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post #61 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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I was kind of like that with my daughters. They ended up many hours away anyway. The young one especially... But she was smart to live in the dorm 3 1/2 years and study abroad her last semester. So we rarely visited. The older is 10 hours away but we visit often for food drops and play with the cat...

But we're not that imposing. My own parents told me to stay in the USA after I started working...


I know that no parent is perfect and I do find myself judging them harshly but it's because I feel like they have 2 really good kids and they are ****ed up because of how they raised them. My husband is PA, emotionally stunted and super insecure. My husband has no concept of healthy conflict resolution, and he thinks it's bad to admit flaws. My BIL is incredibly handsome, but has so many issues with women, he's super insecure, he thinks he's an idiot because school didn't come easy to him so he gave up. They sit on their high horse and judge us little people while they don't do half of what they/we do.
They act like they are perfect and without flaw and they are the best parents and they give unwanted advice. And it's frustrating people they give advice but literally everything they say they don't do themselves and it drives me crazy. It's easy to tell people what to do. But when your the one doing it, at another story.
They tell us... you need to have at least 3 kids. Um ok you only had 2.
You have to live in the same town as your parents! You only have 1 set of parents! Ok you put an ocean between you and your parents.
Your brother has to be your best friend. Nothing should get between siblings. Ok you don't even talk to your only sibling.
Family is everything. You need to be close to your family. Um ok you don't talk to anyone in your family. (My FIL).
You should always have goals. Reach for the stars! Um ok you retired super young and have stayed home for over 12 years and you don't do anything.

It's like shut up already and live your own advice. I don't want to brag, but I feel like I make great decisions, and I'm setting myself up for a good life. Healthy, happy, successful.


Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 12:45 AM. Reason: removed profanity filter bypass
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post #62 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Btw my husband, who is the smartest man I know, who didn't realize how smart he was wanted to go to pharmacy school. The school was 15mims from his parents house. I am a pushy, amazing cheerleader of a wife (lol) gave him confidence and pushed him a little to go to medical school. He took the MCAT and I wrote his admissions essay and basically applied for him. He got into pharmacy school and medical school (2 hours away). His parents wanted him to go to pharmacy school Bc they didn't want him to leave home.


Does he enjoy being a doctor? Did he become a doctor only because you pushed him? Does he feel, even though he is a doctor, that he disappoints his parents because he cannot spend a much time with them as they would like?

That's a very interesting backstory you just told.
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post #63 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

He enjoys being a doctor. He doesn't regret it.
Who knows what he would of been if we weren't together. Probably a pharmacist, and he would hate it lol.
He feels guilty because he is not there. He feels guilty because he wasn't with his brother and miss a lot. He always feels like he is disappointing his family, or me. He speaks all the time about that.
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post #64 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Ok most of you guys know my situation. We live 6hrs from family. My hubby fam is Italian and I have had respect and boundary issues with them. My husband is stressed out to the max with work. But also he is PA and he can't deal with conflict especially when it's with his parents. I have accepted this, and no longer expect him to be the "bad guy" and stand up to them. Our marriage is rocky right now so the last thing I want to do is tip him over the edge, even though he SHOULD be able to say no to them.

My MIL have gotten into it a bit, and I am not shy, I'm not afraid to address issues with her, and I call it like I see it. But we are friendly and on good terms. But she's manipulative and I don't trust her.

Anyway... she basically invited her family up for Easter. There are 3 of them, and we live in a tiny apartment. I respectfully told her no, because I am working Friday-Sunday. And I don't get home till after 8 every night. And my husband works every morning and his schedule is unpredictable, (he's a surgical resident). And every time they come up... they get dumped on me because he has a emergent surgery of something. I told her to come up another weekend when I'm off. She said ok. I told my husband, he said ok although the doesn't really care if they come up. Only because he doesn't want conflict, but he respected my wishes and agreed with me. A couple days later... my Husband told me that his mom is asking about coming up for Easter. I'm so annoyed. He hates saying no to them, he hates conflict, and he said He will talk to me. He he did the wrong thing but I don't blame him. Now he is stressed out about this. And I know he would be because this is just so stressful for him for some reason I will never understand but I know it's true. And now I'm upset with my MIL. I feel like she should have respected what I said, instead of going behind my back to my husband and putting him in a situation she knows stresses him out. What do you guys think? I get that my husband SHOULD be able to talk to him parents and tell them no, but that's just no realistic. I told my MIL multiple times, don't put him in the middle, or make him feel like he's in the middle. Should I say something to my MIL or drop it? I feel like there is just no respect from them to me and they don't care what I ever say. And I want to nip this stuff I'm the butt before we have kids.
Classic struggle. Make hotel and diner reservations for them. Tell them to enjoy the city and you will join them when possible.
You might even consider paying for it all.
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post #65 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I know that no parent is perfect and I do find myself judging them harshly but it's because I feel like they have 2 really good kids and they are ****ed up because of how they raised them. My husband is PA, emotionally stunted and super insecure. My husband has no concept of healthy conflict resolution, and he thinks it's bad to admit flaws. My BIL is incredibly handsome, but has so many issues with women, he's super insecure, he thinks he's an idiot because school didn't come easy to him so he gave up. They sit on their high horse and judge us little people while they don't do half of what they/we do.
They act like they are perfect and without flaw and they are the best parents and they give unwanted advice. And it's frustrating people they give advice but literally everything they say they don't do themselves and it drives me crazy. It's easy to tell people what to do. But when your the one doing it, at another story.
They tell us... you need to have at least 3 kids. Um ok you only had 2.
You have to live in the same town as your parents! You only have 1 set of parents! Ok you put an ocean between you and your parents.
Your brother has to be your best friend. Nothing should get between siblings. Ok you don't even talk to your only sibling.
Family is everything. You need to be close to your family. Um ok you don't talk to anyone in your family. (My FIL).
You should always have goals. Reach for the stars! Um ok you retired super young and have stayed home for over 12 years and you don't do anything.

