I got baby shamed - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
The Social Spot Talk About Whatever.

User Tag List

 79Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,467
Re: I got baby shamed

Hahaha people have one a track mind GRANDKIDS lol

katiecrna is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:10 AM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,418
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Hahaha people have one a track mind GRANDKIDS lol
Grandkids are overrated 😁
john117 is offline  
post #48 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 589
Re: I got baby shamed

You were not "shamed". People expressed their opinions and you felt shame. There's a big difference. In the former, you take the role of helpless victim. In the latter you have have a great opportunity to explore your own feelings and gain insight.

You choose who you want to be.
zookeeper is offline  
 
post #49 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:40 AM
Member
 
lucy999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Brownbackistan
Posts: 1,863
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celes View Post
I got baby shamed twice today. Made me think of this thread lol.

First I was on my way to my aunt's and talking to my mom in the car (Bluetooth). I was telling her about the house we just bought. Sure enough I get a "I hope next comes a baby!". I've told my mom over and over again for years now, I don't want to hear it. I've even yelled at her. Still doesn't shut up about it.

Then my husband and I were having dinner with my aunt and uncle. My aunt then asked how our cats were doing, who we adopted a few months ago. Of course it was a trick question, she despises animals. When I said they were doing great, she responded very harshly "You need to get rid of the cats and have kids already". I swear I was ready to scream at that point.
This is ridiculous!!!!! I am SO mad for you.
lucy999 is offline  
post #50 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 02:37 PM
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,870
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
But it was my husbands other cousin who had her first baby in high school, has 4 and she's 33, obese, struggles with money, has no career, job hops. Herself and her husband look like their 50, you can see their struggle on their face and she's the biggest culprit baby shaming me.
What exactly did she say to you.. I am just curious to interpret the exchange.. how did you respond to her ??

Here is the thing .... you obviously have MORE going for you....the education, a husband who will be a surgeon..you've done it all right, worked much harder for where you are... you are probably very attractive also .. so why do you allow this to bother you.. you surely wouldn't want to be her !

I don't know...the things you are ranting about here hit a little close to home for me -as a poster here...I am one of those who wanted kids YOUNG, I wanted to find my soul mate , marry young and ride out our lives in a small town, that's where my heart is at .. YIKES !@# I didn't get an education after I graduated... Gawd.. I should probably be depressed with so little to look forward to in life..

Quote:
I live in NYC. I see older women having kids all the time. They look young, their active, there is more of a balance imo. They h e their own life they are their own person and they also have kids and a family. In my small town it seems women rush to get married, have kids, then they are all fat, miserable, and struggling. (This is obviously just my small area I'm from), but the point is it's Day and night coming from NYC and going back to that small town. I want to kill myself when I'm there it's depressing
It would be a such a better world if we were all more careful to understand where another is coming from before we open our mouths -to how something may be "received".....to know this may offend or that is uncalled for.. . better to just ask about someone's life, maybe what they do, or their hobbies and never ever assume they care or want what we do.. (we women can be so very different - great education on that just reading here)....

Sadly, even without comments, and just asking open ended questions - even this can irritate some people.. like it's "none of your business".. so it's a dance.. a risk to making social talk with a group of people you don't enjoy or feel included with .. it can go both ways....

I feel the pressure from Modern society, various posts on this forum, opinions that I need to BE MORE.. DO MORE... have more ambition.. like I could never be "enough" ...I'm just a boring old Mom ... I don't really feel this way.. but I know others look at some of us LIKE THIS.. and it's demeaning.. like we have no life. Thinking out of the box - it may help ME understand what my value is , but that just makes me want to crawl under a rock.. and I wouldn't feel I had anything to talk about with someone like you.. I'd allow the superiors to lead all those conversations...as I would cringe if anyone talked about me like you are talking about these women..

Not that they didn't have attitude.. I am sure they did.. and that's a shame... that you went away feeling like this..
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #51 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,467
I got baby shamed

I understand what your saying. I accidentally offend some people while looking for comfort in those that agree with me while shaming the others while I seek comfort from those that shame me. I acknowledge the hypocrisy in this.
My intention is never to make anyone feel bad about who they are and what their goals and beliefs are and I realize I have done this. I felt and was shamed by them, and I hate when people make me or anyone else bad or less about who they are so my venting to gain comfort and understanding ended up doing exactly what they did to me. And I am sorry about that and I 100% did not mean it.

When I come home, there are very obviously fundamental differences and beliefs between me and my husband and our families. I don't mean it to be or worse but for sure there is an obvious difference. So to my, I try not to get into conversation about things that are different, and if I do which always ends up happening I try my best not to make it personal and offend people. I try to stay factual and not personal. His cousin made it personal, when it could have been just difference of opinions.

