[one_strange_otter]

What I mean is, do you feel like you've gained powerful knowledge in the area of infidelity that you just love sharing with people? I have. Unfortunately I found out not everyone really likes hearing what you have to say about "the fog". LOL So, when you are talking to people, whether they are friends, family or people on the bus, do you step forward and preach the good word you've learned on TAM or do you keep it to yourself?

[ScarletBegonias]

I typically keep it to myself unless I know the person is able to put on their big girl/big boy panties to listen to the hard truth. I am also very careful to keep the preachy tone out of it.Keep sarcasm to a minimum,and keep partner bashing out of the conversation.

Enlightened? not really the feeling i have about it.

[Maricha75]

Enlightened? Not always. I mean, I HAVE learned a lot there. And, I hope my experience has helped someone, anyone, to give some hope.

Mostly, I feel sick. Seeing the same things over and over and over again. Same story, different person...it takes a toll. Seeing people do the opposite of what everyone says makes me want to quite often.

That said, CWI DID help me when I sent the exposure letter to the fOW. And, it helped me to have/keep a plan of action, without losing my head/temper. But, I don't go around telling everyone all that I have learned there/here. if asked for opinions/info, I will give what I have learned.

[larry.gray]

I didn't come here for anything to do with even the slightest hint of infidelity. This forum helped me immensely in what I came for.

I got sucked into the Shamwow story. Someone made a comment on another forum about how they should read that story and I started following along. The same thing with Bandit.45's story. Both were great writers that were easy to empathize with. You could feel the raw pain.

I has definitely made me think about it more carefully. I already knew I need to 'affair proof' myself, but reading CWI makes me want to even more.

Everyone is affected by infidelity. It's rampant. If you don't hear about it, often it is only because some suffer in silence or are willfully ignorant.

Let's see, in my own family:

My maternal grandmother is the OW's child.
My paternal grandfather is a serial womanizer, still the stud of the retirement home.
I don't suspect my parents ever cheated, but then they are the oddballs of the family...
One uncle was cheated on and divorced.
One uncle ran off with the OW. They've been married 30 years but most of the family treats her like crap because they blame her.
One uncle was the OM and knocked her up (husband had a vas, yeah, that was obvious). He failed that_girls rule: don't stick your wick in crazy. She was beautiful, wild in bed, but crazy.
Bother had an exit affair and married the OW. SIL cheated on him a few years later and they're still together.
Sis was the OW several times, marrying the last one. I think it is out of their system now, but I'm not certain of that.

I don't think this is all that out of the ordinary. Maybe a bit much, but not too much. Sometimes I wonder if my wife would have married me if she knew all of this before hand.

[Almostrecovered]

in all honesty sometimes I feel more stupid for having read some CWI threads

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by Maricha75

Mostly, I feel sick. Seeing the same things over and over and over again. Same story, different person...it takes a toll. Seeing people do the opposite of what everyone says makes me want to quite often.

There are those like me that aren't here because of infidelity. One thing is certain, I won't make any of their mistakes if god forbid I'm in their shoes. I suspect there are others like me.

It would be by the book. No confrontation until proof was solid and it wouldn't happen until D papers were in hand. I'm not saying that R would be off the table, but D papers would be in hand so she had to choose right then.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by Almostrecovered

in all honesty sometimes I feel more stupid for having read some CWI threads

QFT.

I try not to linger for too long because I wouldn't feel right giving advice on CWI, having not been there myself. But yeah, some of those threads are filled with epic stupidity.

[one_strange_otter]

I guess I'm referring more to knowing the cheater scripts. About the knowledge concerning what true reconciliation takes and how it's not possible with other people in the picture. Knowing how to recognize when someone is in the fog. That kind of stuff.

I play a few games on my phone that have chat and meet lots of interesting people. You get to know them in much the same way you do here on TAM. I thought I knew them well enough to part some advice about their situation. The person I was talking to had always put up the front that her long term boyfriend and father of her child was good to her and a great dad and her life was hunky dory. Then she tells me in a conversation one day that there's someone on that game she talks to a ton, has feelings for him, and even met for lunch one day "but only kissed". So I went all TAM on her like fire and brimstone. She proceeded to get upset and resign but not until after she told me that she had broke up with her bf. I was thinking at that point "well, that's a key piece of info...". If I knew they broke up then her meeting someone else is no problem. But I didn't. So I come off looking like an a$$. Regardless I also play the same game with her friend and I get from her that maybe she isn't as broken up with her long term bf as she let on. So, in the end I was right and I was wrong. Right on as far as what she's doing (met someone online, rewrites her history, grass is greener, etc). Yet wrong because I went TAM scorched earth and pissed her off..IDK....truth hurts I say.

[Mavash.]

The knowledge I learned did help a friend of mine. Not long after I joined TAM my best friend shared with me some concerns about her husband. He'd NEVER cheat she thought but the signs were there. These WS truly do follow a predicatable pattern/script. I told her what I knew and it opened her eyes enough to do some investigating.

Mostly I keep this info to myself. I do feel more prepared though should I ever face this though. Knowledge is power and I feel very wise after reading all these largely predictable stories.

Now if I'm online on say another board absolutely I will share what I know. LOL

[larry.gray]

As far as dealing with others: I've directed someone to the CWI forum. I'll respect their privacy and not reveal them to anyone.

