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post #31 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by threelittlestars View Post
So I rarely if EVER post at Loveshack, LS...but today i felt i needed to. There was a woman over there, A BS and she was practically holding her husbands hand through his affair, bending over backwards nice'ing him back thinking he would wake up at some point. I felt compelled to post... when i did i noticed it did not post right away and moderation was needed before approval. So i wait about an hour and find when it was posted there was heavy editing. I was not mean or harsh in those parts that were deleted! I was actually a little harsh in another part that was allowed to post. Anyway, Im not mad, but i am confused....to heavily edit peoples advice and opinions I feel is a disservice to the OP.

what do you all think? do any of you post at LS?
Ahhh yes, LS...the kingdom of the terribly self-important Lord William, who takes his 'moderation duties' WAY too seriously. I always pictured this little gnome-like creature stomping his foot and spinning around in circles in a mad frenzy during one of his hissy fits before posting one of his snooze-worthy 'warnings' to the masses who DARED to be mean or go off topic. He's got an itchy trigger finger and loves to ban anyone who even sneezes wrong. My, my - such a powerful little man.

I don't even bother with that pitiful dog and pony show he's got running over there. And your post tells me I made a good decision because obviously, nothing's changed.

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post #32 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Other forums....

I used to read and post at SI but it's served its purpose for me and I don't really spend much time there anymore. I'm not banned but I did get banned from posting in the wayward forum for calling bull**** on some cheating wife because she compared her BH's post A porn use to her cheating.

Hadn't really heard about LS until a post in another subforum here at TAM contained a linked thread. I haven't read much there at all. I sometimes read various marriage related subreddits and chumplady.

I think SI can be helpful in the immediate aftermath of d day. I was shellshocked myself. Not to mention hurt and terrified about what was going to happen to me and my children. Most everyone at SI has experienced infidelity and they have a bit of insight into what a BS is feeling because they have firsthand knowledge. Their message is delivered with pillow smacks instead of 2x4 whacks. There are some good posters at SI that do recommend divorce and some that will stay no matter what the cheater does.

TAM has somewhat prolific posters that have never experienced infidelity but they chime in on every CWI thread almost universally recommending divorce. I always wonder why post on something you've never experienced. I don't post about childbirth because I can't offer personal insight or experiences. There are some awesome folks here at TAM too.
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post #33 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Other forums....

I think they remorseful waywards on SI are some of the most helpful people on this planet. The way they take unremorsefuls to task in a way you just can't argue with! I was one. There were just no excuses. The stop sign to keep BS out of there so former waywards can do their job is necessary.
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post #34 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Other forums....

I find that this is a kinder and gentler atmosphere than SI.
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post #35 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Ahhh yes, LS...the kingdom of the terribly self-important Lord William, who takes his 'moderation duties' WAY too seriously. I always pictured this little gnome-like creature stomping his foot and spinning around in circles in a mad frenzy during one of his hissy fits before posting one of his snooze-worthy 'warnings' to the masses who DARED to be mean or go off topic. He's got an itchy trigger finger and loves to ban anyone who even sneezes wrong. My, my - such a powerful little man.

I don't even bother with that pitiful dog and pony show he's got running over there. And your post tells me I made a good decision because obviously, nothing's changed.

If you want a lot of back story about William, then read on ~~~>

Some of what I found I discovered or learned on the following blog that, as of today, is still there. It was started by a large group of betrayed spouses that all or most all got booted from LS after wayward Lord William took over moderation there from Tony in 2012-2013. If you want a background on all the other woman and sock puppets that post on LS, search for comments about them there.

Loveshack and The Other Women


Lord William's original posting name is/was Carhill. I don't know if it's still there but Carhill used to have a bunch of creepy journal entries. He claimed he was a virgin at age 35 but also bragged about having sex (such sex may or may not have included actual intercourse - don't know) with a married woman at age 20. Most of his journal entries are about his inadequacy and inability understanding women and relationships. The poor guy has mommy issues and was dominated by his mother which is how he rationalizes and justifies becoming a cheater in his 20's and 30's.

The entire Loveshack forum used to have 2000 posts a day. Only 200 or so of those were in the infidelity area. It's a very irrelevant website and forum with regards to marriage and infidelity mostly, now, sticking to affairytales. In 2016 the entire website was down to something like 150 posts per day, they seem to have rebounded some as they become a much more comfortable home for the foggy waywards and unsuspecting betrayed spouses who just don't know the difference.

