Ok most of you guys know my situation. We live 6hrs from family. My hubby fam is Italian and I have had respect and boundary issues with them. My husband is stressed out to the max with work. But also he is PA and he can't deal with conflict especially when it's with his parents. I have accepted this, and no longer expect him to be the "bad guy" and stand up to them. Our marriage is rocky right now so the last thing I want to do is tip him over the edge, even though he SHOULD be able to say no to them.
My MIL have gotten into it a bit, and I am not shy, I'm not afraid to address issues with her, and I call it like I see it. But we are friendly and on good terms. But she's manipulative and I don't trust her.
Anyway... she basically invited her family up for Easter. There are 3 of them, and we live in a tiny apartment. I respectfully told her no, because I am working Friday-Sunday. And I don't get home till after 8 every night. And my husband works every morning and his schedule is unpredictable, (he's a surgical resident). And every time they come up... they get dumped on me because he has a emergent surgery of something. I told her to come up another weekend when I'm off. She said ok. I told my husband, he said ok although the doesn't really care if they come up. Only because he doesn't want conflict, but he respected my wishes and agreed with me. A couple days later... my Husband told me that his mom is asking about coming up for Easter. I'm so annoyed. He hates saying no to them, he hates conflict, and he said He will talk to me. He he did the wrong thing but I don't blame him. Now he is stressed out about this. And I know he would be because this is just so stressful for him for some reason I will never understand but I know it's true. And now I'm upset with my MIL. I feel like she should have respected what I said, instead of going behind my back to my husband and putting him in a situation she knows stresses him out. What do you guys think? I get that my husband SHOULD be able to talk to him parents and tell them no, but that's just no realistic. I told my MIL multiple times, don't put him in the middle, or make him feel like he's in the middle. Should I say something to my MIL or drop it? I feel like there is just no respect from them to me and they don't care what I ever say. And I want to nip this stuff I'm the butt before we have kids.
Katie, why are you creating more chaos for yourself when there is no need for it?
You simply have to stop babying your H and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions, you do not have to constantly manage his life.
It is simple;
1. You told your MIL you and he are not available, you both have to work.
2. She agreed and you conveyed the message to your H
3. Your H is his PA lack of a backbone approach, let his mother steamroll him (not your problem)
4. You tell your H, this is not my problem, I already told your mother, what transpires between you and your mother is nothing to do with me
5. Go to work until 8pm those days and preferably make arrangements to meet friends for a drink one day, dinner another, etc.
Problem solved. Your H will be stressed but he brought it upon himself, his problem.
I get the feeling you always want to control everything in your household, sometimes you have to let go and let people fall on their own swords. STOP PUTTING YOUR HUSBANDS MONKEYS ON YOUR SHOULDER< THEY ARE NOT YOURS.
I am western, my inlaws are asian, this caused many problems with boundaries in the early years of our marriage, our home, our things, our finances, our kids, etc. My H didn't ever want to take a stand against his mum and I didn't want to be impolite. I learned the hard way and now I follow this approach. Guess what, no-one messes with my boundaries, no-one comes uninvited, or meddles in our affairs. I wish I had started sooner.