What exactly did she say?
Well we were sitting at the table with her and her 2 young daughters (15, 9). And we were just talking about other family members having kids. And she was saying how this one family member(27 yo) isn't waiting after she gets married to get pregnant because OBVIOUSLY she is getting really up there in age. She said this with judgement and attitude. I said, yea she is still young but of course that all depends on how many kids you want and your fertility blah blah. Than her 7 year old said, mommy isnt the perfect age to have kids is around 26? And her mom answered yes. Then the cousin said to me... your 27 right? And I said no I'm 30. Right away she had a look of disgust across her face and said omg your 30!! She looked like I just pulled a rabbit out of my hat, she couldn't believe it. Then she went on to say she is surprised from someone who works in health care how I CAN ACTUALLY wait that long to have kids. All in total attitude judgmental tone. I just said calmly, I know that is places like this that is abnormal. Come where I live, women have children later in life, in their 30s and that is the norm. The conversation then changed.

Which I did not want to make her feel bad about her choices. Even though she got pregnant in high school. I could have thrown shade at her like she did to me, but I kept it from getting personal and just stated a fact.
katiecrna is offline  
post #52 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,473
Re: I got baby shamed

@katiecrna



I got the impression that it hurt you to go back home at a family-oriented season like Christmas; and sense disapproval and unacceptance from your relatives. These are the people that, typically, we hope will love and support us.


I wouldn't count on that being the case. And I know it hurts.


You've achieved a great deal. Anyone who can't see that and focus on it, and congratulate you---has a problem.

"The nail that stands out gets banged down", or something to that effect.

It's great to have kids and a family young if that's what you want and you can afford to support them. People who are happy with their choice to have kids, never feel the need to insult people who don't have kids. At least, that's what I've noticed. They are totally cool with other people not having kids yet; or ever having kids.

Those who are very resentful about having kids; and how it has crimped their lifestyle; are usually very angry and judgmental of people that didn't have kids, or who have fewer kids, or who delay having kids until they are more successful.


Understandable, perhaps. But don't spend time around them if you don't have to. It's very unlikely that they will ever change.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #53 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:38 PM
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,870
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I understand what your saying. I accidentally offend some people while looking for comfort in those that agree with me while shaming the others while I seek comfort from those that shame me. I acknowledge the hypocrisy in this.
My intention is never to make anyone feel bad about who they are and what their goals and beliefs are and I realize I have done this. I felt and was shamed by them, and I hate when people make me or anyone else bad or less about who they are so my venting to gain comfort and understanding ended up doing exactly what they did to me. And I am sorry about that and I 100% did not mean it.
I appreciate that you can see this.. wouldn't we all love a world where we all fit in , just embracing the diversity...with no one feeling "put down" for their choices.. but of course it won't ever be .. at least in this life... it's why we humans cling to our own groups, social classes where we feel a comforting acceptance for who we are...

And sometimes it's "misery loves company" sadly...

I have a cousin, we grew up in the country, same school, 3 yrs apart - who never had children.. she is a Physician's Assistant...she loves her dogs.. going to the gym and her husband is a Chef at a booming restaurant in a big city.. our lives couldn't be any more different for sure.. I recall her years ago.. knowing me the way she did.. saying she could see me with a slew of kids.. this came to pass for me.. all I wanted was to live in the country, barefoot & pregnant with a devoted husband by my side....all the boisterous chaos that comes with having a family....

She would never want that...she wanted the freedom to enjoy a Robust career and make a difference in many lives.. We don't see each other much.. but when we do.. we've been able to openly laugh and share about our very different lives, I ask about her dogs.. her experiences in the ER, some crazy stories, what her husband's best dish is..... things of that nature.. and she's happy to share.... that's the way it should be..

Quote:
When I come home, there are very obviously fundamental differences and beliefs between me and my husband and our families. I don't mean it to be or worse but for sure there is an obvious difference. So to my, I try not to get into conversation about things that are different, and if I do which always ends up happening I try my best not to make it personal and offend people. I try to stay factual and not personal. His cousin made it personal, when it could have been just difference of opinions.
I understand the need to vent.. women need to do this from time to time.. me too!

I had a friend buy concert tickets for us earlier ... she unknowingly ended up paying twice the price by buying from a 3rd party website.. I wanted to ring her neck.. I jumped down her throat for not reading the fine print, at least comparing Ticket master prices 1st where I gave her the link.. so now it's like flushing money down the dang toilet.. but all in all... It's a "Live & Learn".. next time I'll buy the tickets!