Here's some of Lord William's quotes when he posted as Carhill:

Here he describes briefly how it took him a about a year to clear the wayward fog and decide, with the help of one of those great pro-marriage therapists from the school of whatever you do is OK {sarcasm}, that he should dump the OW and his betrayed wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carhill 2/5/2011
For myself, as a MM, it was around a year, but that was with MC. When the fog lifted, I discovered that both relationships [his marriage AND his affair] were incompatible and unhealthy. YMMV on that one. The counseling helped a lot. [insert ~ mine]
Here's another describing how his supposed "pro-marriage" counselor twisted his brain around accepting he should dump his "unhealthy" marriage. I'm personally fine with a betrayed spouse dumping a cheater but I was flabbergasted to read the yet foggy wayward dork William/Carhill act like it was his healthy decision to abandon his betrayed wife. A long time ago, I was either warned or banned for pointing this out to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carhill 12/10/2010
I'm a lousy person to give advice since I saw the unhealthiness in both the M and the A as a result of the A and discontinued both at substantial loss, but feel the losses are fair and just and ultimately healthy.

So, with that disclaimer out of the way, I do understand the fog completely and it took me about eight months of MC to clear it away. If you *want* to find clarity, a professional psychologist who specializes in marital recovery from affairs can help.

The first work is to *accept* that you're confused and miss the OM and don't love your H in a way that is healthy. It's *OK* to feel that way.

Once you get to acceptance, everything else begins to fall into place. You're not changing the realities, rather your perception of them and how you process that perception.

Like the other poster suggested, we can't help you in that way. You need professional psychological help. We can offer our own experiences and support and opinion. That has value. The real value is the work you and your H do *together* to clearly decide whether and how this M will continue or not.

My D was final about six weeks ago. The process of MC began shortly before I started posting here back in 2008. These things sometimes take a lot of time. Strap in. One day at a time. It'll work out
Some more backstory, Carhill was actually the other man in someone else's marriage in his 20's. It wasn't some little stupid youthful fling that 20 year olds are prone to undertake. It appeared/appears it was an 8 year on and off again affair with a married woman based upon his age now and his reference to it occurring in the 1990's, I'm guessing this married woman is the person that actually took his virginity at age 35.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carhill 1/4/2014
Today, no, no fond thining and no struggles with NC but that's a complicated tale which evolved over more than a generation. A generation ago, after saying goodbye to an eight year off and on affair, yep, I did 'think fondly', if with sadness, and did struggle greatly with NC, but succeeded. Of course, back then it was cards/letters and a landline telephone and personal contact, so a bit different than today.
I could go all day with this guy. He's got 42,000 deranged posts over there. Here's one that discloses that his affair, that resulted in his eventually enlightenment and divorce, was really an "open" (non-deceptive) relationship which actually makes him more of a swinger than a cheater. So it turns out the marriage and infidelity section of loveshack is run by a moderator that has little regard for two of the primary foundations of the marital relationship ~ monogamy and commitment. He also believes it makes him different {and better} than "regular" waywards as in a line of delineation between the two.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carhill 3/21/2014
My affair was disclosed and open and I've never been possessive of women, in general, so nothing changed during. However, that wasn't a deceptive affair, so perhaps it's the deception which delineates behavior in some cases, IDK.
Conversely, here it's kind of revealed his affair was actually deceptive and not really swinging. Since he wasn't getting sex at home he apparently found an "affair partner" (wonder why he put it in quotes?) willing to give him just sex if his wife wouldn't. I'll translate wayward speak further below:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carhill 7/2011
My M was #1. I disclosed and my now exW met my 'affair partner' at my insistence. I wanted no ambiguity about what I wasn't getting from the M and my willingness to get it elsewhere. We're divorced.
UBT - Carhill thinks he's better than a regular cheater and was fair to his now ex-wife because he found an 'affair partner' and made his wife meet said 'affair partner' at his insistence she he could tell his wife - "If you won't have sex with me ~ this woman will". I really can't understand why his wife didn't just jump into bed with him and start meeting his need for sex when he made it so unambiguous, if not, downright romantic. Plus, if this OW wasn't a prostitute how on earth did he even get her to agree to such a meeting to deliver such message if he hadn't already been having sex and/or an intimate relationship with her? What kind of OW is so desperate to have sex with a married man that she'll meet with the guy's wife first to find out if the wife wants to screw him and if not, she'll take the job? Obviously a blatant history re-write.


