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post #46 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

And they just don't understand why my parents don't like them...

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post #47 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:36 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Italian or whatever, your husband is not equipped to be a husband. His parents failed miserably in raising him. He fails to grasp the fact that YOU are his family, his parents are his FOO, extended relatives. Did he not mean his wedding vows where it said he should leave his parents and cleave unto you?

If/when you have children, what kind of father will he be, putting his parents above his wife and children? He will be a poor role model and may cause his children to hate him for putting them last.

The two of you desperately need MC. But NOT with one of those happy-families-at-all-costs type of therapists. It would behoove your husband to get some IC as well. He needs to grow up and stop being a baby boy and be a man. Honestly, I would not be interested in being intimate with someone who put mommy and daddy first and me last.. Get this straightened out before having any kids. They will only get worse.

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post #48 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
And they just don't understand why my parents don't like them...

Tell them.

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post #49 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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Tell them.



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They know why. I am very direct and honest with my in laws. As for my husband.... I know. He should do this and should do that but I can't force him to do anything. And that's marriage, and life. So I deal with it the best I can. I don't want to divorce. Yea it will get worse when kids come. I told my husband and I told my in laws that how I am and how I am going to be with them. I literally told my MIL that if they do things that I directly tell them not to do, then they won't see their grandchildren. It's about respect I told her. Respect me, and we will have no problems. And believe me, what I am asking for is not a lot, they just love to piss me off and hate to be told what to do.
If my treatment to my In-laws disrespectful behavior bothers my husband enough to divorce me, then he can go ahead and divorce me.
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post #50 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:55 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Ok most of you guys know my situation. We live 6hrs from family. My hubby fam is Italian and I have had respect and boundary issues with them. My husband is stressed out to the max with work. But also he is PA and he can't deal with conflict especially when it's with his parents. I have accepted this, and no longer expect him to be the "bad guy" and stand up to them. Our marriage is rocky right now so the last thing I want to do is tip him over the edge, even though he SHOULD be able to say no to them.

My MIL have gotten into it a bit, and I am not shy, I'm not afraid to address issues with her, and I call it like I see it. But we are friendly and on good terms. But she's manipulative and I don't trust her.

Anyway... she basically invited her family up for Easter. There are 3 of them, and we live in a tiny apartment. I respectfully told her no, because I am working Friday-Sunday. And I don't get home till after 8 every night. And my husband works every morning and his schedule is unpredictable, (he's a surgical resident). And every time they come up... they get dumped on me because he has a emergent surgery of something. I told her to come up another weekend when I'm off. She said ok. I told my husband, he said ok although the doesn't really care if they come up. Only because he doesn't want conflict, but he respected my wishes and agreed with me. A couple days later... my Husband told me that his mom is asking about coming up for Easter. I'm so annoyed. He hates saying no to them, he hates conflict, and he said He will talk to me. He he did the wrong thing but I don't blame him. Now he is stressed out about this. And I know he would be because this is just so stressful for him for some reason I will never understand but I know it's true. And now I'm upset with my MIL. I feel like she should have respected what I said, instead of going behind my back to my husband and putting him in a situation she knows stresses him out. What do you guys think? I get that my husband SHOULD be able to talk to him parents and tell them no, but that's just no realistic. I told my MIL multiple times, don't put him in the middle, or make him feel like he's in the middle. Should I say something to my MIL or drop it? I feel like there is just no respect from them to me and they don't care what I ever say. And I want to nip this stuff I'm the butt before we have kids.

Katie, why are you creating more chaos for yourself when there is no need for it?
You simply have to stop babying your H and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions, you do not have to constantly manage his life.

It is simple;

1. You told your MIL you and he are not available, you both have to work.
2. She agreed and you conveyed the message to your H
3. Your H is his PA lack of a backbone approach, let his mother steamroll him (not your problem)
4. You tell your H, this is not my problem, I already told your mother, what transpires between you and your mother is nothing to do with me
5. Go to work until 8pm those days and preferably make arrangements to meet friends for a drink one day, dinner another, etc.

Problem solved. Your H will be stressed but he brought it upon himself, his problem.

I get the feeling you always want to control everything in your household, sometimes you have to let go and let people fall on their own swords. STOP PUTTING YOUR HUSBANDS MONKEYS ON YOUR SHOULDER< THEY ARE NOT YOURS.

I am western, my inlaws are asian, this caused many problems with boundaries in the early years of our marriage, our home, our things, our finances, our kids, etc. My H didn't ever want to take a stand against his mum and I didn't want to be impolite. I learned the hard way and now I follow this approach. Guess what, no-one messes with my boundaries, no-one comes uninvited, or meddles in our affairs. I wish I had started sooner.

