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post #31 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

At Christmas at their house, I had 2 glasses of wine in a span of like 2 hours. At the dining room table with all the family, he scolds me when a cousin asks if I want more wine. NO!!! She's had enough!!' He said in front of everyone very loudly. Of course my husband was in the other room. Like really?? I'm 30 years old, eating Christmas dinner, spending the night here. Don't tell me what to do.

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post #32 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: MIL drama

If they are super religious then Easter is probably a really big deal to them and they would want to spend it with family right?
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post #33 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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If they are super religious then Easter is probably a really big deal to them and they would want to spend it with family right?


Easter is a big deal for them like it is for us. They can come up here and not see us or they can stay home, go to their church, and have Easter with her sisters and brothers and her mother. I mean...
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post #34 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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I just don't get this culture. Like honestly. Do you want your sons marriage to fail?
It's not just the italians, lol. My MIL also has no respect for boundaries.

A call to your MIL won't help with this, you need to text her instead so she has it in black and white and there can be no misunderstanding.

"MIL, I'm disappointed that you went behind my back to your son, Easter weekend is no good for us as I had already told you. You are more than welcome the weekend prior or the weekend following Easter, but we will not be having guests during the Easter break".

That's it. No more, no less.
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post #35 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:51 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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I get that he doesn't mind if they come up. But I do. And it's not because I'm being b*tchy, it's because I'm working the entire weekend and it's going to be
Very stressful to have them up and try to entertain them and cook.
Your answer is no, you're both too busy with work to play host. You're happy to meet halfway for brunch. Keep repeating this mantra to your husband.

Do not directly deal with your MIL. Do not answer if she calls. Your husband needs to learn how to put you first and communicate properly to his mother. He doesn't like disappointing her so he's choosing to repeatedly disappoint you.

Take it from someone who's had to spend years learning how to set appropriate boundaries with an overbearing MIL. I put up with it until I had kids- then it was just not going to work anymore.

* And my husband did fine dealing with his mom once I stopped doing it myself and stopped complaining about her. I just stated what I could/couldn't do.
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post #36 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

My husband said he is going to talk to her this weekend and tell her no. I am not going to say anything to her right now. I think it will be best coming from him.
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post #37 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

Ah she just texted me being all cutesy wanting to chat and be my bff. Can't stand the fakeness.
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post #38 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Wait till you have children...

The semi-professional psychologist in me reads your need for control as an inability to adapt. Early in my career we had my parents or her parents here for months on end. We survived just fine, even in a 900 sq ft two bedroom apartment. And mind you, I can't speak their language and vice versa.

We're not Italian but if I didn't feel welcome in my daughters' homes after all I've done for them I would be rather ticked.. and yes, I'll be the bozo FIL that would be a pain to deal with.

She's the guy's mother. She raised him. Ask yourself if you'd like it much if your kids did it to you.

Apologies for taking a harsh position but that's how I feel...
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post #39 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Wait till you have children...

The semi-professional psychologist in me reads your need for control as an inability to adapt. Early in my career we had my parents or her parents here for months on end. We survived just fine, even in a 900 sq ft two bedroom apartment. And mind you, I can't speak their language and vice versa.

We're not Italian but if I didn't feel welcome in my daughters' homes after all I've done for them I would be rather ticked.. and yes, I'll be the bozo FIL that would be a pain to deal with.

She's the guy's mother. She raised him. Ask yourself if you'd like it much if your kids did it to you.

Apologies for taking a harsh position but that's how I feel...


But as you said, your in laws were not Italian.
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post #40 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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Wait till you have children...

The semi-professional psychologist in me reads your need for control as an inability to adapt. Early in my career we had my parents or her parents here for months on end. We survived just fine, even in a 900 sq ft two bedroom apartment. And mind you, I can't speak their language and vice versa.

We're not Italian but if I didn't feel welcome in my daughters' homes after all I've done for them I would be rather ticked.. and yes, I'll be the bozo FIL that would be a pain to deal with.

She's the guy's mother. She raised him. Ask yourself if you'd like it much if your kids did it to you.

Apologies for taking a harsh position but that's how I feel...


I appreciate your position and I don't think it's harsh at all.

When they come over, I am really good to them. When I go to their house, I am really good to them and respectful at how they do things and I adapt and do things how they want me to. I respect them. But in my house, I want to be in control. That's the way I am. It's for my sanity, it is what makes me comfortable, and it's why my house is my home. When they come up, there is no stopping them. They do what they want regardless of anything. I bite the bullet, put a smile on and count down the days till they leave when I can relax. I lose control, and I just try to accept it the best I can. It's hard for me and unnatural. And I understand that some things they do I feel very are very disrespectful, but aren't to them, it's just a difference in culture. And although I have acknowledged these in my head, I still FEEL disrespected. Like when my FIL is done eating and he raises his hand which signals me or my MIL to take his plate away. I can't help but FEEL disrespected. Especially because I come from a family whose mother was a SAHM, but if we ever left the dinner table with our plates on the table, my dad would flip the F out on us and tell us how disrespectful that is to our mother, because it is. It is engrained in me to find that disrespectful, especially after a meal was prepared for you.