It's like shut up already and live your own advice. I don't want to brag, but I feel like I make great decisions, and I'm setting myself up for a good life. Healthy, happy, successful.
Okay. I get that they are flawed and human.

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post #66 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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I just don't get this culture. Like honestly. Do you want your sons marriage to fail?
Her calling her son up and saying she's coming anyhow, even though you had suggested it was not a good time baffles me. It is overtly obnoxious beyond words and clearly designed to widen, not close up, any rift between the two of you.

However, her coming into your home and "taking over" by cooking and whatnot - while obnoxious to you and many many people, is actually very natural with "family" for many. It's a way they show they are comfortable with each other, and are contributing and, in their mind, being "family" as opposed to formal guests you have to entertain.

Although something tells me your MIL doesn't necessarily do it in that spirit. But I love it when family or good friends come and just make themselves at home. To me it's a compliment that they are comfortable enough to go rummage in my fridge for food for their kids, or find what they want to drink, or bring some groceries with them.
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post #67 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I know that no parent is perfect and I do find myself judging them harshly but it's because I feel like they have 2 really good kids and they are ****ed up because of how they raised them. My husband is PA, emotionally stunted and super insecure. My husband has no concept of healthy conflict resolution, and he thinks it's bad to admit flaws. My BIL is incredibly handsome, but has so many issues with women, he's super insecure, he thinks he's an idiot because school didn't come easy to him so he gave up. They sit on their high horse and judge us little people while they don't do half of what they/we do.
They act like they are perfect and without flaw and they are the best parents and they give unwanted advice. And it's frustrating people they give advice but literally everything they say they don't do themselves and it drives me crazy. It's easy to tell people what to do. But when your the one doing it, at another story.
They tell us... you need to have at least 3 kids. Um ok you only had 2.
You have to live in the same town as your parents! You only have 1 set of parents! Ok you put an ocean between you and your parents.
Your brother has to be your best friend. Nothing should get between siblings. Ok you don't even talk to your only sibling.
Family is everything. You need to be close to your family. Um ok you don't talk to anyone in your family. (My FIL).
You should always have goals. Reach for the stars! Um ok you retired super young and have stayed home for over 12 years and you don't do anything.

It's like shut up already and live your own advice. I don't want to brag, but I feel like I make great decisions, and I'm setting myself up for a good life. Healthy, happy, successful.
The hypocrisy, and unwanted advice, would be maddening. But keep in mind the instinct that drives it. They want to be relevant. They may be aware they've made mistakes and want to guide you differently. They're estranged from some family and that may be why they cling so desperately to your H. If you took a poll on here you'd probably find most parents and inlaws give unwanted, hypocritical advice. They want to be needed.

My mother is hyper critical. GOD. She used to make me insane, always with the comment on how I should/could do things better. I had an inside joke with my H that if I ever wanted to have my bubble burst, all I had to do was tell my mom my idea for something. Wouldn't matter what it was, she'd criticize and tell me to do something else.

But my H (who cannot STAND my mom) really helped me in dealing with her. He said "She doesn't live here, she can't make you do anything. When she gives you some unwanted advice, don't debate her. Just nod thoughtfully and thank her for the advice. Then go do what you were going to do anyhow."

It worked like MAGIC. She was so happy when I didn't debate her. I could tell it made her feel so good to be able to "be the parent" and "pass on some wisdom" to her adult child. And she gave an idea, she felt fulfilled and my receptiveness, and the conversation was over, instead of it turning into a debate that dragged on and us both getting irritated with each other.

We are all flawed people. Some (like your inlaws) more than others. But I have found that when you truly consider the other person's point of view, they're usually not monsters. They just have their quirks and shortcomings and if you can have compassion for their flaws, it makes being around them much easier on you.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 12:47 AM. Reason: removed profanity filter bypass
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post #68 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:40 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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...The problem is this is just the tip of the iceberg and I know that. That's why I need to nip it in the butt now. We will be moving back home (same town) and having kids. I know that (she threatened) she will try to come over everyday, all the time and try to control and take over everything. But I am a control freak with MY life. It's the way I have always been, it's the way I have to be for me to have peace and no stress or anxiety and for my ADHD to be well controlled.
Oh hell no. OMG - you don't have to be a control freak for that to stress you out. My first husband was Mexican, and I think it was a cultural thing with him too, he had this daydream of us living close to the rest of his family where they would just come and go at our house all the time - not even knock. I was like - WTF? No way! And I really liked his family. A lot. But still, get the F out of my house.

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The point is not that she will come up and cook for herself so who cares. I care. It brings me an insane amount of stress. The point is, I said no. Period. And I said no for good reasons. They stress me out! Literally the dad sleeps in the spare room, the mom sleeps on the couch in the living room, with her son sleeping on the other side of the couch. It's super overwhelming and my stress and anxiety go through the roof!! Plus I don't trust her. I know she will probably snoop around when we're not home.
Well your husband won't stand up for you and your marriage is rocky right now so you don't want to push him, so I'm just trying to help you feel better about the situation. In light of this I think you should just pick the phone up and tell her it is not a good weekend and she is not welcome to come over. (If she comes anyhow, I don't know WHAT to suggest.)

Snooping through your things? I didn't even think of that. That's definitely unnerving/creepy. Though you could have some fun with it and leave her a little note about what a **** she is and how you love doing XYZ to her baby boy for her to find in your nightstand drawer taped to your vibrator...
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post #69 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:06 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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At Christmas at their house, I had 2 glasses of wine in a span of like 2 hours. At the dining room table with all the family, he scolds me when a cousin asks if I want more wine. NO!!! She's had enough!!' He said in front of everyone very loudly. Of course my husband was in the other room. Like really?? I'm 30 years old, eating Christmas dinner, spending the night here. Don't tell me what to do.
This is where you say:

"But, you seem so much more tolerable the more I drink. You seem smarter, funnier, almost likable..."
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post #70 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:29 PM
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Re: MIL drama

I get all this except why do you consider it rude that he brings his own pillows? I have neck issues and hardly EVER find pillows at other people's home anything but painful. Also, I get cold easy and there are never enough blankets. I'm miserable all night, but I'm certainly not going to ask someone who opened their home up to me to buy higher end pillows. So if there's room, I usually pack my own pillow.

Raising his had to have his plate removed? That so alien it's actually comical to me. Wow. Are they Italian as in they grew up in Italy? I can't imagine anyone in America doing that.

Growing up my H's parents hung out with a few other couples in the neighborhood, and one couple was Vietnamese as in recently from Vietnam. The husband would "tell" his wife to get him a drink or plate of food, and all the other women would stop her and say "Oh, no, you're in America now, you don't have to do that." He'd get so mad, LOL.


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I appreciate your position and I don't think it's harsh at all.

When they come over, I am really good to them. When I go to their house, I am really good to them and respectful at how they do things and I adapt and do things how they want me to. I respect them. But in my house, I want to be in control. That's the way I am. It's for my sanity, it is what makes me comfortable, and it's why my house is my home. When they come up, there is no stopping them. They do what they want regardless of anything. I bite the bullet, put a smile on and count down the days till they leave when I can relax. I lose control, and I just try to accept it the best I can. It's hard for me and unnatural. And I understand that some things they do I feel very are very disrespectful, but aren't to them, it's just a difference in culture. And although I have acknowledged these in my head, I still FEEL disrespected. Like when my FIL is done eating and he raises his hand which signals me or my MIL to take his plate away. I can't help but FEEL disrespected. Especially because I come from a family whose mother was a SAHM, but if we ever left the dinner table with our plates on the table, my dad would flip the F out on us and tell us how disrespectful that is to our mother, because it is. It is engrained in me to find that disrespectful, especially after a meal was prepared for you.

What I feel like basic respect is, like how I was raised, what is engrained in my head it's hard to get that out of my head. When I go to their house, I'm a perfect guest. I pick up after myself, please, thank you. Do you need some help. I pick up my and my husbands plates. I'll help with the dishes. Blah blah. Tell them how lovely their new decorations are even though they aren't. That is normal behavior to me when you are a guest in someone's home.

When they come up.... they are so rude and entitled. Like they can't just want a cup of coffee, my FIL will be like I want espresso, or I want a cappuccino. Something that is such a pain in the ass to make. Sure... I make it. He takes 3 sips, and he's done with it and leaves it for me to pick up. He brings his own pillows which is so rude to me. He won't pick up his own plate. He acts like he is doing us a favor. Seriously. He walks around like he owns the place. He opens the curtains/blinds as he sees fit. Turns the lights on and off as he sees fit. It's so weird and rude to me.

Last time they came up, my MIL was like thanks so much for having us up! And my FIL was like why are you thanking them?!? We are the parents we can come up whenever we want!! (I bite my tongue). But that is their attitude.


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post #71 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Katie,

This is one of your best posts ever.


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This made me smile for some reason.

My husband has already told me that he HAS to go back to his home town. It's a discussion we have had many times. In fact... he told me that he knows he will be unhappy there, but he has to go back. He tells me I will never understand but he just has to.

But I know why he has to.... because his parents mind **** him and manipulate him and he has a tremendous amount of guilt that they put on him and it's what many Italians do to their kids... they guilt them into thinking that they own them for the rest of their lives.

Honestly I can right a book about it. It's twisted and although you and I can see clearly what they are doing and it's easy for me to say **** that, you are not responsible for them, my husband feels like he is. All his parents do is talk about the day when we move back and have kids and how they can't wait for Sunday dinners and to come over whenever they want and blah blah blah. These people work so hard their entire life, take no vacations, don't really like each other, and pour all their energy in mind ****ing their kids to think they all have to live in the same town and hang out all the time. It's crazy.

My BIL tells me that I just don't get it. That my in-laws would be miserable if we didn't move back. And they love their parents so much and they don't want to hurt them. And what my husband did (move away), hurt them a lot already.

I know it's crazy and twisted and co-dependent. I had no idea I was marrying into such craziness.

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post #72 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: MIL drama

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I get all this except why do you consider it rude that he brings his own pillows? I have neck issues and hardly EVER find pillows at other people's home anything but painful. Also, I get cold easy and there are never enough blankets. I'm miserable all night, but I'm certainly not going to ask someone who opened their home up to me to buy higher end pillows. So if there's room, I usually pack my own pillow.



Raising his had to have his plate removed? That so alien it's actually comical to me. Wow. Are they Italian as in they grew up in Italy? I can't imagine anyone in America doing that.



Growing up my H's parents hung out with a few other couples in the neighborhood, and one couple was Vietnamese as in recently from Vietnam. The husband would "tell" his wife to get him a drink or plate of food, and all the other women would stop her and say "Oh, no, you're in America now, you don't have to do that." He'd get so mad, LOL.


Yea they are from Italy. Its crazy to me too. There are like set things on how everything is done. He sits at the head of the table. He is served first because he is the oldest male. After dinner the women clean up while the men stay behind and talk. Then the women make coffee and bring dessert which is usually fruit to the table.
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post #73 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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MIL drama

So it was her bday the other day. I texted her and blah blah. I asked her when they are planning on coming up so we can plan a celebration. She said she is waiting to hear when we are free. I told her for the second time the weekend before or after Easter is best. She said she will check and get back to me.... I know her very well and I know she is determined to come up for Easter. I asked my husband about whether or not he talked to her, and he said a little bit, she asked again and said they don't mind being alone.

Ahhhh I'm annoyed. Especially with my husband.

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post #74 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: MIL drama

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Yea they are from Italy. Its crazy to me too. There are like set things on how everything is done. He sits at the head of the table. He is served first because he is the oldest male. After dinner the women clean up while the men stay behind and talk. Then the women make coffee and bring dessert which is usually fruit to the table.
Sounds like my dad and my fil. My mother and my mil always served their husbands, always cleaned up after them. Would not have occurred to any of them that it should be any other way.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #75 of 84 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: MIL drama

Katie,

The only thing I can tell from reading your threads - is that this is a very clear case of bi-modal conflict.

1. There are the battles/skirmishes - over Easter and other visits - annoying but thankfully brief.
2. And the WAR - over where you end up living.

If it was me, I'd use my response to (1) as a lever for ensuring that (2) turns out in an acceptable manner.

Humor me for a moment. The easier you make their/your visits, the stronger your position becomes for remaining - geographically distant.


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So it was her bday the other day. I texted her and blah blah. I asked her when they are planning on coming up so we can plan a celebration. She said she is waiting to hear when we are free. I told her for the second time the weekend before or after Easter is best. She said she will check and get back to me.... I know her very well and I know she is determined to come up for Easter. I asked my husband about whether or not he talked to her, and he said a little bit, she asked again and said they don't mind being alone.

Ahhhh I'm annoyed. Especially with my husband.
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