Last edited by aine; 03-17-2017 at 10:59 PM. Reason: to add
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post #51 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Katie,
The - FIL - treating his wife and you - like servants - isn't cool at all. Not remotely. Telling you how much wine to drink - same deal.

Don't lose your sense of humor. He holds up his hand - you could pretend you don't see it, or that you don't understand what he wants and wave back at him - and smile. Like - it's a greeting thing - not a demand.

But him bringing his own pillows - is harmless. It has nothing to do with you. He adjusts the blinds - maybe he's old and is maximizing the light for his vision.

The key is to differentiate what he is doing for himself as opposed to "to you".

After reading this - I would expect these themes to repeat in and strain your marriage. Your H was brought up in a house - with an ugly patriarchal model. That is his template. He might know it's wrong in his head - but family stuff can be powerful.

And you sort of remind me of M2. Her magic - is that her sense of humor is operational close to 100% of the time.

It is also true she has a hard time differentiating between stuff that is about her - vs about the other person. This truly makes life more painful for her than it needs to be.



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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I appreciate your position and I don't think it's harsh at all.

When they come over, I am really good to them. When I go to their house, I am really good to them and respectful at how they do things and I adapt and do things how they want me to. I respect them. But in my house, I want to be in control. That's the way I am. It's for my sanity, it is what makes me comfortable, and it's why my house is my home. When they come up, there is no stopping them. They do what they want regardless of anything. I bite the bullet, put a smile on and count down the days till they leave when I can relax. I lose control, and I just try to accept it the best I can. It's hard for me and unnatural. And I understand that some things they do I feel very are very disrespectful, but aren't to them, it's just a difference in culture. And although I have acknowledged these in my head, I still FEEL disrespected. Like when my FIL is done eating and he raises his hand which signals me or my MIL to take his plate away. I can't help but FEEL disrespected. Especially because I come from a family whose mother was a SAHM, but if we ever left the dinner table with our plates on the table, my dad would flip the F out on us and tell us how disrespectful that is to our mother, because it is. It is engrained in me to find that disrespectful, especially after a meal was prepared for you.

What I feel like basic respect is, like how I was raised, what is engrained in my head it's hard to get that out of my head. When I go to their house, I'm a perfect guest. I pick up after myself, please, thank you. Do you need some help. I pick up my and my husbands plates. I'll help with the dishes. Blah blah. Tell them how lovely their new decorations are even though they aren't. That is normal behavior to me when you are a guest in someone's home.

When they come up.... they are so rude and entitled. Like they can't just want a cup of coffee, my FIL will be like I want espresso, or I want a cappuccino. Something that is such a pain in the ass to make. Sure... I make it. He takes 3 sips, and he's done with it and leaves it for me to pick up. He brings his own pillows which is so rude to me. He won't pick up his own plate. He acts like he is doing us a favor. Seriously. He walks around like he owns the place. He opens the curtains/blinds as he sees fit. Turns the lights on and off as he sees fit. It's so weird and rude to me.

Last time they came up, my MIL was like thanks so much for having us up! And my FIL was like why are you thanking them?!? We are the parents we can come up whenever we want!! (I bite my tongue). But that is their attitude.
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post #52 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:34 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Yes - if they decide to come - I would make CERTAIN of one thing. I would not get back to the apartment until K2 calls you FROM home and let's you know he is there. That way - you aren't there except when he is there. If they make any comments about your schedule - and they likely will - you can just say: I would love to have been able to spend more time with you, that's why I suggested coming a different weekend. K2 and I BOTH have difficult schedules this weekend.

It is K2's home also. Why do you get final say over when his parents can come?



Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Katie, why are you creating more chaos for yourself when there is no need for it?
You simply have to stop babying your H and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions, you do not have to constantly manage his life.

It is simple;

1. You told your MIL you and he are not available, you both have to work.
2. She agreed and you conveyed the message to your H
3. Your H is his PA lack of a backbone approach, let his mother steamroll him (not your problem)
4. You tell your H, this is not my problem, I already told your mother, what transpires between you and your mother is nothing to do with me
5. Go to work until 8pm those days and preferably make arrangements to meet friends for a drink one day, dinner another, etc.

Problem solved. Your H will be stressed but he brought it upon himself, his problem.

I get the feeling you always want to control everything in your household, sometimes you have to let go and let people fall on their own swords. STOP PUTTING YOUR HUSBANDS MONKEYS ON YOUR SHOULDER< THEY ARE NOT YOURS.

