Wait till you have children...
The semi-professional psychologist in me reads your need for control as an inability to adapt. Early in my career we had my parents or her parents here for months on end. We survived just fine, even in a 900 sq ft two bedroom apartment. And mind you, I can't speak their language and vice versa.
We're not Italian but if I didn't feel welcome in my daughters' homes after all I've done for them I would be rather ticked.. and yes, I'll be the bozo FIL that would be a pain to deal with.
She's the guy's mother. She raised him. Ask yourself if you'd like it much if your kids did it to you.
Apologies for taking a harsh position but that's how I feel...
I appreciate your position and I don't think it's harsh at all.
When they come over, I am really good to them. When I go to their house, I am really good to them and respectful at how they do things and I adapt and do things how they want me to. I respect them. But in my house, I want to be in control. That's the way I am. It's for my sanity, it is what makes me comfortable, and it's why my house is my home. When they come up, there is no stopping them. They do what they want regardless of anything. I bite the bullet, put a smile on and count down the days till they leave when I can relax. I lose control, and I just try to accept it the best I can. It's hard for me and unnatural. And I understand that some things they do I feel very are very disrespectful, but aren't to them, it's just a difference in culture. And although I have acknowledged these in my head, I still FEEL disrespected. Like when my FIL is done eating and he raises his hand which signals me or my MIL to take his plate away. I can't help but FEEL disrespected. Especially because I come from a family whose mother was a SAHM, but if we ever left the dinner table with our plates on the table, my dad would flip the F out on us and tell us how disrespectful that is to our mother, because it is. It is engrained in me to find that disrespectful, especially after a meal was prepared for you.
What I feel like basic respect is, like how I was raised, what is engrained in my head it's hard to get that out of my head. When I go to their house, I'm a perfect guest. I pick up after myself, please, thank you. Do you need some help. I pick up my and my husbands plates. I'll help with the dishes. Blah blah. Tell them how lovely their new decorations are even though they aren't. That is normal behavior to me when you are a guest in someone's home.
When they come up.... they are so rude and entitled. Like they can't just want a cup of coffee, my FIL will be like I want espresso, or I want a cappuccino. Something that is such a pain in the ass to make. Sure... I make it. He takes 3 sips, and he's done with it and leaves it for me to pick up. He brings his own pillows which is so rude to me. He won't pick up his own plate. He acts like he is doing us a favor. Seriously. He walks around like he owns the place. He opens the curtains/blinds as he sees fit. Turns the lights on and off as he sees fit. It's so weird and rude to me.
Last time they came up, my MIL was like thanks so much for having us up! And my FIL was like why are you thanking them?!? We are the parents we can come up whenever we want!! (I bite my tongue). But that is their attitude.