How does a person go from a virgin at age 35 to a married man bringing home prostitutes to coerce his wife to either sleep with him or else?

How does such man then think he's got 42,000 posts worth of wisdom to share about interpersonal relationships when he's been a complete failure at them, and, really at being a human?

How does such man manage and exercise discernment as a moderator the interpersonal relationships and posting content of thousands of others when he has absolutely no shame and thinks his behavior was actually healthy?

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #36 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Other forums....

What I found out from someone here is that a very prolific SI WW poster (since banned there) who people slobbered over because she was so great actually had another affair with someone on the very same forum! She was going to run away with him. So, for people to say how great and wonderful she was and then knowing the back story - OMG.

Any forum reader is getting about half the story when they read posts, I'm convinced.
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post #37 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
What I found out from someone here is that a very prolific SI WW poster (since banned there) who people slobbered over because she was so great actually had another affair with someone on the very same forum! She was going to run away with him. So, for people to say how great and wonderful she was and then knowing the back story - OMG.

Any forum reader is getting about half the story when they read posts, I'm convinced.

Do you know their posting names? I wonder if they met at one of those risky social gatherings they used to promote?

We were warned to be wary, stay away and not to listen to the unrepentant adulterer.
Warning Against Adultery
1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom, turn your ear to my words of insight, 2 that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge. 3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors. 14 And I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.” 15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. 16 Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? 17 Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. 18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. 20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? 21 For your ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all your paths. 22 The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. Proverbs 5:1-22 NIV

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #38 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Other forums....

I think they just sent PMs back and forth. They lived cross country from each other.
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post #39 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Other forums....

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
It was the same for me.
I guess they don't like the cut of our jib.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #40 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by fleek View Post

TAM has somewhat prolific posters that have never experienced infidelity but they chime in on every CWI thread almost universally recommending divorce. I always wonder why post on something you've never experienced. I don't post about childbirth because I can't offer personal insight or experiences. There are some awesome folks here at TAM too.
One does not have to suffer from infidelity in order to see its effects. It is common enough that most everyone over the age of 30 knows both someone who was betrayed and someone who was unfaithful.

Put another way, the bystander often has a more unbiased view of the event than those who were immersed in it.

Of course your mileage may vary.

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post #41 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: Other forums....

While I think of each forum as having value in different ways, I have to admit that when I browse SI in comparison to here, I think of land of Care Bears.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #42 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
I think they remorseful waywards on SI are some of the most helpful people on this planet. The way they take unremorsefuls to task in a way you just can't argue with! I was one. There were just no excuses. The stop sign to keep BS out of there so former waywards can do their job is necessary.
Yeah but some of the W that post on there are some real doozies, I am convinced two very prominent ones on there now are fake. If not the posters belong in long term in patient treatment.
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post #43 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quality View Post
Do you know their posting names? I wonder if they met at one of those risky social gatherings they used to promote
There is a prominent post on W section right now about this very thing.

Quote:

Sojourner posted 4/6/2017 13:44 PM

Yes! Yes! Yes! Disable PM's! That is how I met my AP on another marriage site. We were both there to seek advice about our marriages and instead we fell in love with each other and left our spouses.

He was actively looking for a "friend" and PM'd me. I was unhappy in my marriage and very vulnerable to outside attention. VERY poor boundaries for both of us.

Even now we have a difference in opinions about social media. I disable PM's now and my social media is limited to friends and family only. He is new to social media and everything is public. I also think he is easily flattered by strangers (huge red flags).

I realize that these safeguards can only do so much. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. But I feel like it helps me to know that I am not "seeking" or open to that sort of attention. I much rather strive to be a person of character and self respect and put my past behind me.
It takes some real balls to start an affair on a forum about infidelity and then continue to post on there giving advice. The lack of shame from WS never ceases to amaze me. Her AP seems like a real prize too.
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post #44 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Other forums....

I was banned at SI for posting the standard evidence thread. Perma.
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post #45 of 222 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Other forums....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Yeah but some of the W that post on there are some real doozies, I am convinced two very prominent ones on there now are fake. If not the posters belong in long term in patient treatment.
I think a lot of those 'waywards' post about how 'remorseful' they are and how 'dedicated and loyal they are' because their BS is a member there and they know their posts are going to be read by their BS. Gimme a break.
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