A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitche n and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother !'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
__________________
~~~ SW ~~~
~ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you". Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine.
Those are really good jokes!!! I am going to print this out so I can read it to my husband. And if he doesn't think it's as funny as I do, I am gonna whack him across the face with the paper!
The last one reminds me of a quote that is attributed to Winston Churchill. (Churchill apparently got rather boorish when drunk). Here is my recollection of that quote:
Lady at party: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your drink"
Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it"
After farmer Joe went out into the fields for the day, his wife heard a knock at the door. She answered it, and there was farmer Bob from the farm down the road. Before she could ask what he was doing there, he asked: "Do you have a pvssy?"
Shocked, she slammed the door in his face. She figured he was drunk, so she decided not to tell her husband about it.
The next day, after farmer Joe went out into the fields, there was a knock at the door at the same time. The wife answered it, and farmer Bob asked again: "Do you have a pvssy?"
She angrily slammed the door in his face again, and this time, when her husband came back, she told him about it.
"Why, that no-good varmint!" he shouted. But then, he calmed down and came up with a plan:
"Honey, I'll make like I'm going to the fields tomorrow, but I'll hide behind the door and you answer it, then I'll whup his ass!"
The next morning, farmer Joe walked out the front door as always, but then he snuck around the back and waited for farmer Bob to knock at the door. Sure enough, at the same time as before, farmer Bob knocked at the door, and his wife answered it.
"Do you have a pvssy?" he asked.
But before farmer Joe could jump out from behind the front door, farmer Bob then told the wife:
"Because if you do, give it to your husband so that he'll stop sneaking over to MY farm every morning and getting it from MY wife!"
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The 6 Affairs 
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