I got baby shamed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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I got baby shamed

This might sounds judgmental and mean but I'm venting so I'm sorry...

I went home for Christmas to my small hometown. I am always the odd one out and I always feel judged. I look around... they are all fat, uneducated, and trashy. (Yes this is mean). Like they gave up on life I swear it's so depressing. Anyway... they always make it very obvious that they think I'm a freakin geriatric and should of had babies already and I need to be really careful now that I'm a freakin geriatric. I'm 30. I know they are ignorant, I know they are wrong, but When I go back home I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Wow!!! Your 30!!! Geez (judgmental face). You don't have kids yet!!

I'm surprised you don't know better being in the health care field, it's very risky to wait that long.

Oh i actually do know better, women can have children safely in their 30s and 40s now and days as long as their in good health. I'm surprised you don't know that morbid obesity is not good for your health.

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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

I hate that. It's none of anyone's business but your own. Besides, how do they know someone might not be dealing with infertility and comments like that might just be driving the knife in deeper.

I got comments like that a lot at your age. My sister is a year younger than me and had 4 kids by 30. Everyone had to ask when I was going to do my part to add to the family. Wonder if they would have shut up had they known it took us 6 years and $15,000 worth of infertility treatments and 3 heartbreaking miscarriages before we finally had a baby.

I have a cousin I still don't talk to because of some of the comments she made to me back then.
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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

Stop being concerned with what people think. And in turn...be tolerant of their flaws.

I bought a good book with my MIL's christmas money https://www.amazon.co.uk/F-k-Ultimat...ywords=****+it

Its a coffee table book that I have been dipping into. There is a great chapter where he describes how we take things so personally, not because we are actually being attacked or criticized but because we are projecting our fears onto other people's thoughtlessness.

You want kids....leave your H and find a good man to do that with. BTW. In-laws become a bit of a nightmare for most people once children are born - you have no idea. Trust me.
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

wow...it is amazing how caddy people can be....here is a response you shoudl give them...."your right i decided instead of getting married and having kids right away i thought that i would get an education, a great job, and see the world before i settle done with a man who will mostly leave his wife and kids for" ...and then walk away ;-)

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 01-03-2017 at 04:55 PM.
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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

My wife and I are long past child bearing age. We are VERY happy we never had kids.
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
This might sounds judgmental and mean but I'm venting so I'm sorry...

I went home for Christmas to my small hometown. I am always the odd one out and I always feel judged. I look around... they are all fat, uneducated, and trashy. (Yes this is mean). Like they gave up on life I swear it's so depressing. Anyway... they always make it very obvious that they think I'm a freakin geriatric and should of had babies already and I need to be really careful now that I'm a freakin geriatric. I'm 30. I know they are ignorant, I know they are wrong, but When I go back home I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Wow!!! Your 30!!! Geez (judgmental face). You don't have kids yet!!

I'm surprised you don't know better being in the health care field, it's very risky to wait that long.

Oh i actually do know better, women can have children safely in their 30s and 40s now and days as long as their in good health. I'm surprised you don't know that morbid obesity is not good for your health.
There are many reasons to have kids while you are young, whether you like it or not.

I had the same discussion with my sister (29) over the holidays and stated I wish I had put my effort into getting married/having kids when I was in my early 20's, instead of putting it off. If I want to have grandkids, I'm screwed because no man in my immediate family survived to 60, and that puts great-grandkids completely out--what a terrible lack of planning on my part. Children require a ton of energy, and I am not as energetic as I was at 19, and I'll be even less so at 50. When I could once operate on 2-3 hours of sleep consistently, now I need 8-10. Odds of physical defects goes up as you age--male or female. Fertility drops as you age--especially in women.

The longer you wait, the harder it is to have kids. The more likely there will be problems. The less energy you'll have to keep up with them. Do you want to be in your 60's when your kids finally move out of your house?

If you would prefer to wait, that is an issue of preference, but don't pretend that it is somehow smarter to do so.

ETA: I forgot to mention hysterectomies, of which >600,000 are performed each year in the US, and over half of them are 44 or under in age.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...

Last edited by Kivlor; 01-03-2017 at 04:36 PM.
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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

I think it's easy to say who cares what people think but it's hard when your out numbered. That's why I hate going home. I don't share much in common with them and in many things I completely disagree with them but it's hard when it's everyone "against" me.
@Hellomynameis you make such a good point! Whatever happened to the good old philosophy if you have nothing nice to say...
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

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There are many reasons to have kids while you are young, whether you like it or not.



I had the same discussion with my sister (29) over the holidays and stated I wish I had put my effort into getting married/having kids when I was in my early 20's, instead of putting it off. If I want to have grandkids, I'm screwed because no man in my immediate family survived to 60, and that puts great-grandkids completely out--what a terrible lack of planning on my part. Children require a ton of energy, and I am not as energetic as I was at 19, and I'll be even less so at 50. When I could once operate on 2-3 hours of sleep consistently, now I need 8-10. Odds of physical defects goes up as you age--male or female. Fertility drops as you age--especially in women.



The longer you wait, the harder it is to have kids. The more likely there will be problems. The less energy you'll have to keep up with them. Do you want to be in your 60's when your kids finally move out of your house?



If you would prefer to wait, that is an issue of preference, but don't pretend that it is somehow smarter to do so.