Quote:
What exactly did she say?
Well we were sitting at the table with her and her 2 young daughters (15, 9). And we were just talking about other family members having kids. And she was saying how this one family member(27 yo) isn't waiting after she gets married to get pregnant because OBVIOUSLY she is getting really up there in age. She said this with judgement and attitude. I said, yea she is still young but of course that all depends on how many kids you want and your fertility blah blah. Than her 7 year old said, mommy isnt the perfect age to have kids is around 26? And her mom answered yes. Then the cousin said to me... your 27 right? And I said no I'm 30. Right away she had a look of disgust across her face and said omg your 30!! She looked like I just pulled a rabbit out of my hat, she couldn't believe it. Then she went on to say she is surprised from someone who works in health care how I CAN ACTUALLY wait that long to have kids. All in total attitude judgmental tone. I just said calmly, I know that is places like this that is abnormal. Come where I live, women have children later in life, in their 30s and that is the norm. The conversation then changed.
And seriously .. they Do in her neck of the woods too.. I agree with you... she was OVER THE TOP .. whether she really believes and teaches her kids that 26 is some optimum age (with no mention or care of marriage, being prepared somewhat financially).. you just know she's not thinking with the best of intentions -even for her own children.. sadly.... you have to wonder if this is subtly projecting validation for her own choices....It would be hard to not just come out and ask...

"Are you trying to say something to me, I'm feeling you are disgusted with me ...seriously? ...just to hear her come back...

Quote:
Which I did not want to make her feel bad about her choices. Even though she got pregnant in high school. I could have thrown shade at her like she did to me, but I kept it from getting personal and just stated a fact.
you did the right thing @katiecrna
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #54 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,473
Re: I got baby shamed

@katiecrna


See how SimplyAmorous is happy for you and encouraging??


That's because she loves having kids and is fulfilled and contented by that choice. She isn't angry because she feels she got trapped by having kids. She doesn't feel resentful because she wonders if she missed out on something.


I swear, you can set your watch by it; people who are really angry about having kids [in some way], are always the ones who criticize people that don't have kids.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #55 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 09:48 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,419
Re: I got baby shamed

People who annoy me at work I just stab with my stapler. What's your address I'll UPS it. You'll have it for Easter.


.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
post #56 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:38 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I swear, you can set your watch by it; people who are really angry about having kids [in some way], are always the ones who criticize people that don't have kids.
Wrong. I'm angry about having kids, it's been a constant struggle trying to keep them in my life since my divorce, a struggle that has mostly resulted in failure, if I was to do it again I'd NEVER have kids again, I'd have all that money to spend on myself, and not be worried about my children's future, and what they're doing and who they're doing it with and having no ability to influence them one way or another because I've been completely rejected as a parent due to forces mostly beyond my control.

When I see people who don't want kids I applaud them. There's too many people on the planet as it is.

So much for your flawed "setting your watch" theory.
browser is offline  
post #57 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:43 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Why do you see the above as an attack?
@peacem

You're the one who said it was an attack, in an earlier post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Trying to help you, but I think I will give up.

Do you normally attack people who are trying to support you? I want you to be confident and not caring.

You cannot avoid criticism and disapproval of relatives. We all have to deal with it.
browser is offline  
post #58 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 04:16 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Re: I got baby shamed

I never wanted kids myself. In my late 20s and don't see that changing. But hey, some people can tolerate the little poopy buggers. I cannot.
Yag-Kosha is offline  
post #59 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 12:21 PM
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,730
Re: I got baby shamed

Katiecrna

I can certainly understand your frustration. In my case, it wouldn’t have anything to do with self-esteem, but it would just be completely annoying going to a family gathering and have to listen to that kind of junk, especially since you seem to have a lot going for you. It doesn’t sound like you’re spending your days watching tv all the time while your house is falling down around you from being lazy.

I live in a rural area, and there is this divide of career vs family philosophy among people. Some feel if a girl hasn’t thrown away her shoes by age 20 so she can be barefoot and pregnant that she is somehow missing out in life, especially if she isn’t in college.

A girl who is just working after school with no thoughts of getting married and starting a family is just considered wasting their time among some and needs a good “straightening out” by someone older and wiser.

My daughter is a freshman in college, and so far hasn’t shown much interest in dating; she is more focused on college right now. Far be it from me to try and push her in another direction. I don't really see the point.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
southbound is offline  
post #60 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 01:36 PM
Member
 
wild jade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,499
Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
And talking about wishing you had kids younger is way different than the obvious judgmental, look of disgust on their face when they talk to me.
It sounds to me like you judge them as harshly as they judge you. So maybe y'all are even steven.

People judge each other all the time. And if you ever dare do something outside the norms, whatever those are, the judgements are always harsher. That leaves all of us with a choice. Do what others want or expect us to do, or stop caring about what they think. I opt for the latter.
wild jade is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Baby Shower for GD WayUpNorth The Family & Parenting Forums 4 12-12-2016 07:04 PM
Help! I'm 33 and want baby, hubby is dragging feet newwife07 General Relationship Discussion 18 05-25-2016 01:44 PM
Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby abouttogiveup Considering Divorce or Separation 4 04-23-2016 09:59 PM
My boyfriend is having a baby with someone else...advice please RockSteady1 General Relationship Discussion 115 02-10-2016 07:27 AM
WH wants to have a baby. Lost Lady Coping with Infidelity 16 12-28-2015 08:49 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome