MIL drama - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
The Social Spot Talk About Whatever.

User Tag List

 81Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:40 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,527
Re: MIL drama

Did you say that your husband will not sleep in the same bed as you when they visit? Instead, he sleeps opposite couch with his mom? Did I understand that correctly?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Did you say that your husband will not sleep in the same bed as you when they visit? Instead, he sleeps opposite couch with his mom? Did I understand that correctly?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Sorry his brother does that lol.
katiecrna is offline  
post #18 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:45 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,527
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Sorry his brother does that lol.
Whew.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is offline  
 
post #19 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:57 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5,991
MIL drama

With all due respect Katie, you know your inlaws come as a package deal.

The Italian mom is pushy. Yes she will take over the kitchen and cook. It is their role. They honestly think they are helping. How can they not think that?You are working so MIL will serve her son and DIL by helping to cook. Or so she thinks. And they seldom take no for an answer. She will think you don't want them to come because you can't cook for them. So she will cook. Visiting at holidays is important to the Italian family

My mom cooks at my house. She actually stressed if we go out to dinner all the time when she visits.

The issue about being a control freak is yours alone.

Consider this. Put MIL to work and clean if necessary. Consider it YOUR decision that this happens. That is how you maintain the facade of control.

You deserve a break. Let them serve you.

Last edited by blueinbr; 03-17-2017 at 05:02 PM.
blueinbr is offline  
post #20 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
With all due respect Katie, you know your inlaws come as a package deal.

The Italian mom is pushy. Yes she will take over the kitchen and cook. It is their role. The honestly think they are helping. How can they not think that?

You are working so MIL will serve her son and DIL by helping to cook. My mom cooks at my house. She actually stressed if we go out to dinner all the time when she visits.

The issue about being a control freak is yours along.

Consider this. Put MIL to work snd clean if necessary. Consider it YOUR decision that this happens. That is how you maintain the facade of control.

You deserve a break. Let them serve you.


I understand this. And I think I do a very good job dealing with how they are. They always invite themselves over for holidays and I am forced to entertain. It is what it is. But when I can't, I can't. And I think that should be respected. I am working the entire weekend, and my husband will probably be too. It doesn't make sense. I told her to come up the weekend before or the weekend after.

It's basic respect. My problem with them is they have an idea in their head with how they want their life and our life to be... and if it doesn't work out that way, they get mad about it. It's like they hold us accountable for things that we don't agree to. That's not the way life works. My life is my life. Your life is your life.

My life is going to be how I want it to be. And I love my husband so I'm willing to do Sunday dinners and all that crap. But how they want my life to be, is not how my life is going to be. And they have to learn how to deal with that. You can't control other people or hold them accountable for how you want them to be or live. That's ridiculous to think otherwise. And the sooner they learn this the better because I am very firm on my stance. I am not going I live my life in a way that I don't want to, that will never happen. And trust me, I do amazing with them now. They love me. I have a very friendly relationship with my MIL. The problem is, when things don't go their way they act like children and I won't have it.

A lack of boundaries is a lack of respect. And I demand respect. If you don't respect me, then I will not respect you and then we will have a big problem. They want respect to go one way and that is not happening.
katiecrna is offline  
post #21 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:15 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,527
Re: MIL drama

They don't view this as a lack of respect for you. To them, this is how they show love for family.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is offline  
post #22 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

One time we went home for a quick visit. Our parents live 3 miles away from each other. We both decided to sleep at our own parents house because the visit was so fast. Well my MIL was livid!!!!!! She sat me down... and literally flipped out on me. Screaming at me, he punched the table! She said that it was so inappropriate for us not to sleep in the same bed. I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. I was like who ****ing cares!!!! You think it's inappropriate, well I don't.

And that's what I mean when things don't go her way, and she holds us accountable for things we don't agree with. It's so freakin crazy. Months later I had to sit her down and be like... just because you think things should be a certain way, doesn't mean I agree with you. And I'm going to do what I want to do, not what you think I SHOULD do.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 12:41 AM. Reason: removed profanity filter bypass
katiecrna is offline  
post #23 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:21 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5,991
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
They don't view this as a lack of respect for you. To them, this is how they show love for family.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


This x 1000
blueinbr is offline  
post #24 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:40 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
They don't view this as a lack of respect for you. To them, this is how they show love for family.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Ok fine I get that cooking and helping means they are showing love. But that's not what we are talking about here. We are talking about her going behind my back to get what she wants instead of respecting me. She is putting my husband in a situation where she knows makes him uncomfortable and she knows stresses her out and she does it anyway... and if he says yes to her than he undermines our marriage, and if he says no to her it stresses him out beyond belief.

He already told me that he is going to tell her no. That's not a problem. My problem is, he is so stressed out and giving himself headaches when he is already busy and stressed out enough. It is not nice of her.

They are bossy. And they want to do what they want to do regardless of anything else. This is not love.
katiecrna is offline  
post #25 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:43 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Somewhere else...
Posts: 2,867
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
The solution is simple. Tell the parents AGAIN that you are working and won't be able to provide dinner but that you will give them a list of good restaurants nearby and a list of things to do.