I agree. Times have changed though. There is nothing wrong with having kids early. Some women have their sh*t together when their in their 20s, some women don't. Some women have career goals that don't take a long time to achieve making having kids young more achievable. Some women have career goals that time longer and therefore have kids later. Some people want to travel, date around, experience life more before they have kids.
My husbands cousin is 26, a nurse, has a child, one in the oven, and a newly built house. She was married when she was 21. I have no problem with this, she achieved her goal of becoming a nurse and found mr right early.
But it was my husbands other cousin who had her first baby in high school, has 4 and she's 33, obese, struggles with money, has no career, job hops. Herself and her husband look like their 50, you can see their struggle on their face and she's the biggest culprit baby shaming me.
I live in NYC. I see older women having kids all the time. They look young, their active, there is more of a balance imo. They h e their own life they are their own person and they also have kids and a family. In my small town it seems women rush to get married, have kids, then they are all fat, miserable, and struggling. (This is obviously just my small area I'm from), but the point is it's Day and night coming from NYC and going back to that small town. I want to kill myself when I'm there it's depressing
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:43 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I think it's easy to say who cares what people think but it's hard when your out numbered. That's why I hate going home. I don't share much in common with them and in many things I completely disagree with them but it's hard when it's everyone "against" me.
@Hellomynameis you make such a good point! Whatever happened to the good old philosophy if you have nothing nice to say...
Not caring what other people think is key to feeling free. Or waste your life getting wound up? You are more important than other people's opinions of you.

If you hate going home - accept that is how you feel and put up boundaries and limitations. They may or may not be 'against you', but that does not define you. It just is. Accept it and make changes to make yourself happy.

BTW - having a narcissistic MIL I have had to learn these coping skills of her overwhelming criticisms. It doesn't come easy - I worked hard at it.
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post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

And talking about wishing you had kids younger is way different than the obvious judgmental, look of disgust on their face when they talk to me.

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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

@Kivlor it's smarter to have kids when you are ready. That's the bottom line. Life is full of would-of, could-of, should-ofs. We all do the best we can and we may not be where we planned we would be, life doesn't go according to plan all the times.

For me... it's smarter for me to finish my degree before having kids. And I just graduated. Now I'm planning on trying as soon as I pass my boards. So yes, it is smarter for me to do so.
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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:53 PM
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Re: I got baby shamed

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I agree. Times have changed though. There is nothing wrong with having kids early. Some women have their sh*t together when their in their 20s, some women don't. Some women have career goals that don't take a long time to achieve making having kids young more achievable. Some women have career goals that time longer and therefore have kids later. Some people want to travel, date around, experience life more before they have kids.
My husbands cousin is 26, a nurse, has a child, one in the oven, and a newly built house. She was married when she was 21. I have no problem with this, she achieved her goal of becoming a nurse and found mr right early.
But it was my husbands other cousin who had her first baby in high school, has 4 and she's 33, obese, struggles with money, has no career, job hops. Herself and her husband look like their 50, you can see their struggle on their face and she's the biggest culprit baby shaming me.
I live in NYC. I see older women having kids all the time. They look young, their active, there is more of a balance imo. They h e their own life they are their own person and they also have kids and a family. In my small town it seems women rush to get married, have kids, then they are all fat, miserable, and struggling. (This is obviously just my small area I'm from), but the point is it's Day and night coming from NYC and going back to that small town. I want to kill myself when I'm there it's depressing
I can't really understand the "career" position. I think that's a woman thing. I've never in my life thought of my work in such a way. Work is a duty, not a hobby. And if you're interested in fulfillment, what could be more fulfilling than creating life?

If anything, from a career standpoint, I would think it wiser to have kids early, and go to school during that time, then get into your career once they're grown, (or at least in school) rather than A) starting a career and leaving it to rear your children, and then restarting it afterwards or B) neglecting your infant children for your "career".

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

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I can't really understand the "career" position. I think that's a woman thing. I've never in my life thought of my work in such a way. Work is a duty, not a hobby. And if you're interested in fulfillment, what could be more fulfilling than creating life?



If anything, from a career standpoint, I would think it wiser to have kids early, and go to school during that time, then get into your career once they're grown, (or at least in school) rather than A) starting a career and leaving it to rear your children, and then restarting it afterwards or B) neglecting your infant children for your "career".


Or finish ur career first at a good age to have kids (30). Work part time (in my case 2 days a week) and raise your kids struggle free. This way when your kids drive you mad you have those 2 days a week of a job you love and you can get peace, make money and give your parents and in-laws time with the babies that they are dying to have. Well that's my plan anyways... we will see how it actually works.
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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

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I have a 15 year severely disabled child with autism - do you know what it is like to go into a shop and him have a meltdown whilst EVERYONE in the shop 'knows' what we should be doing with him. Finger wagging and judgement - people even get aggressive with me in public, you've not experienced the worst of it.

**** them.

You don't know what judgement is. Life is a bit **** sometimes. Seriously get some self-esteem.


Your talking about strangers and I'm talking about my family.
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I got baby shamed

I don't know what your problem is @peacem but I have self esteem. Just bc I'm venting and I can identify honestly how I feel doesn't mean I sit home and cry all day and dwell on what they said about me. Your really stretching here.
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