[Maricha75]

Originally Posted by larry.gray

QFT.

I try not to linger for too long because I wouldn't feel right giving advice on CWI, having not been there myself. But yeah, some of those threads are filled with epic stupidity.

It's really a technicality. You may not have the experience in your own marriage, but you HAVE seen how it has affected various family members' lives, including yours as "extended family". You have THAT perspective that can be shared, if you see a posted story similar to that of your family members'.

I know my mom's first husband divorced her and married his OW because she was pregnant with his child. They went on to have two more children and they stayed married til his death a few years ago, I believe it was. Mom tracked down the OW, to catch up, I guess. Not something I would have done, but dad was ok with it. Dunno if she was trying to contact to say she has forgiven him or what, but what matters was dad's opinion.

My aunt divorced her husband and married her AP about 20 years ago. They are still married.

Both of my sisters' husbands cheated on them (physically). I guess, in the big picture, I was fortunate in that both my husband and I it was "just" EAs...fortunate because neither of us brought diseases to each other.

But, to answer the question... otter, I would have likely gone nuclear on the girl too lol. She left out that little tidbit, very important. I HAVE done something similar to my sister. She has "sort of" started dating this guy from church. Based on our beliefs, she should wait til the divorce is final to actually date. Something she said she was doing anyway, but the subtle changes....anyway, the reason for saying that are simple. We know her. We know her tendency to forgive him, regardless. And, until that paper is signed, saying she is free, she is no better than he is (regarding extramarital relationships). Some may agree, some may not. But she also knows this from the religious point of view, which she professes to believe. So... IDK. I said what I needed to her and left it to her.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by Maricha75

It's really a technicality. You may not have the experience in your own marriage, but you HAVE seen how it has affected various family members' lives, including yours as "extended family". You have THAT perspective that can be shared, if you see a posted story similar to that of your family members'.

Thanks for that.

It has never been directed at me, but a number of times I've seen posts admonishing people to not post in CWI if they haven't been there themselves.

You're right about it affecting me anyway. I made a very conscious decision when deciding my wife was the woman I wanted to marry. A lot was to do with her views on divorce and infidelity. I liked her saying that there was never an excuse to cheat, ever.

My mom never did get that. She never got close to my wife.. yet of her three kids, our marriage is the only one not hit by infidelity.

[Coffee Amore]

Like Larry, I didn't come to TAM because of infidelity. I came for other reasons. However, I've found CWI educational although I can't read too many threads there in one day. The raw pain and anguish in the posts are too much.

My husband and I have worked hard to make our marriage a good one. If one of us cheated, I think the other one is perfectly right to divorce. I can see how a marriage can be made better after cheating if it wasn't so great to begin with, but cheating when in a great marriage should make one go straight to the court house.

I'd like to think I'd be like Mori. Very decisive but also decent to my spouse. From other posters, I've learned what NOT to do if faced with infidelity. There are some posters (who shall remain nameless) whose threads make me want to pull out my hair. They don't want to follow advice. They make bad move after another. Perhaps they use CWI to vent, I don't know. This is not limited to any recent poster or a particular gender either.

CWI is full of trolls, IMHO. It's hard to know at times if a story is just a work of fiction or not.

Originally Posted by larry.gray

It has never been directed at me, but a number of times I've seen posts admonishing people to not post in CWI if they haven't been there themselves.

You're right about it affecting me anyway. I made a very conscious decision when deciding my wife was the woman I wanted to marry. A lot was to do with her views on divorce and infidelity. I liked her saying that there was never an excuse to cheat, ever.

Same here. My experience with infidelity comes from helping two close friends through the harrowing experience. There are times I want to give advice in CWI but I feel I shouldn't because I haven't been the situation (hope never to!).

I picked my husband for the same reason you picked your wife. He has the same views on divorce and infidelity. His parents have been married multiple times so he wanted to avoid doing the same thing in his marriage to me.

[larry.gray]

Originally Posted by Coffee Amore

CWI is full of trolls, IMHO. It's hard to know at times if a story is just a work of fiction or not.

Real life can be stranger than fiction. I think Dabs is real, and have many topped that one? I think the advice not to call people out for being trolls is good because it doesn't help the OP if they aren't trolls.

That said, I did notice that brokeback nicely wrapped up his story and then a new OM abuse poster popped up.

Just sayin'

[Nsweet]

For the most part CWI is pretty depressing with all the stories of heartbreak and loyal spouses being taken for granted. But you'll learn a lot about cheaters from the same types of lies repeating over and over.

Why with a little psychology, NLP mostly, you could learn to read your spouse and tell exactly when they're trying to pull one over.... saving yourself moths of grief in the process when you confront them sooner.

Now some of those people you just want to tie to whipping post and beat some sense into them. If what you were doing isn't working and others can advise you from experience, you will do better listening to them instead of trying to figure things out on your own.

I really feel bad for some of those people but in the end you gotta figure it's either good people making bad mistakes that maybe forgiven one day, or bad people making good mistakes and leaving so the betrayed faithful spouse can find someone better.

Affairs suck, but you either learn to forgive and work on your marriage together or kick their sorry ass out the door and start over. If you find someone over 30 they've probably been through some of the same heartache and will appreciate you for being a wonderful and committed person.