Don't play the role of host when you cannot.

It's NYC so they have unlimited options.

They are Italian. Guilt and feeling slighted is what they do. I know. I'm Italian.

Hubby wants to please mom. It's an ethnic heritage thing. I had to move 1400 miles to escape that.
LOL I'm Italian, also...my dad's family, omg.

I think this is great advice. If you are working, they should be understanding.


Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #26 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

I drive 6hrs to spend 2 days visiting family and friends probably every 3ish months. My husband doesn't come because he can't get off from work. So I drive 6hrs by myself, visit everyone, my grandma, friends etc. I always stop by my in laws house to have a cup of coffee and chat. Every time they get upset with me because they want me to plan ahead and go out to dinner with them. Like really?!?!? We are not friends. It's weird they are my in laws. Plus I don't want to or have the time to spend 3hrs over dinner when I'm only up for 2 days. Nothing is ever good enough for these people. If I do something nice, like stop in for coffee then complain because I didn't have dinner with them or whatever. It's always something, they are high maintenance.

The rare occasion my husband visits, he doesn't visit my family. My family doesn't care at all. They say.... if he visits that's great and so nice of him, but I understand he is very busy and doesn't have much time. My parents are rational!!

One time, I was up just for 1.5 days just to visit my cousin who just had a baby and my brother who just got engaged. I drive 6hrs by myself there, did my thing, and drive 6hrs back in time to study for a test I had Monday. My cousin posted something on FB and my MIL was pissed off that I didn't visit her. She called my husband and started talking sh*t about me. He tried to explain but couldn't get a word in because she was so mad. I had to text her and put her in her place. I was pissed off. I am not a child and I won't be treated like a child. And I also told her the next time I say her... don't ever talk **** about me to my husband. Ever. Are you trying to ruin our marriage? If you have a problem with me, come to me. I never want my husband in the middle.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 12:42 AM. Reason: removed profanity filter bypass
katiecrna is offline  
post #27 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:55 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,151
Re: MIL drama

For what my input is worth...

I would personally not enjoy having my family visiting when I was working the entire time. I am a very private person and when I get home from work, I need some time off to unwind before I can consider entertaining guests.

My first question would be, what are they planning to do when you are both working? Are they using your place to crash while they are out on the town? (You said you live in NYC so that's kind of a tourist Hotspot.) If that was the case I'd honestly be more OK with it if I were in your shoes. To know they were entertaining themselves and we were just going to catch them in the evenings here and there when they came home for the night. If they aren't planning to leave the apartment at all, what will they do with all of the down time?
kag123 is offline  
post #28 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:57 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
Re: MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
LOL I'm Italian, also...my dad's family, omg.



I think this is great advice. If you are working, they should be understanding.


They would never ever ever 1. Stay in a hotel. 2. Go to a restaurant if there is a kitchen available.

My husband always says never tell them to stay in a hotel because this is VERY offensive to them.
katiecrna is offline  
post #29 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
MIL drama

Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
For what my input is worth...

I would personally not enjoy having my family visiting when I was working the entire time. I am a very private person and when I get home from work, I need some time off to unwind before I can consider entertaining guests.

My first question would be, what are they planning to do when you are both working? Are they using your place to crash while they are out on the town? (You said you live in NYC so that's kind of a tourist Hotspot.) If that was the case I'd honestly be more OK with it if I were in your shoes. To know they were entertaining themselves and we were just going to catch them in the evenings here and there when they came home for the night. If they aren't planning to leave the apartment at all, what will they do with all of the down time?


These people are so cheap they don't do anything or plan any events. When they come visit, they go to the grocery store, and to the shopping center and buy nothing. That's it. They don't plan on going or doing anything

They honestly buy a ridiculous amount of food and cook. That's all they do. The dad takes a ton of naps, they watch tv. They are super boring.
katiecrna is offline  
post #30 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,341
MIL drama

The dad is old school and super religious, he doesn't watch much tv and hates most movies. When they are over... I just go about my mornings the same. I wake up, make coffee and put on msnbc and watch the news as I drink my coffee. My BIL will be like Katie change the channel!! My dad will get mad! Like really?? I'm a 30 year old women, can I not be treated like a child? I keep in on. He gets upset, tells me he doesn't like to watch the news because it's depressing and full of bad stuff, and asks if I can turn on the channel with the stock market. Of course I can...

In the evening, he takes a nap on the couch which is annoying. I look for something to watch with my BIL. Find something we both like. Katie... shhh turn it down, your going to wake up dad and he doesn't like game of thrones because the nudity and swearing. Like really??? No I won't change the channel, I'm a 30 year old women in my own house. If I want to watch game of thrones, I am going to watch game of thrones.

I constantly feel like I am being controlled, I'm being treated like a child, and I am not respected.
katiecrna is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Narcisstic MIL dkong General Relationship Discussion 19 09-19-2016 03:41 AM
Desperately need help with Mother-in-law situation snowmyst General Relationship Discussion 34 06-08-2016 08:37 AM
MIL babies my husband and he lets it happen YoungWife94 New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself! 7 01-10-2016 08:52 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome