Families can ruin a marriage. My cousin married a momma's boy who would not stand up to his mother even though he was in his forties. They lasted two years. I come from an Italian family and live 2,000 miles away from them. My problem is that I did stand up to them and left them to join the Army at 17. Ever since then I was my own man and am one of the very few in my family who does not put his family ahead of his wife. I stood up to my wife's alcoholic and abusive parents and took her out of that toxic environment and we never looked back. They had the decency to die in the first 3 years of our marriage. Their kids were all happy because he beat them so much that they all ended up in the hospital once or twice and even three times.
I have gone years without talking to my parents because of a fight over something they wanted me to do and I would not do it. When we watch a TV show where the husband is a momma's boy, my wife laughs and says that is certainly not me. I have not seen my parents for 7 years. I have moved 13 times in my 44 year marriage so I never got involved in my family squabbles and drama. All my cousins follow the old Italian way by having dinner with their parents every Sunday, live close to them, and spend ever major holiday with them. I shocked them when I did not do that.
Your husband needs to start putting you ahead of everyone else. It will get worse when you have kids. They will tell you how to raise them and talk to your husband behind your back. They will expect to see your kids more than you want them to. Unless your husband stops his current behavior, you really will have a problem for the rest of your life, especially in an Italian family. Mine came right off the both and live old school to this day. If you watched the Godfather movie and saw how the family got together for meals and holidays, that is how my childhood was. Even down to living where they did and knowing people who lived their lifestyle. I was 5 when I saw my first murder. Still remember it.
Anyway, you need to decide whether to put up with it or break it off now before you have kids. My wife married me because I am a take charge alpha male who makes her feel safe and protected. Someone who takes her side and puts her above all else. My situation was complicated more because my wife is bisexual and her girlfriend lived with us. My parents still do not know that. They just thought that my wife's best friend visited us a lot, especially on holidays because her parents were dead as are my wife's. I never corrected their assumptions but I had to side with two women and protect our lifestyle by family that think all gays are an abomination. No momma's boy here.
I appreciate your input. My in laws are off the boat and are super old school too.
My husband... who I love more than anything will never stand up against them. It's just the way it is. And it's not because he doesn't love me. He is super sensitive, and hates conflict and needs to please and his parents raised him with guilt and manipulation and he always feel indebted to them because of their twisted way of raising him. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. You were strong enough to escape the mental manipulation but my husband isn't.
I want him to have a good relationship with them. They are his only parents. And no one will ever tell me not to see my parents so I will never tell my husband to chose them or me.
I don't care if I am the "bad guy". I know I'm doing what's best for my family and I know I'm doing what my husband can't do but wish he could. I have no problems standing up to them. But my husband is so fearful because he knows how stubborn his dad is and how we can easily get into a blow up fight that will cause us never to speak again. And no one wants that.
All I want is for them to be respectful. But they don't get that concept. I told my husband... I respect that your Italian and you want a close relationship with them. But you also need to respect me, and that I'm mot Italian and I don't want to see them multiple times a week. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, don't tell me what to do. If you want to see your parents, go see them, I will never stop you. But they will NOT be allowed to come over whenever they want. I have my own boundaries. I'm fine with Sunday dinners. But if I can't make it, I can't make it. I am very reasonable. But I will start a war if they can't respect normal healthy boundaries. And I told my MIL that If you come over unannounced.... I will not let you in. And she looked at me like I was this disrespectful little girl but I don't care. I know these people very well. You give them an inch, they take a mile. I am very direct and matter of fact with them. I'm sorry you think that's disrespectful. I think its disrespectful not to call. So I guess we can disagree but how I do things in my house will be respected.