What I feel like basic respect is, like how I was raised, what is engrained in my head it's hard to get that out of my head. When I go to their house, I'm a perfect guest. I pick up after myself, please, thank you. Do you need some help. I pick up my and my husbands plates. I'll help with the dishes. Blah blah. Tell them how lovely their new decorations are even though they aren't. That is normal behavior to me when you are a guest in someone's home.

When they come up.... they are so rude and entitled. Like they can't just want a cup of coffee, my FIL will be like I want espresso, or I want a cappuccino. Something that is such a pain in the ass to make. Sure... I make it. He takes 3 sips, and he's done with it and leaves it for me to pick up. He brings his own pillows which is so rude to me. He won't pick up his own plate. He acts like he is doing us a favor. Seriously. He walks around like he owns the place. He opens the curtains/blinds as he sees fit. Turns the lights on and off as he sees fit. It's so weird and rude to me.

Last time they came up, my MIL was like thanks so much for having us up! And my FIL was like why are you thanking them?!? We are the parents we can come up whenever we want!! (I bite my tongue). But that is their attitude.

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post #41 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:19 PM
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Re: MIL drama

I would think getting Trump hotel service would be my minimum expectation after spending nearly half a million dollars on my daughters​ college tabs 😁

Us geezers are like that...

The best compliment I ever got was from DD1 when she told me her significant other reminds her of me in terms of "thinking old".

You'll get over it. I survived my MIL, certified BSC... get another sleeper couch and you'll be fine.

If his parents are like me, they'll expect a tour of the hospital where he's doing residency, a tour of your work, and Heaven help you if they're in healthcare. That's how we are.
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post #42 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

My FIL acts like he is better than everyone. He treats me like a child and I FEEL like he is trying to put me down all the time and himself up. My husband says he's just insecure so he doesn't mind. But it drives me crazy because I'm sensitive and I don't like to feel like this.

My FIL every time I see him, he gets into this. If serious conversation about how he's thinking about buying a new car... hmm maybe a Ferrari, or a Porsche. It's ridiculous. He's super cheap and would never buy a car like this. Ur for the 10+ years I've known him, he acts like he is going to buy this amazing car. It's so f*cking weird!!! Like everyone pretends to take him serious, and he's all like hm... year I think I'll get the red one. And he says it won suck confidence and such smugness it drives me crazy! Then he's like what do you think Katie? And I'm like wtf why are we even talking about this? Your not going to buy anything!!! But of course I go along sometimes. Usually I say, I'm not a car person. Honestly it's so weird. Or he will talk about this amazing vacation we will go on (they haven't been on a vacation since I met them). And it's so weird to sit there and let this man act like he's so cool and rich and he's a big shot it's so strange to me.
And my husband who is a freakin humble, Genius hard worker surgeon won't say anything to him you know. And my FIL walks around like his sh*t don't stink and he tells everyone his son is a big surgeon and blah blah. He asked me how much Crna's make one time... which is so freakin rude. I said... $100-$150,000 (which to me is amazing money). And he did a half chuckle, and he was like that's not bad in this smug voice. My MIL was like not bad! That's amazing! He's like in Italy, doctors don't talk to no one! They are like famous. If I was I doctor I would turn my nose up and not talk to anyone haha.

That's how he talks!!' It's so crazy! Meanwhile he came here when he was 20, doesn't have a highschool degree and he worked in a factory his whole life until he retired and his wife still works full time. And he acts like he is better than everyone! And not only that but he acts like becoming a doctor is so easy. And my poor BIL always tells me he feels like he is never good enough because his dad acts like a doctor, lawyer or engineer are the only real jobs worth doing. He thinks everything is so easy.
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post #43 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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I would think getting Trump hotel service would be my minimum expectation after spending nearly half a million dollars on my daughters​ college tabs

Us geezers are like that...

The best compliment I ever got was from DD1 when she told me her significant other reminds her of me in terms of "thinking old".

You'll get over it. I survived my MIL, certified BSC... get another sleeper couch and you'll be fine.

If his parents are like me, they'll expect a tour of the hospital where he's doing residency, a tour of your work, and Heaven help you if they're in healthcare. That's how we are.


My in laws didn't spend a dime on my husbands college.

And yes they asked my husband a million times to see the hospital and my husband was like hell no lol.

My MIL has told me that when she retires she wants to be a secretary for her son. Lmao. She is delusional. I'm like do you have any skill sets to do that kind of work? Because at not like it's easy everyone can do it.
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post #44 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: MIL drama

I would seriously consider working with my older girl 😁 but we're on very similar fields.

It's clear that as they say, when He was raining social grace, your FIL was holding an umbrella and didn't get any...

Still, you need to learn how to deal with such people. Smile and nod, smile and nod.
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post #45 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

Nod and smile and try not to have a stroke. Nod and smile and try not to flip out. Nod and smile )
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