I know that no parent is perfect and I do find myself judging them harshly but it's because I feel like they have 2 really good kids and they are ****ed up because of how they raised them. My husband is PA, emotionally stunted and super insecure. My husband has no concept of healthy conflict resolution, and he thinks it's bad to admit flaws. My BIL is incredibly handsome, but has so many issues with women, he's super insecure, he thinks he's an idiot because school didn't come easy to him so he gave up. They sit on their high horse and judge us little people while they don't do half of what they/we do.
They act like they are perfect and without flaw and they are the best parents and they give unwanted advice. And it's frustrating people they give advice but literally everything they say they don't do themselves and it drives me crazy. It's easy to tell people what to do. But when your the one doing it, at another story.
They tell us... you need to have at least 3 kids. Um ok you only had 2.
You have to live in the same town as your parents! You only have 1 set of parents! Ok you put an ocean between you and your parents.
Your brother has to be your best friend. Nothing should get between siblings. Ok you don't even talk to your only sibling.
Family is everything. You need to be close to your family. Um ok you don't talk to anyone in your family. (My FIL).
You should always have goals. Reach for the stars! Um ok you retired super young and have stayed home for over 12 years and you don't do anything.
It's like shut up already and live your own advice. I don't want to brag, but I feel like I make great decisions, and I'm setting myself up for a good life. Healthy, happy, successful.
The hypocrisy, and unwanted advice, would be maddening. But keep in mind the instinct that drives it. They want to be relevant. They may be aware they've made mistakes and want to guide you differently. They're estranged from some family and that may be why they cling so desperately to your H. If you took a poll on here you'd probably find most parents and inlaws give unwanted, hypocritical advice. They want to be needed.
My mother is hyper critical. GOD. She used to make me insane, always with the comment on how I should/could do things better. I had an inside joke with my H that if I ever wanted to have my bubble burst, all I had to do was tell my mom my idea for something. Wouldn't matter what it was, she'd criticize and tell me to do something else.
But my H (who cannot STAND my mom) really helped me in dealing with her. He said "She doesn't live here, she can't make you do anything. When she gives you some unwanted advice, don't debate her. Just nod thoughtfully and thank her for the advice. Then go do what you were going to do anyhow."
It worked like MAGIC. She was so happy when I didn't debate her. I could tell it made her feel so good to be able to "be the parent" and "pass on some wisdom" to her adult child. And she gave an idea, she felt fulfilled and my receptiveness, and the conversation was over, instead of it turning into a debate that dragged on and us both getting irritated with each other.
We are all flawed people. Some (like your inlaws) more than others. But I have found that when you truly consider the other person's point of view, they're usually not monsters. They just have their quirks and shortcomings and if you can have compassion for their flaws, it makes being around them much easier on you