I am western, my inlaws are asian, this caused many problems with boundaries in the early years of our marriage, our home, our things, our finances, our kids, etc. My H didn't ever want to take a stand against his mum and I didn't want to be impolite. I learned the hard way and now I follow this approach. Guess what, no-one messes with my boundaries, no-one comes uninvited, or meddles in our affairs. I wish I had started sooner.
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post #53 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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And you sort of remind me of M2. Her magic - is that her sense of humor is operational close to 100% of the time.



It is also true she has a hard time differentiating between stuff that is about her - vs about the other person. This truly makes life more painful for her than it needs to be.


Thanks for the comments. I know that half of this stuff is just because I'm so sensitive.
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post #54 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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MIL drama

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It is K2's home also. Why do you get final say over when his parents can come?


My husband works everyday no matter what. He's a surgical resident and the hospital he's at is very busy. He usually gets called in to do an emergent case and because of that he can't be far away from the hospital. Also every time they come to visit he gets called in and his parents get dumped on me. He rushes home to see them then falls asleep right away because he is exhausted. Which of course perpetuates this idea that I need to be slaving over him more.

So I get the final say because he won't be home. Also I don't want them in our apartment for 13hrs by themselves. It drives me insane.
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post #55 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: MIL drama

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My husband works everyday no matter what. He's a surgical resident and the hospital he's at is very busy. He usually gets called in to do an emergent case and because of that he can't be far away from the hospital. Also every time they come to visit he gets called in and his parents get dumped on me. He rushes home to see them then falls asleep right away because he is exhausted. Which of course perpetuates this idea that I need to be slaving over him more.

So I get the final say because he won't be home. Also I don't want them in our apartment for 13hrs by themselves. It drives me insane.
Just one question - are you 100% Italian?

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post #56 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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Just one question - are you 100% Italian?


I'm not Italian at all.
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post #57 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: MIL drama

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I'm not Italian at all.
From what I've read, you're in the NYC area, same as myself.

When your husband's surgical residency is completed, encourage him to accept a position somewhere out West, for example, that will require them to fly to visit. Make it as unbearable for them as possible to even visit you.

Do not have your husband accept a position somewhere along the Northeast corridor. Your life will continue to be a living hell.

You and your H deserve better.
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post #58 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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Originally Posted by BradWesley2 View Post
From what I've read, you're in the NYC area, same as myself.



When your husband's surgical residency is completed, encourage him to accept a position somewhere out West, for example, that will require them to fly to visit. Make it as unbearable for them as possible to even visit you.



Do not have your husband accept a position somewhere along the Northeast corridor. Your life will continue to be a living hell.



You and your H deserve better.


This made me smile for some reason.

My husband has already told me that he HAS to go back to his home town. It's a discussion we have had many times. In fact... he told me that he knows he will be unhappy there, but he has to go back. He tells me I will never understand but he just has to.

But I know why he has to.... because his parents mind f*ck him and manipulate him and he has a tremendous amount of guilt that they put on him and it's what many Italians do to their kids... they guilt them into thinking that they own them for the rest of their lives.

Honestly I can right a book about it. It's twisted and although you and I can see clearly what they are doing and it's easy for me to say F that, you are not responsible for them, my husband feels like he is. All his parents do is talk about the day when we move back and have kids and how they can't wait for Sunday dinners and to come over whenever they want and blah blah blah. These people work so hard their entire life, take no vacations, don't really like each other, and pour all their energy in mind f*cking their kids to think they all have to live in the same town and hang out all the time. It's crazy.

My BIL tells me that I just don't get it. That my in-laws would be miserable if we didn't move back. And they love their parents so much and they don't want to hurt them. And what my husband did (move away), hurt them a lot already.

I know it's crazy and twisted and co-dependent. I had no idea I was marrying into such craziness.
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post #59 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

Btw my husband, who is the smartest man I know, who didn't realize how smart he was wanted to go to pharmacy school. The school was 15mims from his parents house. I am a pushy, amazing cheerleader of a wife (lol) gave him confidence and pushed him a little to go to medical school. He took the MCAT and I wrote his admissions essay and basically applied for him. He got into pharmacy school and medical school (2 hours away). His parents wanted him to go to pharmacy school Bc they didn't want him to leave home.
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post #60 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: MIL drama

I was kind of like that with my daughters. They ended up many hours away anyway. The young one especially... But she was smart to live in the dorm 3 1/2 years and study abroad her last semester. So we rarely visited. The older is 10 hours away but we visit often for food drops and play with the cat...

But we're not that imposing. My own parents told me to stay in the USA after I started working...
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