I continue resenting my husband, I don't respect myself. It's absolutely crazy.

I am true to myself. I'm not going to divorce my husband like you clearly want me to.
It's okay Katie. I'm not sure if you are referring to me here - Just experience that I hoped to share, and that I would have wished someone to share with me in the same position.

I have no agenda. I don't have any preconceived ideas of what is "true". I know there are always two sides to a story. But I hear your pain in your threads, and it resonates with me, because I felt it too. Don't dismiss that.

I want you to be happy. There was no hostility meant. I will bow out of your threads from here on out.

I hope someday you will be willing to hear from someone like me.

-- Hope

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

Last edited by Hope Shimmers; 01-05-2017 at 01:57 AM.
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post #39 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 06:01 AM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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@Kivlor it's smarter to have kids when you are ready. That's the bottom line. Life is full of would-of, could-of, should-ofs. We all do the best we can and we may not be where we planned we would be, life doesn't go according to plan all the times.

For me... it's smarter for me to finish my degree before having kids. And I just graduated. Now I'm planning on trying as soon as I pass my boards. So yes, it is smarter for me to do so.
In your opening post, you nailed it: they are ignorant and judgmental. While they are trapped in a mundane, conventional life at an early age, you have taken a different path. Perhaps a harder one in some ways, but you have options they won't for years - if ever. Unless you are full of regrets that you didn't do the same, then enjoy your ability to choose and do, and flaunt being fabulous instead. Their sour grapes may actually be from jealousy, and their petty judgments are the expression of that - and perhaps ignorance of a wider world.

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post #40 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 08:54 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

I've been baby shamed constantly since we got married katie, I totally feel your frustration. It literally started the day after our wedding. I'm 31. Being fed up about it has nothing to do with low self esteem. It's ******* annoying to have people down your throat about it and judging you. I hate going to family events because I know there will be 3-4 people there who will harp on me about getting pregnant. My best friend from my home town will harp on me without fail every time we talk. She's my age and already has 3 kids, but doesn't work. Every time someone has a baby, there will be several people who will tell me "Now it's your turn!". They get especially judgmental because my husband is 44. They guilt me that he will have such a big age difference from the kids we'll have. Well duh, I met him when he was 38 that was always going to be the case.

But I always wanted to get into a good place career wise first. I'm not looking to become a SAHM. Just ignore them.

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post #41 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 11:09 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

These are the same type of people that would shame you if you had a baby when you were too young. They will shame you for being too tall, too short, too smart, too stupid, too... on and on. Ignore and move on I guess :/

never knowingly appropriate
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post #42 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

I'm a parent to 5 kids. As someone with 5 I'll tell you this:

Your reproductive system resides in YOUR body. No one else but you has the right to that system, it belongs to you. No one has the right to shame you, degrade you or look down on you for what you do with your body.

Your body, your choice. The rest is just white noise that doesn't deserve your time and effort.

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post #43 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I don't get all the hostility.
Of course there will be problems, there always is.

I don't appreciate when I post something, and people use it like ammo to prove their agenda or completely twist it to prove what they THINK is true. I was venting about my family. It wasn't that serious. And now that post gets twisted into I have low self esteem, I need to find myself if I ever want to be happy, I clearly don't like my life, I continue resenting my husband, I don't respect myself. It's absolutely crazy.

I am true to myself. I'm not going to divorce my husband like you clearly want me to.
If you're not posting for advice then why don't you put the words JUST VENTING in the title and specify that you don';t want anyone to give you advice??? You do a LOT of 'just venting' on here. You've been told by myriad people that you have issues, and every time you just take your ball and run. You've called YOURSELF 'emotionally fvcked up' and said the only reason you're with your husband, whom you really can't stand, is to get kids from him. Yet you are also constantly backtracking when people call you out about DOING anything. You just want to talk about everyone else and how bad THEY are but not face your own shortcomings.

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Why would I divorce him now. I'm in my 30s without kids and I am emotionally f*cked up. Which to be honest I probably was before I even met him. Why get divorced now, take time to heal, maybe find a guy, whose will more than likely have issues too. Maybe get married, maybe have kids, maybe be alone for life.

Or stay in this marriage. Harden myself and become like him and start to use him. I can have kids, which I will be able to raise myself because he won't be there which is good. Use his money to hire house keepers, and whatever I want. Hang out with friends and family. Then if and when I can't take it anymore I can divorce him. This will guarantee I have kids (which is important to me), give him a chance to change. If he doesn't I still might end up better anyway bc I will have kids and a great alimony check.
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post #44 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 08:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

Ok I didn't think I'd have to explain this but I guess I do...

Venting is therapeutic. Venting opens up for discussion and dialogue. As a women, its feels good to talk about something, and get understanding, learn from other people etc.
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post #45 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 10:59 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

I got baby shamed twice today. Made me think of this thread lol.

First I was on my way to my aunt's and talking to my mom in the car (Bluetooth). I was telling her about the house we just bought. Sure enough I get a "I hope next comes a baby!". I've told my mom over and over again for years now, I don't want to hear it. I've even yelled at her. Still doesn't shut up about it.

Then my husband and I were having dinner with my aunt and uncle. My aunt then asked how our cats were doing, who we adopted a few months ago. Of course it was a trick question, she despises animals. When I said they were doing great, she responded very harshly "You need to get rid of the cats and have kids already". I swear I was ready to scream at that point.

Last edited by Celes; 01-06-2017 at 11:23 PM.
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