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  • 3 Post By katiecrna
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Women set yourself up for success

I am a feminist, and I love my husband but I will always live in a way that I will set myself up for success for any circumstance. My husband is a surgeon, but I still went to school to get a good career for the sole fact that incase of anything happening... I will always be ok God forbid anything happens.

My uncle just died unexpectedly. My aunt who hasn't worked in 30 years revolves her life around this man. Wakes up every morning with him (4am), makes him a huge breakfast, he goes to work, she goes to the gym. She takes very good care of him. Now I'm learning they took out a second mortgage on their house, and all this Financial stuff. She is so scared because he handled all the finances, taxes, many things that she is clueless about. It breaks my heart to see such a vulnerable women. But at the same time it makes me mad. I just think we ALL need to be able to be independent if something happened. Women can't be naÔve. I know this is cultural and generational because my mom is the same way but come on....

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:59 AM
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Women set yourself up for success

My 80 yo dad passed away in November. My mother revolved her life around him and the kids and grandkids. Yet she handled all the finances. And she worked. If mom had died first dad would be clueless.

Your advice applies to both genders.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

Agree with the OP. Everyone should try to live their life in a way that they can be self sufficient if necessary. This not only helps in the even of a tragic death, but reduces the problem of being "trapped" in an unhappy relationship.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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My 80 yo dad passed away in November. My mother revolved her life around him and the kids and grandkids. Yet she handled all the finances. And she worked. If mom had died first dad would be clueless.

Your advice applies to both genders.


Your right this is for both genders. I might be biased but I think it's more common for women to find themselves in this position. Or maybe that's just what I notice around me. Just from my family and my husbands family 50% of our aunts don't work and haven't in years because they were SAHMs that never worked after their kids grew up.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

It's a really sad time in my family but for some reason I am overwhelmed with feelings of anger. I'm mad at him for being selfish and not taking better care of himself. I'm mad at him for not setting his life up better, or pushing his wife to be more independent. I'm mad at her for not taking an initiative to be more independent, and for not pushing her husband to take better care of himself. It's like they just enabled each other. I don't know why I'm so mad but I am.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

You are very judgmental for someone who was so offended by being "baby shamed" as you say. If no one has a right to expect you to have a baby, why do you have a right to look down on them for choosing to eschew a career?

Explore this facet of yourself and you might begin to understand your feelings better.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

The way the millennial generation is going I think more men will need this advice in the future than women. More women go to college now than men. Lot of dudes stuck at home playing video games and being unmotivated. There is a shift happening.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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You are very judgmental for someone who was so offended by being "baby shamed" as you say. If no one has a right to expect you to have a baby, why do you have a right to look down on them for choosing to eschew a career?



Explore this facet of yourself and you might begin to understand your feelings better.


I don't care if you don't have a job or a career but make sure your going to be ok when and if things go south. I would never say this to her face. If you want to have an an opinion you're allowed, but don't share your opinion when it's not welcome. I'm not going to tell my aunt what she should and should not have done. Just like people shouldn't tell me when I should and should not have a child. But we are all allowed to have our own opinions.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

If your aunt is having financial problems now, how is she supporting herself? Are other people now having to pitch in to support her?

How old is your aunt?
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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I don't care if you don't have a job or a career but make sure your going to be ok when and if things go south. I would never say this to her face. If you want to have an an opinion you're allowed, but don't share your opinion when it's not welcome. I'm not going to tell my aunt what she should and should not have done. Just like people shouldn't tell me when I should and should not have a child. But we are all allowed to have our own opinions.
So why does something that does not affect you take up space in your head? She made her life choices and you seem to think they were wrong just because they are not compatible with your values. No one can dictate someone else's happiness. If she was happy for the last 30 years, that's a lot better than many people achieve. This includes people who are financially secure. Perhaps the happiness she experienced was far worth the risks she faces now. Only she can say.

Might be better to offer your condolences and some form of help to your aunt. Maybe then you could convert your anger into compassion.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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So why does something that does not affect you take up space in your head? She made her life choices and you seem to think they were wrong just because they are not compatible with your values. No one can dictate someone else's happiness. If she was happy for the last 30 years, that's a lot better than many people achieve. This includes people who are financially secure. Perhaps the happiness she experienced was far worth the risks she faces now. Only she can say.



Might be better to offer your condolences and some form of help to your aunt. Maybe then you could convert your anger into compassion.


My anger comes from my compassion. It's because I do care so much about her and I don't want to see her struggling the second half of her life. It takes up space in my head because I am compassionate and I worry about people I love, my family. Being a young widow is not easy, let alone all the challenges she now faces. It breaks my heart and makes me mad that it didn't have To be this way.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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I am a feminist, and I love my husband but I will always live in a way that I will set myself up for success for any circumstance. My husband is a surgeon, but I still went to school to get a good career for the sole fact that incase of anything happening... I will always be ok God forbid anything happens.

My uncle just died unexpectedly. My aunt who hasn't worked in 30 years revolves her life around this man. Wakes up every morning with him (4am), makes him a huge breakfast, he goes to work, she goes to the gym. She takes very good care of him. Now I'm learning they took out a second mortgage on their house, and all this Financial stuff. She is so scared because he handled all the finances, taxes, many things that she is clueless about. It breaks my heart to see such a vulnerable women. But at the same time it makes me mad. I just think we ALL need to be able to be independent if something happened. Women can't be naÔve. I know this is cultural and generational because my mom is the same way but come on....
This is good advice for both men and women, never be dependent on anyone be it emotional or financially that you couldn't separate yourself and survive and eventually with time thrive.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Women set yourself up for success

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It's a really sad time in my family but for some reason I am overwhelmed with feelings of anger. I'm mad at him for being selfish and not taking better care of himself. I'm mad at him for not setting his life up better, or pushing his wife to be more independent. I'm mad at her for not taking an initiative to be more independent, and for not pushing her husband to take better care of himself. It's like they just enabled each other. I don't know why I'm so mad but I am.
It's unfair to judge your older family for having and following ideals that don't fit those of today. When they were young this was what was to be expected, there was also not the opportunity as there is now. Remember not everyone is capable of being the ground breaker. It is a shame that he didn't do better financially but not everyone does. Such is life.
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